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INTERVIEWS & PROFILES

KAREN ALLEN (actress, May 2017):
http://wp.me/pzvIo-aP

BOB BALABAN (actor-director, June 2015):
http://wp.me/pzvIo-cB

ANNE BASS (Lantern Theater executive producer, March 2017):
http://wp.me/pzvIo-bu

VALERIE BERTINELLI (actress, March 2017):
http://wp.me/pzvIo-b0

LORRAINE BRACCO (actress, Nov. 2009):
http://wp.me/pzvIo-2p

DIAHANN CARROLL (actress, Oct. 2008):
http://wp.me/pzvIo-2r

LYNDA CARTER (actress, Oct. 2017):
https://wp.me/pzvIo-eR

PATTY DUKE (actress, Sept. 2009):
http://wp.me/pzvIo-2x

SUSIE ESSMAN (actress, Dec. 2008):
http://wp.me/pzvIo-2A

JULES FEIFFER (author-cartoonist, April 2017):
http://wp.me/pzvIo-a8

CARRIE FISHER (actress, Oct. 2009):
http://wp.me/pzvIo-2D

TONY GEORGAN (Merrick Theater founder, Feb. 2016):
http://wp.me/pzvIo-bX

SEAN GRENNAN (playwright, Nov. 2015):
http://wp.me/pzvIo-cc

BRUCE GROSSMAN (Cultural Arts Playhouse producer, March 2016):
http://wp.me/pzvIo-bU

CHRISTOPHER HACKERT (playwright, May 2017):
http://wp.me/pzvIo-bk

CHERYL HINES (actress, Sept. 2017):
https://wp.me/pzvIo-eY

ALLISON JANNEY (actress, April 2017):
http://wp.me/pzvIo-aV

BILLIE JEAN KING (athlete, Jan. 2017):
http://wp.me/pzvIo-b5

TARMO KIRSIMAE (director, Feb. 2016):
http://wp.me/pzvIo-bX

BARBARA KOLB (principal, Feb. 1977):
https://wp.me/pzvIo-h4

CHRIS LEMMON (actor-singer, Oct. 2015):
http://wp.me/pzvIo-cl

OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN (actress-singer, July 2017):
http://wp.me/pzvIo-aK

KELLI O’HARA (actress, Dec. 2017):
http://wp.me/pzvIo-bq

PAULA POUNDSTONE (comedian, Nov. 2017):
https://wp.me/pzvIo-eV

JEFFREY SANZEL (Theater Three artistic director, Sept. 2016):
http://wp.me/pzvIo-bG

ALENA SMITH (playwright, June 2015):
http://wp.me/pzvIo-cB

JONATHAN TOLINS (playwright, May 2016):
http://wp.me/pzvIo-bM

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SONGS INDEX

SONGS

Below please find a list of many of my songs — funny, serious, satirical, dark — with links to their lyrics on this website. Many of these songs were performed on my radio program, Dave’s Gone By, or may be heard on my youtube channel.
For more information, including rights and permissions, please contact me at davesgoneby_at_aol.com.

All songs (c) by David Lefkowitz, unless otherwise noted.

*

ALEPH BAIS (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6b
(a fat-free parody tune from a Rabbi’s perspective when he teaches Bar Mitzvah bochers their Haftorah portions)

ALMOST A SONNET (1981): http://wp.me/pzvIo-O
(a lightly serious love song with a nod to the bard)

AMAGANSETT PRINCESS (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-T
(a fairly serious song about a girl looking for all the wrong things in all the wrong ways)

ANAL DREIDEL (2007, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3y
(Thanks to a new medical procedure, Rabbi Sol Solomon discovers a new toy…and talent)

THE ANSWERS TO BLOWING IN THE WIND (1980): https://wp.me/pzvIo-eJ
(Who said the questions had to be rhetorical?)

THE ANTLERS ARE BLOWING IN THE WIND (aka “Moose You Around”) (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-2g
(An absurdly romantic waltz)

AR-15 (2018): https://wp.me/pzvIo-gh
(Yet another real-life psychopath turning a school into a mausoleum)

BACH PRELUDE #1 IN F.U. MAJOR: https://wp.me/pzvIo-fn
(A goofy plateful of hateful)

BAD, BAD MAN (2017): https://wp.me/pzvIo-eD
(Yet another sociopath doing satistic things, parodically)

THE BAGEL BOAT SONG (1985, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-13
(A “Banana Boat Song” parody, kosher-style, which was performed in the stage play, Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon)

THE BALLAD OF PETE TOWNSHEND (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3A
(A tune penned when The Who balladeer was having legal troubles with the interwebs)

THE BALLAD OF TEENY PEENIE (1985, co=author: Scott Rodolitz): http://wp.me/pzvIo-16
(A silly song. Infantile even)

BAXTER HOLVOE’S VOLVO SONG (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8v
(A creepily comic ballad for a sociopathic seducer. Ah, love!)

BEFORE THE GOLDRUSH (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-19
(A semi-serious song about the way rock bands rise and crash.)

BEN GAZZARA (1994): http://wp.me/pzvIo-2d
(A deeply earnest lament about missing this fine actor — written many years before he’d actually died)

BETTER DO IT NOW (1984, auths: Scott Rodolitz, Jay Auerfeld, and Kevin Gerber): http://wp.me/pzvIo-9t
(Wish I’d written this catchy, sharp song about Long Island life, but I didn’t. My bandmates did.)

