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SONGS

Below please find a list of many of my songs — funny, serious, satirical, dark — with links to their lyrics on this website. Many of these songs were performed on my radio program, Dave’s Gone By, or may be heard on my youtube channel.
For more information, including rights and permissions, please contact me at davesgoneby_at_aol.com.

All songs (c) by David Lefkowitz, unless otherwise noted.

*

ALEPH BAIS (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6b
(a fat-free parody tune from a Rabbi’s perspective when he teaches Bar Mitzvah bochers their Haftorah portions)

ALMOST A SONNET (1981): http://wp.me/pzvIo-O
(a lightly serious love song with a nod to the bard)

AMAGANSETT PRINCESS (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-T
(a fairly serious song about a girl looking for all the wrong things in all the wrong ways)

ANAL DREIDEL (2007, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3y
(Thanks to a new medical procedure, Rabbi Sol Solomon discovers a new toy…and talent)

THE BAGEL BOAT SONG (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-13
(A “Banana Boat Song” parody, kosher-style)

THE BALLAD OF PETE TOWNSHEND (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3A
(A tune penned when The Who balladeer was having legal troubles with the interwebs)

THE BALLAD OF TEENY PEENIE (1985, co=author: Scott Rodolitz): http://wp.me/pzvIo-16
(A silly song. Infantile even)

BEFORE THE GOLDRUSH (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-19
(A semi-serious song about the way rock bands rise and crash.)

BEN GAZZARA (1994): http://wp.me/pzvIo-2d
(A deeply earnest lament about missing this fine actor — written many years before he’d actually died)

CAPTAIN LIFLANDER’S MADRIGAL (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3C
(A satirical tune about American exceptionalism and weaponry)

CAUGHT (w.t.c.o.h.c.) (1986): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1f
(A thoroughly reprehensible comic song about a young girl’s evening proclivities)

CHANUKAH WISHES (2008): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3E
(A comic song about a Jewish boy’s true hopes for the Chanukah holiday)

CHERRY ON TOP (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1k
(A satirical tune mocking 1980s Long Island youth culture, such as it was)

COMING AND GOING (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1q
(A downright depressing song about friendship and betrayal)

CONSTIPATED (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6T
(A parody song about a poor woman whose stones aren’t rolling)

COVER’D WITH CRAP (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3G
(A comical and aptly disgusting sea shanty)

CRAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN (2008): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3I
(A song parody penned in the midst of the recession)

CRIMINAL JUSTICE (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1u
(A song parody of Joe Cuba’s “Bang Bang” featuring a very bad mother)

DAYENU (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-46
(A Passover parody song that thanks God for…well, something)

DEAD AIR (1985, co-author: Scott Rodolitz): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1A
(A fairly serious tune about the ills of American radio)

DEAD BLOWFISH (2015): http://wp.me/pzvIo-49
(A parody of “Dead Puppies” dedicated, with apologies, to Miley Cyrus’s departed pet)

DEEP IN THE HEART OF DALLAS (2016): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4d
(In response to the Black Lives Matter movement, a darkly satirical song parody of “Deep in the Heart of Texas”)

A DINGO ATE MY BABY (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3t
(A darkly comical number, to be bellowed in a thick Aussie accent)

DO THE PHOENIX (1994): http://wp.me/pzvIo-2j
(A darkly satirical song instructing lucky teens on how they can die just like River Phoenix)

DON’T MESS WITH US (2003, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4h
(A plucky tune, loosely based on an old Yiddish melody, about Jews’ resiliency)

DON’T THINK TWICE, JUST GO (2009): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4m
(A song parody of Bob Dylan’s “Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright,” dedicated to GWB)

DRINK TILL I’M DRUNK (2010): http://wp.me/pzvIo-2F
(A jolly Irish song about Irish activities)

ENEMA BLUES (1978): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5o
(A happily Elvis-ish tune about going with the flow)

EVERY DAY ON THE 5:09 (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1N
(A fairly serious song about enduring life on the Long Island Rail Road)

FLOWERS WEREN’T MEANT TO LAST (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4p
(The plaintive complaint of a singer-songwriter)

FRONTAL LOBOTOMY BLUES (1979 co-author: Scott Rodolitz, revised 2006): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1J
(With apologies to “Mannish Boy,” a sick tune about a sick tot)

FUN IN THE KITCHEN (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5r
(A sick calypso ditty that will not be a hit with PETA)

(I’M HAVING A) GAY CHRISTMAS (2004, co-author: Peter Fitzgerald): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4u
(A pervy nod to alternative holiday celebrations)

GO CIALIS (2014): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4A
(To the tune of “White Rabbit,” this pharmaceutical tribute rocks, um, harder)

HERE’S TO THE HIGH SCHOOL (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5t
(A bitter alma mater for bitter alma martyrs)

I KNOW WHAT GOYS LIKE (2012): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4G
(A parody tune, co-written with Rabbi Sol Solomon for his stage show, Shalom, Dammit!)

