Feeds:
Posts
Comments

THEATER REVIEWS

ABE LINCOLN IN ILLINOIS (Broadway)
Dec. 1993: https://wp.me/pzvIo-kN

ADDICTED: A COMEDY OF SUBSTANCE (off-Broadway)
Dec. 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-lG

THE ADVENTURES OF TOM SAWYER (Broadway)
May 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-ll

ADVICE FROM A CATERPILLAR (off-Broadway)
April 1991: https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/1991/04/01/review-theater-advice-from-a-caterpillar/

ALICE (Brooklyn, NY)
Oct. 1995: https://wp.me/pzvIo-F5

ALL THE WAY (Broadway)
June 2014: https://wp.me/pzvIo-AE

AN ALMOST HOLY PICTURE (Broadway)
Feb. 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-lt

AND THE WORLD GOES `ROUND (off-Broadway)
https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/1991/05/01/review-theater-and-the-world-goes-round/

ANNIE GET YOUR GUN (Broadway)
March 1999: https://wp.me/pzvIo-ly

ARE YOU DAVE GORMAN? (off-Broadway)
Dec. 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-lK

ARTS & LEISURE (off-Broadway):
May 1996: https://wp.me/pzvIo-EJ

AS YOU LIKE IT – FRESH (off-Broadway)
Sept. 1990: https://wp.me/pzvIo-F7

THE ASSEMBLED PARTIES (Broadway)
April 2013: https://wp.me/pzvIo-hy

THE AUNTS (off-Broadway)
Oct. 1989: https://wp.me/pzvIo-LM

AVENUE Q (Broadway)
Aug. 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-lC

BARBARA COOK: MOSTLY SONDHEIM (Broadway)
July 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-lP

BARTENDERS (off-Broadway)
April 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-u2

BAT BOY: The Musical (off-Broadway)
April 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-u6

BE (off-Broadway)
April 2007: https://wp.me/pzvIo-oH

BEA ARTHUR ON BROADWAY: JUST BETWEEN FRIENDS (Broadway)
February 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-lT

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST (Broadway)
April 1996: https://wp.me/pzvIo-m1

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST (Broadway)
April 1994: https://wp.me/pzvIo-lX

BELLS ARE RINGING (Broadway)
April 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-m4

BETTY RULES (off-Broadway)
Nov. 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-ua

BIG APPLE CIRCUS – Big Top Doo-Wop (off-Broadway)
Nov. 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-ue

BIG RIVER (Broadway)
July 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-m8

BILL MAHER: VICTORY BEGINS AT HOME (Broadway)
July 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-mc

BLACK EAGLES (off-Broadway)
April 1991: https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/1991/04/01/review-theater-black-eagles/

BLAST! (Broadway)
April 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-mg

BLUE MAN GROUP: Tubes (off-Broadway)
Aug. 1994: https://wp.me/pzvIo-um

BOOBS! THE MUSICAL (off-Broadway)
Oct. 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-uq

BOOK OF DAYS (off-Broadway)
Nov. 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-uu

THE BOYS FROM SYRACUSE (Broadway)
Sept. 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-mk

BROTHER THEODORE (off-Broadway)
May 1991: https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/1991/05/01/review-theater-brother-theodore/

BRUTAL IMAGINATION (off-Broadway)
Jan. 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-uy

BUDDY: The Buddy Holly Story (Broadway)
Nov. 1990: https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/1990/11/01/theater-review-buddy/
(This capsuled review was first published in Show Business newspaper, 1991)

BURIED CHILD (Broadway)
April 1996: https://wp.me/pzvIo-Ey

BURN THIS (off-Broadway)
Sept. 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-uC

BUTLEY (Boston, MA)
Nov. 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-uG

BUZZSAW BERKELEY (off-Broadway)
Sept. 1989: https://wp.me/pzvIo-Md

BY JEEVES (Broadway)
Nov. 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-mo

BY THE SEA, BY THE SEA, BY THE BEAUTIFUL SEA (off-Broadway)
May 1996: https://wp.me/pzvIo-EG

CABARET (Broadway)
Jan. 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-uO

CABARET (Broadway)
March 1998: https://wp.me/pzvIo-uK

CAESAR AND CLEOPATRA (off-Broadway)
Oct. 2019: https://wp.me/pzvIo-HO

CAFE A GO GO (off-Broadway)
June 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-t4

THE CARBON COPY BUILDING (off-off-Broadway)
Oct. 1999: https://wp.me/pzvIo-t9

CARNIVAL KNOWLEDGE [Todd Robbins] (off-Broadway)
October 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-td

THE CATALYST (off-Broadway)
April 1991: https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/1991/04/01/review-theater-the-catalyst/

CATS (Broadway)
June 1997: https://wp.me/pzvIo-sJ
1994: https://wp.me/pzvIo-sF

A CELEBRATION OF SILLINESS! [Fred Anderson] (San Francisco, CA)
Aug. 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-tK

THE CHANG FRAGMENTS (off-Broadway)
1996: https://wp.me/pzvIo-ED

CHICAGO (Broadway)
Nov. 1996: https://wp.me/pzvIo-sM

CINDERELLA [aka Rodgers + Hammerstein’s Cinderella] (Broadway)
April 2013: https://wp.me/pzvIo-hD

CIRQUE DU SOLEIL: Nouvelle Experience (circus)
April 1991: https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/1991/04/01/review-theater-cirque-du-soleil-nouvelle-experience/

CITY OF ANGELS (Broadway)
April 1990: https://wp.me/pzvIo-K6

A CLASS ACT (Broadway)
March 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-sS

THE COLOR PURPLE (Broadway)
Dec. 2005: https://wp.me/pzvIo-sW

COMEDIANS (off-Broadway)
Jan. 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-tz

THE COMPLETE WORKS OF WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE (ABRIDGED) (off-Broadway)
Oct. 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-tC

COOKIN’ (off-Broadway)
Oct. 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-lp

THE COUNTESS (off-Broadway)
Sept. 1999: https://wp.me/pzvIo-tG

CRASHING (off-off-Broadway)
Nov. 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-tN

CRIMES OF THE HEART (off-Broadway)
May 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-tR

CRISS ANGEL MINDFREAK (off-Broadway)
Dec. 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-tV

THE CRUCIBLE (Broadway)
March 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-t0

CYMBELINE (off-Broadway)
Jan. 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-tZ

DANCE OF DEATH (Broadway)
Nov. 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-rL

DANGEROUS CORNER (off-Broadway)
Oct. 1995: https://wp.me/pzvIo-F9

DANCE OF THE VAMPIRES (Broadway)
Dec. 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-rP

DAUGHERTY & FIELD (off-Broadway)
https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/1991/04/01/review-theater-daugherty-field/

A DAY IN THE DEATH OF JOE EGG (Broadway)
April 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-rT

THE DAZZLE (off-Broadway)
April 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-sd

DE LA GUARDA: VILLA VILLA (off-Broadway)
April 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-sh

DEATH OF A SALESMAN (Broadway)
May 2012: https://wp.me/pzvIo-D0

DEBBIE DOES DALLAS (off-Broadway)
Feb. 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-sl

DEF POETRY JAM ON BROADWAY (Broadway)
Dec. 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-rX

DEFENDING THE CAVEMAN (Broadway)
March 1995: https://wp.me/pzvIo-s1

DESIGN FOR LIVING (Broadway)
March 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-s5

DESPERATE MEASURES (off-Broadway)
Oct. 2018: https://wp.me/pzvIo-v6

DINNER AT EIGHT (Broadway)
Jan. 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-s9

DISGRACED (Broadway)
Jan. 2015: https://wp.me/pzvIo-z0

DRAGAPELLA! WITH THE KINSEY SICKS (off-Broadway)
Nov. 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-sB

EARS ON A BEATLE (off-Broadway)
April 2004: https://wp.me/pzvIo-rq

ELAINE STRITCH AT LIBERTY (Broadway)
Feb. 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-st

THE ELEPHANT MAN (Broadway)
April 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-sp

ELI’S COMIN’ (off-Broadway)
June 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-rv

ENDPAPERS (off-Broadway)
April 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-rz

EPIC PROPORTIONS (Broadway)
Oct. 1999: https://wp.me/pzvIo-sx

EVERETT BEEKIN (off-Broadway)
Nov. 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-rD

THE EXONERATED (off-Broadway)
Oct. 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-rH

THE FANTASTICKS (off-Broadway)
March 1996: https://wp.me/pzvIo-qk

FAR AND WIDE (off-Broadway)
Oct. 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-qr

THE FATHER (Broadway)
Jan. 1996: https://wp.me/pzvIo-qT

FIRST LOVE (off-Broadway)
Sept. 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-qv

FISH IN THE DARK (Broadway)
July 2015: http://wp.me/pzvIo-cv

THE FLAMING IDIOTS (off-Broadway)
Jan. 2002: ttps://wp.me/pzvIo-qA

FLORIDA CRACKERS (off-Broadway)
(first published in the The Upper East Side Resident, 6/89)
May 1989: https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/1989/06/26/theater-review-florida-crackers/

FLOWER DRUM SONG (Broadway)
Oct. 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-qX

FOOTLOOSE (Broadway)
Oct. 1998: https://wp.me/pzvIo-r1

FORBIDDEN BROADWAY 1991 (off-Broadway)
March 1991: https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/1991/03/01/review-theater-forbidden-broadway-1991/

FORBIDDEN BROADWAY CLEANS UP ITS ACT (off-Broadway)
Jan. 1999: https://wp.me/pzvIo-qE

FORTUNE’S FOOL (Broadway)
April 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-r5

42ND STREET (Broadway)
April 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-rd

45 SECONDS FROM BROADWAY (Broadway)
Nov. 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-r9

FOSSE (Broadway)
Jan. 1999: https://wp.me/pzvIo-rh

FOUR (off-Broadway)
March 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-qI

THE FOURTH WALL (off-Broadway)
Dec. 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-qL

FRANKIE AND JOHNNY IN THE CLAIRE DE LUNE (Broadway)
Aug. 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-rl

FRED ANDERSON: A CELEBRATION OF SILLINESS! (San Francisco, CA)
Aug. 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-tK

FROM DOOR TO DOOR (off-Broadway)
March 2004: https://wp.me/pzvIo-qP

THE GATHERING (Broadway)
April 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-px

GEORGE GERSHWIN ALONE (Broadway)
May 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-pB

THE GIN GAME (Broadway)
Dec. 2015: http://wp.me/pzvIo-c3

GIRL FROM THE NORTH COUNTRY (off-Broadway)
Oct. 2018: https://wp.me/pzvIo-v2

THE GLASS MENAGERIE (Broadway)
Dec. 2013: https://wp.me/pzvIo-B7

THE GOAT OR WHO IS SYLVIA (Broadway)
March 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-pF

GOD SHOWS UP (off-Broadway)
Feb. 2019: https://wp.me/pzvIo-Fd

GOLDA’S BALCONY (off-Broadway)
April 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-nt

GONE MISSING (off-Broadway)
July 2007: https://wp.me/pzvIo-J2

THE GOOD THIEF (off-Broadway)
April 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-nx

THE GRADUATE (Broadway)
March 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-pJ

GREASE! (Broadway)
May 1994: https://wp.me/pzvIo-pN

THE GUYS (off-Broadway)
Sept. 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-nB

GYPSY (Broadway)
April 2008: https://wp.me/pzvIo-IT

GYPSY (Broadway)
May 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-pR

GYPSY (Broadway)
Dec. 1989: https://wp.me/pzvIo-Lu

HAIRSPRAY (Broadway)
Aug. 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-pV

HAND TO GOD (Broadway)
July 2015: http://wp.me/pzvIo-cv

HANK WILLIAMS: LOST HIGHWAY (off-Broadway)
Dec. 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-kV

HEDDA GABLER (Broadway)
Oct. 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-pZ

HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH (off-Broadway)
Jan. 1999: https://wp.me/pzvIo-kZ

HENRY IV (Broadway)
Dec. 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-q4

HIGH DIVE (off-Broadway)
Feb. 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-l3

HIGH FIDELITY (Broadway)
Dec. 2006: https://wp.me/pzvIo-oj

HOLLYWOOD ARMS (Broadway)
Nov. 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-qc

HOMECOMING (off-Broadway)
Jan. 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-lb

HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS… (Broadway)
Jan. 2006: https://wp.me/pzvIo-qg

HOWARD KATZ (off-Broadway)
March 2007: https://wp.me/pzvIo-ow

I AM MY OWN WIFE (Broadway)
Dec. 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-ms

I LOVE YOU, YOU’RE PERFECT, NOW CHANGE (off-Broadway)
Aug. 1996: https://wp.me/pzvIo-kR

I’M NOT RAPPAPORT (Broadway)
Aug. 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-mA

IF YOU EVER LEAVE ME, I’M GOING WITH YOU (Broadway)
Sept. 2001: http://wp.me/pzvIo-cI

IMAGINARY FRIENDS (Broadway)
Jan. 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-mE

INTO THE WOODS (Broadway)
May 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-mL

THE INVENTION OF LOVE (Broadway)
April 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-mP

IT AIN’T NOTHIN’ BUT THE BLUES (Broadway)
June 1999: https://wp.me/pzvIo-mT

IT’S ONLY A PLAY (Broadway)
Dec. 2015: https://wp.me/pzvIo-A6

JACKIE MASON: LAUGHING ROOM ONLY (Broadway)
December 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-mX

JACKIE MASON: PRUNE DANISH (Broadway)
Oct. 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-n1

JEKYLL & HYDE (Broadway)
April 2013: https://wp.me/pzvIo-hu

JEKYLL & HYDE (Broadway)
May 1997: https://wp.me/pzvIo-n5

JOE EGG (Broadway)
April 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-rT

JUDGMENT AT NUREMBERG (Broadway)
March 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-nd

KAT AND THE KINGS (Broadway)
Sept. 1999: https://wp.me/pzvIo-nh

KING HEDLEY II (Broadway)
May 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-nl

THE KINSEY SICKS: DRAGAPELLA! (off-Broadway)
Nov. 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-sB

KISS ME, KATE (Broadway)
Sept. 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-np

LA BOHEME (Broadway)
Dec. 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-nF

LARGELY NEW YORK [Bill Irwin] (Broadway)
(first published in the The Upper East Side Resident, 6/89)
May 1989: https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/1989/06/26/theater-review-largely-new-york/

LAUGHING ROOM ONLY [Jackie Mason] (Broadway)
Dec. 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-mX

LES MISERABLES (Broadway)
Jan. 1997: https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/1997/01/01/theater-review-les-miserables/
March 1987: https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/1987/03/01/review-theater-les-miserables/

LIFE SUCKS (off-Broadway)
April 2019: https://wp.me/pzvIo-Fj

LIFE (x) 3 (Broadway)
April 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-nN

THE LION KING (Broadway)
Nov. 1997: https://wp.me/pzvIo-nR

LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS (Broadway)
Oct. 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-nV

LONG DAY’S JOURNEY INTO NIGHT (Broadway)
May 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-nZ

THE LOOK OF LOVE (Broadway)
May 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-o3

LOST IN YONKERS (Broadway)
Feb. 1991: https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/1991/02/01/review-theater-lost-in-yonkers/

THE LOWER DEPTHS (off-off-Broadway)
April 1990: https://wp.me/pzvIo-JZ

LUCIFER’S CHILD (Broadway)
April 1991: https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/1991/04/01/review-theater-lucifers-child/

LYDIA (Los Angeles, CA)
April 2009: https://wp.me/pzvIo-kD

M. BUTTERFLY (Broadway)
Jan. 1990: https://wp.me/pzvIo-Lx

MA RAINEY’S BLACK BOTTOM (Broadway)
March 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-oL

MAJOR BARBARA (Broadway)
July 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-oP

THE MADRAS HOUSE (off-Broadway)
Feb. 2007: https://wp.me/pzvIo-os

MAMMA MIA! (Broadway)
Oct. 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-oT

MAN OF LA MANCHA (Broadway)
Dec. 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-oY

THE MAN WHO HAD ALL THE LUCK (Broadway)
May 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-p2

MASTER CLASS (Broadway)
Nov. 1995: https://wp.me/pzvIo-p6

MAURITIUS (Pasadena, CA)
April 2009: https://wp.me/pzvIo-kJ

MEDEA (Broadway)
Dec. 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-pa

THE MERCHANT OF VENICE (Broadway)
Jan. 1990: https://wp.me/pzvIo-JT

METAMORPHOSES (Broadway)
March 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-pe

MISS SAIGON (Broadway)
April 1994: https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/1994/01/01/theater-review-miss-saigon/
Jan. 1991: https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/1991/04/01/review-theater-miss-saigon/

MOLLY SWEENEY (off-Broadway)
Nov. 2019: https://wp.me/pzvIo-I7

MORNING’S AT SEVEN (Broadway)
April 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-pm

MOVIN’ OUT (Broadway)
Nov. 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-pq

THE MYSTERY OF CHARLES DICKENS (Broadway)
April 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-pt

NEVER GONNA DANCE (Broadway)
Dec. 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-i1

THE NEW FACES OF AMERICA (Greeley, CO)
Nov. 2009: https://wp.me/pzvIo-yM

THE NIGHT OF THE IGUANA (Broadway)
April 1996: https://wp.me/pzvIo-ES

NINE (Broadway)
April 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-i6

NOISES OFF (Broadway)
Nov. 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-ic

NUDE NUDE TOTALLY NUDE (Andrea Martin) (off-Broadway)
April 1996: https://wp.me/pzvIo-EM

OKLAHOMA! (Broadway)
April 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-ij

OLD HATS (off-Broadway)
April 2013: https://wp.me/pzvIo-hH

ONCE ON THIS ISLAND (Broadway, Oct. 1990)
https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/1990/10/01/review-theater-once-on-this-island/

ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST (Broadway)
April 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-in

ONE MO’ TIME (Broadway)
March 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-is

ORPHEUS DESCENDING (Broadway)
Oct. 1989: https://wp.me/pzvIo-LJ

OTHER PEOPLE’S MONEY (off-Broadway)
(first published in the The Upper East Side Resident, 6/89)
June 1989: https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/1989/06/26/theater-review-other-peoples-money/

OUR COUNTRY’S GOOD (Broadway)
April 1991: https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/1991/04/01/review-theater-our-countrys-good/

PENN & TELLER: THE REFRIGERATOR TOUR (Broadway)
April 1991: https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/1991/04/01/review-theater-penn-teller-the-refrigerator-tour/

THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA (Broadway)
Sept. 1994: https://wp.me/pzvIo-ix
Jan. 1988: https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/1988/01/01/review-theater-the-phantom-of-the-opera/

THE PLAY THAT GOES WRONG (Broadway)
July 2017: http://wp.me/pzvIo-9X

THE PLAY WHAT I WROTE (Broadway)
April 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-iC

POPCORN FALLS (off-Broadway)
Oct. 2018: https://wp.me/pzvIo-uX

PRELUDE TO A KISS (Broadway)
May 1990: https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/1990/05/01/review-theater-prelude-to-a-kiss/

PRIVATE LIVES (Broadway)
May 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-iH

THE PRODUCERS (Broadway)
April 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-iL

PUMPGIRLS (off-Broadway)
Dec. 2007: https://wp.me/pzvIo-ui

QED (Broadway)
Nov. 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-iP

RAGTIME (Broadway)
Jan. 1998: https://wp.me/pzvIo-iT

RENT (Broadway)
May 1996: https://wp.me/pzvIo-iX

REQUIEM FOR A HEAVYWEIGHT (off-Broadway)
Feb. 1996: https://wp.me/pzvIo-EP

THE RETREAT FROM MOSCOW (Broadway)
Oct. 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-j1

RODGERS + HAMMERSTEIN’S CINDERELLA (Broadway)
April 2013: https://wp.me/pzvIo-hD

SACRILEGE (Broadway)
Nov. 1998: https://wp.me/pzvIo-EY

SALOME (Broadway)
May 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-j5

SAY GOODNIGHT GRACIE (Broadway)
Oct. 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-j9

THE SECRET GARDEN (Broadway)
April 1991: https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/1991/04/01/review-theater-the-secret-garden/

SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION (Broadway)
https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/1990/11/01/review-theater-six-degrees-of-separation/

SEXAHOLIX (Broadway)
Nov. 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-jd

SHOWING OFF (off-Broadway)
Nov. 1989: https://wp.me/pzvIo-LE

SIDE MAN (John Golden)
Jan. 1999: https://wp.me/pzvIo-jh

THE SLOW DRAG (off-Broadway)
April 1996: https://wp.me/pzvIo-EV

THE SMELL OF THE KILL (Broadway)
March 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-jl

SMOKEY JOE’S CAFE (Broadway)
March 1995: https://wp.me/pzvIo-jp

SOCRATES (off-Broadway)
May 2019: https://wp.me/pzvIo-Ga

STONES IN HIS POCKETS (Broadway)
April 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-jt

STUFF HAPPENS (off-Broadway)
April 2006: https://wp.me/pzvIo-od

THE SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS (Broadway)
March 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-jx

TABOO (Broadway)
Dec. 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-jB

TALKING THINGS OVER WITH CHEKHOV (off-Broadway)
June 1990: https://wp.me/pzvIo-L6

TAKE ME OUT (Broadway)
March 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-jF

TAKING STEPS (Broadway)
Feb. 1991: https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/1991/02/01/review-theater-taking-steps/

TARTUFFE (Broadway)
Jan. 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-jJ

TARZAN (Broadway)
May 2006: https://wp.me/pzvIo-ok

THAT PHYSICS SHOW (off-Broadway)
July 2016: http://wp.me/pzvIo-bJ

THE TIMES THEY ARE A-CHANGIN’ (Broadway)
Oct. 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-o8

THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE (Broadway)
April 2002: https://wp.me/pzvIo-jN

THOU SHALT NOT (Broadway)
Oct. 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-jS

A THOUSAND CLOWNS (Broadway)
July 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-jX

TOM SAWYER [The Adventures of] (Broadway)
May 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-ll

URBAN COWBOY (Broadway)
March 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-k2

URINETOWN (Broadway)
Oct. 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-k6

VANYA AND SONIA AND MASHA AND SPIKE (Broadway)
April 2013: https://wp.me/pzvIo-hr

VICTORY BEGINS AT HOME [Bill Maher] (Broadway)
July 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-mc

VINCENT IN BRIXTON (Broadway)
March 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-ka

VOICES IN THE DARK (Broadway)
Aug. 1999: https://wp.me/pzvIo-kf

THE WEIR (Broadway)
April 1999: https://wp.me/pzvIo-kj

WICKED (Broadway)
Dec. 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-kn

A WOMAN CALLED TRUTH (off-off-Broadway)
April 1990: https://wp.me/pzvIo-Lh

THE WOMEN (Broadway)
Nov. 2001: https://wp.me/pzvIo-kr

WONDERFUL TOWN (Broadway)
Dec. 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-kv

A YEAR WITH FROG AND TOAD (Broadway)
April 2003: https://wp.me/pzvIo-kz

YOUNG PLAYWRIGHTS FESTIVAL 1989 (off-Broadway)
Oct. 1989: https://wp.me/pzvIo-M3

ZELDA AT THE OASIS (off-Broadway)
Jan. 2013: https://wp.me/pzvIo-hV

*

FILM REVIEWS
CAMILLE CLAUDEL (dir: Bruno Nuyttens)
Jan. 1990: https://wp.me/pzvIo-LB

*

VIDEO REVIEWS
BRIT WITS (Britcoms)
May 1992: https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/1992/05/01/video-review-brit-wits/

INDEX: Theater & Film Reviews: https://wp.me/pzvIo-an

PLAYS INDEX: Short/One-Acts

by David Lefkowitz

BLIND DATE
1986, revised 2008 (Dark Comedy. Synopsis: A man, a woman, a bad restaurant)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-i

DEATH OF A MANURE SALESMAN
1996 (Comedy. Synopsis  A family mourns, so attention must be paid)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-y

DOWN CAME THE SUN
2000 (Drama. Synopsis. A March-October romance in Key West)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-B

ELLA FITZGERALD MEETS ILA FOX IN SPANISH CLASS
1988. (Comedy. Women learn Spanish in a tongue-twisting way)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Hp

HOWARD’S NEAR END
2010 (Drama. Synopsis: A writer in crisis)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Em

HUCKLEBERRY FATE 1985 (Comedy. Synopsis: two boys on a raft)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-GL

KING SOLOMON THE WISE
1990 (Comedy. Synopsis: Sol’s got a decision to make)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-b

MALKIN SCENE 1983 (Drama. Synopsis: Two friends at a bar: a gentleman and a lout. But who’s who? Note: Scene written as an exercise)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Hd

