Below please find a list of many of my songs — funny, serious, satirical, dark — with links to their lyrics on this website. Many of these songs were performed on my radio program, Dave’s Gone By, or may be heard on my youtube channel.
For more information, including rights and permissions, please contact me at davesgoneby_at_aol.com.

All songs (c) by David Lefkowitz, unless otherwise noted.


ALEPH BAIS (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6b
(a fat-free parody tune from a Rabbi’s perspective when he teaches Bar Mitzvah bochers their Haftorah portions)

ALMOST A SONNET (1981): http://wp.me/pzvIo-O
(a lightly serious love song with a nod to the bard)

AMAGANSETT PRINCESS (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-T
(a fairly serious song about a girl looking for all the wrong things in all the wrong ways)

ANAL DREIDEL (2007, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3y
(Thanks to a new medical procedure, Rabbi Sol Solomon discovers a new toy…and talent)

THE ANSWERS TO BLOWING IN THE WIND (1980): https://wp.me/pzvIo-eJ
(Who said the questions had to be rhetorical?)

THE ANTLERS ARE BLOWING IN THE WIND (aka “Moose You Around”) (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-2g
(An absurdly romantic waltz)

AR-15 (2018): https://wp.me/pzvIo-gh
(Yet another real-life psychopath turning a school into a mausoleum)

BACH PRELUDE #1 IN F.U. MAJOR: https://wp.me/pzvIo-fn
(A goofy plateful of hateful)

BAD, BAD MAN (2017): https://wp.me/pzvIo-eD
(Yet another sociopath doing satistic things, parodically)

THE BAGEL BOAT SONG (1985, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-13
(A “Banana Boat Song” parody, kosher-style, which was performed in the stage play, Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon)

THE BALLAD OF PETE TOWNSHEND (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3A
(A tune penned when The Who balladeer was having legal troubles with the interwebs)

THE BALLAD OF TEENY PEENIE (1985, co=author: Scott Rodolitz): http://wp.me/pzvIo-16
(A silly song. Infantile even)

BAXTER HOLVOE’S VOLVO SONG (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8v
(A creepily comic ballad for a sociopathic seducer. Ah, love!)

BEFORE THE GOLDRUSH (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-19
(A semi-serious song about the way rock bands rise and crash.)

BEN GAZZARA (1994): http://wp.me/pzvIo-2d
(A deeply earnest lament about missing this fine actor — written many years before he’d actually died)

BETTER DO IT NOW (1984, auths: Scott Rodolitz, Jay Auerfeld, and Kevin Gerber): http://wp.me/pzvIo-9t
(Wish I’d written this catchy, sharp song about Long Island life, but I didn’t. My bandmates did.)

CAPTAIN LIFLANDER’S MADRIGAL (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3C
(A satirical tune about American exceptionalism and weaponry)

CAUGHT (w.t.c.o.h.c.) (1986): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1f
(A thoroughly reprehensible comic song about a young girl’s evening proclivities)

CHANUKAH WISHES (2008): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3E
(A comic song about a Jewish boy’s true hopes for the Chanukah holiday)

CHERRY ON TOP (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1k
(A satirical tune mocking 1980s Long Island youth culture, such as it was)

COMING AND GOING (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1q
(A downright depressing song about friendship and betrayal)

COMMUTED SENTENCE (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-e2
(A serious number about the, um, joys of commuting to and from NYC

CONSTIPATED (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6T
(A parody song about a poor woman whose stones aren’t rolling)

COVER’D WITH CRAP (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3G
(A comical and aptly disgusting sea shanty)

CRACK OF A WHITE MAN’S ASS (1992): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8t
(A song as anatomical as it is comical)

CRAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN (2008): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3I
(A song parody penned in the midst of the recession)

CRIMINAL JUSTICE (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1u
(A song parody of Joe Cuba’s “Bang Bang” featuring a very bad mother)

DAMN SCHOOL, APPROXIMATELY (1979): https://wp.me/pzvIo-er
(A Dylan song parody knocking and mocking the education system

A DAY IN THE LIFE (OF A PSYCHOPATH) (1979): https://wp.me/pzvIo-fC
(I wrote about a sociopath today, oh boy)

DAYENU (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-46
(A Passover parody song that thanks God for…well, something)

DEAD AIR (1985, co-author: Scott Rodolitz): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1A
(A fairly serious tune about the ills of American radio)