BRUNO (1981): https://wp.me/pzvIo-gL
(Carey may get out his cane, but Bruno breaks out objects on a whole other level)

CAPTAIN LIFLANDER’S MADRIGAL (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3C
(A satirical tune about American exceptionalism and weaponry)

CAUGHT (w.t.c.o.h.c.) (1986): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1f
(A thoroughly reprehensible comic song about a young girl’s evening proclivities)

CHANUKAH WISHES (2008): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3E
(A comic song about a Jewish boy’s true hopes for the Chanukah holiday)

CHERRY ON TOP (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1k
(A satirical tune mocking 1980s Long Island youth culture, such as it was)

COMING AND GOING (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1q
(A downright depressing song about friendship and betrayal)

COMMUTED SENTENCE (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-e2
(A serious number about the, um, joys of commuting to and from NYC

CONSTIPATED (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6T
(A parody song about a poor woman whose stones aren’t rolling)

COVER’D WITH CRAP (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3G
(A comical and aptly disgusting sea shanty)

CRACK OF A WHITE MAN’S ASS (1992): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8t
(A song as anatomical as it is comical)

CRAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN (2008): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3I
(A song parody penned in the midst of the recession)

CRIMINAL JUSTICE (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1u
(A song parody of Joe Cuba’s “Bang Bang” featuring a very bad mother)

DAMN SCHOOL, APPROXIMATELY (1979): https://wp.me/pzvIo-er
(A Dylan song parody knocking and mocking the education system

A DAY IN THE LIFE (OF A PSYCHOPATH) (1979): https://wp.me/pzvIo-fC
(I wrote about a sociopath today, oh boy)

DAYENU (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-46
(A Passover parody song that thanks God for…well, something)

DEAD AIR (1985, co-author: Scott Rodolitz): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1A
(A fairly serious tune about the ills of American radio)

DEAD BLOWFISH (2015): http://wp.me/pzvIo-49
(A parody of “Dead Puppies” dedicated, with apologies, to Miley Cyrus’s departed pet)

DEEP IN THE HEART OF DALLAS (2016): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4d
(In response to the Black Lives Matter movement, a darkly satirical song parody of “Deep in the Heart of Texas”)

A DINGO ATE MY BABY (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3t
(A darkly comical number, to be bellowed in a thick Aussie accent)

DO THE ONION (2008): http://wp.me/pzvIo-9f
(A slow, gloomy dance for people who have no interest in dancing)

DO THE PHOENIX (1994): http://wp.me/pzvIo-2j
(A darkly satirical song instructing lucky teens on how they can die just like River Phoenix)

DON’T MESS WITH US (2003, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4h
(A plucky tune, loosely based on an old Yiddish melody, about Jews’ resiliency)

DON’T THINK TWICE, JUST GO (2009): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4m
(A song parody of Bob Dylan’s “Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright,” dedicated to GWB)

DOUBLE HERNIA (HERNIA BOTH SIDES) (1980): https://wp.me/pzvIo-gT
(With apologies to David Bowie and my intestines)

DRINK TILL I’M DRUNK (2010): https://wp.me/pzvIo-fg
(A jolly Irish song about Irish activities)

ELEPHANT WOMAN WANT GO HOME (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8H
(An a cappella, call-and-response tune perfect for hauling…stuff)

ENEMA BLUES (1978): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5o
(A happily Elvis-ish tune about going with the flow)

EVERY DAY ON THE 5:09 (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1N
(A fairly serious song about enduring life on the Long Island Rail Road)

FLOWERS WEREN’T MEANT TO LAST (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4p
(The plaintive complaint of a singer-songwriter)

FRONTAL LOBOTOMY BLUES (1979 co-author: Scott Rodolitz, revised 2006): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1J
(With apologies to “Mannish Boy,” a sick tune about a sick tot)

FUN IN THE KITCHEN (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5r
(A sick calypso ditty that will not be a hit with PETA)

(I’M HAVING A) GAY CHRISTMAS (2004, co-author: Peter Fitzgerald): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4u
(A pervy nod to alternative holiday celebrations)

GO CIALIS (2014): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4A
(To the tune of “White Rabbit,” this pharmaceutical tribute rocks, um, harder)

HAIR ON MY KNUCKLES (1980): https://wp.me/pzvIo-gF
(Though it’s not true that having hair on one’s knuckles signifies retardation, that doesn’t deter the muse…)

HAPPY FOOT SONG
(see listing under MY FOOT)

HE’S GOT THE SHITHOLE WORLD (IN HIS HANDS) (2018): https://wp.me/pzvIo-g3
(A timely immigration song for our President)

HELLUVA LIFE (1979): https://wp.me/pzvIo-fs
(The joys of castration, Bee Gees style)

HERE’S TO THE HIGH SCHOOL (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5t
(A bitter alma mater for bitter alma martyrs)

HOLIDAY CONGA (co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon, 2008): https://wp.me/pzvIo-gt
(The beauty of Jewish holidays is not their sacredness or spirituality; it’s that there’s so many of `em)

I KNOW WHAT GOYS LIKE (2012): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4G
(A parody tune, co-written with Rabbi Sol Solomon for his stage show, Shalom, Dammit!)

I THOUGHT ABOUT YOU (author: Scott Rodolitz, 1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-dU
(A catchy tune about finding the right girl at the wrong time)

I WANNA DECOMPOSE (1979, co-author: Scott Rodolitz): https://wp.me/pzvIo-f3
(Nihilism at its goofiest)

I WANNA HOLD YOUR STUMP (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5H
(Look ma, a Beatles song parody with no hands!)

I’M GONNA PISS MYSELF (2017): https://wp.me/pzvIo-ev
(A Beatles parody about something yellow that isn’t a submarine)

I’M ME (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8K
(A jaunty tune celebrating the self)

I’M TOO SEXY (FOR MY PROSTATE) (2017, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-cN
(A parodic disco ditty about the Rabbi’s various ailments)

IN HIS ASS (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-ea
(A spirited spiritual about items actually inserted by people into their interstices)

IS IT GOOD FOR THE JEWS (2004, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4J
(A Yiddishy ditty that asks the age-old question)

IT WAS AN ALL RIGHT DAY (2017, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-70
(a parody of Ice Cube’s “It was a Good Day” from a Jewish perspective.)