MUGGED

1984 (comedy skit. Tourist and vendor haggle over a Mexican mug)

https://wp.me/pzvIo-Hu

A PIECE OF FRUIT

2019 (comedy. Synopsis: Middle-aged white actor auditions for Willy Loman in a “woke” production that wants someone very different.

https://wp.me/pzvIo-HS

SEAWEED FOR THE GAMBLER
1995 (Solo Drama. Synopsis: What’s it worth to work in the U.S. Mint?)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-s

THE SKY IS CALLING
1994 (Drama. Synopsis: Unhappy traveler hindered by airline security)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-6

THE TRICKLE-DOWN LULLABY
1986 (Synopsis: Solo Dark Comedy with Music. Father worries about raising his baby)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-2a

UPHILL
2017 (Synopsis: Comedy. Sisyphus meets a sports reporter)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-76

WHO WE ARE AND WHAT WE DID

2016 (Synopsis: Comedy. Cavemen make plans for the first museum)

https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/2016/06/01/theater-play-short-comedy-who-we-are-and-what-we-did/

WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER WATCH TV WITH AN ARTISTE

1984 (completed in 2019) (Synopsis: Two men disagree about almost everything)

https://wp.me/pzvIo-Ih

PLAYS INDEX-Short/One-Act: https://wp.me/pzvIo-hQ

FEATURE STORIES

written by David Lefkowitz

March 2020: Jane Fonda: Opening Up and Speaking Out
(A chat with actress Jane Fonda)
First published in Long Island Woman magazine, March 2020
https://wp.me/pzvIo-LR

Dec. 2019: Annie Potts: Design for Living – Sheldon’s Meemaw on Learning to Walk . . . and Stand Up
(A chat with actress Annie Potts)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Iu

Sept. 2019: Katey Sagal: Marriage, Children, and Muscling Through
(A chat with actress Katey Sagal)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-GE

June 2019: Chaka Khan: A Journey from Something Good to Happiness
(A chat with musician Chaka Khan)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-GU

May 2019: Sela Vie – Sela Ward Stays in Sync
(A chat with actress Sela Ward)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-ys

March 2019: Bo Derek – Jump Before You’re Thrown . . .
(A chat with actress Bo Derek)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-GZ

Jan. 2019: One in Seven – Kathleen Madigan
(A chat with comedian Kathleen Madigan)
First published in Long Island Woman magazine, Jan. 2019.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Dm

December 2018: Bad Stuff, Too: Ali Wentworth’s (Mostly) Charmed Life
(A chat with actress and writer Ali Wentworth)
First published in Long Island Woman, magazine, Dec. 2018.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-wJ

November 2018: In Bloom: Marcia Gay Harden Writes a Memoir for her Mother
(A chat with actress Marcia Gay Harden about her autobiography)
First published in Long Island Woman magazine, Nov. 2018.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-vj

July 2018: Riding the Waves: Christine Lahti on the Feminist Path
(A chat with actress Christine Lahti about her autobiography)
First published in Long Island Woman magazine, July 2018.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-ve

July 2018: Pushing the Boundaries of Long Island Theater: Comfort Zones Realigned
(A chat with the founders of Long Island’s Out of Bounds Theater Company)
First published in Long Island Pulse magazine, July 2018.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-vt

June 2018: Miller, Monroe & Kazan at Bay Street Theater
(A chat with playwright Jack Canfora about his bio-drama, Fellow Travelers)
First published in Long Island Pulse, NY, June 2018.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-hh

May 2018: Pride and Joy: Entrepreneur Joy Mangano Celebrates New Book and Old Values
(A chat with home-shopping magnate Joy Mangano)
First published in Long Island Woman, NY, May 2018.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-vL

May 2018: Discover the Argyle Theater in Babylon Village (aka “It Takes a Village”)
(A big, brand-new theater is about to open on Long Island)
First published in Long Island Pulse, NY, April 2018.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-hk

March 2018: Feeling the Love Power: Ronnie Spector on Memories, Men, and Music
(A chat with rock-n-roll songstress and spousal abuse survivor Ronnie Spector)
First published in Long Island Woman, NY, March 2018.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-vQ

March 2018: Go Big or Go Bigger: Broadway’s Goes Mega in Spring 2018
(A spring-season Broadway preview)
First published in Long Island Pulse magazine, March 2018.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-vw

Jan. 2018: Still Breathing: Toni Braxton on Love, Marriage, Divorce, Sex, & Cigarettes
(A chat with singer and reality TV star Toni Braxton)
First published in Long Island Woman magazine, Jan. 2018
https://wp.me/pzvIo-vT

Dec. 2017: Conversation with a Kick-Starter: Lindsay Howe on a Rockette’s Life
(An interview with Radio City Rockette Lindsay Howe)
First published in Long Island Pulse magazine, Dec. 2017
https://wp.me/pzvIo-w1

Nov. 2017: Ping Pong, Pop Tarts, and Pineapples – Comedian Paula Poundstone on the Rewards of Moving Forward
(An interview with comedian Paula Poundstone)
First published in Long Island Woman, NY, Nov. 2017.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-eV

Oct. 2017: Taking her Time: A Chat with Tony-Winning Director Rebecca Taichman
(A chat with Broadway director Rebecca Taichman)
First published in Long Island Pulse magazine, NY, Oct. 2017
https://wp.me/pzvIo-w9

Oct. 2017: It’s a Wonder-ful Life: Lynda Carter on Music, Money and That Role
(An interview with actress, model, and the original “Wonder Woman,” Lynda Carter)
First published in Long Island Woman, NY, Oct. 2017.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-eR

Sept. 2017: Psyched: Cheryl Hines on Acting, Reacting, and the Kennedy Blessing
(An interview with Curb Your Enthusiasm actress Cheryl Hines)
First published in Long Island Woman, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-eY

Sept. 2017: A Band, A Butterfly, and a Bob – Broadway Greets the Autumn
(A preview of Broadway’s fall 2017 season)
First published in Long Island Pulse, NY.
http://wp.me/pzvIo-bE

Aug. 2017: Rebounder: Mackenzie Phillips on Wellness, Loss, and Love
(An interview with “One Day at a Time” star and recovery expert, Mackenzie Phillips)
First published in Long Island Woman magazine, NY, Aug. 2017.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-w4

July 2017: Sometimes a Grain of Sand – Olivia Newton-John Reflects on Glory and Grief
(An interview with pop songstress and actress Olivia Newton John)
First published in Long Island Woman, NY.
http://wp.me/pzvIo-aK

July 2017: Wrong Turn: When Nothing Goes Right
(Theater review of Broadway’s The Play that Goes Wrong)
First published in Long Island Pulse magazine, NY, July 2017.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-9X

May 2017: Karen Allen and the World of Yes
(An interview with “Raiders” actress Karen Allen about her latest film project, “A Year by the Sea”)
First published in Long Island Woman, NY, May 2017
http://wp.me/pzvIo-aP

May 2017: Moonlighting: In Bloom – Christopher Hackert Gets his Theatrical Wish
(A profile of longtime Long Island florist–and playwright–Christopher Hackert)
First published in Long Island Pulse, NY.
http://wp.me/pzvIo-bk

April 2017: The Ceiling’s the Limit: Jules Feiffer Collaborates on a New Musical
(An interview with Pulitzer-winning cartoonist Jules Feiffer about his work on The Man in the Ceiling, a musical premiering at Long Island’s Bay Street Theater)
First published in Long Island Pulse, NY.
http://wp.me/pzvIo-a8

April 2017: To the Oval Office from the Bunion Derby: Allison Janney’s Slow Rise to Stardom
(An interview with “West Wing” and theater actress Allison Janney
First published in Long Island Woman, NY, April 2007.
http://wp.me/pzvIo-aV

March 2017: Spring on Broadway – Old Friends and Oddballs
(A preview of Broadway’s sprawling spring 2017 season)
First published in Long Island Pulse, NY.
http://wp.me/pzvIo-ba

March 2017: Valerie Bertinelli – Taking Life one Dish at a Time
(An interview with “One Day at a Time” and cooking-show star, Valerie Bertinelli)
First published in Long Island Woman, NY.
http://wp.me/pzvIo-b0

Jan. 2017: Serving Love – Billie Jean King Still Winning for All of Us
(An interview with tennis legend and activist, Billie Jean King)
First published in Long Island Woman, NY.
http://wp.me/pzvIo-b5

December 2016: When Success is the Option – Jillian Michaels
(An interview with exercise guru Jillian Michaels)
First published Dec. 2016 in Long Island Woman, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-yP

Dec. 2016: Kelli O’Hara on Living the Theater Life
(An interview with Tony-winning actress Kelli O’Hara)
First published in Long Island Pulse, NY.
http://wp.me/pzvIo-bq

Nov. 2016: L.I.’s Lantern Still Burns Bright
(A look at Long Island’s 64-year-old Lanter Theater Company)
First published in Long Island Pulse, NY.
http://wp.me/pzvIo-bu

Oct. 2016: Life Beyond Hamilton – Broadway’s Fall Shows Open on Their Own Terms
(A preview of Broadway’s fall 2016 season)
First published in Long Island Pulse, NY.
http://wp.me/pzvIo-by

Sept. 2016: The Show Goes On: Theater Three Starts a New Season without an Old Friend
(Jeffrey Sanzel, artistic director of Long Island’s Theater Three, reflects on the new season and the passing of longtime musical director Ellen Michelmore)
First published in Long Island Pulse, NY.
http://wp.me/pzvIo-bG

May 2016: Aria Grande – Playwright Jonathan Tolins and his Fandom of the Opera
(Playwright Jonathan Tolins discusses his latest, A Forgotten Woman, premiering at Long Island’s Bay Street Theater)
First published in Long Island Pulse, NY.
http://wp.me/pzvIo-bM

May 2016: Sprinkled Cupcakes and Tofu Turkeys – Patricia Heaton
(A chat with actress Patricia Heaton)
First published May 2016 in Long Island Woman, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-yS

April 2016: Springtime in New York – Where Broadway is Blooming
(A preview of Broadway’s spring 2016 season)
First published April 2016 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
http://wp.me/pzvIo-bP

March 2016: A Chance to Shine: Syosset Dons a Shiny New CAP
(A chat with Bruce Grossman, artistic director of Syosset, Long Island’s Cultural Arts Playhouse)
First published in Long Island Pulse, NY.
http://wp.me/pzvIo-bU

March 2016: A Club of One – Our Good Friend, Kathy Griffin
(A chat with comedian Kathy Griffin)
First published March 2016 in Long Island Woman, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-zf

Feb. 2016: Women on the Verge – Daughters Arrives at the Merrick Theater
(A preview of Daughters, John Morgan Evans’s comedy-drama at Long Island’s Merrick Theater)
First published in Long Island Pulse, NY.
http://wp.me/pzvIo-bX

Jan. 2016: Lori Loughlin: House Proud
(A chat with actress Lori Loughlin)
First published Jan. 2016 in Long Island Woman magazine, NY
https://wp.me/pzvIo-x7

Dec. 2015: The Game’s Afoot
(As part of my monthly theater column, a review of Broadway’s The Gin Game revival)
First published Dec. 2015 in Long Island Pulse, NY
https://wp.me/pzvIo-c3

Dec. 2015: No Second Takes: Laurie Metcalf
(A profile of actress Laurie Metcalf)
First published Dec. 2015 in Long Island Woman
https://wp.me/pzvIo-za

Nov. 2015: The Tin Man Writes a Play Full of Heart
(A profile of playwright Sean Grennan on the eve of his drama, The Tin Woman, opening at Long Island Bay Street Theater)
First published in Long Island Pulse, NY.
http://wp.me/pzvIo-cc

Oct. 2015: She was My Mother – Melissa Rivers
(An interview with TV personality Melissa Rivers)
First published Oct. 2015 in Long Island Woman, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-zq

Oct. 2015: Lemmon’s Pledge
(An interview with actor-singer Chris Lemmon, son of legendary actor Jack Lemmon)
First published in Long Island Pulse, NY.
http://wp.me/pzvIo-cl

Oct. 2015: Theatrical Island Hoppers
(A look at famous theater people born and/or raised on Long Island, including Alec Baldwin, Charles Ludlam, Patti LuPone, Adam Pascal, Idina Menzel, and Edie Falco)
First published on LongIslandPulse.com, NY.
http://wp.me/pzvIo-cf

Sept. 2015: Fall Approaches Quietly
(A preview of the fall 2015 Broadway season)
First published in Long Island Pulse, NY.
http://wp.me/pzvIo-cp

Sept. 2015: Jane Lynch – Still Gleeful
(A chat with actress Jane Lynch)
First published Sept. 2015 in Long Island Woman, NY
https://wp.me/pzvIo-zu

July 2015: With Comedy Comes Responsibility
(As part of my monthly theater column, reviews of the Broadway comedies Hand to God and Fish in the Dark)
First published July 2015 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-cv

June 2015: Sincerely Yours, Bay Street Theater
(Featuring interviews with playwright Alena Smith and director Bob Balaban, a preview of the comedy, The New Sincerity before its opening at Long Island’s Bay Street Theater)
First published in Long Island Pulse, NY.
http://wp.me/pzvIo-cB

April 2015: Vanessa Williams – Inspired
(A chat with actress Vanessa Williams)
First published April 2015 in Long Island Woman, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-zO

April 2015: Bones About It
(A chat with Bare Bones Theater artistic director Jeff Bennett about The Motherfucker with the Hat)
First published April 2015 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-z6

March 2015: Signs of Intelligent Life – Lily Tomlin
(A chat with actress Lily Tomlin)
First published March 2015 in Long Island Woman, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-ak

Feb. 2015: Annie Lennox: Making Brand – New Nostalgia
(A chat with Eurythmics musician Annie Lennox)
First published Feb. 2015 in Long Island Woman, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-zT

Jan. 2015: From Here to the Moon – Dolly Parton
(Based on a press Q&A, a profile of musician Dolly Parton)
First published Jan. 2015 in Long Island Woman, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Ab

Jan. 2015: Disgraced: A Broadway Dinner Party
(A review of the Broadway drama Disgraced for my monthly theater column)
First published Jan. 2015 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-z0

Dec. 2015: Play Time: Lane and Broderick Reunite on Broadway
(For my monthly theater column, a review of Broadway’s It’s Only a Play)
First published Winter 2014 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-A6

Nov. 2014: Never Say Never – Joely Richardson Goes Solo
(A chat with actress Joely Richardson)
First published Nov. 2014 in Long Island Woman, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-An

Nov. 2014: Hamlet in East Hampton
(Morgan Vaughan directs her husband Tristan in an East Hampton Hamlet)
First published Nov. 2014 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-zF

Oct. 2014: So Much to See, So Few Leaves
(A preview of the fall 2014 Broadway season)
First published Oct. 2014 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-A0

Sept. 2014: Madonna & Madness – J. Stephen Brantley
(A chat with J. Stephen Brantley about his Madonna-based solo show)
First published Sept. 2014 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Az

July 2014: 2014 Summer Stage Preview
(Long Island theater offerings in summer 2014)
First published July 2014 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-AN <P.

June 2014: You Scratch My Back – All the Way
(A review of Broadway’s All the Way and sidebar about movie stars doing shows)
First published June 2014 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-AE

May 2014: A New Leader and a New Season – Bay Street Moves Forward
(Bay Street Theater’s new artistic director, Scott Schwartz, and new season)
First published May 2014 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-At

April 2014: Ben Vereen – Another Way to Move
(A chat with actor Ben Vereen)
First published April 2014 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-AR

March 2014: August: Osage County in Southampton
(A chat with director Michael Benton Disher about staging August: Osage County at Southampton Cultural Center)
First published March 2014 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-AW

March 2014: Queen for a Daytime: Queen Latifah
(A chat with actress and musician Queen Latifah)
First published March 2014 in Long Island Woman, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Bl

Feb. 2014: Nothing Tastes as Good as I Feel (Robin Quivers)
A chat with “Howard Stern Show” radio co-host Robin Quivers)
First published Feb. 2014 in Long Island Woman, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Bq

Feb. 2014: The Bard is Back
(After a drought, Shakespeare plays return to NYC stages)
First published Feb. 2014 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-B2

Dec. 2013: Through a Glass, Tenderly
(A review of The Glass Menagerie on Broadway as part of my monthly Broadway column)
First published Dec. 2013 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-B7

Dec. 2013: Dionne Warwick – “Now” and Then
(A chat with songstress Dionne Warwick)
First published Dec. 2013 in Long Island Woman, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-BJ

Nov. 2013: Old is New – A November to Remember
(A fall 2013 Broadway preview)
First published Nov. 2013 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-BA

Nov. 2013: Cartwheeling with Andie MacDowell
(A chat with actress Andie MacDowell)
First published Nov. 2013 in Long Island Woman, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Bv

Oct. 2013: Wandaful World – Wanda Sykes
(A chat with comedian Wanda Sykes)
First published Oct. 2013 in Long Island Woman, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-BE

June 2013: 10 Shows in Search of an Audience
(Summer theater highlights on Long Island)
First published June 2013 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Bc

May 2013: Perl Vision – HITFest Buzzing Over
(Profile of the Hamptons Independent Theater Festival and founder Joshua Perl)
First published May 2013 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Bg

March 2013: A Heart to Heart with Ann Wilson
(A chat with Heart musician Ann Wilson)
First published March 2013 in Long Island Woman, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Cn

Feb. 2013: Happily Drescher
(A chat with actress Fran Drescher)
First published Feb. 2013 in Long Island Woman, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Ct

Jan. 2013: Kristin Chenoweth – With Gratitude
(A chat with actress Kristin Chenoweth)
First published Jan. 2013 in Long Island Woman, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Cy

Nov. 2012: Laugh Along with Mitch
(Robert O’Neill of Long Island’s Studio Theater discusses Duck Hunter Shoots Angel)
First published Nov. 2012 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-CD

Nov. 2012: Sherri Shepherd: A Bumpy Ride to a Perfect View
(A chat with TV personality Sherri Shepherd)
First published Nov. 2012 in Long Island Woman, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Ci

Oct. 2012: Jennifer Warnes – Where She Belongs
(A chat with musician Jennnifer Warnes)
First published Oct. 2012 in Long Island Woman, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-CJ

Sept. 2012: Lisa Rinna Gets her Mojo Back Big Time
(A chat with television personality Lisa Rinna)
First published Sept. 2012 in Long Island Woman, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-CR

June 2012: 2012 Summer Stage Preview
(A preview of summer shows at Long Island theaters)
First published June 2012 in Long Island Woman, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-CW

May 2012: Death of a Salesman
(As part of my monthly theater column, a review of Broadway’s Death of a Salesman)
First published May 2012 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-D0

May 2012: Linda Evans – Looking Inside
(A chat with actress Linda Evans)
First published May 2012 in Long Island Woman, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-D5

April 2012: Rita Rudner – The Right Place at the Right Time
(A chat with comedienne Rita Rudner)
First published April 2012 in Long Island Woman, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Da

March 2012: Bebe Neuwirth – All Those Cheers
(A chat with actress Bebe Neuwirth)
First published March 2012 in Long Island Woman, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Dr

March 2012: Car Talk – Hampton Theater Company
(A chat with Hampton Theater Company artistic director Sarah Hunnewell)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Dg

Feb. 2012: Winter on Broadway – From Venus to Mecca
(Some winter shows on Broadway)
First published Feb. 2012 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Dw

Nov. 2011: Dixie Invades Islip
(Islip Town Hall presents Dixie Swim Club)
First published Nov. 2011 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-DB

Oct. 2011: Whoosh – Autumn on Broadway
(A look at Broadway’s fall season)
First published Oct. 2011 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-DP

Sept. 2011: Wendie Malick’s Hot Spots
(A chat with actress Wendie Malick)
First published Sept. 2011 in Long Island Woman, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-DS

Sept. 2011: Sky Writing – Deja vu Dramatist Lanford Wilson
(Off-Broadway’s Keen Company revives Lemon Sky)
First published Sept. 2011 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-DF

Aug. 2011: Meredith Baxter – Owning Up
(A chat with actress Meredith Baxter)
First published Aug. 2011 in Long Island Woman, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-DX

Aug. 2011: Fringe Benefits
(A look at funny entires in the New York International Fringe Festival)
First published Aug. 2011 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-DF

June 2011: Quick Thoughts on the 2011 Tony Awards Show
(Penned quickly after the live Tony broadcast, a look at highlights and low)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-uS

May 2011: Shirley MacLane – Over But Not Out
(A chat with actress Shirley MacLaine)
First published May 2011 in Long Island Woman, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-E5

May 2011: Darrell Hammond’s Aim is Tru
(A chat with actor Darrell Hammond about playing Truman Capote)
First published May 2011 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-DK

April 2011: Standing Pat – Pat Cooper
(A chat with comedian Pat Cooper)
First published April 2011 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-E2

March 2011: Medium Rare But Well Done
(Arena Players stages Dale Griffiths Stamos’s One White Crow)
First published March 2011 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Ea

Feb. 2011: The Laramie Project
(Adelphi University stages The Laramie Project)
First published Feb. 2011 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Ce

Dec. 2010: Mighty Meta
(A look at Broadway shows that self-comment)
First published Dec. 2010 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-C7

Nov. 2010: A November to Remember
(A fall Broadway preview)
First published Nov. 2010 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-C4

Sept. 2010: Lucie Arnaz – On Mom, Dad, and the Muse
(A chat with actress Lucie Arnaz)
First published Sept. 2010 in Long Island Woman, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Eg

Aug. 2010: Wonder of Wonders
(A chat with Rabbi Sol Solomon about his synagogue’s theatrical endeavors)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-yk

July 2010: Broadway: Where Men are Men…Sort Of
(A look at various shows, Broadway and Off, treating aspects of masculinity)
First published July 2010 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-C0

June 2010: Jackie Oh! An Interview with Jackie Collins
(A chat with novelist Jackie Collins)
First published June 2010 in Long Island Woman, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-BO

June 2010: Cognitive Dissonance (Damian Lanigan)
(A preview of Damian Lanigan’s Dissonance at L.I.’s Bay Street Theater)
First published June 2010 in Long Island Pulse.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-BV

May 2010: Joy Behar: On Innocence…
(A chat with comedienne and talk-show Joy Behar)
First published May 2010 in Long Island Woman, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-xV

May 2010: Studio Theater
(A profile of Bob O’Neill, new proprietor of Long Island’s Studio Theater)
First published May 2010 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-ye

April 2010: The Spring Onslaught
(An overview of Broadway shows opening in the spring)
First published April 2010 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-yy

March 2010: From Ashes to Paradise
(Headed by Frederick DeFeis, L.I.’s Arena Players stages the drama, Paradise Key
First published March 2010 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-yC

Feb. 2010: Road to Ruin
(The top 15 ways to continue ruining Broadway)
First published Feb. 2010 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-yJ

Dec. 2009: Battle of the Sexes (On and Off Broadway)
(Various plays and musicals of the late-fall Broadway/Off season, with a concentration on male/female conflicts)
First published in the Dec. 2009-Jan. 2010 issue of Long Island Pulse magazine, NY
https://wp.me/pzvIo-wi

Nov. 2009: Lorraine Bracco on Life as a Post-Doc
(An interview with “Goodfellas” actress Lorraine Bracco)
First published in Long Island Woman, NY.
http://wp.me/pzvIo-2p

Nov. 2009: Golden & Shining: November is Far from Theater’s Twilight
(A preview of NYC shows opening in November 1999, plus some current NYC picks)
First published in Long Island Pulse magazine, Nov. 1999.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-wm

Oct. 2009: Carrie Fisher – She Moves On
(An interview with “Star Wars” actress Carrie Fisher)
First published in Long Island Woman, NY.
http://wp.me/pzvIo-2D

Oct. 2009: Broadway Oktoberfeast
(A preview of the 2009 Fall Broadway season)
First published Oct. 2009 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-yG

Sept. 2009: Comedies Tonight
(A look at comedies playing in Long Island theaters)
First published Sept. 2009 in Long Island Pulse, NY
https://wp.me/pzvIo-yp

Sept. 2009: Call Her Anna – Patty Duke
(An interview with “Miracle Worker” actress Patty Duke)
First published in Long Island Woman, NY.
http://wp.me/pzvIo-2x

Aug. 2009: Now, About These Women – Airmid Theater Company
(A chat with Tricia McDermott, artistic director of Long Island’s Airmid Theater Company)
First published in Long Island Pulse magazine, NY, Aug. 2009
https://wp.me/pzvIo-wg

July 2009: Hot Flashes: Menopause the Musical Comes to Port Washington
(A chat with Menopause author Jeanie Linders)
First published in Long Island Pulse magazine, NY, July 2009
https://wp.me/pzvIo-wp

June 2009: 2009 Summer Stage Preview
(An overview of Long Island summer theater offerings))
First published in Long Island Pulse magazine, NY, June 2009
https://wp.me/pzvIo-wz