DEAD BLOWFISH (2015): http://wp.me/pzvIo-49
(A parody of “Dead Puppies” dedicated, with apologies, to Miley Cyrus’s departed pet)

DEEP IN THE HEART OF DALLAS (2016): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4d
(In response to the Black Lives Matter movement, a darkly satirical song parody of “Deep in the Heart of Texas”)

A DINGO ATE MY BABY (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3t
(A darkly comical number, to be bellowed in a thick Aussie accent)

DO THE ONION (2008): http://wp.me/pzvIo-9f
(A slow, gloomy dance for people who have no interest in dancing)

DO THE PHOENIX (1994): http://wp.me/pzvIo-2j
(A darkly satirical song instructing lucky teens on how they can die just like River Phoenix)

DON’T MESS WITH US (2003, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4h
(A plucky tune, loosely based on an old Yiddish melody, about Jews’ resiliency)

DON’T THINK TWICE, JUST GO (2009): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4m
(A song parody of Bob Dylan’s “Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright,” dedicated to GWB)

DRINK TILL I’M DRUNK (2010): https://wp.me/pzvIo-fg
(A jolly Irish song about Irish activities)

ELEPHANT WOMAN WANT GO HOME (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8H
(An a cappella, call-and-response tune perfect for hauling…stuff)

ENEMA BLUES (1978): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5o
(A happily Elvis-ish tune about going with the flow)

EVERY DAY ON THE 5:09 (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1N
(A fairly serious song about enduring life on the Long Island Rail Road)

FLOWERS WEREN’T MEANT TO LAST (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4p
(The plaintive complaint of a singer-songwriter)

FRONTAL LOBOTOMY BLUES (1979 co-author: Scott Rodolitz, revised 2006): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1J
(With apologies to “Mannish Boy,” a sick tune about a sick tot)

FUN IN THE KITCHEN (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5r
(A sick calypso ditty that will not be a hit with PETA)

(I’M HAVING A) GAY CHRISTMAS (2004, co-author: Peter Fitzgerald): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4u
(A pervy nod to alternative holiday celebrations)

GO CIALIS (2014): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4A
(To the tune of “White Rabbit,” this pharmaceutical tribute rocks, um, harder)

(see listing under MY FOOT)

HE’S GOT THE SHITHOLE WORLD (IN HIS HANDS) (2018): https://wp.me/pzvIo-g3
(A timely immigration song for our President)

HELLUVA LIFE (1979): https://wp.me/pzvIo-fs
(The joys of castration, Bee Gees style)

HERE’S TO THE HIGH SCHOOL (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5t
(A bitter alma mater for bitter alma martyrs)

HOLIDAY CONGA (co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon, 2008): https://wp.me/pzvIo-gt
(The beauty of Jewish holidays is not their sacredness or spirituality; it’s that there’s so many of `em)

I KNOW WHAT GOYS LIKE (2012): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4G
(A parody tune, co-written with Rabbi Sol Solomon for his stage show, Shalom, Dammit!)

I THOUGHT ABOUT YOU (author: Scott Rodolitz, 1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-dU
(A catchy tune about finding the right girl at the wrong time)

I WANNA DECOMPOSE (1979, co-author: Scott Rodolitz): https://wp.me/pzvIo-f3
(Nihilism at its goofiest)

I WANNA HOLD YOUR STUMP (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5H
(Look ma, a Beatles song parody with no hands!)

I’M GONNA PISS MYSELF (2017): https://wp.me/pzvIo-ev
(A Beatles parody about something yellow that isn’t a submarine)

I’M ME (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8K
(A jaunty tune celebrating the self)

I’M TOO SEXY (FOR MY PROSTATE) (2017, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-cN
(A parodic disco ditty about the Rabbi’s various ailments)

IN HIS ASS (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-ea
(A spirited spiritual about items actually inserted by people into their interstices)

IS IT GOOD FOR THE JEWS (2004, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4J
(A Yiddishy ditty that asks the age-old question)

IT WAS AN ALL RIGHT DAY (2017, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-70
(a parody of Ice Cube’s “It was a Good Day” from a Jewish perspective.)