IT’S A STIFF (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4M
(a dark song parody, to “Let it Snow,” about a true New York story)

JEOPARDY KEN (2004): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4P
(A song parody, to the Beatles’ “The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill,” written to celebrate “Jeopardy” celeb Ken Jennings)

JERREE (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-dx
(Jerry Lewis is no longer with us, but don’t tell that to the retarded boy who loves him…)

THE JERRY LEWIS TELETHON HOP (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-dv
(Penned by Scott Rodolitz and Kevin Gerber, a mostly instrumental tribute to the nutty telethon host)

JOEY, THE SPASTIC KANGAROO (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4R
(A bouncy comic tune about an Aussie animal that bounces too freely)

KENNEDY CAR CAR (fka Song for Ted Kennedy) (1980): http://wp.me/pzvIo-de
(A folkie number about the chap acquitted)

KILLIN’ THE CANDIDATES (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5J
(A darkly comic look at the trigger happy)

KISS ME, I’M IRISH (2018): https://wp.me/pzvIo-gA
(A song for the Irishman in all of us)

THE KOSHER HOT DOG PICNIC (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-as
(A children’s folk song about–what else?–depravity)

LA-LA LAND (1988): http://wp.me/pzvIo-J
(A song parody of John Denver’s “Leaving on a Jet Plane” written specifically for a “Howard Stern Show” contest)

LADY LIBERTY (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5L
(A playful number about a statuesque lady)

LAMENT #9 (1982): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5P
(If John Lennon heard this song parody, he’d primal scream)

LET HIM PEE (1979): https://wp.me/pzvIo-ez
(Even early on, I was a “whiz” at Beatles parodies)

LOOK WHAT THEY DONE TO MY HEAD, MA (2004): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4U
(With apologies to Melanie, a dark song parody for the age of terrorism)

M-O-T-H-E-R (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4Z
(Inspired by moms and Theodore Morse & Howard Johnson’s alphabetical tribute to them)

MADE IN THE USA (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5X
(With apologies to The Boss, a parody song of planned obsolescence)

MAKIN’ POOPIES (2004): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4W
(A song parody for when you’re in the dumps)

THE MARRIAGE SONG (All You Do is Bitch) (2013): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3w
(A marital song parody of Lennon-McCartney’s “All You Need is Love”)

ME (1988): http://wp.me/pzvIo-20
(A joyfully comical-egocentrical tune)

MEM’RIES OF SCRANTON (1988): http://wp.me/pzvIo-9h
(A country-tinged, comical tune about family travels)

MICHAEL, ROW (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-65
(An environmentally conscious song parody)

MONSTERS OF THE WORLD (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-67
(A political song, both serious and ambivalent. Oh joy.)

MOOSE YOU AROUND (1985):
(see listing under The Antlers are Blowing in the Wind)

THE MOST OFFENSIVE SONG EVER WRITTEN (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-7G
(No, really, it’s vile. I dare you…)

MY BLUES (1979): https://wp.me/pzvIo-fd
(A disease parody from my diseased mind)

MY DOGGY’S CHRISTMAS GIFT (2004): http://wp.me/pzvIo-51
(A comical tune about how to keep your pet happy during the holidays)

MY FOOT (aka Happy Foot Song) (1990): http://wp.me/pzvIo-7C
(A comical marching tune about our neglected tootsies)

MY LADY’S A WILD BUZZARD (1979): https://wp.me/pzvIo-f5
(A tender parodic ballad extolling the behavior of a harridan)

NADINE (written by Scott Rodolitz, Jay Auerfeld & Kevin Gerber; 1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-dA
(A doo-wop number about teenage love…from behind)

NAPERVILLE (1989): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1V
(A comical tribute to a somewhat underrated Chicago suburb)

THE NIPPLE SONG (1980): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6s
(A celebration of all things nipular)

NIRVANITY (2002): http://wp.me/pzvIo-54
(A parody with all apologies to the late Kurt Cobain)

NOT A FRIEND (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6y
(A serious tune about the limits of platonics)

NOT THE CLAM BAR (1983): http://wp.me/pzvIo-da
(A Clash parody that chooses pastrami over prawns)

NOTHING IN THIS WORLD (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6C
(A seriously depressing song about about muddling through the mundane)

O THURM (a.k.a. THURMAN MUNSON) (1980): https://wp.me/pzvIo-gW
(A Dylanesque tribute, of sorts, to a ballplayer’s demise)

OFF COLOUR (2018): https://wp.me/pzvIo-gm
(A parody song for, and about, young and old)

OH CUM ALL YOU FAITHFUL
(see listing under THE TWELVE PERVERSIONS OF CHRISTMAS)

OH DAT BEN (2015): http://wp.me/pzvIo-56
(A wry tribute to the early years of presidential candidate Ben Carson)

OH, MY LOVE (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-61
(A serious love song from a long time back)

ORGY BOY (1987): http://wp.me/pzvIo-22
(A joyfully depraved comic tune about naughty activities)

OY OY (2015, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-58
(A not-so-traditional Jewish hand-clapping song)

PHOENIX ENVY (2004): https://wp.me/pzvIo-fU
(A song for when Glen Campbell was more naughty than tragic)

PISHES SWEETER THAN WINE (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5a
(A parody song about the fountain of aging)

THE PITY ME I’M POLISH POLKA (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5d
(Well, at least it’s not an oberek)

PSYCHO BLUES (2006): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1C
(A darkly comic tune about the activities of a psychopath. Not autobiographical)

PUBIC HAIR (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8M
(An ode to our nether feathers)

RABBI PEARL’S LAMENT (aka “The Schvartze Rubbed My Shmekel”) (1987, co-author Jeff Rothstein): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6G
(A comical cautionary tale for a man of soiled cloth)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTIONS THEME (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5h
(How the good Rabbi opens his sermons)

RAIN ON THE BORDERLINE (1986): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6K
(A bit of unhappiness, in serious song form)

THE RECTUM OF EDMUND FITZGERALD (2004): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5l
(With apologies to Gordon Lightfoot and a lot of dead sailors, a dark parody tune inspired by a true Long Island travesty)

RING MY BELL (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-94
(A joyful number in Wild Man Fischer style)

SANDY DUNCAN’S EYE (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5x
(a rhythmic and visionary tribute)

SANTA QUITS (2012): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6h
(a mashup piece, in Buchanan & Goodman style, using short samples from other artists).