May 2009: Women of Manhattan
(Director Jere Jacobs discusses John Patrick Shanley’s play, Women of Manhattan, at Northeast Stage)
First published in Long Island Pulse magazine, NY, May 2009
https://wp.me/pzvIo-wu

May 2009: Two Rivers Run Through It: Joan & Melissa Rivers on The Truth, The Past, and the Plastic
(A chat with comedian Joan Rivers and her actress daughter, Melissa Rivers)
First published in Long Island Woman magazine, May 2009
https://wp.me/pzvIo-wQ

April 2009: Facing Off Without a Net
(The Long Island Improv troupe Friday Night Face Off, plus a sidebar of NYC picks)
First published in Long Island Pulse magazine, NY, April 2009
https://wp.me/pzvIo-wE

March 2009: Too Jewish? No Such Thing
(A chat with Too Jewish actor and creator Avi Hoffman)
First published in Long Island Pulse magazine, NY, March 2009
https://wp.me/pzvIo-x3

Feb. 2009: Cashing In
(Theater Three’s Jeffrey Sanzel helps preview the Johnny Cash revue Ring of Fire)
First published in Long Island Pulse magazine, NY, Feb. 2009
https://wp.me/pzvIo-xc

Dec. 2008: Christmas Cometh
(A look at all the Christmas Carols playing on Long Island that season)
First published in the Dec. 2008-Jan. 2009 issue of Long Island Pulse magazine, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-xk

Dec. 2008: Curb Your Ensusiessman: The Comedian Speaks Out on Being Fair – and Foul
(An interview with “Curb Your Enthusiasm” comic actress, Susie Essman)
First published in Long Island Woman, NY.
http://wp.me/pzvIo-2A

Nov. 2008: Hey, Ricky!
(A chat with Greg Purnhagen about his Desi Arnaz tribute show, Babalu-cy!)
First published in Long Island Woman, NY, Nov. 2008
https://wp.me/pzvIo-xg

Oct. 2008: Diahann Carroll Looks Back – and Forward
(An interview with Tony-winning actress Diahann Carroll)
First published in Long Island Woman, NY.
http://wp.me/pzvIo-2r

Oct. 2008: Chiller Theater
(A look at Hallowen-appropriate theater offerings on Long Island)
First published Oct. 2008 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-xr

Sept. 2008: Multiple Choices
(A look at September’s varied theater offerings on Long Island)
First published Sept. 2008 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-xv

Aug. 2008: Chew on This
(Cannibal the Musical comes to Long Island!)
First published Aug. 2008 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-xy

July 2008: Beyond Therapy
(A preview of Bay Street Theater’s revival of Christopher Durang’s Beyond Therapy)
First published July 2008 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-xE

June 2008: Summer Stage Preview (2008)
(A look at summertime offerings at Long Island’s theaters)
First published June 2008 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-xG

May 2008: BroadHollow Brings Maine to Long Island
(Preview piece about L.I.’s BroadHollow Theater staging Almost, Maine)
First published May 2008 in Long Island Pulse, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-xG

April 2007: Here to Stay
(Michael Sgouros’s plans to revive off-Broadway’s Players Theater)
First published April 2007 in Stage Directions magazine.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-xL

March 2007: Katz Prowls at the Pels
(A preview piece about the off-Broadway comedy, Howard Katz)
First published in TheaterSceneOnline.com.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-oC

June 2006: Tony Preview: With no Big Heavyweight, Counterpunchers…
(Previews and predictions for the 2006 Tony Awards)
First published June 2006 in The Improper.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-y2

May 2006: With Theater Awards Looming, Broadway Puts Best Foot Forward
(A look at a flurry of shows opening to end the 2005-06 Broadway season)
First published May 2006 in The Improper.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-y5

April 2006: Greenberg’s Rain Pieces Together Tangled Childhood Relationship
(A preview of the Three Days of Rain revival on Broadway)
First published April 2006 in The Improper.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-ya

Jan. 2002: The Fantasticks Bids Farewell, Jan. 13, After 42 Years…
(New York’s longest-running musical leaves the Sullivan Street Playhouse)
First published in Playbill.com.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-qo

Jan. 2002: Weedman’s OB Homecoming Starts at ArcLight Jan. 17
(The off-Broadway return of Lauren Weedman’s solo, Homecoming)
First published in Playbill.com, Jan. 2002.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-lf

Feb. 2001: Brief Encounter with Leslie Ayvazian
(An interview with off-Broadway playwright Leslie Ayvazian)
First published in Playbill.com.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-l7

Dec. 1999: The Season On and Off Broadway (1998-1999)
(Essay covering the New York theater season)
Commissioned and published as the introductory essay for “Theater Yearbook: The Best Plays of 1998-1999,” Limelight Editions, 1999.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Gr

Dec. 1998: The Season On and Off Broadway (1997-1998)
(Essay covering the New York theater season)
Commissioned and published as the introductory essay for “Theater Yearbook: The Best Plays of 1997-1998,” Limelight Editions, 1998.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-JD

Dec. 1997: The Season On and Off Broadway (1998-1999)
(Essay covering the New York theater season)
Commissioned and published as the introductory essay for “Theater Yearbook: The Best Plays of 1996-1997,” Limelight Editions, 1997.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Gl

May 1997: Uhry, Bricusse & Others Discuss Evolution of Shows on the Road
(Coverage of a panel by the American Theater Critics Association)
First published May 1997 in Playbill.com, reprinted in Critics Quarterly.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Ev

Oct. 1996: Andrea Martin’s Nude Gets West Coast Premiere
(A news item about Andrea Martin’s solo show coming to California)
First published in Playbill.com, Oct. 14, 1996.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-ti

Sept. 1996: David Lefkowitz Joins Playbill On-Line Staff
(A short autobiography for my first day on the job)
First published in Playbill.com, Sept. 16, 1996.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-tv

Aug. 1996. The View from Sibiu
(Coverage of the third annual International Theater Festival in Sibiu, Romania)
First published in the American Theater Critics Association’s Critics Quarterly, summer 2016.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-JN

Jan. 1995: Flanders’ Field: An Interview with Actress and Musician Julie Flanders
(A profile of October Project songwriter Julie Flanders)
First published in NYC’s Resident newspaper, reprinted in This Month ON STAGE magazine.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-II

Aug. 1994: The Best in the Business are Working Off Broadway
(A season preview of off-Broadway shows)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Jl

May 1991: Jewish Rep: In Search of a Homeland
(Off-Broadway’s Jewish Rep faces eviction from its 14th Street home)
First published in the May 8, 1991 issue of Show Business magazine.
https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/1991/05/08/feature-story-jewish-rep-in-search-of-a-homeland/

March 1991: Desperate Measures for Desperate Times: Broadway Forms a New Alliance
In-depth look at The Broadway Alliance’s attempt to revive Broadway business
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Jq

Feb. 1990: Thanks for Reminding Us: We Must Remember This?
(Review of a video series that overviews important news stories covered on ABC-TV)Overview of off-off-Broadway theaters in Tribeca, NYC
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Jh

May 1989: The Secret of Joe Franklin
(A profile of radio/TV nostalgia king, Joe Franklin)
First published in Fast Lane magazine.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-J7

Feb. 1977: All About PCC
(A profile of Woodmere, NY’s Peninsula Counseling Center)
First published in: The South Chronicle, Woodmere Junior High School South, Woodmere, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-h8

Feb. 1977: Mrs. Kolb’s Corner
(An interview with Barbara Kolb, principal of Junior High School South, Hewlett, NY)
First published in: The South Chronicle, Woodmere Junior High School South, Woodmere, NY.
https://wp.me/pzvIo-h4

Click the links for David Lefkowitz’s oeuvre, which he hopes you’ll loeuvre.

FEATURE STORIES:
https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/category/feature-stories/

INTERVIEWS & PROFILES
https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/category/feature-stories/interviews-profiles/

PLAYS: Full Length:
https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/category/full-length-plays/

PLAYS: One-Acts:
https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/category/one-act-plays/

POEMS: Humorous:
https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/category/poems-humorous/

SCREENPLAYS:
https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/category/screenplays/

SONGS:
https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/2018/05/06/songs-by-david-lefkowitz/

TABLE OF CONTENTS:
http://wp.me/pzvIo-ac

THEATER REVIEWS:
https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/category/theater-reviews/

SCREENPLAYS

BOOKWORM! (short horror-comedy, 1988)
(co-written with Al Hunter)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-FQ

EXTRA (short comedy, 1987)
(conceived by Zvi Arav, based on a short story by Ephraim Kishon)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Gf

THE SECOND COMING OF MICHAEL ZIVITZ (screenplay treatment, dark comedy, 1983)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-KZ

SEPARATING (short drama, 1983)
(adapted from John Updike short story)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Lp

FEATURE STORIES: INTERVIEWS & PROFILES

by David Lefkowitz

(This is a list of notables who were either interviewed, or served as profile subjects, in my writings. Hundreds more have appeared on my podcast, Dave’s Gone By. You can hear those archives at http://www.davesgoneby.com.)

KAREN ALLEN (actress, May 2017):
http://wp.me/pzvIo-aP

LUCIE ARNAZ (actress, Sept. 2010)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Eg

LESLIE AYVAZIAN (playwright, Feb. 2001)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-l7

BOB BALABAN (actor-director, June 2015)
http://wp.me/pzvIo-cB

ANNE BASS (Lantern Theater executive producer, March 2017)
http://wp.me/pzvIo-bu

MEREDITH BAXTER, actress, Sept. 2011)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-DX

GLEN J. BECK (director, May 2008)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-xG

JOY BEHAR (comedian, May 2010)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-xV

JEFF BENNETT (artistic director, April 2015)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-z6

VALERIE BERTINELLI (actress, March 2017)
http://wp.me/pzvIo-b0

LORRAINE BRACCO (actress, Nov. 2009)
http://wp.me/pzvIo-2p

J. STEPHEN BRANTLEY (actor, Sept. 2014)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Az

TONI BRAXTON (singer, Jan. 2018)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-vT

DIAHANN CARROLL (actress, Oct. 2008)
http://wp.me/pzvIo-2r

LYNDA CARTER (actress, Oct. 2017)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-eR

KRISTIN CHENOWETH (actress, Jan. 2013)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Cy

JACKIE COLLINS (writer, June 2010)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-BO

PAT COOPER (comedian, April 2011)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-E2

FREDERICK DEFEIS (artistic director, March 2010)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-ai

BO DEREK (actress, March 2019)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-GZ

MICHAEL BENTON DISHER (director, March 2014)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-AW

FRAN DRESCHER (actress, Feb. 2013)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Ct

PATTY DUKE (actress, Sept. 2009)
http://wp.me/pzvIo-2x

SUSIE ESSMAN (actress, Dec. 2008)
http://wp.me/pzvIo-2A

LINDA EVANS (actress, May 2012)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-D5

JULES FEIFFER (author-cartoonist, April 2017)
http://wp.me/pzvIo-a8

CARRIE FISHER (actress, Oct. 2009)
http://wp.me/pzvIo-2D

JULIE FLANDERS (actress & musician, Jan. 1995)

https://wp.me/pzvIo-II

JANE FONDA (actress, March 2020)

https://wp.me/pzvIo-LR

JOE FRANKLIN (entertainer, May 1989)

https://wp.me/pzvIo-J7

TONY GEORGAN (Merrick Theater founder, Feb. 2016)
http://wp.me/pzvIo-bX

SEAN GRENNAN (playwright, Nov. 2015)
http://wp.me/pzvIo-cc

KATHY GRIFFIN (comedian, March 2016)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-zf

BRUCE GROSSMAN (Cultural Arts Playhouse producer, March 2016)
http://wp.me/pzvIo-bU

STEVE GUTTENBERG (actor, April 1991)

https://wp.me/pzvIo-Im

CHRISTOPHER HACKERT (playwright, May 2017)
http://wp.me/pzvIo-bk

DARRELL HAMMOND (actor, May 2011)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-DK

MARCIA GAY HARDEN (actress, Nov. 2018)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-vj

PATRICIA HEATON (actress, May 2016)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-yS

CHERYL HINES (actress, Sept. 2017)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-eY

AVI HOFFMAN (actor, March 2009
https://wp.me/pzvIo-x3

LINDSAY HOWE (dancer, Dec. 2017)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-w1

SARAH HUNNEWELL (artistic director, March 2012)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Dg

JERE JACOB (director, May 2009)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-wu

ALLISON JANNEY (actress, April 2017)
http://wp.me/pzvIo-aV

BILLIE JEAN KING (athlete, Jan. 2017)
http://wp.me/pzvIo-b5

TARMO KIRSIMAE (director, Feb. 2016)
http://wp.me/pzvIo-bX

BARBARA KOLB (principal, Feb. 1977)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-h4

CHRISTINE LAHTI (actress, July 2018)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-ve

DAMIAN LANIGAN (playwright, June 2010)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-BV

CHRIS LEMMON (actor-singer, Oct. 2015)
http://wp.me/pzvIo-cl

ANNIE LENNOX (musician, Feb. 2015)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-zT

JEANIE LINDERS (playwright, July 2009)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-wp

LORI LOUGHLIN (actress, Jan. 2016)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-x7

JANE LYNCH (actress, Sept. 2015)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-zu

ANDIE MacDOWELL (actress, Nov. 2013)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Bv

SHIRLEY MACLAINE (actress, May 2011)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-E5

KATHLEEN MADIGAN (comedian, Jan. 2019)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Dm

WENDIE MALICK (actress, Sept. 2011)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-DS

JOY MANGANO (entrepreneur, May 2018)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-vL

TRICIA McDERMOTT (director, July 2009)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-wg

LAURIE METCALF (actress, Dec. 2015)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-za

JILLIAN MICHAELS (entrepreneur, Dec. 2010)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-yP

FRANCINE NEMEROFF (director, Aug. 2008)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-xy

BEBE NEUWIRTH (actress, March 2012)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Dr

OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN (actress-singer, July 2017)
http://wp.me/pzvIo-aK

KELLI O’HARA (actress, Dec. 2017)
http://wp.me/pzvIo-bq

ROBERT (BOB) O’NEILL (artistic director)
Nov. 2012: https://wp.me/pzvIo-CD
May 2010: https://wp.me/pzvIo-ye

DOLLY PARTON (musician, Jan. 2015)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Ab

JOSHUA PERL (director, May 2013)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Bg

MACKENZIE PHILLIPS (actress, Aug. 2017)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-w4

ANNIE POTTS (actress, Dec. 2019)

https://wp.me/pzvIo-Iu

PAULA POUNDSTONE (comedian, Nov. 2017)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-eV

GREG PURNHAGEN (actor, Nov. 2008)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-xg

QUEEN LATIFAH (musician, March 2014)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Bl

ROBIN QUIVERS (radio personality, Feb. 2014)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Bq

JOELY RICHARDSON (actress, Nov. 2014)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-An

LISA RINNA (actress, Sept. 2012)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-CR

JOAN RIVERS (comedian, May 2009)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-wQ

MELISSA RIVERS (TV personality)
Oct. 2015: https://wp.me/pzvIo-zq
May 2009: https://wp.me/pzvIo-wQ

RITA RUDNER (comedian)
April 2012: https://wp.me/pzvIo-Da

VINNY RUSSO (director, April 2009)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-wE

JEFFREY SANZEL (Theater Three artistic director)
Sept 2016: http://wp.me/pzvIo-bG
Feb. 2009: https://wp.me/pzvIo-xc

SCOTT SCHWARTZ (artistic director, May 2014)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-At

MICHAEL SGOUROS (Players Theater artistic director, April 2007)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-xL

SHERRI SHEPHERD (comedian, Nov. 2012)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Ci

ALENA SMITH (playwright, June 2015)
http://wp.me/pzvIo-cB

RABBI SOL SOLOMON (Rabbi, Aug. 2010)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-yk

RONNIE SPECTOR (singer, March 2018)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-vQ

DALE GRIFFITHS STAMOS (playwright, March 2011)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Ea

WANDA SYKES (comedian, Oct. 2013)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-BE

REBECCA TAICHMAN (director, Oct. 2017)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-w9

JONATHAN TOLINS (playwright, May 2016)
http://wp.me/pzvIo-bM

LILY TOMLIN (actress, March 2015)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Ag

MORGAN VAUGHAN (director, Nov. 2014)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-zF

TRISTAN VAUGHAN (actor, Nov. 2014)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-zF

BEN VEREEN (actor, April 2014)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-AR

SELA WARD (actress, 2019)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-ys

JENNIFER WARNES (musician, Oct. 2012)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-CJ

DIONNE WARWICK (singer, Dec. 2013)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-BJ

ALI WENTWORTH (writer, Dec. 2018)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-wJ

VANESSA WILLIAMS (actress, April 2015)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-zO

ANN WILSON (musician, March 2013)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Cn

INDEX – Feature Stories: Interviews & Profiles: https://wp.me/pzvIo-ak

INDEX – Poems – Humorous

3 TERROR-DACTYLS & A CLERIHEW

(four short and silly verses in dactyl form, 1986)

https://wp.me/pzvIo-HF

INDEX: Short Fiction

Short stories and humorous pieces by David Lefkowitz

THE CHINESE RESTAURANT
(sad-humorous short story, 1986)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-G2

EVERY SINGLE THING
(darkly comic short story, 1987)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Fg

GREAT QUOTATIONS AND THEIR ORIGINS
(humorous mock homage to Barlett, 1986)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-FM

JOHN SMITH UNIVERSITY
(humorous spoof of a university curriculum devoted to the life of one unimportant man, 1984)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-H6

TOWARDS A VERY POOR THEATER
(humorous satire of avant-garde theater, 1985)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Gw

INDEX: Songs

SONGS

by David Lefkowitz

Below please find a list of many of my songs — funny, serious, satirical, dark — with links to their lyrics on this website. Many of these songs were performed on my radio program, Dave’s Gone By, or may be heard on my youtube channel.
For more information, including rights and permissions, please contact me at davesgoneby_at_aol.com.

All songs (c) by David Lefkowitz, unless otherwise noted.

*

ALEPH BAIS (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6b
(a fat-free parody tune from a Rabbi’s perspective when he teaches Bar Mitzvah bochers their Haftorah portions)

ALMOST A SONNET (1981): http://wp.me/pzvIo-O
(a lightly serious love song with a nod to the bard)

AMAGANSETT PRINCESS (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-T
(a fairly serious song about a girl looking for all the wrong things in all the wrong ways)

ANAL DREIDEL (2007, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3y
(Thanks to a new medical procedure, Rabbi Sol Solomon discovers a new toy…and talent)

THE ANSWERS TO BLOWING IN THE WIND (1980): https://wp.me/pzvIo-eJ
(Who said the questions had to be rhetorical?)

THE ANTLERS ARE BLOWING IN THE WIND (aka “Moose You Around”) (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-2g
(An absurdly romantic waltz)

AR-15 (2018): https://wp.me/pzvIo-gh
(Yet another real-life psychopath turning a school into a mausoleum)

AROUND THE OOSTERHUIS (2017): https://wp.me/pzvIo-vI
<em(What else is there to do in an oyster house except run around it?)

BACH PRELUDE #1 IN F.U. MAJOR: https://wp.me/pzvIo-fn
(A goofy plateful of hateful)

BAD, BAD MAN (2017): https://wp.me/pzvIo-eD
(Yet another sociopath doing satistic things, parodically)

THE BAGEL BOAT SONG (1985, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-13
(A “Banana Boat Song” parody, kosher-style, which was performed in the stage play, Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon)

THE BALLAD OF PETE TOWNSHEND (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3A
(A tune penned when The Who balladeer was having legal troubles with the interwebs)

THE BALLAD OF TEENY PEENIE (1985, co=author: Scott Rodolitz): http://wp.me/pzvIo-16
(A silly song. Infantile even)

BAXTER HOLVOE’S VOLVO SONG (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8v
(A creepily comic ballad for a sociopathic seducer. Ah, love!)

BEFORE THE GOLDRUSH (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-19
(A semi-serious song about the way rock bands rise and crash.)

BEN GAZZARA (1994): http://wp.me/pzvIo-2d
(A deeply earnest lament about missing this fine actor — written many years before he’d actually died)

BETTER DO IT NOW (1984, auths: Scott Rodolitz, Jay Auerfeld, and Kevin Gerber): http://wp.me/pzvIo-9t
(Wish I’d written this catchy, sharp song about Long Island life, but I didn’t. My bandmates did.)

BRUNO (1981): https://wp.me/pzvIo-gL
(Carey may get out his cane, but Bruno breaks out objects on a whole other level)

CAPTAIN LIFLANDER’S MADRIGAL (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3C
(A satirical tune about American exceptionalism and weaponry)

CAUGHT (w.t.c.o.h.c.) (1986): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1f
(A thoroughly reprehensible comic song about a young girl’s evening proclivities)

CHANUKAH WISHES (2008): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3E
(A comic song about a Jewish boy’s true hopes for the Chanukah holiday)

CHERRY ON TOP (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1k
(A satirical tune mocking 1980s Long Island youth culture, such as it was)

COMING AND GOING (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1q
(A downright depressing song about friendship and betrayal)

COMMUTED SENTENCE (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-e2
(A serious number about the, um, joys of commuting to and from NYC

CONSTIPATED (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6T
(A parody song about a poor woman whose stones aren’t rolling)

COVER’D WITH CRAP (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3G
(A comical and aptly disgusting sea shanty)

CRACK OF A WHITE MAN’S ASS (1992): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8t
(A song as anatomical as it is comical)

CRAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN (2008): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3I
(A song parody penned in the midst of the recession)

CRIMINAL JUSTICE (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1u
(A song parody of Joe Cuba’s “Bang Bang” featuring a very bad mother)

DAMN SCHOOL, APPROXIMATELY (1979): https://wp.me/pzvIo-er
(A Dylan song parody knocking and mocking the education system

A DAY IN THE LIFE (OF A PSYCHOPATH) (1979): https://wp.me/pzvIo-fC
(I wrote about a sociopath today, oh boy)

DAYENU (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-46
(A Passover parody song that thanks God for…well, something)

DEAD AIR (1985, co-author: Scott Rodolitz): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1A
(A fairly serious tune about the ills of American radio)

DEAD BLOWFISH (2015): http://wp.me/pzvIo-49
(A parody of “Dead Puppies” dedicated, with apologies, to Miley Cyrus’s departed pet)

DEEP IN THE HEART OF DALLAS (2016): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4d
(In response to the Black Lives Matter movement, a darkly satirical song parody of “Deep in the Heart of Texas”)

A DINGO ATE MY BABY (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3t
(A darkly comical number, to be bellowed in a thick Aussie accent)

DO THE ONION (2008): http://wp.me/pzvIo-9f
(A slow, gloomy dance for people who have no interest in dancing)

DO THE PHOENIX (1994): http://wp.me/pzvIo-2j
(A darkly satirical song instructing lucky teens on how they can die just like River Phoenix)

DON’T MESS WITH US (2003, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4h
(A plucky tune, loosely based on an old Yiddish melody, about Jews’ resiliency)

DON’T THINK TWICE, JUST GO (2009): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4m
(A song parody of Bob Dylan’s “Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright,” dedicated to GWB)

DOUBLE HERNIA (HERNIA BOTH SIDES) (1980): https://wp.me/pzvIo-gT
(With apologies to David Bowie and my intestines)

DRINK TILL I’M DRUNK (2010): https://wp.me/pzvIo-fg
(A jolly Irish song about Irish activities)

ELEPHANT WOMAN WANT GO HOME (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8H
(An a cappella, call-and-response tune perfect for hauling…stuff)

ENEMA BLUES (1978): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5o
(A happily Elvis-ish tune about going with the flow)

EVERY DAY ON THE 5:09 (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1N
(A fairly serious song about enduring life on the Long Island Rail Road)

FLOWERS WEREN’T MEANT TO LAST (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4p
(The plaintive complaint of a singer-songwriter)

FRONTAL LOBOTOMY BLUES (1979 co-author: Scott Rodolitz, revised 2006): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1J
(With apologies to “Mannish Boy,” a sick tune about a sick tot)

FUN IN THE KITCHEN (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5r
(A sick calypso ditty that will not be a hit with PETA)

(I’M HAVING A) GAY CHRISTMAS (2004, co-author: Peter Fitzgerald): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4u
(A pervy nod to alternative holiday celebrations)

GO CIALIS (2014): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4A
(To the tune of “White Rabbit,” this pharmaceutical tribute rocks, um, harder)

HAIR ON MY KNUCKLES (1980): https://wp.me/pzvIo-gF
(Though it’s not true that having hair on one’s knuckles signifies retardation, that doesn’t deter the muse…)

HAPPY FOOT SONG
(see listing under MY FOOT)

HE’S GOT THE SHITHOLE WORLD (IN HIS HANDS) (2018): https://wp.me/pzvIo-g3
(A timely immigration song for our President)

HELLUVA LIFE (1979): https://wp.me/pzvIo-fs
(The joys of castration, Bee Gees style)

HERE’S TO THE HIGH SCHOOL (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5t
(A bitter alma mater for bitter alma martyrs)

HOLIDAY CONGA (co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon, 2008): https://wp.me/pzvIo-gt
(The beauty of Jewish holidays is not their sacredness or spirituality; it’s that there’s so many of `em)

I FEEL BAD (2020): https://wp.me/pzvIo-Kt

(A Jewish answer to James Brown)

I KNOW WHAT GOYS LIKE (2012): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4G
(A parody tune, co-written with Rabbi Sol Solomon for his stage show, Shalom, Dammit!)