I WANNA HOLD YOUR STUMP (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5H
(Look ma, a Beatles song parody with no hands!)

IS IT GOOD FOR THE JEWS (2004, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4J
(A Yiddishy ditty that asks the age-old question)

IT’S A STIFF (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4M
(a dark song parody, to “Let it Snow,” about a true New York story)

JEOPARDY KEN (2004): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4P
(A song parody, to the Beatles’ “The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill,” written to celebrate “Jeopardy” celeb Ken Jennings)

JOEY, THE SPASTIC KANGAROO (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4R
(A bouncy comic tune about an Aussie animal that bounces too freely)

KILLIN’ THE CANDIDATES (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5J
(A darkly comic look at the trigger happy)

LA-LA LAND (1988): http://wp.me/pzvIo-J
(A song parody of John Denver’s “Leaving on a Jet Plane” written specifically for a “Howard Stern Show” contest)

LADY LIBERTY (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5L
(A playful number about a statuesque lady)

LAMENT #9 (1982): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5P
(If John Lennon heard this song parody, he’d primal scream)

LOOK WHAT THEY DONE TO MY HEAD, MA (2004): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4U
(With apologies to Melanie, a dark song parody for the age of terrorism)

M-O-T-H-E-R (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4Z
(Inspired by moms and Theodore Morse & Howard Johnson’s alphabetical tribute to them)

MADE IN THE USA (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5X
(With apologies to The Boss, a parody song of planned obsolescence)

MAKIN’ POOPIES (2004): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4W
(A song parody for when you’re in the dumps)

THE MARRIAGE SONG (All You Do is Bitch) (2013): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3w
(A marital song parody of Lennon-McCartney’s “All You Need is Love”)

ME (1988): http://wp.me/pzvIo-20
(A joyfully comical-egocentrical tune)

MICHAEL, ROW (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-65
(An environmentally conscious song parody)

MONSTERS OF THE WORLD (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-67
(A political song, both serious and ambivalent. Oh joy.)

MOOSE YOU AROUND (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-2g
(An absurdly romantic waltz)

MY DOGGY’S CHRISTMAS GIFT (2004): http://wp.me/pzvIo-51
(A comical tune about how to keep your pet happy during the holidays)

NAPERVILLE (1989): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1V
(A comical tribute to a somewhat underrated Chicago suburb)

THE NIPPLE SONG (1980): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6s
(A celebration of all things nipular)

NIRVANITY (2002): http://wp.me/pzvIo-54
(A parody with all apologies to the late Kurt Cobain)

NOT A FRIEND (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6y
(A serious tune about the limits of platonics)

NOTHING IN THIS WORLD (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6C
(A seriously depressing song about about muddling through the mundane)

OH DAT BEN (2015): http://wp.me/pzvIo-56
(A wry tribute to the early years of presidential candidate Ben Carson)

OH, MY LOVE (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-61
(A serious love song from a long time back)

ORGY BOY (1987): http://wp.me/pzvIo-22
(A joyfully depraved comic tune about naughty activities)

OY OY (2015, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-58
(A not-so-traditional Jewish hand-clapping song)

PISHES SWEETER THAN WINE (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5a
(A parody song about the fountain of aging)

THE PITY ME I’M POLISH POLKA (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5d
(Well, at least it’s not an oberek)

PSYCHO BLUES (2006): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1C
(A darkly comic tune about the activities of a psychopath. Not autobiographical)

RABBI PEARL’S LAMENT (aka “The Schvartze Rubbed My Shmekel”) (1987, co-author Jeff Rothstein): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6G
(A comical cautionary tale for a man of soiled cloth)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTIONS THEME (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5h
(How the good Rabbi opens his sermons)

RAIN ON THE BORDERLINE (1986): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6K
(A bit of unhappiness, in serious song form)

THE RECTUM OF EDMUND FITZGERALD (2004): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5l
(With apologies to Gordon Lightfoot and a lot of dead sailors, a dark parody tune inspired by a true Long Island travesty)

SANDY DUNCAN’S EYE (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5x
(a rhythmic and visionary tribute)

SANTA QUITS (2012): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6h
(a mashup piece, in Buchanan & Goodman style, using short samples from other artists).

SANTASIA (2004): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6m
(a not-safe-for-the-north-pole holiday poem about Santa’s depravity)

SEAMUS THE URINE MAN (1998): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6p
(An Irish tune, based on the true story of a Dublin shop owner with a unique bouquet)

SHAKING LIKE A MONKEY (1992): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1Q
(an absurdly happy comic tune about, well, doing the title)

SHEEP ARE MOIST (1982): http://wp.me/pzvIo-2m
(A comical, country-folk number that became the anthem of the band I was in at the time, The Moist Sheep)

THIS ONE’S FOR YOU (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5j
(The second — yes, second — song I wrote about enemas…and hopefully not the last)

THE TRICKLE-DOWN LULLABY (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-2a
(A darkly satirical number about a desperate man. The piece was written with stage directions and can be performed as a brief one-act solo)

THE TWELVE PERVERSIONS OF CHRISTMAS (aka “Oh Cum All Ye Faithful”) (1979, co-author: Scott Rodolitz): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6O
(The melody is traditional the exploits are not)

YESHIVA BOY (2011, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5U
(A bouncy Bob Seger parody that served as the opening number of Shalom Dammit!)