IT’S A STIFF (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4M
(a dark song parody, to “Let it Snow,” about a true New York story)

JEOPARDY KEN (2004): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4P
(A song parody, to the Beatles’ “The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill,” written to celebrate “Jeopardy” celeb Ken Jennings)

JERREE (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-dx
(Jerry Lewis is no longer with us, but don’t tell that to the retarded boy who loves him…)

THE JERRY LEWIS TELETHON HOP (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-dv
(Penned by Scott Rodolitz and Kevin Gerber, a mostly instrumental tribute to the nutty telethon host)

JOEY, THE SPASTIC KANGAROO (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4R
(A bouncy comic tune about an Aussie animal that bounces too freely)

KENNEDY CAR CAR (fka Song for Ted Kennedy) (1980): http://wp.me/pzvIo-de
(A folkie number about the chap acquitted)

KILLIN’ THE CANDIDATES (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5J
(A darkly comic look at the trigger happy)

KISS ME, I’M IRISH (2018): https://wp.me/pzvIo-gA
(A song for the Irishman in all of us)

THE KOSHER HOT DOG PICNIC (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-as
(A children’s folk song about–what else?–depravity)

LA-LA LAND (1988): http://wp.me/pzvIo-J
(A song parody of John Denver’s “Leaving on a Jet Plane” written specifically for a “Howard Stern Show” contest)

LADY LIBERTY (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5L
(A playful number about a statuesque lady)

LAMENT #9 (1982): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5P
(If John Lennon heard this song parody, he’d primal scream)

LET HIM PEE (1979): https://wp.me/pzvIo-ez
(Even early on, I was a “whiz” at Beatles parodies)

LOOK WHAT THEY DONE TO MY HEAD, MA (2004): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4U
(With apologies to Melanie, a dark song parody for the age of terrorism)

M-O-T-H-E-R (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4Z
(Inspired by moms and Theodore Morse & Howard Johnson’s alphabetical tribute to them)

MADE IN THE USA (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5X
(With apologies to The Boss, a parody song of planned obsolescence)

MAKIN’ POOPIES (2004): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4W
(A song parody for when you’re in the dumps)

THE MARRIAGE SONG (All You Do is Bitch) (2013): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3w
(A marital song parody of Lennon-McCartney’s “All You Need is Love”)

ME (1988): http://wp.me/pzvIo-20
(A joyfully comical-egocentrical tune)

MEM’RIES OF SCRANTON (1988): http://wp.me/pzvIo-9h
(A country-tinged, comical tune about family travels)

MICHAEL, ROW (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-65
(An environmentally conscious song parody)

MONSTERS OF THE WORLD (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-67
(A political song, both serious and ambivalent. Oh joy.)

(see listed under The Antlers are Blowing in the Wind)

THE MOST OFFENSIVE SONG EVER WRITTEN (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-7G
(No, really, it’s vile. I dare you…)

MY BLUES (1979): https://wp.me/pzvIo-fd
(A disease parody from my diseased mind)

MY DOGGY’S CHRISTMAS GIFT (2004): http://wp.me/pzvIo-51
(A comical tune about how to keep your pet happy during the holidays)

MY FOOT (aka Happy Foot Song) (1990): http://wp.me/pzvIo-7C
(A comical marching tune about our neglected tootsies)

MY LADY’S A WILD BUZZARD (1979): https://wp.me/pzvIo-f5
(A tender parodic ballad extolling the behavior of a harridan)

NADINE (written by Scott Rodolitz, Jay Auerfeld & Kevin Gerber; 1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-dA
(A doo-wop number about teenage love…from behind)

NAPERVILLE (1989): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1V
(A comical tribute to a somewhat underrated Chicago suburb)

THE NIPPLE SONG (1980): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6s
(A celebration of all things nipular)

NIRVANITY (2002): http://wp.me/pzvIo-54
(A parody with all apologies to the late Kurt Cobain)

NOT A FRIEND (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6y
(A serious tune about the limits of platonics)

NOT THE CLAM BAR (1983): http://wp.me/pzvIo-da
(A Clash parody that chooses pastrami over prawns)

NOTHING IN THIS WORLD (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6C
(A seriously depressing song about about muddling through the mundane)

OFF COLOUR (2018): https://wp.me/pzvIo-gm
(A parody song for, and about, young and old)


OH DAT BEN (2015): http://wp.me/pzvIo-56
(A wry tribute to the early years of presidential candidate Ben Carson)

OH, MY LOVE (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-61
(A serious love song from a long time back)