SANTASIA (2004): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6m
(a not-safe-for-the-north-pole holiday poem about Santa’s depravity)

SEAMUS THE URINE MAN (1998): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6p
(An Irish tune, based on the true story of a Dublin shop owner with a unique bouquet)

SERVE SOMEBODY (1980): https://wp.me/pzvIo-gZ
(A parody tune ruing Bob Dylan’s stillborn again period)

SEW BUTTONS (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8Y
(A bit of pure absurdist whimsy, with sprinkle of Wild Man Fischer)

SEX WITH A CHICKEN (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-9R
(A comical song for the bestial years of our lives)

SHAKING LIKE A MONKEY (1992): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1Q
(an absurdly happy comic tune about, well, doing the title)

SHEEP ARE MOIST (1982): http://wp.me/pzvIo-7J
(A comical, country-folk number that became the anthem of the band I was in at the time, The Moist Sheep)

THE SHIT SONG (2012, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6X
(A comic ditty about world religions penned for the stage play, Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon)

SNIPER’S LULLABY (2002): http://wp.me/pzvIo-aE
(Written for my radio show, a song–to the tune of “Hobo’s Lullaby”–to celebrate the capture of the Beltway snipers)

STUCK INSIDE OF HEWLETT WITH THE BROOKLYN BLUES AGAIN (1979): https://wp.me/pzvIo-fp
(A parody, of course, about rampant corruption, of course)

SUGAR, SPICE, AND A VERY SHARP AXE (co-author, Scott Rodolitz; 1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-dh
(Lizzie Borden has nothing on this girl)

SWIMAWAY (2005): http://wp.me/pzvIo-ax
(A parody song inspired by the 2004 Indonesian tsunami, yet another iteration of “Mbube/Wimoweh/The Lion Sleeps Tonight)”

TAKE YOUR UNDEROOS DOWN (The Rolf Harris Song) (2014): http://wp.me/pzvIo-7w
(A Rolf Harris parody…and pillory)

TEN MORAY EELS (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8B
(A strange poetic chant for those who find the little Indians too un-P.C.)

THAT SONG ABOUT THE LADY OF THE BOWERY: https://wp.me/pzvIo-gP
(Ah, when love is blind, deaf, and impervious to odor)

THE SCHVARTZE RUBBED MY SHMEKEL
(see listing under RABBI PEARL’S LAMENT)

THEN YOU’RE JEWISH (2012, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-73
(A comic ditty about modern Jewish life. The song is performed in the first act of the stage play, Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon)

THIS ONE’S FOR YOU (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5j
(The second — yes, second — song I wrote about enemas…and hopefully not the last)

THE TRICKLE-DOWN LULLABY (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-2a
(A darkly satirical number about a desperate man. The piece was written with stage directions and can be performed as a brief one-act solo)

THE TWELVE PERVERSIONS OF CHRISTMAS (aka “Oh Cum All Ye Faithful”) (1979, co-author: Scott Rodolitz): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6O
(The melody is traditional the exploits are not)

THURMAN MUNSON
(see listing under “O THURM”)

TUMOR IN MY HEAD (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8a
(A jaunty, non-autobiographical tune)

VEGETABLES ARE BAD FOR YOU (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-7L
(A comical country song about mercy killin’. Yee haw)

WAKKA WAKKA BOOM BOOM PIG (2001): http://wp.me/pzvIo-9o
(Penned in Italy and dedicated to the man selling splat pigs there)

WALK ON THE WEIRD SIDE (1980): http://wp.me/pzvIo-do
(And you thought Lou Reed was kinky?)

WHAT AM I? (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8j
(A joyful song of the self)

WHEN I’M NINETY-THREE (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-dq
(A parodic ode to decrepitude)

THE WHITE JEW BLUES (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-7S
(Kind of an “oy is me” song for members of the tribe)

THE WORST SONG EVER WRITTEN (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-7y
(A love song utilizing every possible cliche and groaner rhyme. Someone should sing it through a megaphone)

YESHIVA BOY (2011, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5U
(A bouncy Bob Seger parody that served as the opening number of Shalom Dammit!)

YAYS AND BOOZE (1979): https://wp.me/pzvIo-fi
(A parody ballad with a rather startling blood-alcohol content)

YOU DON’T GET ME HIGH (1980): https://wp.me/pzvIo-eO
(A song parody about love gone up in smoke)

YOUR MEAT’S TOO BIG (2008): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5A
(In Fats Waller parodies, size matters)

Click the links for David Lefkowitz’s oeuvre, which he hopes you’ll loeuvre.

FEATURE STORIES:
https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/category/feature-stories/

INTERVIEWS & PROFILES
https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/category/feature-stories/interviews-profiles/

PLAYS: Full Length:
https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/category/full-length-plays/
PLAYS: One-Acts:
https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/category/one-act-plays/

POEMS: Humorous:
https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/category/poems-humorous/

SONGS:
https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/2017/10/05/songs-by-david-lefkowitz/

TABLE OF CONTENTS:
http://wp.me/pzvIo-ac

THEATER REVIEWS:
https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/category/theater-reviews/

THEATER REVIEW INDEX

THEATER REVIEWS

FISH IN THE DARK (Broadway, July 2015):
http://wp.me/pzvIo-cv

THE GIN GAME (Broadway, Dec. 2015):
http://wp.me/pzvIo-c3

HAND TO GOD (Broadway, July 2015):
http://wp.me/pzvIo-cv

IF YOU EVER LEAVE ME, I’M GOING WITH YOU (Broadway, Sept. 2001)
http://wp.me/pzvIo-cI

THE PLAY THAT GOES WRONG (Broadway, July 2017):
http://wp.me/pzvIo-9X

THAT PHYSICS SHOW (off-Broadway, July 2016):
http://wp.me/pzvIo-bJ

FEATURE STORIES

Nov. 2017: Ping Pong, Pop Tarts, and Pineapples – Comedian Paula Poundstone on the Rewards of Moving Forward
(An interview with comedian Paula Poundstone)
Published in Long Island Woman, NY. https://wp.me/pzvIo-eV

Oct. 2017: It’s a Wonder-ful Life: Lynda Carter on Music, Money and That Role
(An interview with actress, model, and the original “Wonder Woman,” Lynda Carter)
Published in Long Island Woman, NY. https://wp.me/pzvIo-eR

Sept. 2017: Psyched: Cheryl Hines on Acting, Reacting, and the Kennedy Blessing
(An interview with Curb Your Enthusiasm actress Cheryl Hines)
Published in Long Island Woman, NY. https://wp.me/pzvIo-eY

Sept. 2017: A Band, A Butterfly, and a Bob – Broadway Greets the Autumn
(A preview of Broadway’s fall 2017 season)
Published in Long Island Pulse, NY. http://wp.me/pzvIo-bE