I THOUGHT ABOUT YOU (author: Scott Rodolitz, 1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-dU
(A catchy tune about finding the right girl at the wrong time)

I WANNA DECOMPOSE (1979, co-author: Scott Rodolitz): https://wp.me/pzvIo-f3
(Nihilism at its goofiest)

I WANNA HOLD YOUR STUMP (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5H
(Look ma, a Beatles song parody with no hands!)

I’M GONNA PISS MYSELF (2017): https://wp.me/pzvIo-ev
(A Beatles parody about something yellow that isn’t a submarine)

I’M ME (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8K
(A jaunty tune celebrating the self)

I’M TOO SEXY (FOR MY PROSTATE) (2017, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-cN
(A parodic disco ditty about the Rabbi’s various ailments)

IN HIS ASS (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-ea
(A spirited spiritual about items actually inserted by people into their interstices)

IS IT GOOD FOR THE JEWS (2004, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4J
(A Yiddishy ditty that asks the age-old question)

IT WAS AN ALL RIGHT DAY (2017, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-70
(a parody of Ice Cube’s “It was a Good Day” from a Jewish perspective.)

IT’S A STIFF (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4M
(a dark song parody, to “Let it Snow,” about a true New York story)

JEOPARDY KEN (2004): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4P
(A song parody, to the Beatles’ “The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill,” written to celebrate “Jeopardy” celeb Ken Jennings)

JERREE (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-dx
(Jerry Lewis is no longer with us, but don’t tell that to the retarded boy who loves him…)

THE JERRY LEWIS TELETHON HOP (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-dv
(Penned by Scott Rodolitz and Kevin Gerber, a mostly instrumental tribute to the nutty telethon host)

JOEY, THE SPASTIC KANGAROO (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4R
(A bouncy comic tune about an Aussie animal that bounces too freely)

KENNEDY CAR CAR (fka Song for Ted Kennedy) (1980): http://wp.me/pzvIo-de
(A folkie number about the chap acquitted)

KILLIN’ THE CANDIDATES (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5J
(A darkly comic look at the trigger happy)

KISS ME, I’M IRISH (2018): https://wp.me/pzvIo-gA
(A song for the Irishman in all of us)

THE KOSHER HOT DOG PICNIC (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-as
(A children’s folk song about–what else?–depravity)

LA-LA LAND (1988): http://wp.me/pzvIo-J
(A song parody of John Denver’s “Leaving on a Jet Plane” written specifically for a “Howard Stern Show” contest)

LADY LIBERTY (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5L
(A playful number about a statuesque lady)

LAMENT #9 (1982): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5P
(If John Lennon heard this song parody, he’d primal scream)

LET HIM PEE (1979): https://wp.me/pzvIo-ez
(Even early on, I was a “whiz” at Beatles parodies)

LOOK WHAT THEY DONE TO MY HEAD, MA (2004): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4U
(With apologies to Melanie, a dark song parody for the age of terrorism)

M-O-T-H-E-R (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4Z
(Inspired by moms and Theodore Morse & Howard Johnson’s alphabetical tribute to them)

MANY WAYS (2004): https://wp.me/pzvIo-x0
(A teachable moment about language, Mr. Rogers-style)

MAOZ TZURIS (2007): https://wp.me/pzvIo-wW
(A traditionally non-traditional Chanukah tune))

MADE IN THE USA (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5X
(With apologies to The Boss, a parody song of planned obsolescence)

MAKIN’ POOPIES (2004): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4W
(A song parody for when you’re in the dumps)

THE MARRIAGE SONG (All You Do is Bitch) (2013): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3w
(A marital song parody of Lennon-McCartney’s “All You Need is Love”)

ME (1988): http://wp.me/pzvIo-20
(A joyfully comical-egocentrical tune)

MEM’RIES OF SCRANTON (1988): http://wp.me/pzvIo-9h
(A country-tinged, comical tune about family travels)

MICHAEL, ROW (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-65
(An environmentally conscious song parody)

MONSTERS OF THE WORLD (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-67
(A political song, both serious and ambivalent. Oh joy.)

MOOSE YOU AROUND (1985):
(see listing under The Antlers are Blowing in the Wind)

THE MOST OFFENSIVE SONG EVER WRITTEN (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-7G
(No, really, it’s vile. I dare you…)

MY BLUES (1979): https://wp.me/pzvIo-fd
(A disease parody from my diseased mind)

MY DOGGY’S CHRISTMAS GIFT (2004): http://wp.me/pzvIo-51
(A comical tune about how to keep your pet happy during the holidays)

MY FOOT (aka Happy Foot Song) (1990): http://wp.me/pzvIo-7C
(A comical marching tune about our neglected tootsies)

MY LADY’S A WILD BUZZARD (1979): https://wp.me/pzvIo-f5
(A tender parodic ballad extolling the behavior of a harridan)

NADINE (written by Scott Rodolitz, Jay Auerfeld & Kevin Gerber; 1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-dA
(A doo-wop number about teenage love…from behind)

NAPERVILLE (1989): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1V
(A comical tribute to a somewhat underrated Chicago suburb)

THE NIPPLE SONG (1980): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6s
(A celebration of all things nipular)

NIRVANITY (2002): http://wp.me/pzvIo-54
(A parody with all apologies to the late Kurt Cobain)

NOT A FRIEND (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6y
(A serious tune about the limits of platonics)

NOT THE CLAM BAR (1983): http://wp.me/pzvIo-da
(A Clash parody that chooses pastrami over prawns)

NOTHING IN THIS WORLD (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6C
(A seriously depressing song about about muddling through the mundane)

O THURM (a.k.a. THURMAN MUNSON) (1980): https://wp.me/pzvIo-gW
(A Dylanesque tribute, of sorts, to a ballplayer’s demise)

OFF COLOUR (2018): https://wp.me/pzvIo-gm
(A parody song for, and about, young and old)

OH CUM ALL YOU FAITHFUL
(see listing under THE TWELVE PERVERSIONS OF CHRISTMAS)

OH DAT BEN (2015): http://wp.me/pzvIo-56
(A wry tribute to the early years of presidential candidate Ben Carson)

OH, MY LOVE (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-61
(A serious love song from a long time back)

ORGY BOY (1987): http://wp.me/pzvIo-22
(A joyfully depraved comic tune about naughty activities)

OY OY (2015, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-58
(A not-so-traditional Jewish hand-clapping song)

PHOENIX ENVY (2004): https://wp.me/pzvIo-fU
(A song for when Glen Campbell was more naughty than tragic)

PISHES SWEETER THAN WINE (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5a
(A parody song about the fountain of aging)

THE PITY ME I’M POLISH POLKA (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5d
(Well, at least it’s not an oberek)

PSYCHO BLUES (2006): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1C
(A darkly comic tune about the activities of a psychopath. Not autobiographical)

PUBIC HAIR (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8M
(An ode to our nether feathers)

RABBI PEARL’S LAMENT (aka “The Schvartze Rubbed My Shmekel”) (1987, co-author Jeff Rothstein): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6G
(A comical cautionary tale for a man of soiled cloth)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTIONS THEME (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5h
(How the good Rabbi opens his sermons)

RAIN ON THE BORDERLINE (1986): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6K
(A bit of unhappiness, in serious song form)

THE RECTUM OF EDMUND FITZGERALD (2004): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5l
(With apologies to Gordon Lightfoot and a lot of dead sailors, a dark parody tune inspired by a true Long Island travesty)

RING MY BELL (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-94
(A joyful number in Wild Man Fischer style)

SANDY DUNCAN’S EYE (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5x
(a rhythmic and visionary tribute)

SANTA QUITS (2012): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6h
(a mashup piece, in Buchanan & Goodman style, using short samples from other artists).

SANTASIA (2004): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6m
(a not-safe-for-the-north-pole holiday poem about Santa’s depravity)

SEAMUS THE URINE MAN (1998): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6p
(An Irish tune, based on the true story of a Dublin shop owner with a unique bouquet)

SERVE SOMEBODY (1980): https://wp.me/pzvIo-gZ
(A parody tune ruing Bob Dylan’s stillborn again period)

SEW BUTTONS (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8Y
(A bit of pure absurdist whimsy, with sprinkle of Wild Man Fischer)

SEX WITH A CHICKEN (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-9R
(A comical song for the bestial years of our lives)

SHAKING LIKE A MONKEY (1992): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1Q
(an absurdly happy comic tune about, well, doing the title)

SHEEP ARE MOIST (1982): http://wp.me/pzvIo-7J
(A comical, country-folk number that became the anthem of the band I was in at the time, The Moist Sheep)

THE SHIT SONG (2012, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6X
(A comic ditty about world religions penned for the stage play, Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon)

SNIPER’S LULLABY (2002): http://wp.me/pzvIo-aE
(Written for my radio show, a song–to the tune of “Hobo’s Lullaby”–to celebrate the capture of the Beltway snipers)

STUCK INSIDE OF HEWLETT WITH THE BROOKLYN BLUES AGAIN (1979): https://wp.me/pzvIo-fp
(A parody, of course, about rampant corruption, of course)

SUGAR, SPICE, AND A VERY SHARP AXE (co-author, Scott Rodolitz; 1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-dh
(Lizzie Borden has nothing on this girl)

SWIMAWAY (2005): http://wp.me/pzvIo-ax
(A parody song inspired by the 2004 Indonesian tsunami, yet another iteration of “Mbube/Wimoweh/The Lion Sleeps Tonight)”

TAKE YOUR UNDEROOS DOWN (The Rolf Harris Song) (2014): http://wp.me/pzvIo-7w
(A Rolf Harris parody…and pillory)

TEN MORAY EELS (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8B
(A strange poetic chant for those who find the little Indians too un-P.C.)

THAT SONG ABOUT THE LADY OF THE BOWERY: https://wp.me/pzvIo-gP
(Ah, when love is blind, deaf, and impervious to odor)

THE SCHVARTZE RUBBED MY SHMEKEL
(see listing under RABBI PEARL’S LAMENT)

THEN YOU’RE JEWISH (2012, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-73
(A comic ditty about modern Jewish life. The song is performed in the first act of the stage play, Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon)

THIS ONE’S FOR YOU (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5j
(The second — yes, second — song I wrote about enemas…and hopefully not the last)

TOILET PLUME (2020): https://wp.me/pzvIo-Kg

(A parody song about toilet etiquette penned during the COVID-19 crisis)

THE TRICKLE-DOWN LULLABY (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-2a
(A darkly satirical number about a desperate man. The piece was written with stage directions and can be performed as a brief one-act solo)

THE TWELVE PERVERSIONS OF CHRISTMAS (aka “Oh Cum All Ye Faithful”) (1979, co-author: Scott Rodolitz): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6O
(The melody is traditional the exploits are not)

THURMAN MUNSON
(see listing under “O THURM”)

TUMOR IN MY HEAD (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8a
(A jaunty, non-autobiographical tune)

VEGETABLES ARE BAD FOR YOU (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-7L
(A comical country song about mercy killin’. Yee haw)

WAKKA WAKKA BOOM BOOM PIG (2001): http://wp.me/pzvIo-9o
(Penned in Italy and dedicated to the man selling splat pigs there)

WALK ON THE WEIRD SIDE (1980): http://wp.me/pzvIo-do
(And you thought Lou Reed was kinky?)

WHAT AM I? (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8j
(A joyful song of the self)

WHEN I’M NINETY-THREE (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-dq
(A parodic ode to decrepitude)

THE WHITE JEW BLUES (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-7S
(Kind of an “oy is me” song for members of the tribe)

THE WORST SONG EVER WRITTEN (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-7y
(A love song utilizing every possible cliche and groaner rhyme. Someone should sing it through a megaphone)

YESHIVA BOY (2011, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5U
(A bouncy Bob Seger parody that served as the opening number of Shalom Dammit!)

YAYS AND BOOZE (1979): https://wp.me/pzvIo-fi
(A parody ballad with a rather startling blood-alcohol content)

YOU DON’T GET ME HIGH (1980): https://wp.me/pzvIo-eO
(A song parody about love gone up in smoke)

YOUR MEAT’S TOO BIG (2008): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5A
(In Fats Waller parodies, size matters)

INDEX TO NON-FICTION/ESSAYS

by David Lefkowitz

The Season on and Off Broadway (1998-1999)
(Overview of the New York theater season)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Gr
(Published in Theater Yearbook: The Best Plays of 1998-1999, Limelight Editions, 1999)

The Season on and Off Broadway (1997-1998)
(Overview of the New York theater season)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-JD
(Published in Theater Yearbook: The Best Plays of 1997-1998, Limelight Editions, 1998)

The Season on and Off Broadway (1996-1997)
(Overview of the New York theater season)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Gl
(Published in Theater Yearbook: The Best Plays of 1996-1997, Limelight Editions, 1997)

Thanks for Reminding Us: We Must Remember This?
(Overview of a video series about “The Greatest Television News Stories of All Time”)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-I0
(Published in Playboy magazine, Feb. 1990)

A Dramatic Event that Happened this Summer Involving Myself and an Unpleasant Fat Woman
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Kl
(unpublished; written for NYU Dramatic Writing course, Sept. 1984)

Review: Imagine
(Album review of John Lennon’s Imagine)
https://wp.me/pzvIo-Hz
(first published in The Literary Underground, Dec. 1980)

NOTE: Also see Theater Reviews and Feature Stories in separate sections

INDEX TO NON-FICTION/ESSAYS: https://wp.me/pzvIo-FO

INDEX: TV/Video/Radio

TV/VIDEO/RADIO INDEX: Teleplays

by David Lefkowitz

MUDDY

1983 (short comedy. Synopsis: A spoof of Paddy Chayefsky’s Marty, wherein (ugly) boy meets (homely) girl)

https://wp.me/pzvIo-Ha

REAL TO REEL

1983 (short comic radio play. Synopsis: Unscrupulous TV reporter covers a fire)

https://wp.me/pzvIo-HL

UP WITH THE JONESES

1985 (short screenplay. Synopsis: A perfect American family has its Walpurgistag)

https://wp.me/pzvIo-Id

INDEX: Plays – Full-Length

by David Lefkowitz

 

(The One and Only) BASKET EDDIE (drama, 1985)

https://wp.me/pzvIo-Fs

 

KANDIDE (tragicomedy)

https://wp.me/pzvIo-F

 

THE TRIPLE WEDDING (farce)

https://wp.me/pzvIo-o

 

Index to Full-Length Plays: https://wp.me/pzvIo-FI

HUMOROUS POEMS

by David Lefkowitz

Sept. 2018: Colorado Limericks of the Damned
https://wp.me/pzvIo-hd

Jan. 2016: Lech Mipo
https://wp.me/pzvIo-8h

Jan. 2013: Rabbi Lacey
https://wp.me/pzvIo-8o

Jan. 1991: JoAnne Worley, Bea Arthur, and Me
https://wp.me/pzvIo-24

POETRY INDEX: https://wp.me/pzvIo-ts

COLORADO LIMERICKS OF THE DAMNED

A pervert from East Colorado
Was bursting with shameless bravado
He said, “I take all,
Whether tiny or tall.”
I said, “What goes with me?” He said, “Sodo.”

An old diabetic from Akron
was hungry and went on a snack run
While buying his breadsticks
He spied two well-fed chicks
And said, “You look sweeter than sacc’run!”

At a Japanese restaurant in Alamosa
A girl with anorexia nervosa
Was swallowing oodles
Of pukeable noodles
But choked to death on a gyoza

A vicious young psycho from Ames 
Keeps lists of his poor victims’ names
The girls who are dead
He highlights in red
And circles the ones he just maims

While traveling through Antonito
I met a strange fella named Vito
His extra-large foreskin
Kept adding on more skin
And looked like a giant burrito

The sweet little town of Arboles
Has 200 perverts—and no less
They sit in the shade
and drink lemonade
and shove dildos in their cornholes.

A handsome young man from Arriba
Was hung like a baby amoeba
Despite his small cock
The girls would still flock:
He told them he was Justin Bieba

A virginal child in Arvada
Woke up one fine day with stigmata
She bled from her fists
Her tits and her wrists;
She looked like a squashed enchilada

A wizened old floozy from Aspen
Whose voice is all throaty and raspin’
Blames African guys
And their punishing size
For leaving her gaggin’ and gaspin’

A creepy eccentric named Walt
Once murdered a waitress in Ault
He sautéed her brains
And all her remains
In garlic, cilantro, and salt

A troubled young Jewess named Norah
Attended a shul in Aurora
She tied up the Rabbi
The Cantor and Gabbai
And sodomized them with a torah

An unlucky farmgirl from Avon
Was humming her favorite song, “Rave On”
She fell in a pit
Of animal shit
And that’s what the town built her grave on

There is a young woman in Baca
Who shits and then eats her own caca
What she can’t digest
She drools down her chest
Till excrement covers each knocka

There was a young man from Basalt
Who kept jars of pee in a vault
And when he’d feel tender
He’d whip out a blender
And drink all his piss in a malt

A gifted soul singer from Bayfield
Was beaten to death in a hayfield
His gasping and groans
His hollers and moans
Made me think of a young Curtis Mayfield

A brutal young rapist from Bedrock
Tried putting a girl in a headlock
She broke from his grip
And bit off the tip
He lived, but he now has a deadcock

A fat politician from Bennett
Was fucking his labrador when it
Jumped up with a shriek
And bit off his cheek
And made him the talk of the Senate

There was a young girl from Bent County
Who fucked a Canadian mountie
When they’d kiss and pet
He’d get her so wet
She needed to mop up with Bounty.

There’s a casket in a graveyard in Berthoud
And I asked two young men to unearth it
For inside that chest
Lay the girl I loved best
Wasn’t easy to fuck her, but worth it.

A bawdy old bitch from Bethune
Would rise from her mattress at noon
“My husband,” she’d grin,
“is ugly as sin.
Thank goodness, he’s hung like a coon.”

A randy young Negro from Black Hawk
Would shock all the girls with his smack talk
They thought him deranged
but their attitude changed
When he filled them all up with his black-cawk

I had an ex-girlfriend in Blanca
Who’d bathe in a tub full of Sanka
When she would emerge
I’d get a strong urge
To bend her ass over and spanca

A husky young man from Bonanza
Has muscles just like Tony Danza
But half of his face
Is being replaced
`Cause he’s got malignant skin canza

There was a young lady from Bond
of whom all the bachelors were fond
For when she would flirt
She’d pull up her skirt
and prove she was truly a blonde

There was a young lady from Boone
Who kept Cheerios in her poon
When she wasn’t fucking
She’d spend her time plucking
The cereal out with a spoon

A brutal young fella from Boulder
Once tied up his girlfriend and told her
“I’ll spread your legs wide
Push my fist inside
and slide my arm up to the shoulder.”

One thing I would never have reckoned is
How weird is that geezer in Breckenridge
He hides his wife’s hair
In an old Frigidaire
And keeps both her legs in a second fridge

A pedophile vicar from Brighton
Found altar boys very excitin’
It felt so intense
When they’d swing their incense
The rim of his asshole would tighten

A tender young lady from Brush
Would turn all the men into mush
They’d start in one hole
But then lose control
And slide halfway into her tush

For raping a girl and her sista
A pedophile from Buena Vista
Was thrown into Rikers
With big, hairy bikers
And now he takes dicks up his keesta

Although she’s a homely old crone
I still see this girl from Cahone
She’s wild and she’s flexible
utterly sexable
bouncing like mad on my bone

The orchestra in Castle Rock
Plays naked, but please, do not mock
The drummer is cute
And the guy on the flute
plays first xylophone with his cock

Don’t pity that pervy millennial
Who’s now doing time in Centennial
`Cause he stuck his noodle
Into his pet poodle
And sodomized his cocker spenniel

A frustrated fellow from Center
Whose girlfriend would not let him enter
One day with a grin
Just bashed her face in
And laughed at her just to torment `er

How sad was that man from Cheraw
Whose left hand was merely a claw
His only girlfriend
Met a terrible end;
He hiccuped unhooking her bra

I know a young athlete from Clifton
who damaged herself while weightliftin’
She can’t take a shit
Without pain in her clit
and both of her ovaries shiftin’

Each evening the women of Climax
Who suffer from horribly dry cracks
Will all share a tube
of vaginal lube
and watch Mamma Mia! on Imax

A hooker from Colorado Springs
Was paid to do acrobatic things
But she was so rough
The men screamed, “Enough!”
And most of them left her in slings

Oh how they respect Rabbi Shlomo
Who runs a big temple in Como
He has a nice life
Six kids and a wife
But everyone knows he’s a homo

A curious girl from Cortez
Suspected she might be a lez
She slept with one whore
Then twenty-five more
And now she’s got chronic herpez

A lady in East Cotopaxi
Was raped in the back of a taxi
They tracked down the demon
by finding his semen
Dried up on her pad that was maxi

One morning a fellow from Craig
Found scabies all over his leg
He spent all day long
Inspecting his dong
And checking his foreskin for smeg

Un hombre muy mal en Crystola
Shot poor Pedro with his pistola
The bullet was thick
and lodged in his dick
and made him bleed from his pisshola

How proper, how tender, how cute
Was that damsel from old Crested Butte
Who knew that beneath
Her gold hair and white teeth
Lay the heart of a sick prostitutte?

A pregnant young woman from Cripple Creek
Was attacked by a crow with a triple beak
He pecked at her chest
And gnawed at her breast
Till one of her tits sprang a nipple leak

A kind-hearted whore from Dacono
Would offer her Fridays pro bono
She’d not charge a nickel
To slap, tease, and tickle
Though fucking her ass was a no-no

Oh, how all the boys yearned to neck
With lovely Denise from De Becque
The losers brought candy
and roses and brandy
The winners just gave her a check

Beware the young women of Deckers
For they are a pack of home wreckers
Again and again
They steal married men
who are willingly led by their peckers.

A troubled young girl from Del Norte
Found foreplay was just not her forte
The boy she held dear
left her with a sneer
and a child that she had to aborte

There was a young woman from Delhi
Who kept M&Ms in her belly
The men found it yummy
to eat from her tummy
Who cared that her pussy was smelly?

The last time I visited Delta
I grabbed a young lady and felta
She got so irate
and in such a state
It caused me to haul off and belta

How bittersweet `tis to remember
The girl that I dated in Denver
We met in the spring
And had quite a fling
Too bad she was dead by December

I once had a hooker in Dillon
who said, “Boy, my pussy needs fillin’!
So whip out your dick
and jump on me quick
When I lift my legs, you start drillin’!”

A tender young hooker from Dinosaur
Says too much sex makes her vagina sore
Still eager to please
She’ll drop to her knees
For oral, you won’t find a finer whore

One evening while dancing the tango
With Dora, a whore from Durango
She shouted and cried
and clutched at her side
Then squatted and shat out a mango

In the Kiowa County of Eads
Lives a man who adores anal beads
The more he inserts
The harder it hurts
And he bleeds and he bleeds and he bleeds

A horny young pervert from Eagle
was busted for banging a beagle
His lawyer said, “Sure,
the act is impure,
but technically not quite illegal.”

A tender young schoolboy from Eaton
Was raped and then horribly beaten
His bruises are healing
Except that he’s dealing
With blood that he can’t stop excretin’

Said Jane to her Mackintosh, “Siri,
Tell me, what are the men like in Erie?”
Said Siri, “They’re gross,
Obese and morose
And the backs of their Hanes are all smeary.”

There was a young woman from Estes
Who’d never let men touch her brestes
If they’d even try
She’d look in their eye
And kick `em real hard in the testes

A crazy musician from Evans
Was singing a song to the heavens
He started off tender
But then grabbed his Fender
And cranked all his amps to elevens

A weary young soldier from Fleming
Was sick of the war’s Us and Them-ing
So rather than kill
He wrote out a will
and leapt from a cliff like a lemming

There was a young girl from Fort Lupton
Who looked like a twin of Kate Upton
Though she was a virgin
The men kept on urgin’
`Cause that bitch was up for corruptin’

There is a young girl in Fort Morgan
Nice bod, but a face like a gorgon
So what I advise
is aim for her thighs
`Cause you got no eyes in your organ

A chubby young lady in Frisco
Would dance every night at the disco
I kidnapped that ho
And rolled her in dough
I’m frying her slowly in Crisco

I daresay there’s no woman cuta
Than Tillie the trollope of Fruita
When she doffs her top
Your eyes cannot stop
Ping ponging from hoota to hoota

I weep for the virgin of Gould
who by a rogue scoundrel was fooled
She slept with the bloke
and when she awoke
Her vulva was covered with mould.