ORGY BOY (1987): http://wp.me/pzvIo-22
(A joyfully depraved comic tune about naughty activities)

OY OY (2015, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-58
(A not-so-traditional Jewish hand-clapping song)

PHOENIX ENVY (2004): https://wp.me/pzvIo-fU
(A song for when Glen Campbell was more naughty than tragic)

PISHES SWEETER THAN WINE (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5a
(A parody song about the fountain of aging)

THE PITY ME I’M POLISH POLKA (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5d
(Well, at least it’s not an oberek)

PSYCHO BLUES (2006): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1C
(A darkly comic tune about the activities of a psychopath. Not autobiographical)

PUBIC HAIR (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8M
(An ode to our nether feathers)

RABBI PEARL’S LAMENT (aka “The Schvartze Rubbed My Shmekel”) (1987, co-author Jeff Rothstein): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6G
(A comical cautionary tale for a man of soiled cloth)

(How the good Rabbi opens his sermons)

RAIN ON THE BORDERLINE (1986): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6K
(A bit of unhappiness, in serious song form)

THE RECTUM OF EDMUND FITZGERALD (2004): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5l
(With apologies to Gordon Lightfoot and a lot of dead sailors, a dark parody tune inspired by a true Long Island travesty)

RING MY BELL (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-94
(A joyful number in Wild Man Fischer style)

SANDY DUNCAN’S EYE (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5x
(a rhythmic and visionary tribute)

SANTA QUITS (2012): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6h
(a mashup piece, in Buchanan & Goodman style, using short samples from other artists).

SANTASIA (2004): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6m
(a not-safe-for-the-north-pole holiday poem about Santa’s depravity)

SEAMUS THE URINE MAN (1998): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6p
(An Irish tune, based on the true story of a Dublin shop owner with a unique bouquet)

SEW BUTTONS (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8Y
(A bit of pure absurdist whimsy, with sprinkle of Wild Man Fischer)

SEX WITH A CHICKEN (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-9R
(A comical song for the bestial years of our lives)

SHAKING LIKE A MONKEY (1992): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1Q
(an absurdly happy comic tune about, well, doing the title)

SHEEP ARE MOIST (1982): http://wp.me/pzvIo-7J
(A comical, country-folk number that became the anthem of the band I was in at the time, The Moist Sheep)

THE SHIT SONG (2012, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6X
(A comic ditty about world religions penned for the stage play, Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon)

SNIPER’S LULLABY (2002): http://wp.me/pzvIo-aE
(Written for my radio show, a song–to the tune of “Hobo’s Lullaby”–to celebrate the capture of the Beltway snipers)

(A parody, of course, about rampant corruption, of course)

SUGAR, SPICE, AND A VERY SHARP AXE (co-author, Scott Rodolitz; 1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-dh
(Lizzie Borden has nothing on this girl)

SWIMAWAY (2005): http://wp.me/pzvIo-ax
(A parody song inspired by the 2004 Indonesian tsunami, yet another iteration of “Mbube/Wimoweh/The Lion Sleeps Tonight)”

TAKE YOUR UNDEROOS DOWN (The Rolf Harris Song) (2014): http://wp.me/pzvIo-7w
(A Rolf Harris parody…and pillory)

TEN MORAY EELS (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8B
(A strange poetic chant for those who find the little Indians too un-P.C.)

(see listing under RABBI PEARL’S LAMENT)

THEN YOU’RE JEWISH (2012, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-73
(A comic ditty about modern Jewish life. The song is performed in the first act of the stage play, Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon)

THIS ONE’S FOR YOU (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5j
(The second — yes, second — song I wrote about enemas…and hopefully not the last)

THE TRICKLE-DOWN LULLABY (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-2a
(A darkly satirical number about a desperate man. The piece was written with stage directions and can be performed as a brief one-act solo)

THE TWELVE PERVERSIONS OF CHRISTMAS (aka “Oh Cum All Ye Faithful”) (1979, co-author: Scott Rodolitz): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6O
(The melody is traditional the exploits are not)

TUMOR IN MY HEAD (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8a
(A jaunty, non-autobiographical tune)

VEGETABLES ARE BAD FOR YOU (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-7L
(A comical country song about mercy killin’. Yee haw)

WAKKA WAKKA BOOM BOOM PIG (2001): http://wp.me/pzvIo-9o
(Penned in Italy and dedicated to the man selling splat pigs there)

WALK ON THE WEIRD SIDE (1980): http://wp.me/pzvIo-do
(And you thought Lou Reed was kinky?)