July 2017: Sometimes a Grain of Sand – Olivia Newton-John Reflects on Glory and Grief
(An interview with pop songstress and actress Olivia Newton John)
Published in Long Island Woman, NY. http://wp.me/pzvIo-aK

May 2017: Karen Allen and the World of Yes
(An interview with “Raiders” actress Karen Allen about her latest film project, “A Year by the Sea”)
Published in Long Island Woman, NY. http://wp.me/pzvIo-aP

May 2017: In Bloom – Christopher Hackert Gets his Theatrical Wish
(A profile of longtime Long Island florist–and playwright–Christopher Hackert)
Published in Long Island Pulse, NY. http://wp.me/pzvIo-bk

April 2017: The Ceiling’s the Limit: Jules Feiffer Collaborates on a New Musical
(An interview with Pulitzer-winning cartoonist Jules Feiffer about his work on The Man in the Ceiling, a musical premiering at Long Island’s Bay Street Theater)
Published in Long Island Pulse, NY. http://wp.me/pzvIo-a8

April 2017: To the Oval Office from the Bunion Derby: Allison Janney’s Slow Rise to Stardom
(An interview with “West Wing” and theater actress Allison Janney
Published in Long Island Woman, NY. http://wp.me/pzvIo-aV

March 2017: Spring on Broadway – Old Friends and Oddballs
(A preview of Broadway’s spring 2017 season)
Published in Long Island Pulse, NY. http://wp.me/pzvIo-ba

March 2017: Valerie Bertinelli – Taking Life one Dish at a Time
(An interview with “One Day at a Time” and cooking-show star, Valerie Bertinelli)
Published in Long Island Woman, NY. http://wp.me/pzvIo-b0

Jan. 2017: Serving Love – Billie Jean King Still Winning for All of Us
(An interview with tennis legend and activist, Billie Jean King)
Published in Long Island Woman, NY. http://wp.me/pzvIo-b5

Dec. 2016: Kelli O’Hara on Living the Theater Life
(An interview with Tony-winning actress Kelli O’Hara)
Published in Long Island Pulse, NY. http://wp.me/pzvIo-bq

Nov. 2016: L.I.’s Lantern Still Burns Bright
(A look at Long Island’s 64-year-old Lanter Theater Company)
Published in Long Island Pulse, NY. http://wp.me/pzvIo-bu

Oct. 2016: Broadway’s Fall Shows Open on Their Own Terms
(A preview of Broadway’s fall 2016 season)
Published in Long Island Pulse, NY. http://wp.me/pzvIo-by

Sept. 2016: Theater Three Starts a New Season without an Old Friend
(Jeffrey Sanzel, artistic director of Long Island’s Theater Three, reflects on the new season and the passing of longtime musical director Ellen Michelmore)
Published in Long Island Pulse, NY. http://wp.me/pzvIo-bG

May 2016: Aria Grande – Playwright Jonathan Tolins and his Fandom of the Opera
(Playwright Jonathan Tolins discusses his latest, A Forgotten Woman, premiering at Long Island’s Bay Street Theater)
Published in Long Island Pulse, NY. http://wp.me/pzvIo-bM

April 2016: Springtime in New York – Where Broadway is Blooming
(A preview of Broadway’s spring 2016 season)
Published in Long Island Pulse, NY. http://wp.me/pzvIo-bP

March 2016: A Chance to Shine: Syosset Dons a Shiny New CAP
(A chat with Bruce Grossman, artistic director of Syosset, Long Island’s Cultural Arts Playhouse)
Published in Long Island Pulse, NY. http://wp.me/pzvIo-bU

Feb. 2016: Women on the Verge – Daughters Arrives at the Merrick Theater
(A preview of Daughters, John Morgan Evans’s comedy-drama at Long Island’s Merrick Theater)
Published in Long Island Pulse, NY. http://wp.me/pzvIo-bX

Nov. 2015: The Tin Man Writes a Play Full of Heart
(A profile of playwright Sean Grennan on the eve of his drama, The Tin Woman, opening at Long Island Bay Street Theater)
Published in Long Island Pulse, NY. http://wp.me/pzvIo-cc

Oct. 2015: Lemmon’s Pledge
(An interview with actor-singer Chris Lemmon, son of legendary actor Jack Lemmon)
Published in Long Island Pulse, NY. http://wp.me/pzvIo-cl

Oct. 2015: Theatrical Island Hoppers
(A look at famous theater people born and/or raised on Long Island, including Alec Baldwin, Charles Ludlam, Patti LuPone, Adam Pascal, Idina Menzel, and Edie Falco)
Published on LongIslandPulse.com, NY. http://wp.me/pzvIo-cf

Sept. 2015: Fall Approaches Quietly
(A preview of the fall 2015 Broadway season)
Published in Long Island Pulse, NY. http://wp.me/pzvIo-cp

June 2015: Sincerely Yours, Bay Street Theater
(Featuring interviews with playwright Alena Smith and director Bob Balaban, a preview of the comedy, The New Sincerity before its opening at Long Island’s Bay Street Theater)
Published in Long Island Pulse, NY. http://wp.me/pzvIo-cB

Nov. 2009: Lorraine Bracco on Life as a Post-Doc
(An interview with “Goodfellas” actress Lorraine Bracco)
Published in Long Island Woman, NY. http://wp.me/pzvIo-2p

Oct. 2009: Carrie Fisher – She Moves On
(An interview with “Star Wars” actress Carrie Fisher)
Published in Long Island Woman, NY. http://wp.me/pzvIo-2D

Sept. 2009: Call Her Anna – Patty Duke
(An interview with “Miracle Worker” actress Patty Duke)
Published in Long Island Woman, NY. http://wp.me/pzvIo-2x

Dec. 2008: Curb Your Ensusiessman: The Comedian Speaks Out on Being Fair – and Foul
(An interview with “Curb Your Enthusiasm” comic actress, Susie Essman)
Published in Long Island Woman, NY. http://wp.me/pzvIo-2A

Oct. 2008: Diahann Carroll Looks Back – and Forward
(An interview with Tony-winning actress Diahann Carroll)
Published in Long Island Woman, NY. http://wp.me/pzvIo-2r

Feb. 1977: All About PCC
(A profile of Woodmere, NY’s Peninsula Counseling Center)
Published in: The South Chronicle, Woodmere Junior High School South, Woodmere, NY. https://wp.me/pzvIo-h8

Feb. 1977: Mrs. Kolb’s Corner
(An interview with Barbara Kolb, principal of Junior High School South, Hewlett, NY)
Published in: The South Chronicle, Woodmere Junior High School South, Woodmere, NY. https://wp.me/pzvIo-h4

COLORADO LIMERICKS OF THE DAMNED

©2018 David Lefkowitz

An old diabetic from Akron
Dragged himself to the store on a snack run
While buying his breadsticks
He spied two well-fed chicks
And said, “You look sweeter than sacc’run!”