A tremulous virgin named Blanche
was kidnapped from old Highlands Ranch
No, she was not raped
In fact, she escaped
by massively shitting her panch

An evil white slaver named Holden
Once kidnapped a woman from Golden
He mailed her out quickly
But she was so sickly
She died in the box she was sold in

A pedophile priest from Grand Junction
Would prey on the youth sans compunction
Though it was a sin
He could not get it in
For he had erectile dysfunction

I pay a young model from Grover
To pose naked with my Range Rover
She looks really good
stretched out on the hood
but oh so much better bent over

There was a young woman from Hasty
Whose skin was all pimply and pasty
Yet time and again
She’d please the same men
`cause goddamn, her pussy was tasty

Last weekend I drove up to Hayden
And there I seduced a fair maiden
Although it’s a rental
I’m so sentimental
I’m keeping the car she got laid in

There is a young woman in Holly
Who’s deeply addicted to Molly
If you have a stash
She’ll give you her cash
And suck on your dick like a lolly

A black college student from Hooper
Was stopped on the road by a trooper
Who treated him rough
And put him in cuffs
and jammed a baton in his pooper

They arrested a fellow from Hotchkiss
`cause there was a girl he would watch piss
He thought he was flirting
that time she was squirting
and he pulled her down for a crotch kiss

The wonderful thing about Hoyt is
It’s just as perverse as Detroit is
There’s threesomes, and four
And orgies galore
The place is a cauldron of coitis

If you’re looking for somewhere fun to go
Then why not vacation in Hugo?
There’s golf and martinis
And girls in bikinis
And clubs where they won’t let a Jew go

How gaily the heart in me sings
For Ida of Idaho Springs
So gentle and pure
So sweet and demure;
I make her do terrible things.

A plucky young lady named Keeley
Would give up her cherry quite freely
But men that she chose
All quivered and froze
`cause her pussy smelled worse than East Greeley
The twat of a woman from Gunnison
Is tight, but a frightfully runny one.
Her hole is so juicy
you’ll drown in her puicy
So don’t go all up in her cunny, son.

A serial killer from Kersey
Whose victims begged vainly for mersey
Said, “Yes, you will suffer,
but it could be rougher;
at least you don’t live in New Jersey.”

A clever young lady from Kim
Would go every day to the gym
And then for an hour
She’d stand in the shower
To get the stench out of her quim

There was a young hooker from Lakewood
Who wasn’t so cute but could fake good
Why, every last wimp
no matter how limp
would watch her performance and make wood

The best thing about Lafayette
is a musical girl named Babette
She’ll pound on your bum
Like beating a drum
And boy, can she play clarinet

If you ever visit Last Chance
Be sure that you know how to dance
One fellow who stumbled
Was so badly humbled
The dumb S.O.B. shit his pance

There once was a small town named Lay
What else could I possibly say?

Oh, pity that hooker in Lincoln
Whose business is rapidly shrinkin’
Her face is still fair
and she has a nice pair
But her pussy is dried up and stinkin’

Three fine violinists from Littleton
Were having a bit too much fiddle fun
To help with these chores
they hired three whores
And viciously gang-raped the middle one

A plucky coal miner from Loveland
Became quite the pervert above land
He’d stuff lumps of coal
Into his asshole
And jerk himself off with his glove hand

A handsome young fellow named Jack
deflowered a blind girl from Mack
She said, “I’m not sure
if you’re rich or you’re poor,
but judging by that thing, you’re black!”

I know a cute girl from Manassa
So smart that she got into Vassar
She needn’t do work
`Cause she knows how to jerk
And there isn’t a prof who won’t pass `er

A weightlifting wonder from Marble
Put 600 pounds on his barbell
When hoisting that mass
He ruptured his ass
He’s fine, but the cleanup was hor’ble.

A randy old hooker from Mead
Was very proficient indeed
For she could devour
Twelve clients an hour
And swallow a gallon of seed

A cancer researcher from Meeker
Is also the town’s best-known streaker
He keeps his vaccines
At home in his jeans
But guess where he carries his beaker?

A vain Casanova named Nino
Came to a bad end in Marino
One flick of the knife
did not take his life
But was he still able to pee? No.

The jovial mayor of Minturn
Would help the townspeople and, in turn,
they’d vote for the guy
and turn a blind eye
Whenever he’d rape a male intern.

A naughty young singer from Mosca
Tried out for the film role of Tosca
Her acting was tame
Her singing was lame
`Twas blowjobs that won her the Osca.

A sensual hooker from Norwood
Earns more than your commonplace whore would
She hugs and she squeezes
and torments and teases
And gets all the men to make more wood

Oh how all the bachelors would shun
That portly old lady from Nunn
She’d sit on their laps
And take mighty craps
That weighed a proverbial ton

A giddy young pervert from Ouray
Loved watching gay porn on his Blu-ray
He’d sit on his thumb
`til actors would cum
Then wiggle it `round and shout, “Hooray!”

If you’re ever in Palisade
Be warned if you go to get laid
The girls aren’t nice
and they’re crawling with lice
So carry a big can of Raid.

A militant Negro from Parker
Said, “Man, I sure wish I was darker!”
That son of a bitch
Turned darker than pitch
With the help of a black magic marker

There is a young woman from Parlin
That all the men want to call darlin’
But when she gets close
They realize she’s gross:
her pussy smells like a dead marlin

An elegant lady from Peetz
Can do quite remarkable feats
Like strike a long match
On the lips of her snatch
And shoot gasoline from her teats

There is an old woman in Pierce
who likes to be fucked fast and fierce
Although she’s near 80
This dirty old lady
Can still lift her knees past her ears

I’ll never forget the four hours
I spent in the County of Prowers
I hired three whores
to pull down their drawers
and drench me with warm golden showers

They cheered that young singer from Radium
Last week when she played the Palladium
She did a wild dance
Then whipped off her pants
and fucked everyone in the stadium

I once knew a fellow from Rand
whose sex life was boring and bland
He’d strip to begin it
and pump for a minute
then finish the job with his hand

A miserable sailor from Routt
was riddled with cancer and gout
The last time he sailed
He wept and he wailed
and he flopped on the deck like a trout

A half-blinded hooker from Rye
Let customers cum in her eye
And though it sounds funny
To make extra money
She’d go into sperm banks and cry

I know a young lady named Ida
Who works on a farm in Salida
When she gets done mowing
She’d gives me some blowing
And lets me go halfway insida

A plucky young lady from Severance
Inspires a great deal of reverence
If you have a dick
That’s enormous and thick
She’ll take it all in and she’ll never wince

A succulent lady from Silt
Was physically perfectly built
For even the strongest
The widest and longest
Could stick it in up to the hilt

A slutty young lady from Snyder
Put 31 dildos insider
“I coulda done more,”
Said the talented whore
“If only my cervix were wider.”

I once knew a girl in Superior
whose outlook could not have been drearier
I hooked her on meth
and now she’s near death
But damned if she isn’t much cheerier

There is a young lady in Swink
Whose pussy is perfectly pink
But if you get closer
You best hold your nose, sir,
`cause, boy, does it give off a stink

There is a young lady in Teller
As blind as a young Helen Keller
When she steps in poo
It stays on her shoe
Till half of the county can smell’er.

A lesbian lady from Timnath
Was bicycling home on a dim path
Another young dyke
Came by on a bike
So they gave each other a quim bath

A corpulent tranny from Trinidad
Was desp’rate to look like a skinny lad
She pushed all her fat
Through the folds of her twat
And gathered it up in a minipad

A cheerful young psycho named Dale
Dismembered a woman in Vail
He stifled a grin
As he tore off her skin
And stuffed all her guts in a pail

I met a young lady from Victor
As pretty, she was, as a picter
And though she was cute
Her dad was a brute
Who spat on her twat when he licter

A sexy young lady from Vona
Would give all the fellas a bona
For 25 bucks
She’d ride the old fucks
And let them bust in her vajona

A troubled young woman from Ward
was so unbelievably bored
when she birthed her daughter
she drowned her in water
and ate the umbilical cord

There was a young woman in Wolcott
Who dated the dictator Pol Pot
She said, “He’s a brute
And not at all cute
But powerful men make my hole hot.”

A girl down in old Woodland Park
Had a swim at the zoo after dark
So free and bucolic,
Her dolphin-filled frolic!
That is, till she met Mr. Shark

A born-again Christian from Wray
Would wake up each morning and pray,
“Lord, thanks for my life,
My children, and wife.”
“Oh bullshit,” God told him, “You’re gay!”

A naughty old woman from Yampa
Kept vaginal lube in her hamper
She had to confess
Her clothes were a mess
But she sure fucked the hell outta grampa

A crazy zookeeper from Yuma
Had sex with a three-year-old puma
When he was asked why
He started to cry
And blamed it all on his brain tuma

There was a young woman from the statutory town of Log Lake Village
She died.

THE END

©2018-2020 David Lefkowitz

*********
NOTES & BACKSTORY: 
[March 2020] I had lived all my life in New York, but when my wife got a professorial teaching gig in Northern Colorado in 2009, off we went. Colorado’s a pretty great place, and I often miss it. While still living there, and for no particular reason, a couple of limericks came into my head about towns in Colorado. Before I knew it, I kept adding more and more until (as of this writing in March 2020), I had nearly 100 and counting.
Being limericks, they’re as rude and bawdy as possible, and being mine, they’re sick and disgusting whenever possible. Since April 2018, I’ve been reciting one per week on my podcast, Dave’s Gone By, advising listeners to get their children out of the room, or, if necessary, kill them, before their little minds are warped by these per-verses.

© 2020 David Lefkowitz. Sung to the melody of Amilcare Ponchielli’s “Dance of the Hours” and Allan Sherman’s “Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh (A Letter from Camp).” The song debuted on the Aug. 29, 2020 episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By.

To hear Dave perform the song:  http://davesgoneby.net/?p=24510

HELLO COVID (A Letter from Cramps)

Hello Muddah
Hello Fadduh
Things are weird at
Camp Grenada

It is quite a
strange community
As we try to give each other herd immunity

Different cultures
different races
spitting into
each other’s faces

Every time that
someone sneezes
We get close so we can catch all their diseases

In the mess hall
they serve taters
which are kept near
ventilators

Sharing napkins
and toothbrushes
and the paper that we use to wipe our tushes

Now the kitchen
was inspected
To make sure the
food’s infected

You remember
Andy Cyrus
He went home and killed his grandma with the virus

Make me sick
Oh muddah fadduh
Do it quick
So notanotha day goes by
where I am in this place
of kids all coughing in my face

Say you will
Oh muddah fadduh
Make me ill
At Camp Grenada
Life’s so cruel cuz if my head stays cool
That means I’ll have to go to school.

Now my bunkmate
thinks he’s wiser
He’s been drinking
sanitizer

“Safe than sorry!”
is his credo
So we drool into the cheese in his burrito

Now he’s leaning
on a railing
cause his organs
are all failing

If we lose him
to infection
Maybe I can take his baseball card collection.

All the girls are weaving baskets
to hold onto
In their caskets

They’re such pretty
basket weavers
When their little cheeks turn red from spiking fevers

Wait a minute
no one’s crying
No one’s coughing
No one’s dying

Muddah Fadduh
Soon I’ll see ya
By the way, I got the herp and gonorrhea.

(c)2020 David Lefkowitz

NOTES & BACKSTORY:

[Aug. 2020] Arguably the most known and loved song parody of all time, Allan Sherman’s “Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh” has been a staple of the Dr. Demento radio show since I was in my pre-teens. In fact, I’m pretty sure I once called in on Dr. D’s request line to have it played. Forty-five-plus years later, I penned these lyrics, put them to a karaoke version of the Sherman classic, and sent it off to Dr. Demento (fingers crossed). Here’s the audio: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=24510

If the story makes no sense taken out of context 20 years from now (fingers again crossed), my song was written during the coronavirus pandemic. News stories, probably apocryphal, had parents intentionally bringing their kids together in parties and camps so that they’d transmit a mild version of the disease to each other and thus develop immunity—kind of like what parents did with chicken pox two generations earlier. Since I hated going to camp as a child and camping as an adult, it was hard to resist updating this ode to Camp Grenada. 

FICTION – JOKES: Wretched Puns of Destiny

WRETCHED PUNS OF DESTINY

(c)2020 David Lefkowitz.

#1. OPRAH (aired July 19, 2014 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9741)

If you’ve been to Starbucks recently, you know that Oprah Winfrey has a new line of Chai teas. Well, they’ve been so successful, Oprah goes to her marketing and research-and-development people and asks if they could create more lines of tea that she could brand in the same way.

“I’m glad you asked,” says the head R&D guy. “We’ve been working on this new project that we think is perfect for your brand. It’s a line of tea made from essential fish oils.”

Oprah makes a face. “You’re not serious?”

“No, really! I know how it sounds, but they taste great. They’re healthy, they smell amazing, people get their omega fatty acids – here, just try one!”

So the guy brings out a hot cup of tea. “This is yellowtail. Just taste it.”

Oprah does and gasps, “This is delicious! No bad smell, and it looks lovely. It’s fish oil?”

“Exactly!” laughs the R&D guy. “And we can have whole line of them: Oprah 

Salmon Tea. Oprah Tilapia Tea. Oprah Swordfish Tea. And I haven’t even shown you the best part!”

The guy brings out all these cups of dry tea and gives Oprah a big kettle of hot water.

“Go ahead, pour!” he says.

So Oprah pours boiling water into the first cup. As soon as she does, she hears this loud, incessant, knocking sound. “What’s that?” she laughs.

“That’s the surprise! The tea leaves are so tightly compacted, the second the boiling water hits them, it sets off chemical reactions that make a racket. It’s a great novelty, and you can market it like crazy. Try some more!”

So Oprah pours water onto the Flounder Tea, and she hears, “knock knock knock knock…” She does it on the Monkfish Tea – same thing. Pretty soon there’s a riot of noise as she’s boiling the Mackerel Tea, the Redfish Tea, the Trout Tea . . .

Finally, she gets to the one with tuna fish and pours the water on it, but all she hears is one single “knock.” “Hmm, let me try another one,” she says. So they hand her another cup of the tuna, she pours the water in, but again, just a single “knock.”

“Well, this is incredibly promising,” Oprah raves. “I love the whole line, and I can’t wait to get it going. Of course, you’re gonna have to bring this last one back for more testing.  All the others made so much noise; it’s a shame the tuna is so quiet. Can you fix it?”

The R&D man looks at her aghast and replies, “Oh, heavens no! Oprah Tuna Tea Only Knocks Once!”

*

2. FOOTBALL (aired Aug. 2 2014 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9746)

This huge football fan is excited that the new season is starting soon, so he wants to invite all his buddies for a party on the day of the first game. He heads to the local printing shop and tells the owner he wants to send out invitation cards that would be fun for them to RSVP.

“No problem,” says the shop owner. “We can make the perfect cards. We’ll put the team logos right on the cover and all the information. How do you want the words to look?”

“Well, that’s your department,” says the fan. “I just want something that’s right for sports, guys, football – you know.”

“I know the perfect style,” says the shop guy. “The American Library Association uses a typeface and font that we always use for this kind of invitation.”

The fan says, “Fantastic, go for it! It’s the Broncos vs. the New York Jets. Here’s a list of the Broncos fans I’m inviting, so put their logo on those cards; and here’s a list of the Jets fans. Just make the same exact card, only with the Jet logo, instead.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I can’t do that.”

“What do you mean, you can’t do that?”

“Well, we can do it for the Bronco fans, no problem. But not New York.”

“Why the heck not?” asks the fan.

“Haven’t you ever heard the expression, “An ALA Font, Never For Jets?”

*

3. NERDS (aired Aug. 9, 2014 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9753)


A big event for seniors happens here every year, where all the nursing homes take part in a math-and-science Olympics. On Sunday afternoon, senior residents from all the different nursing homes arrive by bus to the town recreation center to compete for prizes and bragging rights.  The rules are: you have to be really smart, over 85, wear glasses and a pocket protector, and you can’t have more than nine teeth in your head.

Unfortunately, last year it was embarrassing because one of the buses had engine trouble and had to be towed to the location. It took hours, with everybody standing in the parking lot, waiting for the seniors to arrive.

Finally, after two hours, one parking-lot attendant looked down the road and shouted, “Here it Comes! Here Comes Your Nine-Teeth Nerd-Bus Breakdown.”

*

4. NOSE (aired Aug. 30, 2014 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9759)


Years ago, Neil Young visits a tattoo and piercing shop. The girl shows him a case of wearable jewelry. “Wow, those are nice,” he says, pointing to a pair of studs. “I could put one in each ear.”

“No, you can’t do that,” she replies.

“Oh, well, what about this thing?” he says, pointing to an ivory bar. “I could put that in my cheek.”

“No, Mr. Young, that wouldn’t be appropriate, either.”

“Man, this is tough,” Neil Young says. “Okay, how about this ring? It could go on the side of my lip.”

“Absolutely not,” says the girl.

Exasperated, Neil Young throws up his hands. “Miss, you’ve got all this jewelry. You tell me I can’t put it in my ears, my cheek, my lip . . .  Why the heck not?”

“Because, Mr. Young,” she replies, “Everybody Knows This is Nose-Wear.”

*

5. NAZI MUFFINS (aired Sept. 6, 2014 on Dave’s Gone By; http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9763)

At the end of World War II, an English madame sets up a brothel in Berlin, figuring to capitalize on all the western soldiers around. Unfortunately, the Yanks just find local girlfriends, and there are no German men with any money, so the brothel struggles terribly.

Worse, next door, a small German bakery grabs whatever business there is to be had. Desperate, the English madame visits the bakery one morning to see if she can work out some kind of deal.

As soon as she walks in, a blueberry muffin leaps off the oven tray, rolls across the floor, flies under her skirt and bites her on the vagina. The woman screams, and all the workers in the bakery come running.

“That bloody thing just bit me!” she said.

“What are you talking about?”

Before the madame can repeat herself, another muffin leaps off the pan, zips under her skirt and gives her a nip on the cooch.

“Oww! What kind of bakery is this?” the madame screams.

“Go away, old woman!” the workers say.

“Go away? This is dangerous! I’m telling everyone!”

So the madame starts raising a ruckus, people gather in the shop door, and the bakery people try to hustle her out of the shop. But the madame points at them, and she sings, “Come all without! Come all within! Your Nazi Muffins Like to Bite Me Quim!”

*

6. MURPHY (aired Sept. 20, 2014 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9768)

A food writer is compiling a book about the best cups of tea from all over the world. He sends a first draft to his editor, who writes back, “Great job. You’ve been to India, China, Sri Lanka, Russia – but I notice you haven’t been to Australia. You need to go and report on this incredible tea I’ve heard about that’s only served in one tiny shop in the western outback. We can’t do a proper book without it. I’ll extend your deadline, just get there asap.”

So the writer books a plane ticket for Australia where he winds up taking two trains, three puddle-jumpers and a rickshaw before reaching a tiny village. Worried that he’s been sent on a wild goose chase, the writer asks a woman at the local market if she’s heard of this fabled tea shop. “Oh, of course! Best tea in the world.”

“What makes it so special?” asks the writer, grabbing his notebook.

“Well, the shop is owned by Johnny Murphy, this Irish fella who moved here thirty years ago and has been making tea ever since.”

“Fine, but what’s so great about the tea itself?”

“It’s not just the leaves; it’s what happens to them. They grow high on these gum trees. And the koala bears climb all over them and chew on them making them really tender. That’s why no other leaves have their flavor.”

Intrigued, the writer asks the woman for directions to Murphy’s Tea Shop. After a three-mile trek, he arrives at this little hut where a burley, deeply suntanned Irishman stands at the counter.

“A cup of tea, please,” the writer orders.

Murphy nods and sets a kettle on the stove. He then produces a small teacup and a wee bag of brown leaves. He pours two heaping spoonfuls of dry leaves into the cup, and, when the water boils, sloshes the hot water into the tea. “Here you go,” he says, handing the writer the cup and a plain napkin.

The writer looks into the cup but isn’t particularly enthused. Though the beverage smells okay, visually it looks like muddy brown water, with twigs and dirt and dead things floating about. “Whatsamatter?” says the Irishman. “Too strong for ya?”

“No,” says the writer, making a face. “It’s just so unfiltered. Why don’t you use a strainer?”

“Sir,” gasps the owner, affronted. “The Koala Tea of Murphy Cannot Be Strained!”

*

7. LAWN(aired Sept. 27, 2014 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9772

Neighbors are finally getting fed up with the new guy who moved into their suburban town.

Among his many eccentricities, he fertilizes his lawn once a month with raw garlic, which raises a stink that permeates the town for days. Worse, he’s got a brother in and out of jail, and whenever the felon’s on parole, he comes to visit the new guy and camps out on his front lawn in a ratty old tent.

Finally, the block association can take no more and beg the local police chief to arrest their new neighbor. “But on what charges?”, asks the cop. “Using smelly fertilizer and having a guest?”

“Absolutely!” says the neighborhood spokesman. Get him for: “Lawn Odor: Criminal in Tent.”

*

8. TIARA (aired Oct. 11, 2014 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9776

So the March of Dimes is having its annual fundraising push, and they come up with a contest where they get all these famous women in media to help raise money for the cause. The winner, who signs up the most pledges, gets to be that year’s fundraising “queen.” She’s flown to the annual meeting for a big ceremony, gets to wear a tiara, and even has a song written and sung about her.

All these famous women in media compete: Oprah, Ellen, Kathie Lee Gifford, Tina Fey, Diane Sawyer, Katie Couric… And yet, surprisingly enough, the winner is Bloomberg Financial anchor Jane King. So they fly her to the big ceremony, make speeches, she gets to wear the tiara and, best of all, the one and only Bob Dylan is there to perform a song about her. What does he sing?

“Oh the Dimes’ Tiara Jane King . . . ”

*

9. REESE (aired Oct. 18, 2014 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9782)

It’s the last day of a couple’s vacation. Alas, they immediately start to argue over which final tourist attraction to see before making their plane.

The wife says, “I want to see the Botanical Gardens.” 

“Boring!” the husband says. “I want to see the Museum of Celebrity Artifacts.”

“Oh,” that’s just trash,” says the wife. “It’s perfect weather for the gardens. And I want to see the buttercups while they’re in full bloom.” 

“Again, boring!” says the husband. “They’ve got all these curios at the celebrity museum, like Hank Williams’s radio and Marlon Brando’s shoes. And they just got in a cup of Reese Witherspoon’s urine from when she was arrested for drunk driving.” 

The wife huffs, “Are you telling me you’d rather look at Reese Witherspoon’s urine than a flower garden?”

“That’s right,” says the husband. “Reese’s Pee, Not Buttercups!” 

*

10. DOVES (aired Nov. 1, 2014 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9786)

A magician is teaching his new assistant the ropes. He brings her to the back room where she sees three shelves – top, middle, and bottom – each with one live dove on it.

The trainer explains, “I do 20 shows a week, and these are the three birds I use for every show. The top one I call “Befores,” because you show him in the lobby before the performance starts. The middle one I call “Afters,” because you display him when I’m signing autographs after the show. And then the bottom one we use during the show.”

“So do you call him Betweens?” asks the assistant. “Or Middles?”

“No,” says the magician. “I call him Bilbo.”

“Bilbo? If your top dove is called Befores, and your middle dove is called Afters, why is the bottom one that you use during the show called Bilbo?”

“Obvious,” says the magician. “He’s Lower Dove Durings.”

*

11. MURROW (aired Nov. 8, 2014 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9790

Legendary newscaster Edward R. Murrow stops at his favorite New York diner for dinner.  He asks the waiter if there are any specials.

“Well,” says the old man, “it’s Passover, so we’re serving items tailored to our Jewish customers.”

“Like what?”

“Our most popular is matzoh brei, served with an entrée of roast chicken.”

“Sounds good,” says Murrow. “I’ll have it.”

After the Kosher meal, Murrow lays his payment and tip on the table, silently gets up and heads towards the door.

“Mr. Murrow,” the waiter calls after him. “I know you’re a man of few words, but don’t you have anything at all to say about your food?”

The newscaster thinks for a moment. Then, on his way out the door, he says, “good brei and good cluck.”