WHAT AM I? (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8j
(A joyful song of the self)

WHEN I’M NINETY-THREE (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-dq
(A parodic ode to decrepitude)

THE WHITE JEW BLUES (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-7S
(Kind of an “oy is me” song for members of the tribe)

THE WORST SONG EVER WRITTEN (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-7y
(A love song utilizing every possible cliche and groaner rhyme. Someone should sing it through a megaphone)

YESHIVA BOY (2011, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5U
(A bouncy Bob Seger parody that served as the opening number of Shalom Dammit!)

YAYS AND BOOZE (1979): https://wp.me/pzvIo-fi
(A parody ballad with a rather startling blood-alcohol content)

YOU DON’T GET ME HIGH (1980): https://wp.me/pzvIo-eO
(A song parody about love gone up in smoke)

YOUR MEAT’S TOO BIG (2008): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5A
(In Fats Waller parodies, size matters)



KAREN ALLEN (actress, May 2017):

BOB BALABAN (actor-director, June 2015):

ANNE BASS (Lantern Theater executive producer, March 2017):

VALERIE BERTINELLI (actress, March 2017):

LORRAINE BRACCO (actress, Nov. 2009):

DIAHANN CARROLL (actress, Oct. 2008):

LYNDA CARTER (actress, Oct. 2017):

PATTY DUKE (actress, Sept. 2009):

SUSIE ESSMAN (actress, Dec. 2008):

JULES FEIFFER (author-cartoonist, April 2017):

CARRIE FISHER (actress, Oct. 2009):

TONY GEORGAN (Merrick Theater founder, Feb. 2016):

SEAN GRENNAN (playwright, Nov. 2015):

BRUCE GROSSMAN (Cultural Arts Playhouse producer, March 2016):

CHRISTOPHER HACKERT (playwright, May 2017):

CHERYL HINES (actress, Sept. 2017):

ALLISON JANNEY (actress, April 2017):

BILLIE JEAN KING (athlete, Jan. 2017):

TARMO KIRSIMAE (director, Feb. 2016):

CHRIS LEMMON (actor-singer, Oct. 2015):

OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN (actress-singer, July 2017):

KELLI O’HARA (actress, Dec. 2017):

PAULA POUNDSTONE (comedian, Nov. 2017):

JEFFREY SANZEL (Theater Three artistic director, Sept. 2016):

ALENA SMITH (playwright, June 2015):

JONATHAN TOLINS (playwright, May 2016):

Click the links for David Lefkowitz’s oeuvre, which he hopes you’ll loeuvre.



PLAYS: Full Length:
PLAYS: One-Acts:

POEMS: Humorous:






FISH IN THE DARK (Broadway, July 2015):

THE GIN GAME (Broadway, Dec. 2015):

HAND TO GOD (Broadway, July 2015):


THE PLAY THAT GOES WRONG (Broadway, July 2017):

THAT PHYSICS SHOW (off-Broadway, July 2016):



©2018 David Lefkowitz

(Sung to the melody of Richard M. Sherman & Robert Sherman’s “You’re Sixteen”)
I’ll walk into the school
Feeling so cool
Everything’s gonna be fine
AR-15, you’re deadly, and you’re mine

I’m all ready to kill
Fire at will
Shoot some kids in the spine
AR-15, you’re deadly, and you’re mine

You’re my rifle
You’re my gun
I’m gonna point you at everyone
The graceful girls
The popular jocks
I wish I had some more bump stocks

I’ll walk out of the school
And into the yard
Join the other kids in a line
AR-15, you’re deadly, and you’re mine.

Get revenge with lethal force
Tell my lawyer I’m feelin’ remorse
Democrats scream
Republicans pray
God, how I love the N.R.A.

`Cause I’m Nikolas Cruz
All over the news
Sure wish I had a TEC-9
AR-15, you’re deadly, and you’re mine
AR-15, you’re deadly, and you’re mine
AR-15, you’re brutal, and you’re fine

All die, all die, all die
all die, all die, all die, all die, all die
All die, all die, all die, seventeen times.