At a Japanese restaurant in Alamosa
A girl with anorexia nervosa
Was swallowing oodles
Of pukeable noodles
But choked to death on a gyoza

While traveling through Antonito
I met a strange fella named Vito
His extra-large foreskin
Kept adding on more skin
And looked like a giant burrito

A handsome young man from Arriba
Was hung like a baby amoeba
Despite his small cock
The girls would still flock:
He told them he was Justin Bieba

A virginal child in Arvada
Woke up one fine day with stigmata
She bled from her fists
Her tits and her wrists;
She looked like a squashed enchilada

A wizened old floozy from Aspen
Whose voice is all throaty and raspin’
Blames African guys
And their massive size
For leaving her gaggin’ and gaspin’

A creepy eccentric named Walt
Once murdered a waitress in Ault
He sautéed her brains
And all her remains
In garlic, cilantro, and salt

A troubled young Jewess named Norah
Attended a shul in Aurora
She tied up the Rabbi
The Cantor and Gabbai
And sodomized them with a torah

An unlucky farmgirl from Avon
Was humming her favorite song, “Rave On”
She fell in a pit
Of animal shit
And that’s what the town built her grave on

There was a young man from Basalt
Who kept jars of pee in a vault
And when he’d feel tender
He’d whip out a blender
And drink all his piss in a malt

A gifted soul singer from Bayfield
Was beaten to death in a hayfield
His gasping and groans
His hollers and moans
Made me think of a young Curtis Mayfield

A fat politician from Bennett
Was fucking his labrador when it
Jumped up with a shriek
And bit off his cheek
And made him the talk of the Senate

A husky young man from Bonanza
Has muscles just like Tony Danza
But half of his face
Is being replaced
`Cause he’s got malignant skin canza

There was a young lady from Boone
Who kept Cheerios in her poon
When she wasn’t fucking
She’d spend her time plucking
The cereal out with a spoon

A very stern father from Boulder
Was teaching his daughter and told her
If you pick your nose
I’ll cut off your toes
And sever your arm at the shoulder.

One thing I would never have reckoned is
How weird is that geezer in Breckenridge
He keeps his wife’s hair
In an old Frigidaire
And keeps both her legs in a second fridge

A pedophile vicar from Brighton
Found altar boys very excitin’
It felt so intense
When they’d swing their incense
The rim of his asshole would tighten

A tender young lady from Brush
Would turn all the young men to mush
They’d start in one hole
But then lose control
And slide halfway into her tush

For raping a girl and her sista
A pedophile from Buena Vista
Was thrown into Rikers
With big, hairy bikers
And now he takes dicks up his keesta

The orchestra in Castle Rock
Plays naked, but please, do not mock
The drummer is cute
And the guy on the flute
Can play first xylophone with his cock

Don’t pity that pervy millennial
Who’s now doing time in Centennial
`Cause he stuck his noodle
Into his pet poodle
And sodomized his cocker spenniel

A frustrated fellow from Center
Whose girlfriend would not let him enter
One day with a grin
Just bashed her face in
And laughed at her just to torment `er

A hooker from Colorado Springs
Was paid to do acrobatic things
But she was so rough
The men screamed, “Enough!”
And most of them left her in slings

One morning a fellow from Craig
Found scabies all over his leg
He spent all day long
Inspecting his dong
And checking his foreskin for smeg

How proper, how tender, how cute
Was that damsel from old Crested Butte
Who knew that beneath
Her gold hair and white teeth
Lay the heart of a sick prostitutte?

A pregnant young woman from Cripple Creek
Was attacked by a crow with a triple beak
He pecked at her chest
And gnawed at her breast
Till one of her tits sprang a nipple leak

A kind-hearted whore from Dacono
Would spend all her Fridays pro bono
She’d not charge a nickel
To slap, tease, and tickle
Though fucking her ass was a no-no

How bittersweet `tis to remember
The girl that I dated in Denver
We met in the spring
And had quite a fling
Too bad she was dead by December

In the Kiowa County of Eads
Lives a man who adores anal beads
The more he inserts
The harder it hurts
And he bleeds and he bleeds and he bleeds

A tender young schoolboy from Eaton
Was raped and then horribly beaten
His bruises are healing
Except that he’s dealing
With blood that he can’t stop excretin’

Said Jane to her Mackintosh, “Siri,
Tell me, what are the men like in Erie?”
Said Siri, “They’re gross,
Obese and morose
And the backs of their Hanes are all smeary.”

There was a young woman from Estes
Who wouldn’t let men touch her brestes
If they’d even try
She’d look in their eye
And kick `em real hard in the testes

A crazy musician from Evans
Was singing a song to the heavens
He started off tender
But then grabbed his Fender
And cranked all his amps to elevens

There was a young girl from Fort Lupton
Who looked like a twin of Kate Upton
Though she was a virgin
The men kept on urgin’
`Cause that bitch was up for corruptin’

There is a young girl in Fort Morgan
Nice bod, but a face like a gorgon
So what I advise
is aim for her thighs
`Cause you got no eyes in your organ

A chubby young lady in Frisco
Would dance every night at the disco
I kidnapped that ho
And rolled her in dough
I’m frying her slowly in Crisco

A tremulous virgin named Blanche
was kidnapped from old Highlands Ranch
No, she was not raped
In fact, she escaped
by massively shitting her panch

An evil white slaver named Holden
Once kidnapped a woman from Golden
He mailed her out quickly
But she was so sickly
She died in the box she was sold in

A pedophile priest from Grand Junction
Would prey on the youth sans compunction
Though it was a sin
He could not get it in
For he had erectile dysfunction

There is a young woman in Holly
Who’s deeply addicted to Molly
If you have a stash
She’ll give you her cash
And suck on your dick like a lolly

A black college student from Hooper
Was stopped on the road by a trooper
Who treated him rough
And put him in cuffs
and jammed a baton in his pooper

They arrested a fellow from Hotchkiss
`cause there was a girl he would watch piss
He thought he was flirting
that time she was squirting
and he pulled her down for a crotch kiss

The wonderful thing about Hoyt is
It’s just as perverse as Detroit is
There’s threesomes, and four
And orgies galore
The place is a cauldron of coitis

If you’re looking for somewhere fun to go
Then why not vacation in Hugo?
There’s golf and martinis
And girls in bikinis
And clubs where they won’t let a Jew go

How gaily the heart in me sings
For Ida of Idaho Springs
So gentle and pure
So sweet and demure;
I make her do terrible things.