*

12. COPPOLA (aired Nov. 15, 2014 on Dave’s Gone By; http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9794)

Basking in the success of his “Godfather” films, Francis Ford Coppola books a much-needed vacation to Peru. On his first morning, he visits a llama farm, where he watches the ranchers feed and groom a herd of llamas and alpacas. Immediately, Coppola becomes fascinated by the animals’ eating habits. He gets on the phone to his agent and says, “I know what my next film is gonna be! I’m watching these llamas and the adorable way their faces move when they chew. So I wanna make a nature documentary where all you see are close-ups of their faces and their mouths.”

“Okay,” says the agent, “you’re the genius. But what on earth will you call it?”

Coppola replies, “Alpaca Lips, Now!’”

*

13. OLD TEA (aired Nov. 22, 2014 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9799)

An old Asian tea maker took pride in teaching his culinary students a very special blend of his chai tea. The brew had a strong, delicious taste and an oddly delicate bouquet. No matter how his young students tried, even the best ones could not replicate the brew.

What the teacher couldn’t tell them was the real reason his tea had such a distinct flavor: every morning before school, he would wake up, take a dry loofa and scrape the wrinkly, dead skin off one of his buttocks and into the bag of leaves.

All goes fine until one day, a know-it-all student takes a sip of the old man’s signature tea. “Ugh,” says the boy, “when was this tea made, 1937?”

“What you talk about?” says the teacher, “is fresh, new tea!”

“New? This tastes ancient. I don’t wanna make old tea.”

“Old? Is not old! Made right now!”

“Is not!” counters the boy. “What kind of teacher are you?”

“I good teacher!” the old man yells, “and is new tea!”

“No, it isn’t,” says the boy, “I’m outta here.”

The kid turns to leave, but the teacher grabs him by the collar and hollers, “I good teacher! No Chai Old, Left Behind!”

*

14. TRACY MORGAN (aired Nov. 22, 2014 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9803)

For his work on “30 Rock,” comedian Tracy Morgan was in London to be knighted by the queen. Unfortunately, right after the ceremony, Morgan begins suffering terrible maladies related to his near-fatal car accident.

They bring him to the Royal Hospital where he complains of dizziness and a burning sensation in his left hip.

The doctor examines Morgan for a few minutes and makes some brief notes on a chart, which he hands to the head nurse. But she stops him in the hall. “I’m sorry, doctor, but I don’t understand your notes,” she tells him.

The doctor says, “It’s simple. We put the patient in a spinning centrifuge to counteract his vertigo. Then we drain off some fluid from his hip to ease the inflammation. It’s all there on the chart.”

“Oh, now I get it!” gasps the nurse. “Spin Sir Tracy, and Catheter in Hip Burn.”

15. RESTAURANTS (aired Dec. 6, 2014 on Dave’s Gone By; http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9807)

The head of Milwaukee’s restaurant bureau was in the hospital recovering from a heart attack.

He didn’t mind the downtime until he heard that a big Hollywood movie was coming to town, and he felt awful that he couldn’t escort the stars to the best restaurants the way he usually did. He begged his doctors, “Please, let me bring them to my favorite places!” 

But the doctors said, “No, you’re not ready.” “Please!” he said. “It’s George Clooney, Julia Roberts, Bill Murray, Laura Dern — I’ll sleep the whole rest of the day, just let me do my celebrity restaurant tours; it’s what we’re known for!”

He begged and pleaded until finally, against their better judgment, the doctors gave in and let him take the movie stars to dinner. He took George Clooney to a French bistro. 

He took Julia Roberts to the best Mexican place. He brought Bill Murray to a great burger joint. And everything was fine until the last day, when he collapsed in the delicatessen where he had taken Laura Dern for beer and brats.

The coroner held a press conference, and reporters asked him if the doctors were negligent for allowing the guy to resume the tour. “No, said the coroner, “They checked on him every day, and he was doing great. But then he took a Dern for the wurst.”

*

16. WIG (aired Dec. 13, 2014 on Dave’s Gone By; http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9811)

Shalom, Dammit! this is Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches. I am proud to be an honorary guest reader for The Wretched Pun of Destiny!

In order to combat male-pattern baldness in Jewish men, the United Jewish Appeal recently set up a charity to buy wigs for bald fellows in need. Mendel Horowitz, bald since 30, immediately signs on and waits excitedly for his wig in the mail. When it arrives, he tears open the box but is dismayed to find a ratty, dirty-looking toupee that seems nothing like the smooth, beautiful wigs in the TV ads.

“Maybe it just needs to be washed,” shrugs Mendel. So he runs to the cupboard and grabs Tide laundry detergent, which he sprinkles liberally on the hairpiece. Much to his horror, the wig begins to separate, leaving a gaping hole down the center.

“Gevalt!” cries Mendel. “This is making things worse!”

He flips open the owner’s manual and calls the manufacturer’s 800 number. “Help!” Mendel shrieks into the phone. “I got this UJA wig from tzedakah, but it looked filthy, so I poured detergent on it, and now there’s a giant hole in the middle!”

“Don’t panic,” comes the reply from customer service, “this happens all the time when people use detergent instead of our special solvent. But it’s easy to fix. There’s a chemical in human saliva that pulls the hair together while disbursing the detergent.”

“Saliva?” says Mendel. “You mean I have to lick the wig to get the Tide detergent off? Ugh!”

“Well, you can lick it, or you can just use drool or spit.”

“Oh,” Mendel says, “that’s not so bad.” So he lays the hairpiece out on a table and gets to work. It’s an arduous job, but he makes the time go fast by singing a song he makes up on the spot. It goes: “I’m spittin’ on tzedakah toupee, washing the Tide hole away…”

*

17. TREE HALL (aired Dec. 20, 2014 on Dave’s Gone By; http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9815)

Fighting broke out at the local university’s forestry and conservation wing over – of all things – which tea should be planted in the arboretums of the dormitories.

The students of Flower Hall said, “We’re sick of jasmine tea; we want oolong tea.”

The students of Bush Hall said, “No fair! We want oolong tea.”

The students of Tree Hall said, “No way! We’ve had dibs on oolong since last semester. You take Darjeeling.”

Well, all three halls start yelling and fingerpointing which escalates until punches are thrown, tables get smashed, and soon, there’s a full-fledged riot.

The next morning, the president of the university arrives to survey the damage. She calls all the dormitories together and asks how the trouble started. Immediately, the students from Flower Hall, Bush Hall and Tree Hall start screaming their sides of the story and moving towards another riot.

“Please, please!” cries the president. “Can’t Tree Hall Just Get Oolong?”

*

18. BEACH BOYS (aired Dec. 27, 2014 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9834)

The Beach Boys are flying to a gig when their private jet starts having engine trouble. 

“Grab your parachutes,” says the pilot. “You’re gonna have to jump.”

“Jump?!” The band says. “We don’t know how to do that!”

“It’s easy,” says the pilot. “If you’re nervous, just focus on two things: make believe that you are your favorite Chinese meal, and then encourage your bandmates to be heroic. Here, watch me.”

The pilot opens the hatch and says, “I’m egg foo yung! So long, fearless friends!,” and jumps from the plane.

Al Jardine goes up next, grabs his chute and shouts, “I’m beef with broccoli! Adios, courageous crew!” And he jumps out.

Mike Love walks to the hatch, gulps and says, “I’m spare ribs! Ciao, my bold bold buddies,” as he, too, leaps from the aircraft.

Brian Wilson reaches the door, but he stops. “I can’t do it,” he says to his brothers Dennis and Carl. “You know I’ve got writer’s block. I can’t think of anything!”

Dennis says, “You have to!”

“I can’t,” says Brian. “I’m drawing a blank.”

“Well, if you can’t say it,” says Carl, “try singing it.”

“That’s it!” says Brian Wilson, pulling the ripcord. “I’m Peking Duck, Goodbye Brave Chums!”

*

19. THE WHO (aired Dec. 31, 2014 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9842) 

After the death of drummer Keith Moon, the Who decided to continue as a band, but they also had to figure out how to replace such a beloved and zany character. Since they couldn’t find one person who embodied everything Keith Moon was to the group, they decided on a split; they’d hire a great drummer with no personality, and a lovable mascot for stage shows.

Mascots came from all over to audition: tigers, aliens, pirates, cute sharks, smiley faces – hundreds of people dressed up in costumes hoping for this great touring gig. After many hours, the group made their choice. Because they were embarking on a U.S. tour of the East and Midwest, they picked a Florida manatee, a familiar sight along the eastern seaboard.

Night after night, the band played “Baba O’Reilly,” “My Generation,” and “Pinball Wizard” while the manatee mascot danced and swam in a fake onstage pond. The audience loved every minute, and everything went great until the last show of the tour. The mascot was running late and had to enter the stadium through the crowds waiting at the front. When the impatient patrons heard the Who doing their sound check, people started pushing and shoving to get in. Patrons were getting crushed, asphyxiated, and trampled to death – including the poor mascot.

One reporter who was on the scene cried, “This is terrible! One of the  worst catastrophes in the world! Oh, The Who Manatee!”

*

20. THE BEATLES (aired Jan. 10, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9842) 

During their time in India, the Beatles are sent to a forest by the Maharishi. He instructs the lads to wander through the foliage and collect various foods to create their evening meal, with each Beatle responsible for a different course.

After their pilgrimage, the Fab Four gather in the kitchen of the ashram to share their finds and prepare their dishes. John Lennon goes first and says, “I’ve got all sorts of leaves and carrots and mushrooms, so I’ll prepare an amazing salad.”

Next up, Paul McCartney goes, “I’ve got mushrooms and leeks and all these herbs, so the soup’s on me.”

George Harrison then holds up two rabbits and says, “I caught these guys, and if you share some of your herbs and veggies, we all get a yummy stew for an entrée.”

Meanwhile, in the corner, Ringo is smiling beatifically, holding a basket brimming with marijuana plants. “Good job,” says John. “Nice to have a bit of hemp for an after-dinner smoke. But how does that help us with dessert?”

“I’ll tell you,” says Ringo. “I can make a big pie just by cutting off the top stalks of the plants.”

“Really?” says Paul. “You can bake a whole pastry from the tips of those leaves?”

Ringo replies, “Yes, I Get Pie with a Little Hemp from My Fronds.”

*

21. PRODUCER (aired March 21, 2020 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9854)

A young female screenwriter lucks out and scores a meeting with the biggest producer in Hollywood. Her jealous colleagues don’t warn her, however, that he’s incredibly impatient and quite old-school sexist, and that she shouldn’t be surprised if he shows little interest in plot, character or dialogue but is mainly concerned with the tone and overall milieu of the story’s locations.

So the writer begins the pitch meeting by complimenting the producer on his many awards, but he cuts her off and says, “Skip all that, honey. Just get to the script.”

She starts reading the first page and the character list. “Skip that crap,” says the producer.  “What’s it about?”

Flustered, the actress begins explaining the movie’s synopsis. But 20 seconds in, the producer is at her again. “Skip the plot, sweetheart. They’re all the same; you know that.”

“Well, what about the dialogue? The love story? The action sequences?”

“Boring,” says the producer. “Just tell me about the sense of place.”

“Really?” says the actress. “You want me to ignore everything but the mise-en-scene?”

“Exactly!” says the producer. Or, as he sings: “Skip, Skip, Skip to Milieu, My Darling.”

*

22. BROCCOLI (aired Jan. 25, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9859)

A head of cauliflower and a head of broccoli are strolling through a field when they come upon a herd of donkeys. “Move, please,” says the cauliflower, but the donkeys won’t let them pass.

“Please move!” says the vegetable, a little louder, but again, the rude animals won’t budge.

“Let’s go find the leader,” the cauliflower tells his friend.

So they walk all around the herd until they find the head donkey, who’s obviously the leader because he wears an ermine robe and a crown over his ears. “Your highness,” begs the cauliflower, “we ask that you order your subjects to move!” But the king donkey just brays and completely ignores the intruders.

Fuming, the cauliflower strides up behind the donkey and, with all his might, kicks the mule in his nether parts. The donkey falls to the ground, writhing. At which point, the cauliflower jumps on the animal and beats him senseless. When he’s done, he lifts the crown off the burro’s head and, together, he and the broccoli carry it home as a trophy.

“That was amazing,” the broccoli gasps, “but don’t you think you went too far?”

“Nope,” says the cauliflower. “He was Ass King, Floret.”

*

23. EGYPT (aired Jan. 31, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9863)

An archaeologist doing research in the Egyptian wing of the Metropolitan Museum of Art is strolling back from a break when he notices a beautiful docent giving a tour there. He waits till after her lecture and then says hi.

“Not interested,” she sniffs. “I don’t like science types.”

“But you work in the Temple of Dendur,” says the researcher, “and I heard your shpiel; you know everything about Egyptian art, mummies, burial rites — ”

“That’s just my job,” the woman says. “It means nothing to me.”

“But you’re here all day,” presses the archaeologist. “You have to find the process of these ancient kings being preserved and displayed fascinating, no?”

“Look,” says the woman. “I’m sure you’re a nice guy. But we have nothing in common.”

“On the contrary,” says the man, pointing to a sarcophagus. “We have Tut In Common.”

*

24. SCREENWRITER (aired Feb. 7, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9867)

A big Hollywood producer invites all his colleagues to his house. The occasion is a pre-release party for his latest film, a remake of the sci-fi classic, “Soylent Green.” As the opening credits begin, the screenwriter notices that the title had been changed to “People.”

He jumps out of his chair and yells at the producer, “How could you change the name without my permission?”

The producer says, “Sorry, the studio thought `Soylent Green’ was too obscure, so they made me change it.”

“And you obeyed? You coward!” the writer screams, leaping on the producer and pummeling him with his fists. Terrified, the producer runs up the stairs and dashes into the guest room, but the writer is right behind him. They tussle and eventually fall on the bed, which is piled high with the coats of all the party guests.

Meanwhile, the police are called, and they hurry to the guest room, where they see the producer now has the upper hand. He’s throttling the screenwriter within an inch of his life, and both of them are twisted up in all the coats and jackets on the bed.

“Okay, knock it off!” says the head policeman.

“Where am I?” says the screenwriter.

“You’re in fantasyland if you think you control my movie!”, says the producer.

“Enough!” shouts the policeman, pointing at one and then the other. “You’re Under a Vest. and You Have the Right to Rename Soylent.”

*

25. DISCO (aired Feb. 14, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9873)

Against his better judgment, the warden of a small-town prison lets his most violent offender out early for good behavior. “Johnny,” he says, “my advice to you is leave this town, go the big city, and get yourself a hobby that’ll use up some of that nervous energy that always gets you into trouble.”

“Hobby?” says Johnny with sneer, “like fishing or stamp collecting?”

“Actually, I signed you up for dance lessons,” replies the warden. “You’ve always been light on your feet, and it might help you meet a higher class of people.”

So Johnny moves to the city, takes a menial job, and five times a week he visits the dance studio – loving every minute. He loves the grace, the aerobic workout and especially the costumes. When he does the tango, he gets to wear a hat and vest; when he learns tap, he can wear tap shoes and a bow tie. He even participates in African dance wearing a headdress and a grass skirt.

But a few weeks later, Johnny’s back in prison, possibly for life. The old warden from his hometown calls him saying, “Johnny, I heard you were doing so well with the dancing. What happened?”

Johnny says, “Tango was great, tap was amazing, and the African stuff was the best ever. But disco? You know, they made me wear a girdle to correct my posture for the disco pose. A girdle!”

“And that’s why you stabbed the instructor to death, destroying your new life in the big city? Because of disco dancing?”

“I’m sorry,” says Johnny. “I just couldn’t take the hustle and bustle.”

*

26. AUTOPSY (aired Feb. 21, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9877)

When writer Christopher Hitchens died in 2011, his body was donated for medical research.

Two doctors performing the autopsy were shocked to find just how many tumors he had inside his cancer-ridden body.

“He has a perfectly good liver,” says one doctor. “But the tumor attached to it is massive.”

“So,” says the other doctor, “just cut it with a laser.”

“I can’t. It’ll get too close to living tissue.”

The second doctor says, “Well, what about aspirating it with a needle?”

“No, it’s too dense; it’s a big heap of tumor.”

“Well, in that case, just get a sander. Like taking old paint off a boat. Just sand it down slowly until it’s gone.”

“No,” says the first doctor. “I don’t feel right about doing that.”

“Oh, for Pete’s sake,” says the second doctor. “If you can’t sand the heap, get out of the Hitchens.”

*

27. HURRICANE (aired Feb. 28, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9882)

Shalom, Dammit! this is Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches. Since it is Purim time, I am proud once again to be an honorary guest reader for The Wretched Pun of Destiny:

A terrible hurricane strikes the east coast, doing untold damage to the farmlands. 

Hearing about this, the first Jewish President cuts short her vacation to come survey the destruction.

First, she visits a sugarcane field in Louisiana, where the crop has been depleted by the storm.

“Oy,” she says. Then the she flies up to New York to see a cabbage farm that has been torn to shreds. “Oy,” says the President.

Finally, they drive her to Massachusetts to see the twisted remains of what had been a thriving vineyard. “Oy,” says the president once more.

The next morning at her press conference, a reporter asks, “Madame President, what were your thoughts on seeing what happened to the sugar and the cabbage and the grapes?”

“Well,” comes the reply. “Oy Cane, Oy Slaw, Oy Concord.”

*

28. LUCY (aired March 14, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9888)

Shortly after the end of “I Love Lucy,” Lucille Ball chose to appear in a Broadway musical.

Late in rehearsals, however, she found she was suffering from terrible stage fright and was worried she couldn’t go through with the show. So she visits her doctor and begs for a tranquilizer.

“I’ve got something even better,” the doctor says. “Take two of these every morning, and you’ll be all set. There may be some side effects, but nothing harmful.”

So Lucy thanks him and the next morning, she starts taking the pills. She feels fine, and rehearsal goes great, so she follows the doctor’s regimen. Everything’s perfect until one morning, she takes the pills and finds herself talking in Spanish. It wears off quickly, and rehearsal isn’t affected, but she feels worried.

The next morning, Lucy takes her pills, and during rehearsal, she can barely tear herself away from the orchestra pit, where all she wants to do is play the conga drums. The morning after that, she takes the pills, and the whole day, all she can think about is flying to Cuba.

Finally, the next morning, Lucy hurries back to her physician. “Doc,” she says, “you gotta change these crazy pills!”

“What’s wrong?” he says. “Didn’t they cure your stage fright?”

“Yes,” Lucy says, “but they made me talk Spanish, play conga drums, and obsess about Cuba. You’d think I was my ex-husband!”

“That’s understandable,” says the doctor. “It says right here in the bottle: `May Cause Desiness.’”

*

29. HARRY POTTER (aired March 21, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9894)

On their first trip to America, Harry Potter and Professor Dumbledore pay a visit to The United Nations. Ban-Ki Moon gives them a personal tour, pointing out that every place in the building is named after a previous Secretary General.

“Here’s the Dag Hammarskjold Dining Room,” he tells them, “named after our second Secretary General. And over there is the Boutros Boutros-Gali Ballroom, named after our sixth. And these long corridors are named after U Thant, our third.”

“That’s nice,” says Dumbledore, “but before we forget, we have magical gifts for you as thanks for your hospitality. Show him Harry.”

Harry Potter smiles and points his wand at the dining room shouting, “Silvercadabra!”

There’s a puff of smoke, but nothing actually materializes. Perplexed, Harry tries again.

“Abracadiamond!” He waves his wand at the ballroom, more smoke, but again, no gift. 

“I don’t understand,” he says.

“Try once more,” says Dumbledore, unconcerned. “Hocus Pocus Porcelainus!” Harry shouts.

Again, lots of smoke, but no gift. He starts crying. “I’m so embarrassed,” he tells Moon.

To snap Harry out of it, Dumbledore waves his wand, and who should appear but Woody Allen’s wife, Soon-Yi, dressed in sexy lingerie and rubbing herself lasciviously against the young wizard.

Harry can’t help but smile and say, “Gosh, Professor, thanks. But I still don’t understand why my magic failed.”

“It didn’t,” Dumbledore chortles, pointing to the long corridors. Down one hallway, silver chalices as far as the eye can see. Down another, heaps and heaps of diamond jewelry. Down the third corridor, a treasure trove of fine porcelain china.

“Oh, thank goodness,” says Harry, pulling himself away from the girl. “But how? I pointed my wand at the Hammarskjold room, the Gali room, the Waldheim room, but every time, the stuff appeared only in the corridors. What happened?”

“Simple,” says Dumbledore. “U Thant Hallways Get What You Wand. But If You Cry Sometimes, You Get Hot Soon-Yi’d.”

*

30. HORSE SHOW (aired March 28, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9898) 


Organizers of the National Horse Show are very excited because for this year’s event, They plan to rename all their horses after late-night talk-show hosts. Then they draw lots to see which horse gets which name.

On the day of the race, all the thoroughbreds line up at the starting gate. First out is a middle-aged millionaire on a beautiful stallion. “I have David Letterman!” the rich man shouts as the horse takes off down the field.

Next out the gate is an attractive lady on an Arabian steed. “I have Jimmy Kimmel!” she says and rides off to do show jumping.

Next comes a dashing young owner on a draft horse. “I have Conan O’Brien!” he calls, cantering away. And then come Handler and Colbert and Daly until finally, a 97-year-old woman is at the last gate, sitting on an ancient nag. “He’s Jimmy Fallon,” she rasps, gently striking the horse with her whip. But the animal won’t move. “Come on,” shouts the woman, digging her heels into the horse’s sides, but again, the horse remains still.

The woman tries leaning forward, but she slips and sprawls across the horse’s back. Medics rush over and say, “Are you okay?”

She replies, “I’ve Fallon. And I Can’t Giddyup.”

*

31. CHESS (aired April 4, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9902)


During the Washington DC try-out for the original West Side Story, whenever Stephen Sondheim and Leonard Bernstein faced writers’ block, they’d play chess backstage. Actors, stagehands, and sometimes famous visitors were allowed to kibbitz or even sit in.

One night, playwright Edward Albee is in town, and during intermission, he agrees to a speed-chess game with Sondheim. Meanwhile, Bernstein sits nearby at a piano, trying desperately to come up with a love ballad for act one.

The chess match is even at first, but soon Sondheim gets the upper hand, with Albee swearing under his breath every time he loses a piece. At one point, while protecting his queen, the playwright loses a knight. “Damn,” he says. “Stupid horse.” Two plays later, Sondheim makes a bold move with his rook and takes the other knight. “Damn!” yells Albee. “I can’t believe I lost both of them.”

“That’s it!” shouts Leonard Bernstein at the piano. “Two Knights, Two Knights. Ed Albee Damned Two Knights.”

*

32. UBER (aired April 4, 2015 on Dave’s Gone BY: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9906)

When Uber was in its planning stages, the two founders were still college kids, and they had an even bigger idea than just creating a livery car service. First of all, they wanted all the dispatches coming from one central station, and that station would be located on a blimp hovering over the city like a roaming GPS. Also, the Uber guys wanted the cars to be able to warn drivers if they were approaching a dangerous place. For example, a car in New York would make a deep growl whenever you drove towards a high-crime zone. In the midwest, you’d be warned of an impending dust storm by the car making a loud hissing noise.

“I think we have amazing ideas,” says one Uber dude to the other, “but will anyone listen to us?”

“What do you mean?”

“We’re just a couple of frat boys. How do we get the world to take our ideas seriously?”

“It’s all in the marketing,” says the other. “We tell the truth, but we do it with a catchy slogan.”

“A catchy slogan?” says the friend. “We’re two college kids talking about putting a homing station in a blimp to track limousines that hiss at you in a dust storm. What slogan could we possibly use?”

“Let me think,” says the friend. “Aha! I’ve got it! Uber: One Station, Undergrad, in Dirigible, with Livery and Dust Hiss for All.”

*

33. HANGOVER (aired April 18, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9910)

A guy calls his best friend after overdoing it the night before. He says, “Hey bro, I need one of your patented hangover cures.”

“Sure,” says the friend. “Tell me what you drank, and I’ll tell you what to take.”

So the guy tells him, and the friend says, “No problem. You just need the Fairy Tale Cure.”

“The Fairy Tale Cure? What’s that?”

“You take a thick slice of gouda cheese, and around it you wrap a thin slice of smoked salmon. You eat that, and then you take three aspirin. That’s it.”

“That’s it?” says the guy. “Cheese, salmon, aspirin—great! But why is it called the `Fairy Tale Cure’?”

“Because,” says the friend, “haven’t you ever heard of Gouda, Lox, and the Three Bayers?”

*

34. OPERETTA (aired April 4, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9914)

On a break from shooting his latest film, Sean Penn flies to Hawaii to visit his favorite relatives: two spinster aunts who have lived together for decades.

Not only are they wonderful ladies, but they’ve done well in business together–right out of their basement–by selling authentic Hawaiian foods like macadamia nuts and poi and spam to customers around the world.