On Valentine’s Day 2018, 19-year-old Nikolas Cruz returned to the high school from which he was expelled and, carrying an AR-15 semi-automatic rifle, shot 32 people, wounding 15 and killing 17. This was immediately followed by the usual cacophony of liberals calling for gun control and Republicans saying that would be politicizing a tragedy and that we should all pray for the victims instead. As someone who doesn’t think reasonable gun control contradicts the second amendment, and, more importantly, as someone who loves pushing the envelope with sick songs, I thought it would be fun to pen a ditty from Cruz’s perspective. As a kid, I loved Ringo Starr’s version of the Sherman Brothers’ “Your Sixteen,” and somehow, a day after the slaughter, the song popped into my mind (especially thanks to the sixteen/fifteen similarity).
It wasn’t until I started putting a homemade rendition of the song (using a karaoke backing track) on Audacity a day later that I thought of including sound bytes. Those, with interjections by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, President Donald Trump, House Speaker Paul Ryan, and Lori Alhadeff, the mother of one of the victims, ended up turning the finished song into a more serious plea for gun control than the lyrics alone show. And if you’re keeping score, this adds to my roster of compositions whose protagonists are murdering psychos (“Killing the Candidates,” “Psycho Blues,” “Bad, Bad Man,” “Sugar, Spice, and a Very Sharp Axe,” “A Day in the Life (of a Psychopath),” etcetera, etcetera, and so forth.

To hear my rendition of “AR-15,” here’s the youtube link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QMQ9mutrCuc&feature=youtu.be


(c)2018 David Lefkowitz

I come from down in Donegal
My family comes from Cork
My sisters live in Sligo
Though my brother’s in New York

My background is a source of pride
I’m Celtic through and through
And that makes me superior
To you and you and you

Now, Ireland isn’t perfect
We’ve had our little wars
We may have spilled some English blood
When settling old scores

But look around Hibernia
And how can you complain?
The grass is green and gorgeous
`cause there’s so much fecking rain

Kiss me, I’m Irish
Touch me, I’m a Turk
Marry me, I’m Mexican
and don’t believe in work

It doesn’t matter where you’re from
Or what your parents think
So kiss me on the Blarney Stone
And buy me one more drink.

The home of Sean O’Casey
And heavy woolen clothes
There’s Bono and there’s Enya
Apologies for those

The fighting and starvation
They show that we are tough
And when it comes to booze and sex
We never get enough, so

Kiss me, I’m Irish
French me, I’m French
Squeeze me, please, I’m Portuguese
If you can stand the stench

It doesn’t matter where you’re from
Or if you’re straight or queer
Just kiss me on St. Patrick’s Day
And buy me one more beer.

Now, you might call me racist
For mocking what I hate
But bashing Jews and towelheads
Is kind of fucking great!

I know that I’m a drunkard
With a three-inch, flaccid penis
But I feel like a porn star
when I’m guzzling my Guinness

There’s nothing we love better
Than a bonny, red-haired girl
To bring her on a date
where we can drink until we hurl

Sure, girls from other lands are fine
But an Irish female’s finer
`Cause she has fluffy flaming fecking hair
`round her vaginer!

Kiss me, I’m Irish
Lick me, I’m a Swede
Shake my hand, I’m African
And all I do is breed

It doesn’t matter where you’re from
Or if you’re lower class
So kiss me down in Dublin town
And buy me one more glass.

It doesn’t matter where you’re from
Or if you’re short or tall
Just kiss me, I’m Irish
And give me alkyhol.

With yet another St. Patrick’s Day approaching—and an episode of my radio show, Dave’s Gone By, airing live on that 2018 day, I wanted to do a Saturday Segue of my homegrown Irish tunes. Since all the songs (e.g., “Drink `Til I’m Drunk,” “Cover’d with Crap,” and “Seamus, the Urine Man”) had previously aired on the program, I wanted to concoct a new tune to make the segue special.
The title came first, and I knew I wanted something both lively and offensive. The chorus got things rolling, as did the idea of making the narrator gleefully racist about other cultures. The more ballad-y bits came a day later, and the whole piece was finished on March 7 in a piano practice room at my university. After returning from a short trip to Cincinnati, I grabbed my Yamaha keyboard and recorded the tune, which can be heard here: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=11986 or on youtube: https://youtu.be/CMXWtOvUUCk.
My favorite things about the song? A couple of lines still make me laugh (even though I know they’re coming), and I’m proud of having two time signatures (3/4 and 4/4) and three very different sections of the song that somehow really fit together musically.