A plucky young lady named Keeley
Would give up her cherry quite freely
But men that she chose
All quivered and froze
`cause her pussy smelled worse than East Greeley

A serial killer from Kersey
Whose victims begged vainly for mersey
Said, “Yes, you will suffer,
but it could be rougher;
at least you don’t live in New Jersey.”

A clever young lady from Kim
Would go every day to the gym
And then for an hour
She’d stand in the shower
To get the stink out of her quim

There was a young hooker from Lakewood
Who wasn’t so cute but could fake good
Why, every last wimp
no matter how limp
would watch her performance and make wood

Three fine violinists from Littleton
Were having a bit too much fiddle fun
To help with these chores
they hired three whores
And viciously gang-raped the middle one

A plucky coal miner from Loveland
Became quite the pervert above land
He’d stuff lumps of coal
Into his asshole
And jerk himself off with his glove hand

There was a cute girl from Manassa
So smart that she got into Vasser
She needn’t do work
`Cause she knows how to jerk
And there isn’t a prof who won’t pass `er

A weightlifting wonder from Marble
Put 600 pounds on his barbell
When hoisting that mass
He ruptured his ass
He’s fine, but the cleanup was hor’ble.

A randy old hooker from Mead
Was very proficient indeed
For she could devour
Twelve clients an hour
And swallow a gallon of seed

A cancer researcher from Meeker
Is also the town’s best-known streaker
He keeps his vaccines
At home in his jeans
But guess where he carries his beaker?

Oh how all the bachelors would shun
That portly old lady from Nunn
She’d sit on their laps
And take mighty craps
That weighed a proverbial ton

A giddy young pervert from Ouray
Loved watching gay porn on his Blu-ray
He’d sit on his thumb
And when actors would cum
He’d wiggle it `round and shout, “Hooray!”

A militant Negro from Parker
Said, “Man, I sure wish I was darker!”
That son of a bitch
Turned darker than pitch
With the help of a black magic marker

An elegant lady from Peetz
Can do quite remarkable feats
Like strike a long match
On the lips of her snatch
And shoot gasoline from her teats

A half-blinded hooker from Rye
Let customers cum in her eye
And though it sounds funny
To make extra money
She’d go into sperm banks and cry

I knew a young lady named Ida
Who worked on a farm in Salida
When she was done mowing
She’d give me some blowing
And let me go halfway insida

A plucky young lady from Severance
Inspires a great deal of reverence
If you have a dick
That’s enormous and thick
She’ll take it all in and she’ll never wince

A succulent lady from Silt
Was physically perfectly built
For even the strongest
The widest and longest
Could stick it in up to the hilt

I once knew a girl in Superior
whose outlook could not have been drearier
I hooked her on meth
and now she’s near death
But damned if she isn’t much cheerier

There is a young lady in Swink
Whose pussy is perfectly pink
But if you get closer
You best hold your nose, sir,
`cause, boy, does it give off a stink

A lesbian lady from Timnath
Was bicycling home on a dim path
Another young dyke
Came by on a bike
So they gave each other a quim bath

A cheerful young psycho named Dale
Dismembered a woman in Vail
He stifled a grin
As he tore off her skin
And stuffed all her guts in a pail

I met a young lady from Victor
As pretty, she was, as a picter
And though she was cute
Her dad was a brute
Who spat on her twat when he licter

A sexy young lady from Vona
Would give all the fellas a bona
For 25 bucks
She’d ride the old fucks
And let them bust in her vajona

A troubled young woman from Ward
was so unbelievably bored
when she birthed her daughter
she drowned her in water
and ate the umbilical cord

A girl that I knew in Woodland Park
Had a swim at the zoo after dark
So free and bucolic,
Her dolphin-filled frolic!
That is, till she met Mr. Shark

A born-again Christian from Wray
Would wake up each morning and pray,
“Lord, thanks for my life,
My children and wife.”
“Oh bullshit,” said God, “You’re gay!”

A naughty old woman from Yampa
Kept vaginal lube in her hamper
She had to confess
Her clothes were a mess
But she sure fucked the hell outta grampa

A crazy zookeeper from Yuma
Had sex with a three-year-old puma
When he was asked why
He started to cry
And blamed it all on his brain tuma

There was a young lady from Johnstown.

She died.

THE END

KISS ME, I’M IRISH

(c)2018 David Lefkowitz
I come from down in Donegal
My family comes from Cork
My sisters live in Sligo
Though my brother’s in New York

My background is a source of pride
I’m Celtic through and through
And that makes me superior
To you and you and you

Now, Ireland isn’t perfect
We’ve had our little wars
We may have spilled some English blood
When settling old scores

But look around Hibernia
And how can you complain?
The grass is green and gorgeous
`cause there’s so much fecking rain

Kiss me, I’m Irish
Touch me, I’m a Turk
Marry me, I’m Mexican
and don’t believe in work

It doesn’t matter where you’re from
Or what your parents think
So kiss me on the Blarney Stone
And buy me one more drink.

The home of Sean O’Casey
And heavy woolen clothes
There’s Bono and there’s Enya
Apologies for those

The fighting and starvation
They show that we are tough
And when it comes to booze and sex
We never get enough, so

Kiss me, I’m Irish
French me, I’m French
Squeeze me, please, I’m Portuguese
If you can stand the stench

It doesn’t matter where you’re from
Or if you’re straight or queer
Just kiss me on St. Patrick’s Day
And buy me one more beer.