When Sean Penn gets to their house, however, he immediately calls the cops because he smells something bad at the front door. The police break in and make the tragic discovery that both women are dead from carbon monoxide poisoning. To get out of the cops’ way, the actor goes down to the basement–but that just makes him even more distraught because all the food there is infested with mice and vermin.

Soon, the CDC arrives, and neighbors are treated to the sight of health inspectors carrying out living and dead mice covered with remnants of Hawaiian food. One neighbor turns to the other and says, “You know, this makes me think of an operetta.”

“An operetta? What on earth are you talking about?”

“Well,” says the first guy. “haven’t you ever heard of `The Poi-Rats of Penn’s Aunts?”

*

35. WEIGHTLIFTER (aired May 9, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9922)

“Doc,” says the professional weightlifter, “ya gotta help me with my problem. Every day, I follow the same routine for lunch and dinner. I eat two bowls of pasta so I can carbo-load, then I pee in a cup for my drug test.”

“Sounds perfectly fine,” says the doctor.

“Wait, this is where it gets weird. As soon as I close the cup, I start having this incredibly hot daydream about that financial woman on TV.”

“Suze Orman?”

“Yeah, her! And before I know it, my knees buckle and my pants get all sticky. It’s killing my energy.”

“Let me get this straight,” says the doctor. “Pasta, pee, Suze Orman fantasy, and then a discharge?”

“Right” says the weightlifter. “Is it serious?”

“Nah,” says the MD. “A lot of musclemen get this. We call it `Larry David Syndrome.’”

“’Larry David Syndrome’? What on earth does it have to do with that guy?”

“Well,” says the doctor, “I guess you’ve never heard of `Carb-Urine-Suzy-Gasm.’”

*

36. SALK (aired May 16, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9927)

One afternoon, early in his career, Jonas Salk is so busy with his medical research that he forgets it’s Valentine’s Day. When a lab technician reminds him, Salk drops everything, runs to his car, and picks up his wife to give her a whirlwind romantic evening.

First, he stops at a florist and buys her a long-stemmed red rose. Then he brings her to an ice-cream parlor and gives her a strawberry cone—her favorite. Finally, he drives her to his lab and exhibits all his petri dishes, telling her, “one day this will change the world!”

His wife hugs him and says, “Jonas, I love you. But I have to say, this was a very unusual Valentine’s itinerary.”

“I know,” smiles the scientist. “I call it my `Spanish dinner plan.”

“Spanish dinner?” says Mrs. Salk. “You gave me a flower, an ice-cream cone, and a vaccine. What does that have to do with Spanish food?”

“Darling,” Salk replies. “Haven’t you ever heard of A Rose Cone Polio?”

*

37. WANG CHOW (aired May 23, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9931)

College student Wang Chow is starting to see his grades slip and his GPA threatened because of his terrible problem with sex addiction. The more he promises to study, the more he finds himself compulsively chasing women, watching porn and giving himself over to pleasures of the flesh.

Ashamed, he confesses to his academic advisor, who suggests that religion might be a solution. Wang Chow tries Buddhism, but that doesn’t work. He then studies to be a Catholic, but no luck there, either. He goes through a half-dozen different religions before turning to Orthodox Judaism. For weeks, Wang Chow concentrates on keeping Kosher, studying Torah, going to synagogue—leaving him no time to sink back into addiction.

However, whenever he gets a few minutes free, Wang Chow still feels urges, so he finds the nearest private place and starts masturbating, several times a day. At first, he keeps his weakness a secret, but he feels so guilty that one day he visits the Rabbi in his study and says, “Rabbi, I no good. I do bad thing.”

“What do you mean?” says the Rebbe. “You’ve so sincere on the road to conversion. What’s wrong?”

Wang Chow whispers his dirty secret. “And you can’t control it?” says the Rabbi. The young man shakes his head.

“Wait,” says the Rebbe. “In the main office I have the book, `Kosher Sex,’ and there’s sure to be a chapter in there that’ll help.”

So the Rabbi excuses himself and heads to the office. After a minute, Wang Chow starts getting antsy. After two minutes, he’s breathing heavily and his heart is pounding. By the third minute, his pants are down around his ankles, and he’s rubbing one out to a poster of Jerusalem.

The Rabbi comes back just in time to see this and says, “Oy! I know you warned me, but this is too much. Even though you follow all our customs, you’re not ready to convert if you’re always doing this!”

“I know,” sobs Wang Chow, “I sorry! I Beat Off More than I Good Jew.”

*

38. HAVEL (aired May 30, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9935)

Before he became president of Czechoslovakia, Vaclav Havel ran a small theater out of a convent in Prague. They had no money, so everything they needed, he had to swap for. If they required furniture for a set, Havel would trade eggs and homegrown produce for the loan of a couch and chairs. If a show needed stagehands, Havel and the sisters would offer to do housecleaning in kind.

Havel became so good at these arrangements, the theater company came out way ahead on every deal. This left him plenty of time not only to write and direct shows, but even create the costumes.

One time, during rehearsals for a Greek tragedy, Havel is backstage fitting the women for masks when in storm the government police to harass him for his political views.

“You can’t arrest him,” cries the Mother Superior. “We need him to run our theater.”

“You’ll just have find someone else,” says the cop.

“There is no one else! He’s the only one.”

“Really?” says the policeman. “The only theater director in Prague. What’s so special about him?”

“Can’t you see?” the woman replies. “He’s a Czech of all trades, and a masker of nuns.”

*

39. SOPRANO. (aired June 6, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9939)

A young singer is becoming the toast of the Metropolitan Opera for her beauty, her acting ability, and especially, her vocal range. She’s a contralto but almost as comfortable in soprano roles—a lucky thing, since she’s just taken on a new opera that makes her hit the D over high C in almost every aria.

After the first performance, however, she feels queasy and suffers cramps. After the second show, she’s nearly doubled over. There’s a two-week break before her next performance, and she feels fine, so she chalks it up to nerves. But as soon as she makes her next appearance, she suffers terrible stomach pain.

The next morning, she hurries to the doctor who takes an x-ray and discovers all these worm-like creatures in her abdomen. He frowns, “I’m afraid you have parasitic eels.”

“What? Eels in my stomach?”

“Yes,” says the MD.

“But I felt fine the last two weeks. It’s only when I’ve been singing . . .”

“Exactly,” says the doctor. “They’re born from vocal strain. And as long as you’re in that opera hitting those high notes, they’ll keep coming back. We call it `Wendy Wasserstein Syndrome.’”

“Really?” says the singer. “Did she have it, too?”

“No, she just inspired it. Haven’t you ever heard of `The High D Chronic Eels?’”

*

40. DAVID CASSIDY (aired June 13, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9945)

During the height of his fame, teen idol David Cassidy is offered every possible permutation of sex, drugs and rock and roll. He indulges in all of these, but marijuana’s a problem. No matter how he tries the herb, be it in a cigarette or a bowl or a brownie, just a little bit of weed makes him dry heave.

He asks his dealer, “Why am I not allergic to any other drug, but marijuana makes me vomit?”

The dealer replies, “I dunno. Must be the TV show you’re on.”

“TV show?” says Cassidy. “What does that have to do with it?”

“Well,” says the dealer. “You are a member of the Pot Retch Family.”

*

41. FISHERMAN (aired June 20, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9949)

The Coast Guard receives a call to intercept a fishing boat off the waters of Maine. When they reach the vessel, they see it’s a small, weatherbeaten craft, yet it’s piled high with Atlantic herring. On board are just a 14-year-old boy and his ancient grandfather.

“Why have you stopped us?” says the boy.

“Overfishing,” the Coast Guard captain says. “You’ve got more than five times the allowable limit for a single trawl.”

“I know,” says the boy. “It’s my grandpa. Once he starts pulling `em out of the ocean, he can’t stop. It’s a compulsion.”

“Well, I’ll just have a word with him,” replies the Captain. “Old man. Do you realize you’re overfishing in these waters?”

“What’s that?” says the grandfather.

“You’re fishing too much. It’s illegal.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t understand,” says the senior.

“I said, you can’t keep stockpiling like this!” shouts the captain.

The old man shrugs uncomprehendingly. The captain says to the boy, “What’s the matter with him? Is he deaf?”

“No,” says the boy, “just Hoard of Herring.”

*

42. MRS. DISNEY (aired June 27, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9953)

This isn’t well known, but one of the many men artist Frida Kahlo dated when she was on the outs with Diego Rivera was Joseph Souter, the father of former Supreme Court Justice David Souter.

At the time, the older Souter was in the cosmetics industry, and he was so besotted with Frida that he designed a whole line of lipsticks after her. They were very high end and subtle in their colors, although customers were warned to be gentle with them because the wax was quite delicate and broke easily.

All is going great until Souter gets a call from none other than Walt Disney—who is not in a good mood. “You idiot!” blasts the animation king. “My wife Lillian wasted hundreds  of dollars on your crappy cosmetics!”

“W-what do you mean?” Souter stammers.

“She bought dozens of your lipsticks because she liked the colors so much, but half of them break the second she touches them, and, well, here, honey, you tell him.” Disney hands the phone to his wife.

“I apologize for my husband’s temper,” begins Lillian, “but this really is embarrassing. When I put your product on my lips, it gives me bad breath!”

“Oh no,” Souter groans. “Mrs. Disney, are you sure about this?”

“I’m afraid so,” she replies. “Your Souter-Kahlo Fragile Lipstick Gives Me Halitosis.”

*

43. DICK VAN DYKE (aired July 4, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9958)

On his first trip to Thailand, Dick Van Dyke goes walking through the streets of Bangkok to take in the sights. He comes to the French quarter and notices all sorts of decorations, such as flowers, hearts and cupids. His translator explains that, just like in America, it’s Valentine’s Day, which is celebrated all over Thailand but especially by the romantic French.

“How nice!” says Dick Van Dyke, who waves at a passerby and says, “Happy Valentine’s Day.”

“Happy co-star!” comes the reply.

Puzzled, the comic actor waves at another stranger and wishes her a happy Valentine’s Day.

“Happy co-star to you!” the woman answers.

Flummoxed, Van Dyke turns to his translator and asks, “What does French Valentine’s Day have to do with my co-star?”

“It’s an abbreviation,” says his companion. “Happy co-star is short for `Merry Thai L’amour.’”

*

44. UPENN (aired July 11, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9963)

The summer before his senior year, a University of Pennsylvania student proposes to his girlfriend. He wants the wedding in Philadelphia, but she demands they get married in Jefferson County because her family, from her great-great-grandfather all the way to her dad, has lived and worked in the coal mines there for generations.

After the ceremony and a little drunk, the guy is driving his bride back towards campus.

Unfortunately, a cop stops him for speeding and weaving a little out of his lane. “Aw, come on, officer,” says the student. “It’s my wedding day.”

“Don’t argue,” says the cop. “You’re speeding and driving under the influence.”

“I may be a little tipsy,” admits the student, “but if you bring this to court, no jury on earth would convict me. I’d even represent myself!”

“Ha!” says the cop. “You’re just a college kid. Studying what, history?”

“Engineering,” comes the reply.

“So you’re an engineer, and you’re gonna defend yourself in court?”

“That’s right,” says the student. “Engineering is my major. But thanks to her dad, now I have a Miner In-Law.”

*

44. UPENN (aired July 11, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9963)

The summer before his senior year, a University of Pennsylvania student proposes to his girlfriend. He wants the wedding in Philadelphia, but she demands they get married in Jefferson County because her family, from her great-great-grandfather all the way to her dad, has lived and worked in the coal mines there for generations.

After the ceremony and a little drunk, the guy is driving his bride back towards campus.

Unfortunately, a cop stops him for speeding and weaving a little out of his lane. “Aw, come on, officer,” says the student. “It’s my wedding day.”

“Don’t argue,” says the cop. “You’re speeding and driving under the influence.”

“I may be a little tipsy,” admits the student, “but if you bring this to court, no jury on earth would convict me. I’d even represent myself!”

“Ha!” says the cop. “You’re just a college kid. Studying what, history?”

“Engineering,” comes the reply.

“So you’re an engineer, and you’re gonna defend yourself in court?”

“That’s right,” says the student. “Engineering is my major. But thanks to her dad, now I have a Miner In-Law.”

*

45. PICNIC (aired July 18, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9967)

Scandal erupted at this year’s town picnic when a two-man team was caught cheating during the three-legged race. It seemed the runners, who won the race, used an artificial, retractable fourth appendage which, literally, gave them a leg up on the competition.

Cameras caught the chicanery, however, and the judges called the men to an urgent meeting.

“Nowhere in the rules does it say,” said the men, “that we can’t use an extra limb.”

The judges harrumphed, “That’s ridiculous! The whole idea of a three-legged race is to use only three legs. Give back the trophy!”

“You mean we’re disqualified?” came the reply.

“Of course,” said the judges, “you Four-Footed.”

*

46. SURGEON (aired July 25, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9971)

A surgeon is being considered for a major position at a hospital. He tells the board his specialty is curing various forms of hepatitis.

“How do you do it?” they ask.

“I have two methods,” the doctor says. “If the disease hasn’t spread much, I open the patient up, and I use a piece of volcanic rock to sand down parts of the liver, while leaving the healthy tissue to heal.”

“Sounds fascinating,” says the board. “But what about when the organ is unsalvageable?”

“Then I operate,” the doctor replies, “but in a much less invasive way than usual because I make a tiny incision and pull the liver out through the belly button, reducing both scarring and healing time.”

Excited by these explanations, the hospital board puts the surgeon to the test. Over a grueling day, they have him see six patients, three with liver inflammation, three with full-blown hep.

As he described, the doctor uses lava rock on the first three people, and his special surgery on the rest. The next morning, all six patients are x-rayed, with the board members gauging the results.

Alas for the surgeon, he proves only half successful. The first three patients look fine, with their abraded organs already starting to reconstitute. But the sicker patients are a shock:

although the surgeon said he took their livers out, the x-rays show conclusively that the organs are still there, in their bodies.

“I’m sorry,” says the board, “you did fine with the sanding down, but your surgical procedure doesn’t work at all.”

“You mean, I don’t get the job?” sighs the surgeon.

“Of course not,” says the board. “You Pumiced, But you couldn’t De-Liver.”

*

47. CHIMNEY (aired Aug. 2, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9975)

Before he moved into his big house in the Hollywood Hills, actor Joaquin Phoenix needed to have the place cleaned out. He hired a crew for the job, who inspected the house and made their report. The crew chief told Phoenix that the interior was in good shape except for the fireplace. “It’s a disaster up there,” he said. “First, there’s all this rotting wood just stacked in a mound halfway up the chimney.”

“That doesn’t sound so bad,” says the actor.

“It wouldn’t be,” replies the chief, “but the rot has been a breeding ground for thousands of insects. In order to kill the bugs, we have to clean and disinfect every inch of the chimney.”

The actor responds, “Well, I’m sure you have your own chemicals. But if you want, I’ve also got two bottles of ammonia under the sink.”

“Sure,” says the chief, who sets his crew to work. A half hour later, he checks on the chimney, only to see his best worker sprawled out with a thermometer in his mouth.

“Oh, boss,” he says, “I don’t feel so hot.”

“What’s the matter?” says the chief.

“Can’t you tell?” says the worker. “I’ve got the Joaquin Ammonia in the Buggy Woody Flue.”

*

48. ZOO (aired Aug. 8, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9979)

A new trainee at the L.A. Zoo is learning the ropes of both the apiary and the small aquatic mammals section.

On his first morning, the supervisor tells him, “You’re in luck. We just got a huge beehive shipped from a zoo in San Francisco. These are great bees to work with because the Bay Area weather makes them very docile. That’s why we’re going to crossbreed them with our more aggressive honeybees from Africa.”

So they spend a productive morning with the bees, and then after lunch, they look at the muskrats and beavers and otters and other small mammals.

The next day, they do the same routine. They check the beehive and see how many are mating, how many aren’t, and how many didn’t survive. Amazingly, only one bee from San Francisco hasn’t survived through the night. The trainee delicately scoops it up in a container and is about to throw it away when the supervisor says, “No time! I just got a text. We have to head over to the mammals.”

They get there and they see one of the otters floating face down. “What happened?” says the supervisor.

“Well, he was old,” answers the veteran zookeeper. “He was getting his medicinal bath when his heart gave out. I’m afraid you two will have dispose of him.”

So the supervisor and the trainee delicately remove the otter from the bath. The trainee then puts the mammal in a crate with the dead bee from San Francisco. He’s about to toss them both in the dumpster when the supervisor stops him. “No, no, no!” he cries. 

“They have to be separate.”

“How come?” the trainee asks.

“Don’t you know?” says the supervisor. “You can’t throw the Bay Bee out with the Bath Otter.”

*

49. NEW PLANET (aired Aug. 15, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9983)

A French astronomer thrills his colleagues when he calls them over to his telescope and shows them his discovery: a new planet.

“That’s amazing!” they say. “Can you tell what it’s made out of?”

“From what I can see, it’s a bunch of molecular clusters that formed into a giant polymer.”

“We must alert the whole scientific community,” says another colleague. “Hey, have you named it yet?”

“No,” says the astronomer. “I’m stuck on that part.”

“Well, what about naming it after yourself?”

“I thought about that, but my first name is Jean, which would sound silly: Planet Jean. And my last name is Eugenia, which, as you know, already is a planet.”

Another scientist chimes in, “Well, what about naming it based on how it looks?”

“Not a bad idea,” says Jean, looking through his telescope. “Well, its surface is smooth, and the color is yellowish white. It’s slightly more ovoid than round. Maybe we should call it, Planet Egg.”

“Okay,” says the head of the lab. “We should sent out a press release to all the journals, Scientific American, Astronomy Now, Sky and Telescope, and Italian Cuisine Magazine.

“Wait,” says the astronomer. “I get the journals and the science books. But why Italian Cuisine?”

“Because,” says the colleague. “You found an Egg Planet Polymer, Jean.”

*

50. NOODLES (aired Aug. 29, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9987)

A woman goes into a bakery in Chinatown and asks for her usual breakfast coffee and sticky bun. “I’m sorry,” says the counter girl. “We’re out of coffee. But we have many unusual teas here. Try one?”

“Sure,” says the woman. “What’ve you got?”

“Well, we have bubble tea, rice tea, buckwheat tea, and our house blend which is made from noodles.”

“That sounds interesting,” says the woman. “How do you make it?”

“I’ll show you.” The counter girl opens a bag of tea and then pours a healthy scoop through a funnel and into a mug of boiling water.

“Delicious!” says the customer. “You should really advertise how you make this.”

“Oh, we can’t!” says the girl. “We’d get arrested.”

“Arrested? For pouring tea through a cone?”

“Yes,” says the girl. “We’d be showing Full Funnel Noodle Tea.”

*

051. CROPS (aired Sept. 5, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9991)

A young farmer was having terrible trouble getting his first crop to grow, so he asks a more experienced neighbor for help.

“Well, I’ve seen ya,” says the old guy. “And you’re not watering enough. You really have to saturate the seeds to get `em going.”

Happy for the advice, the young farmer buys extra hoses and irrigation tools, and the next morning, really begins soaking the field. Unfortunately, the smell of the wet earth attracts all sorts of birds and rodents, who peck the field clean.

“It’s a disaster,” says the kid. “Anything the water touches, they eat.”

“Don’t panic,” says the old guy, “you just need a living scarecrow. Visit the hardware store, and get yourself some red, yellow, blue, and purple dye. Then, go in your henhouse and grab one of your biggest chickens. You’re gonna dip the chicken in all these colors, and twist its feathers a little so the patterns are really wild looking. Put him in the field, and he’ll scare off all the intruders while your crop gets fully watered.”

“I dunno,” says the boy. “Do you really think it’ll work?”

“Of course,” says the senior farmer. “Haven’t you ever heard, `If at First You Don’t Soak Seeds, Tie-Dye a Hen?”

*

52. MILES DAVIS (aired Dec. 31, 2015 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9995)

Miles Davis was auditioning trombone players for his new quintet. He tells the first guy, “The piece we’re practicing is in E flat. But I want you to play it so it sounds even flatter, almost off key.”

So the musician starts playing from the sheet music, but Davis stops him and says, “I’m sorry, but you’re too good. You keep going back on pitch; you gotta go under. Sorry.”

Davis calls in the next auditioner and gives her the same shpiel: “Remember, the band is in E flat, but you’re sliding beneath it. Begin.” The musician starts playing, but sure enough, she, too, can’t help but ease back in key with the rest of the band.

Finally, the last auditioner comes in–a young guy with a fuzzy afro. Davis gives him the rules, and the dude starts playing. After a half minute, Davis starts nodding and smiling: “That’s it! Now make it even more flat.”

The musician complies, and he’s doing great, only he notices that hair is piling up around his feet. In fact, the more he plays, the more his hair keeps falling out.

“Don’t stop,” says Davis. “And play even flatter!”

The musician obeys, and he does even better, but by the end of the song, he’s bald as an egg.

“Why didn’t you warn me?” he screams. “I didn’t know playing off key would make me bald!”

“Really?” says Davis. “Haven’t you heard the expression, `Flatter E Will Get You No Hair’?”

*

53. DEATH (aired Jan. 9, 2016 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=9999)

Tired of killing people for a living, the Angel of Death applies for work at a furniture store in New Jersey. The manager is skeptical, but he’s also short staffed, so he hires Death to sell couches and love seats.

Turns out, the Grim Reaper makes an excellent salesman. He exceeds all forecasts and even makes employee of the week three times in the first month. Unfortunately, every other day, the Angel of Death forgets himself and exterminates a customer.

Finally, the manager calls Death into his office and says, “You’re fired. You’re a good guy, but funeral expenses are destroying our profits.”

Death clears out his desk and leaves. But later that day, the CEO from corporate stops in and says, “Hey, where’s that new employee who’s been selling all those couches? I wanna meet him.”

“Too late,” says the manager. “I had to let him go. He was smothering too many customers with seat cushions.”

The CEO says, “Harvey, I’m surprised at you. You’re great with customer problems. Why not this?”

“Problems I can manage,” says Harvey. “But I just can’t deal with the Reaper-cushions.”

*

54. NIGHTCLUB (aired Jan. 23, 2016 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=10005)

A talented shrimp rehearses for many weeks putting together an evening of Gershwin, Sondheim, and other showtunes. She then goes looking for the right venue to perform.

First she tries the skeleton of a whale, but it’s too big, and the acoustics are poor. Then she tries an abandoned turtle shell, but that’s too dark and echoey. Finally, she comes upon a small, overturned, concave cap. She steps onto it, starts practicing, and immediately feels at home.

Suddenly, a crustacean hurries over and yells, “Hey, what are you doing in my hat?”

“Hat?” says the shrimp. “I thought it was a nightclub!”

“What?” comes the reply. “Can’t you tell the difference between a nightclub and a Crab Beret?”

*

55. AGFAIR (aired Jan. 30, 2016 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=10009)

Among the surprisingly controversial events at this year’s agricultural fair was an insult contest. Farmers with inventions would go before a “Shark Tank”-like panel, and not only would the best inventors get awards, but the panelists would get trophies for the best put-downs.

One chicken farmer came up with an egg protector, which was met with awful puns by all the judges. A soybean farmer invented a bean extractor that broke when he demonstrated it, so the jokes came thick and mean. Finally, a gardener presented his invention designed for lawn care. For hot summer days, he created a special air hose that would keep moss cool so it wouldn’t turn brown and die. The panelists were impressed but still made withering jokes. In fact, one judge who mercilessly dissed the invention was presented with the grand prize.

However, as soon as they gave it to him, he began to shake and stammer and had to be put in a wheelchair.

“What just happened?” said the gardener to a fellow contestant. “One minute he’s making fun of my moss air conditioning, the next he’s all spastic.”

The farmer replied, “No shock there. He got the Moss Cooler Diss Trophy.”

*

56. MAD SCIENTIST (aired Feb. 13, 2016 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=10013)

A mad scientist keeps getting terrible headaches, so he goes for an MRI and a visit to a specialist. The doctor gives him a strong analgesic, which cures the headache in a day.

However, when the mad scientist sees his MRI, he’s stunned. His brain looks normal, but he finds it incredibly ugly. So the scientist thinks to himself, “What if I can make my brain more physically appealing? A little surgery, botox, concealer . . .?”

Crazy as it sounds, he draws up the plans, and soon he’s in his laboratory with Igor (his assistant, of course), who will perform the actual procedure. Local anesthetic will be used so the scientist can be awake and call out instructions.

“Igor, kindly saw off the top of my head.” Igor complies and carefully removes his master’s cranium. “Shall I get the scalpel, master?”

“Not yet, Igor,” says the scientist. “First get the lipstick, mascara, and blush. I want you to draw a pretty face on my cerebral cortex.”

Igor merrily gets to work, and he’s just putting on the finishing touches when the basement door opens, and there stands the scientist’s wife—in shock, because all of this has been kept secret from her.