©2018 David Lefkowitz

(sung to the melody of the traditional spiritual, “He’s Got the Whole World In his Hands”)

He’s got the shithole world in his hands
He’s got the shithole world in his hands
He’s got the shithole world in his hands
He’s got the whole shithole in his hands

He’s got Pakistan and Haiti in his hands
He’s got the Cuban and Kuwaiti in his hands
He’s got Ned and Warren Beatty in his hands
He’s got the whole shithole in his hands

He’s got Suriname and China in his hands
He’s got Chad and Argentina in his hands
He’s got the Faso that’s Burkina in his hands
He’s got the whole shithole in his hands

He’s got Cameroon and Cuba in his hands
He’s got murder in Aruba in his hands
He’s got boys who play the tuba in his hands
He’s got the whole shithole in his hands

He’s got Syria and Thailand in his hands
He’s got each Marshall Island in his hands
This land ain’t your land or my land, in his hands
He’s got the whole shithole in his hands

If you aren’t a Caucasian in this land
If you’re of African persuasion in this land
We’re gonna stop your invasion of this land
`Cause our shithole’s bigger than yours

So if you’re standing in the doorway of our land
Turn around and go back your way from our land
Unless you are from Norway to our land
He’s got the whole shithole in his hands

He’s got the shithole world in his hands
He’s got the shithole world in his hands
He’s got the shithole world in his hands
He’s got the whole shithole in his hands



Penned Jan. 12, 2018 specifically for performance on my weekly radio show, Dave’s Gone By, this tune was a fun reaction to reports of a meeting about immigration with congressional lawmakers in which President Trump allegedly asked the assembled, “Why are we having all these people from shithole countries come here?” Trump detractors saw this as the culmination of his history of racially insensitive remarks, while defenders noted that if these countries weren’t shitholes, why were all these immigrants so desperate to jump ship? For me, the whole tempest was just an excuse to revel in the sight—and sound—of all these serious newscasters endlessly repeating the word “shithole” with a straight face (that means you, CNN’s Don Lemon!).
Oh, and speaking of keeping score, this is my second song parody of “He’s Got the Whole World in his Hands.” The first was 2017’s “In his Ass.” Shitholes, indeed.

SONG: Off Colour


(c)2018 David Lefkowitz

(Sung to the melody of Donovan’s “Colours”)

Yellow is the color of my grandma’s pants
When I change them, twice a day
Yes, I change them, but it’s okay
`Cause in time
`Cause in time
I’ll get what’s mine

Green is the color of my grandma’s teeth
In the evening, in a glass
When I wipe her bony ass
There’ll come a time
There’ll come a time
When I won’t mind

Blue is the color of the bruise on her arm
When I make her take her pill
When I make her sign her will
There’ll be time
There’ll be time
I’ll get what’s mine

Brown is the color of her casket lid
in the graveyard where she lies
Hey, it’s normal, everyone dies
So I’m fine
Yeah, I’m just fine
It was her time

Black is the color of the ink on her will
That the lawyer stamps and signs
That the lawyer stamps and signs
It’s all fine
On the dotted line
And now it’s mine

Green is the color of my bank account
Thank you, grandma!


This came to me, for absolutely no reason, when I was sitting in my car at a traffic light. I’ve known the Donovan song for 40 odd years, but suddenly the idea of colors being applied to a wizened senior struck me as a can’t-miss opportunity. In fact, the first line that occurred to me—“blue is the color of my grandma’s hair”—never made it into the final song. After a couple of days’ thought, on Feb. 26, 2018, I found the song’s story (a grandson copes with tending to nana’s wretched needs by keeping his eyes on the prize), and the lyrics were finished off in about half an hour. An hour or so later, I even had the video up: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=11941.