Now, you might call me racist
For mocking what I hate
But bashing Jews and towelheads
Is kind of fucking great!

I know that I’m a drunkard
With a three-inch, flaccid penis
But I feel like a porn star
when I’m guzzling my Guinness

There’s nothing we love better
Than a bonny, red-haired girl
To bring her on a date
where we can drink until we hurl

Sure, girls from other lands are fine
But an Irish female’s finer
`Cause she has fluffy flaming fecking hair
`round her vaginer!

Kiss me, I’m Irish
Lick me, I’m a Swede
Shake my hand, I’m African
And all I do is breed

It doesn’t matter where you’re from
Or if you’re lower class
So kiss me down in Dublin town
And buy me one more glass.

(slower)
It doesn’t matter where you’re from
Or if you’re short or tall
Just kiss me, I’m Irish
And give me alkyhol.

*****
NOTES & BACKSTORY:
With yet another St. Patrick’s Day approaching—and an episode of my radio show, Dave’s Gone By, airing live on that 2018 day, I wanted to do a Saturday Segue of my homegrown Irish tunes. Since all the songs (e.g., “Drink `Til I’m Drunk,” “Cover’d with Crap,” and “Seamus, the Urine Man”) had previously aired on the program, I wanted to concoct a new tune to make the segue special.
The title came first, and I knew I wanted something both lively and offensive. The chorus got things rolling, as did the idea of making the narrator gleefully racist about other cultures. The more ballad-y bits came a day later, and the whole piece was finished on March 7 in a piano practice room at my university. After returning from a short trip to Cincinnati, I grabbed my Yamaha keyboard and recorded the tune, which can be heard here: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=11986 or on youtube: https://youtu.be/CMXWtOvUUCk.
My favorite things about the song? A couple of lines still make me laugh (even though I know they’re coming), and I’m proud of having two time signatures (3/4 and 4/4) and three very different sections of the song that somehow really fit together musically.

SONG: Off Colour

OFF COLOUR

(c)2018 David Lefkowitz

(Sung to the melody of Donovan’s “Colours”)

Yellow is the color of my grandma’s pants
When I change them, twice a day
Yes, I change them, but it’s okay
`Cause in time
`Cause in time
I’ll get what’s mine

Green is the color of my grandma’s teeth
In the evening, in a glass
When I wipe her bony ass
There’ll come a time
There’ll come a time
When I won’t mind

Blue is the color of the bruise on her arm
When I make her take her pill
When I make her sign her will
There’ll be time
There’ll be time
I’ll get what’s mine

Brown is the color of her casket lid
in the graveyard where she lies
Hey, it’s normal, everyone dies
So I’m fine
Yeah, I’m just fine
It was her time

Black is the color of the ink on her will
That the lawyer stamps and signs
That the lawyer stamps and signs
It’s all fine
On the dotted line
And now it’s mine

Green is the color of my bank account
Thank you, grandma!

********************
NOTES & BACKSTORY:

This came to me, for absolutely no reason, when I was sitting in my car at a traffic light. I’ve known the Donovan song for 40 odd years, but suddenly the idea of colors being applied to a wizened senior struck me as a can’t-miss opportunity. In fact, the first line that occurred to me—“blue is the color of my grandma’s hair”—never made it into the final song. After a couple of days’ thought, on Feb. 26, 2018, I found the song’s story (a grandson copes with tending to nana’s wretched needs by keeping his eyes on the prize), and the lyrics were finished off in about half an hour. An hour or so later, I even had the video up: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=11941.

SONG: AR-15

AR-15

©2018 David Lefkowitz

(Sung to the melody of Richard M. Sherman & Robert Sherman’s “You’re Sixteen”)
I’ll walk into the school
Feeling so cool
Everything’s gonna be fine
AR-15, you’re deadly, and you’re mine

I’m all ready to kill
Fire at will
Shoot some kids in the spine
AR-15, you’re deadly, and you’re mine

You’re my rifle
You’re my gun
I’m gonna point you at everyone
The graceful girls
The popular jocks
I wish I had some more bump stocks

I’ll walk out of the school
And into the yard
Join the other kids in a line
AR-15, you’re deadly, and you’re mine.

Get revenge with lethal force
Tell my lawyer I’m feelin’ remorse
Democrats scream
Republicans pray
God, how I love the N.R.A.

`Cause I’m Nikolas Cruz
All over the news
Sure wish I had a TEC-9
AR-15, you’re deadly, and you’re mine
AR-15, you’re deadly, and you’re mine
AR-15, you’re brutal, and you’re fine

All die, all die, all die
all die, all die, all die, all die, all die
All die, all die, all die, seventeen times.

************
NOTES & BACKSTORY:
On Valentine’s Day 2018, 19-year-old Nikolas Cruz returned to the high school from which he was expelled and, carrying an AR-15 semi-automatic rifle, shot 32 people, wounding 15 and killing 17. This was immediately followed by the usual cacophony of liberals calling for gun control and Republicans saying that would be politicizing a tragedy and that we should all pray for the victims instead. As someone who doesn’t think reasonable gun control contradicts the second amendment, and, more importantly, as someone who loves pushing the envelope with sick songs, I thought it would be fun to pen a ditty from Cruz’s perspective. As a kid, I loved Ringo Starr’s version of the Sherman Brothers’ “Your Sixteen,” and somehow, a day after the slaughter, the song popped into my mind (especially thanks to the sixteen/fifteen similarity).
It wasn’t until I started putting a homemade rendition of the song (using a karaoke backing track) on Audacity a day later that I thought of including sound bytes. Those, with interjections by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, President Donald Trump, House Speaker Paul Ryan, and Lori Alhadeff, the mother of one of the victims, ended up turning the finished song into a more serious plea for gun control than the lyrics alone show. And if you’re keeping score, this adds to my roster of compositions whose protagonists are murdering psychos (“Killing the Candidates,” “Psycho Blues,” “Bad, Bad Man,” “Sugar, Spice, and a Very Sharp Axe,” “A Day in the Life (of a Psychopath),” etcetera, etcetera, and so forth.

To hear my rendition of “AR-15,” here’s the youtube link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QMQ9mutrCuc&feature=youtu.be