“My god, Victor,” she gasps, “I know you didn’t like your MRI, but this is butchery! Stop this instant and put your skull back on!”

“Absolutely not,” harrumphs her husband. “First of all, it’s not butchery, it’s cosmetic surgery.”

“I know, I see the cosmetics,” his wife cries. “You’ve got blush all over your brain!!”

“Yes!” cries the scientist, “and you can’t stop me! There’s foundation on my thalamus and eyeliner on my cerebellum. As you can see, I’ve made up my mind.”

*

57. APPLES (aired Feb. 20, 2016 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=10017)

Bob Dylan and Moby are touring together and stay overnight in upstate New York. In the morning, they decide to visit an apple orchard and pick fruit. They have a fabulous time until early afternoon, when Moby returns to his trailer to work on some music.

Dylan stays behind and takes a tour of the facilities—specifically where the owners bottle their homemade juice and cider. They love showing the rock star their warehouse and the giant outdoor drums where apples are turned into different beverages. So eager is Dylan to get a look at the inner workings of the equipment that he leans too far over a giant cider tub and falls in. The tub’s only a quarter full, so drowning’s not an issue, but it is gross because floating on the surface of the cider are all these tiny brown pellets.

“This is insect poop, isn’t it?” Dylan calls up to the workmen.

“How’d you know?” they yell back.

“This happened to me before, also in the northeast.”

“You’re right,” shout the workmen. “This time of year, we get infested with praying mantises, and they poop all over the place. Now hold on for a few minutes, and we’ll find a ladder to help you climb out.”

Dylan agrees, and while he’s waiting for the workmen to return, his cell phone rings.

“Bob!” says Moby on the phone. “We’re onstage in three hours. Where are you?”

“Well,” says Dylan, “remember what happened that time in Vermont with the apples and the insects?”

“Oh, no!,” says Moby. “You fell in the juice tub?”

“That’s right,” says Dylan. “I’m Stuck in Cider, Moby, with the Mantis Poos Again.”

*

58. JOHNNY CASH. (aired March 19, 2016 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=10021)

Johnny Cash had just finished a grueling tour and decided to treat himself to an exotic vacation. He chose an African safari that went deep into the jungle. 

Accompanying Johnny was an old Mexican tour guide, whose lineage stretched all the way back to the Mayan civilization 600 years ago. Still, Johnny didn’t like him somehow.

“Follow me, Señor Cash,” said the guide. “It’s the heat of the day, so all the wild animals are sleeping in the sun. That means if we’re quiet, we can come up close to them without getting hurt.” Johnny Cash nods and follows the guide, and he’s amazed when they sneak right past a sleeping rhino. Minutes later, they come upon a snoozing hyena, and they tiptoe ever so silently by it.

Not long after, they come upon a huge lion, snoring gently in the sunshine. The guide starts creeping past it, but suddenly, the singer runs up to the beast, pulls its tail, and starts screaming in its ear. The lion jerks to attention, grabs the tour guide, mauls him, and chews his foot off. With his dying breath, the guide asks, “Por que, señor? Why?”

Johnny Cash answers, “Because You’re Mayan, I Woke the Lion.”

*

59. BECK. (aired Jan. 28, 2017 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/wp-admin/post.php?post=10989&action=edit)

A traveler stops by the roadside and sees a nice place to turn in for the night. He walks through the front door, and the bellhop immediately hands him a loaf of sourdough. The traveler shrugs and walks to the front desk, but then he gasps, because right in front of him is world-famous singer-songwriter Beck Hansen.

“I’m a big fan,” the traveler says to the musician, who turns around and punches the poor guy, pow!, right in the face.

The traveler storms to the front desk and says, “Hey! What kind of hotel are you running here?”

The clerk says, “Oh, sir, we’re not a hotel. We’re a Bread and Beck Fist.”

*

60. CRAIGSLIST (aired July 1, 2017 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=10993)

While surfing through Craigslist, a rare book collector comes across a signed first edition of a classic. He calls the seller and says, “Look, I’ve gotta have the book, but the price is high, and I’m short on cash. Would you be willing to barter?”

“Depends,” says the seller. “What can you trade?”

Immediately, the collector grabs three pop-culture items from his stash. He tells the seller, “Here are three options. I’ve got an early Johnny Cash album, on Sun Records, signed and dated by Johnny and June Carter.”

“Not bad,” says the seller. “What else?”

“I’ve also got a handwritten one-act play by Vaclav Havel. He wrote it in prison years before he became president of Czechoslovakia.”

“Very tempting,” says the seller. “Tell me about number three.”

“Third is a rare photograph of Hugh Hefner cutting the ribbon on the first Playboy Club. He’s surrounded by beautiful hostesses, many of whom ended up living with him at the mansion.”

“Wow,” says the seller. “All three are impressive. The hard part is picking which one to trade for the book.”

The collector says, “I know, but you’ve gotta choose one. So will it be Cash, Czech, or Bunny Hoarder?”

*

61. ROCK LEGENDS (aired May 19, 2018 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=12278)

Tickets were snapped up recently when Eric Clapton and Neil Young went on tour together, singing their own and each other’s songs. The fans’ delirium reached a fever pitch when the duo played Los Angeles and announced, to start the encore, that they had a special guest backstage. Out came another rock legend: Neil Diamond, with guitar in hand.

But instead of the trio playing one of his classics, they launched into the old pop song, “Love Will Keep Us Together.” The crowd applauded, but then started shouting for “I’m a Believer” and “Sweet Caroline.” Paying the audience no attention, the musicians then played the novelty hit, “Muskrat Love.” Confused, the audience yelled even harder for Diamond’s “Red, Red Wine” and “Song Sung Blue.”

By the time the musicians struck up the ballad, “Do That to Me One More Time,” everyone was confused and disappointed—except for one smiling guy in the front row. A disgusted fan turned to him and said, “Dude, are you really digging this soft-rock crap?”

“Of course,” said the happy listener. “What else did you expect from The Clapton and Two Neils?” 

*

62. GOLF (aired June 2, 2018 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=12299)

A golf pro is traveling the country and learns about a course he’d never heard of. Naturally, he has to try it out. He hits the links on a Monday afternoon, but as he’s setting up his first drive, he hears the group in front of him talking a blue streak and using all sorts of foul language. He turns to complain to the group behind him, but they’re yapping away and being just as vulgar.

The golf pro calls their caddy over and says, “This is horrible. The course is gorgeous, but everyone on it swears like a sailor for no reason.”

“Oh, there’s a good reason,” replies the caddy. “This course was built by a man who has Tourette’s Syndrome. He wanted a place where people with his condition could go and play the game they loved without bothering regular folks or being judged.”

“I get it,” says the golf pro. “They sound rude, but they can’t help it.”

“Exactly. The cool part is these folks play in all kinds of weather—showers, thunderstorms, floods. No matter how wet, they always carry the perfect clothes to keep them comfortable. Heck, last year they all put on plastic hats, silicone shoes, and waterproof ponchos and played through a steady downpour on Christmas Day!”

“Christmas Day?” repeated the pro. “Gosh. I guess Rude Golf Tourettes Knows Raingear.”

*

63. OPRY (aired March 21, 2020 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=19066)

To celebrate the upcoming 100th anniversary of the Grand Ole Opry, organizers are planning a major renovation of the auditorium. They call in design experts to plan all the changes, and they book celebrities from many different fields to make the event global.

“One thing,” says the head of the Opry to a small group of workmen and celebrities. “Since his death, the Grand Ole Opry has been haunted by the ghost of Hank Williams. He’s benevolent, but anything we do here, we have to clear with him first.”

“What do you mean?” says Ellen Degeneres, one of the invited celebrities. 

“Just go in and talk to him,” says the organizer. “Tell him you’ll be emceeing the show and making cute jokes about country music.”

“How about me?” says basketball legend Wilt Chamberlain. 

“Same thing. Tell Hank Williams you’re there to do some trick shots like your early years with the Globetrotters.”

Then an HVAC technician steps up and says, “I’m no celebrity, but I’ve got a chart showing how we can circulate warm air through the building on chilly nights. Do you think he’d want to see that?”

“Absolutely,” says the organizer. “In fact, when we go in, we’ll hit him with the heating chart first, then Ellen makes some jokes, Wilt Chamberlain does his thing, and then you’ll be on the end so you can talk about the chart after Hank Williams takes a look at it.”

“We’ll be sitting in that order?” says the HVAC guy.

“Yup,” says the organizer. “Your Heating Chart, Wilt, Ellen, You.”

*

#64. DARKROOM EQUIPMENT (aired April 4, 2020 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=19070)

Tone Loc, after his wealthy rap career in the `90s, was looking to expand his brand. Not realizing the digital age was around the corner, he decided to partner with Kodak on a range of photographic equipment.

He gets an appointment with Kodak’s Chairman of the Board, who at the time was dating Carole King. She’s there for the meeting and listens to Tone Loc outline his plans for branding equipment like enlargers, magnifiers, and photo paper. 

The Chairman of the Board is on board—until the rapper starts talking about darkroom chemicals.

“Absolute not!” says the chair. “People associate rap with drugs, so we’re not putting the Tone Loc name on chemicals.” 

“That’s crazy,” says the rapper. “I smoke a little pot, but no hard drugs. And I can sell tons of Kodak merch.”

“He’s right,” Carole King whispers in the chairman’s ear. “He’s got fans all over the world.”

“I dunno,” says the chairman. “Tone Loc enlargers, fine. Tone Loc developing tanks, great. But Tone Loc Silver Bromide Gelatin?”

“Absolutely!” Carole King sings out. “Come on, Baby. Do Tone Loc Emulsion!”

*

65. MONASTERY (airs April 18, 2020 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=19085)

It’s been a brutal summer, and all the monks in the local monastery are sweltering—until one early morning when they’re awakened by construction noise coming from the chapel.

The Abbot runs in to see a dozen workmen, a giant machine, and the Mayor with a grin on his face. “Father,” he says, “your neighbors have been so concerned during this heatwave, they pitched in to buy you a central air-conditioner.” 

The Abbot stares at the machine, but instead of showing gratitude, he starts imitating the mayor’s movements—every word and gesture. 

“What’s the meaning of this?” shouts the Mayor. He goes to grab the Abbot, but the head monk bolts out of the monastery and kneels on the front lawn, where he starts licking the grass—still wet from condensation. 

The Mayor turns to the deputy and says, “What on earth is going on?”

The deputy replies, “It’s like that old expression: Monk A.C., Monk Eat Dew.” 

*

66. EGGS (airs April 25, 2020 on Dave’s Gone By; http://davesgoneby.net/?p=19088)

Hiram was having much success with his egg farm, raising extra-large and jumbo eggs right from the ground. But one morning, he woke to find his crop all cracked, with half-cooked egg white and runny yolks all over the soil.

So he replanted the field, the eggs started growing, and all was fine until, again, one morning, all was cooked and cracked.

So he replanted a third time, and he told his oldest son, “I think I know what’s going on. Tonight we’ll hide in the fields and see for ourselves.”  

Hiram and Hiram Jr. did just that: hidden behind some bushes, they camped out overnight and watched the egg field. Just after midnight, three men stole into the field and, with giant canisters, began pouring boiling water all over the eggs. 

“Just as I suspected,” Hiram whispered to his son. “Poachers.”

*

67. BOSTON POPS (airs May 2, 2020 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=19127)

To broaden the repertory of the Boston Pops, conductor Arthur Fiedler starts booking jazz musicians as guest artists. One of the first is avant-garde legend Sun Ra. Fiedler invites the jazzman to his home to rehearse, and Ra brings along his youngest child Seth to play in the backyard with Fiedler’s dog, a giant St. Bernard. 

Breaking for lunch, Fiedler comes out of the house and delights to see how much fun Seth is having with the dog. Eager to join in, Fiedler tells the boy, “Watch this!” He climbs on the dog’s back and rides him around the yard.

Pretty soon, a neighbor hears the commotion, looks over the fence at the scene, and sighs to his wife, “I wish Zero Mostel could see this.” 

“Zero Mostel?” says the wife. “Why would he care?”

“Because,” says the neighbor, “it’s Sun Ra’s Son Seth, and Fiedler on the Woof.”

*

68. CO-OP (airs May 9, 2020 on Dave’s Gone By: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=19149

Musician Dean Wareham, of Galaxie 500 and Luna fame, finds himself spending most of his time writing film scores. Tired of commuting to the coast, he looks for apartments in L.A. A friend tells him that actress Elizabeth Hurley owns a gorgeous co-op with a perfect one-bedroom available. 

“It’s a great deal,” says the friend, “but be careful. The co-op board is crazy.” 

Still, Wareham makes an appointment to meet with them. They tell him to show up at 4:30 in the morning and wear a plastic raincoat. The singer does, and he’s met there by the actress and a half-dozen tenants.

Before Wareham can even sit down, all the board members take bottles of Heinz ketchup and start spraying him, covering him head to foot. Finally, Elizabeth Hurley stops them, holds out her hand, and says, “Welcome, neighbor!”

This may sound like a strange method of apartment hunting, but you know what they say: The Hurley Board Ketchups the Wareham.

*

69. INDIA (airs May 16, 2020 on Dave’s Gone By)

Animal protection in India has been so successful that villages are seeing more elephants than they have in decades. That would be great, except that it’s caused other problems—mainly huge piles of elephant dung all over the roads.

Local sanitation has ben overwhelmed, so officials called for two American entrepreneurs to compete for a long-term contract. Mr. Howard proposed a cross between a harvester and a giant vacuum, while Mr. Katz showed his machine, a snow plow hooked up to the sewer system. Each inventor was given one hour to clean up half of a village: Howard in the west; Katz in the east.

The contest began, and in the first 15 minutes, Mr. Howard finished two streets. He then looked up to find Katz, not only finished with the east side of the village, but cleaning up all the remaining streets in the west.

The referee stopped the contest early to declare the winner, with Mr. Katz giving a gracious victory speech. Mr. Howard, however, could do nothing but stare incredulously at his opponent’s machine. “Mr. Howard,” said the referee, “would you like to make a concession speech?” But Howard was silent. 

“Mr. Howard,” the ref pressed on, “at least congratulate your worthy opponent.” But the loser just stared, dumbfounded at the machine, unable to say a word.

“What’s the matter?” said the ref. “Katz Got Your Dung?”

*

70. ATTENBOROUGH (airs May 23, 2020 on Dave’s Gone By)

British broadcasting legend Sir David Attenborough, best known for his nature documentaries, was invited to be a guest on Letterman. The day before, the writers had him tape a comedy segment where he thumb wrestled an iguana.

On the show, the audience went crazy when they saw footage of Attenborough letting the reptile win. Even more impressed was musical guest Joey Ramone. Inspired, he grabbed his guitar and started singing, “Twenty Twenty Twenty-Four Hours Ago, Iguana Beat Sir David.”

*

71. MICK JAGGER (airs May 30, 2020 on Dave’s Gone By)

Bought by Western Digital in 2016, SanDisk remains the world’s fourth-largest maker of flash drives and memory cards. But back in 1988, it was a brand-new company founded by three computer geeks desperate to get SanDisk on the market. 

“What if we get the Rolling Stones to promote it?” said one nerd. “I hear Mick Jagger is very into computers.”

Turns out he was, and a week later, they had Jagger the studio, filming an ad. The director told him, “Okay, Mr. Jagger. The first thing we need you to demonstrate is copying files from the SanDisk floppy to the hard drive.”

“Sounds easy,” said the Stones leader.

“It is,” the director replied. “We’re marketing to parents, so the floppy has a thousand children’s math questions on it: word problems, fractions, exponents. Just type the commands to copy all the files from disk to disk. Action!” 

The Stones’s leader typed the key strokes and, within seconds, the files were moved. But not all of them. “Maybe it’s a glitch,” said the director. “Try again.”

So Jagger again selected a thousand mathematical files and tried to move them. Hundreds of the questions copied over, but when the P.A. checked, she saw that any problem with fractions in it would not copy to the computer. Jagger tried twice more to move them, but they wouldn’t budge.

Frustrated, the singer threw on his coat and stormed towards the door. “This is ridiculous!” he yelled. “I try and I try and I try and I try. I Can’t Get No SanDisk Fractions!” 

*

72. HAWAIIAN VACATION (airs June 14, 2020 on Dave’s Gone By).

After finishing the last season of Cagney & Lacey, Sharon Gless took a well-deserved vacation to Hawaii. First on her must-see list was Mauna Loa, home of the world’s largest active volcano.

As the actress was walking the perimeter, the earth began rumbling. This caused a nearby food cart to lift in the air and smash down, sending a giant bucket of corn oil splashing all over her. Before she could wipe herself off, the volcano erupted, and Gless was drenched in molten rock, which cooked her to a crisp. 

“This is a tragedy!” cried one witness. “A calamity!”

“True,” said her companion. “It’s also scientific equipment.”

“Scientific equipment?” said the woman. “Are you crazy?”

“No,” her friend replied. “Just look at this Magma Frying Gless.”

*

73. FALSE TEETH (airs June 20, 2020 on Dave’s Gone By).

After debuting his latest short piece for piano, Serbian composer Milan Ristić is approached by a man in the audience who says, “I work for a dental supply firm in the States, and we wanna use your music to sell our products.”

“Okay,” says Ristić. “You mean in advertisements?”

“No,” says the man. “We have a copyrighted process by which we can insert a tiny music box into every set of false teeth we manufacture. Anytime someone chews or smiles, they hear your song.”

“It’s not a song, it’s an étude,” sniffs Ristić.

“Etude shmetude. The point is: sign this contract right now, and you’ll never have to work again. And your music will be heard in mouths all over the world.”

“I do like the sound of that,” quips the composer. “Where’s your pen?”

Just then, the orchestra conductor runs up to Ristić and shouts, “Don’t do it! Signing that contract will turn you into a slave!”

“A slave?” says Ristić. “Why?”

The conductor replies, “Because it would be In-Denture Serb Etude!

74. TORNADO (airs June 27, 2020 on Dave’s Gone By)

On his seaside estate in England, former Beatle George Harrison decides to take up farming. He buys a bevy of chickens, pigs, sheep, and cows. One night, a tornado hits the town, and all the animals are swept up into the water—including Harrison’s favorite cow, Dumpling.

After the storm passes, Harrison sits for hours at the shoreline, hoping for any sign that Dumpling survived. At dawn, just when he gives up hope, a hoof rises out of the choppy waters. Then a pair of horns and a muzzle, and the sound of plaintive mooing as the Beatle’s beloved cow bobs up and down in the sea.

Overjoyed, Harrison jumps on his phone to call his family: “Hurry! Bring ropes and a wagon!”

His wife, still half asleep, says, “What on earth for?” 

Harrison replies, “Dumpling in the Waves, She Moos!” 

*

75. ICON (airs July 11, 2020)

The Jews had been wandering the desert for years, getting increasingly restive. Finally, Aaron says to Moses, “We’re due for a mutiny unless God gives us a sign that the Jewish tribes will not only survive but thrive in the future.”

Moses then went to God and said, “Please, Lord, can you send an emissary from the 20th century? Someone powerful and talented and an icon for the Jewish people of their time?”

“No problem,” says God. “Behold!” A cloud of smoke appears, and when it clears, the children of Israel see a red-and-white striped pole and next to it, a little Jewish man with a pair of scissors. Suddenly, the man puts the scissors down, grabs a club, and starts hitting the sand with it, over and over.

Moses drops to his knees. “Thank you, Lord! Thank you!”

Aaron, confused, whispers to him, “This is the sign? This is the beloved icon?”

“Absolutely!” says Moses. “Can’t you see? It’s Barber StrikeSand!”

*

76. HOTEL (airs July 18, 2020)

A Jamaican tourist calls to book a suite at a fancy hotel in France, and he tells the manager he wants the best: a quiet floor, fully stocked minibar, and, most important: amazing scenery out the window. 

“Oui,” says the manager. “

Two weeks later, he checks in, enters the room, and sees that the window looks out on alley. Miffed, he goes to the fridge, but the mini-bar has just a couple of domestic beers in it. He does find a big bottle of rum by the bed, but even that is disconcerting because the label has an image of a hand with its middle finger sticking up.

Enraged, the tourist calls the front desk and hollers, “What is the meaning of this?   There’s nothing to see, the mini-bar is a joke, and the one good drink has an obscene label!”

“Ah sir,” replies the manager, “it is as you requested. When you called, you specifically 

   asked for `A Rum with F. U.’”

*

77. ZOO (airs July 25, 2020)

It was a bad morning at the The San Diego Zoo. What should have been a grand reopening just hit one snag after another.

First, the champion Olympic swimmer who volunteers to go surfing in the dolphin tank gets a cramp in his leg and can barely move. Then their newly acquired African bobcat starts going crazy with anxiety and won’t let anyone near her.  Worst of all, the consultant they hire to run the event has to leave because of a urinary-tract infection.

“But what are we supposed to do?” cries the zookeeper.

“Call my website developer,” says the consultant.

“Excuse me?” yells the zookeeper. “I’ve got an injured athlete, a crazy cat, and you with a medical condition. Why would I call a web geek?”

“Because,” replies the consultant, “Your Surfer is Down, I Can’t Access Your Hyper Lynx, and it Hurts When IP.”

*

78. RADIO (airs Aug, 2020)

The cast of Queer Eye from the Straight Guy are busy promoting their new line of healthy snacks—everything from whole-wheat cookies to sugar-free gum.

One morning, they’re guesting on a radio show when the signal fails and the station goes off the air. In runs the engineer who starts pulling cables looking for the problem.

“There’s a fray in one of the wires. I can do a quick fix by tying it into a knot,” he says, “but I need something for insulation. Anybody have a rubber band?”

The Queer Eye guys look but can’t find one. However, the engineer notices their snacks on the table. “That’s it!” he says, snatching a wad of their chewing gum. “I call this the `Hide and Seek Repair.” 

“Hide and Seek?” says Bobby. “Why?”

“Because,” replies the engineer, “Radio Knot, Queer-Eye Gum!”

*

79. ARAB (airs Aug. 2020)

Nigerian minister Abdou Daouda is seated in his private plane, about to fly across the continent. However, the pilot tells him there’s a storm ahead and they should wait till it passes before taking off.

“Fine,” grumbles Daouda. “Just radio in to a restaurant at the terminal so we can at least have some food.”

The pilot calls, and soon a wizened old Arab shows up pushing a cart on the runway towards the plane. 

“Oh no,” says Daouda to the pilot. “I don’t trust the Arabs. You go down there and bring in the food.”

So the pilot does what he’s told and returns to the minister while the Arab man waits outside in the rain. 

“It’s okra soup,” says the returning pilot. “Smells delicious.” 

With nothing else to do, the minister starts eating. And eating and eating. The meal isn’t poisoned, but he devours so much he goes into a food coma. 

As soon as he passes out, the pilot opens the door and calls to the old man from the restaurant, “Hey, no need to wait out there in the storm. Come inside and have a nap.” 

“No,” says the Arab, “the minister, he doesn’t like my kind.” 

“The soup knocked him out,” says the pilot. “In fact, I haven’t seen Daouda this way since he had to sit through a Broadway musical. So come on up and catch some z’s.” 

“Are you sure?” says the Arab. “A Broadway musical?”

“Oh yes,” replies the pilot, singing: “Okra Coma! Bedouin, Come! Sleep in Daouda’s Plane.”

*

80. MOSES (airs Aug. 15, 2020)

Moses was in a terrible state. God had just told him to ask Pharaoh to free the Jewish slaves.

“But I’m no diplomat,” Moses tells Aaron. “I have speech problems, I’m shy, I’m nervous. Look at this—my hands are shaking, and I’m not even at the palace yet!”

“Chill, bro,” says Aaron. “Let me bring you to Boaz the Pharmacist.”  

Within minutes, they’re at Boaz’s cave, where the old man is rummaging through his medications. “Here we are!” he says, counting out pills. “These are for relaxation. 

They’re made from ginger and lavender, to stop those shaking hands of yours. Plus, they have mint in them, so they taste great and freshen your breath in the bargain.” 

“Perfect!” says Aaron. “How many does he need?”

“Ten,” replies Boaz. 

“Ten?” says Moses. “Isn’t that a lot of pills just for the jitters?” 

“Not at all,” says Boaz. “If you’re going to Pharaoh, you’re gonna need the Ten Calm Hand Mints.”

DAVE’S GONE BY WRETCHED PUN LINKS PAGE: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=10034

*******************

NOTES & BACKSTORY: 

Puns truly are the lowest form of wit, which might explain why I love them so much. I started writing these to perform on my radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By, and also to have material to bring to my writing group when I wasn’t working on something “real.” The well on these pretty much dried up in 2017, but every once in awhile I get struck with inspiration and add a newbie. For that, and for all, I apologize.