Nov. 2017: Ping Pong, Pop Tarts, and Pineapples – Comedian Paula Poundstone on the Rewards of Moving Forward
(An interview with comedian Paula Poundstone)

Oct. 2017: It’s a Wonder-ful Life: Lynda Carter on Music, Money and That Role
(An interview with actress, model, and the original “Wonder Woman,” Lynda Carter)

Sept. 2017: Psyched: Cheryl Hines on Acting, Reacting, and the Kennedy Blessing
(An interview with Curb Your Enthusiasm actress Cheryl Hines)

Sept. 2017: A Band, A Butterfly, and a Bob – Broadway Greets the Autumn
(A preview of Broadway’s fall 2017 season)

July 2017: Sometimes a Grain of Sand – Olivia Newton-John Reflects on Glory and Grief
(An interview with pop songstress and actress Olivia Newton John)

May 2017: Karen Allen and the World of Yes
(An interview with “Raiders” actress Karen Allen about her latest film project, “A Year by the Sea”)

May 2017: In Bloom – Christopher Hackert Gets his Theatrical Wish
(A profile of longtime Long Island florist–and playwright–Christopher Hackert)

April 2017: The Ceiling’s the Limit: Jules Feiffer Collaborates on a New Musical
(An interview with Pulitzer-winning cartoonist Jules Feiffer about his work on The Man in the Ceiling, a musical premiering at Long Island’s Bay Street Theater)

April 2017: To the Oval Office from the Bunion Derby: Allison Janney’s Slow Rise to Stardom
(An interview with “West Wing” and theater actress Allison Janney

March 2017: Spring on Broadway – Old Friends and Oddballs
(A preview of Broadway’s spring 2017 season)

March 2017: Valerie Bertinelli – Taking Life one Dish at a Time
(An interview with “One Day at a Time” and cooking-show star, Valerie Bertinelli)

Jan. 2017: Serving Love – Billie Jean King Still Winning for All of Us
(An interview with tennis legend and activist, Billie Jean King)

Dec. 2016: Kelli O’Hara on Living the Theater Life
(An interview with Tony-winning actress Kelli O’Hara)

Nov. 2016: L.I.’s Lantern Still Burns Bright
(A look at Long Island’s 64-year-old Lanter Theater Company)

Oct. 2016: Broadway’s Fall Shows Open on Their Own Terms
(A preview of Broadway’s fall 2016 season)

Sept. 2016: Theater Three Starts a New Season without an Old Friend
(Jeffrey Sanzel, artistic director of Long Island’s Theater Three, reflects on the new season and the passing of longtime musical director Ellen Michelmore)

May 2016: Aria Grande – Playwright Jonathan Tolins and his Fandom of the Opera
(Playwright Jonathan Tolins discusses his latest, A Forgotten Woman, premiering at Long Island’s Bay Street Theater)

April 2016: Springtime in New York – Where Broadway is Blooming
(A preview of Broadway’s spring 2016 season)

March 2016: A Chance to Shine: Syosset Dons a Shiny New CAP
(A chat with Bruce Grossman, artistic director of Syosset, Long Island’s Cultural Arts Playhouse)

Feb. 2016: Women on the Verge – Daughters Arrives at the Merrick Theater
(A preview of Daughters, John Morgan Evans’s comedy-drama at Long Island’s Merrick Theater)

Nov. 2015: The Tin Man Writes a Play Full of Heart
(A profile of playwright Sean Grennan on the eve of his drama, The Tin Woman, opening at Long Island Bay Street Theater)

Oct. 2015: Lemmon’s Pledge
(An interview with actor-singer Chris Lemmon, son of legendary actor Jack Lemmon)

Oct. 2015: Theatrical Island Hoppers
(A look at famous theater people born and/or raised on Long Island, including Alec Baldwin, Charles Ludlam, Patti LuPone, Adam Pascal, Idina Menzel, and Edie Falco)

Sept. 2015: Fall Approaches Quietly
(A preview of the fall 2015 Broadway season)

June 2015: Sincerely Yours, Bay Street Theater
(Featuring interviews with playwright Alena Smith and director Bob Balaban, a preview of the comedy, The New Sincerity before its opening at Long Island’s Bay Street Theater)

Nov. 2009: Lorraine Bracco on Life as a Post-Doc
(An interview with “Goodfellas” actress Lorraine Bracco)

Oct. 2009: Carrie Fisher – She Moves On
(An interview with “Star Wars” actress Carrie Fisher)

Sept. 2009: Call Her Anna – Patty Duke
(An interview with “Miracle Worker” actress Patty Duke)

Dec. 2008: Curb Your Ensusiessman: The Comedian Speaks Out on Being Fair – and Foul
(An interview with “Curb Your Enthusiasm” comic actress, Susie Essman)

Oct. 2008: Diahann Carroll Looks Back – and Forward
(An interview with Tony-winning actress Diahann Carroll)