YOUR MEAT’S TOO BIG (2008): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5A
(In Fats Waller parodies, size matters)

SONG: Aleph Bais

©2017 David Lefkowitz & Rabbi Sol Solomon
(Sung to the melody of Meghan Trainor’s “All About That Bass”)

In Hebrew school
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, bais, bais, bais

Yeah, it’s pretty clear, I’m just an old Yid
But I can teach the alphabet just like my zayde did
Bar Mitzvah boys come to learn to be a man
Their heads are full of junk, but I do the best I can.

If Hebrew’s too tough, I do phonetic
Whatever gets them in a mode that’s alphabetic
Each letter has a vowel; each vowel has a note
You know that some words have a “chuch” in them, and phlegm goes through your throat

Yeah, I tell all my students, “Don’t worry if you cannot sing.
You’ll still get the gifts and the checks that your relatives bring.
And if you just get the words right, it’s fine if you’re hard on the ears.
You’re a 12-year-old kid, and no one’s expecting Jan Peerce.”

And so I’m
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, oy!

Well, kametz aleph ahh.
And follow that with kametz beis for bah.
And all the way to kametz taf for tah.
I’m here to teach them:

How to be a big sensation
When you’re doing cantillation

You know, I tell all my students they’ve got to sing loud, high, and strong
Because the Haftorah’s short, but the Torah is so frigging long.
You can prove to your peers that you’re clearly a mensch and a smarty
While your mom and your dad, they spend 85 grand on a party

And so I’m
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais

Unroll the scroll,
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais

Phylacteries!
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel . . . (fade)

SONG: Constipated

CONSTIPATED

©2017 David Lefkowitz
(sung to the melody of The Rolling Stones’ “Complicated”)

(groans) Ahh ahh ahh ahh-ahh-ahh

She’s not feeling well today
Something’s blocked her passageway
She puts on a brave face
But she’s not okay
She’s very constipated
Ahh ahh ahh ahh-ahh-ahh
Ahh ahh ahh ahh-ahh-ahh

She’s been taking Dulcolax
Still she gets these fierce attacks
Sitting on the toilet
Painful to the max
She’s really constipated
Ahh ahh ahh ahh-ahh-ahh
Ahh ahh ahh ahh-ahh-ahh

She can try to play it cool
But her colon is so cruel
She would sell her children
Just to make a stool
She’s very constipated
Ahh ahh ahh ahh-ahh-ahh
Ahh ahh ahh ahh-ahh-ahh

She’s been feeling blue and blah
Give that girl an enema!
Get that feces out of her
Look, she’s turning grey
She’s very constipated
Ahh ahh ahh ahh-ahh-ahh
Ahh ahh ahh ahh-ahh-ahh

Now she’s fin’lly shaking loose
Dropping turds just like a moose
Covering the porcelain
With her lumpy juice
No longer constipated
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-eah-eah!

SANDY DUNCAN’S EYE

(c)2017 David Lefkowitz

Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Sandy Duncan’s Eye

It fits in
her pocket
When not in
Her socket

Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Sandy Duncan’s Eye

The bad one
The good one
The glass one
The wood one

Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Sandy Duncan’s Eye
The children play “I Spy”
with Sandy Duncan’s Eye

The scalpel
incision
The zero-20 vision

Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Sandy Duncan’s Eye
I’m Rocky Mountain High
on Sandy Duncan’s Eye

The pupil
The iris
Opaque as
papyrus

Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Sandy Duncan’s Eye
You won’t find a stye
in Sandy Duncan’s Eye

The years
Go by
The tears
run dry

Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Milkier than chai
is Sandy Duncan’s Eye

Peeka Boo
She can’t see you

Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Sandy Duncan’s Eye

Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Sandy Duncan’s Eye
It’s time to go bye-bye.

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION THEME

(c)2017 David Lefkowitz & Rabbi Sol Solomon
(Sung to the tune of a traditional Hebrew blessing)

Hello, it’s me, Rabbi Sol
With Rabbinical Reflections for you all
I come from Temple Sons of Bitches
Here in Great Neck, New York
Shut up and pay attention
to me.

PISHES SWEETER THAN WINE

©2017 David Lefkowitz
(Note: sung to The Weavers’ “Kisses Sweeter than Wine”)

When I was a baby, as cute as can be
I’d sit around in my diaper, and sometimes I’d pee
I wouldn’t think much about how I would go
I’d just open my bladder, and out it would flow.
I had pishes sweeter than wine.

When I was toddler, I’d sit on the bowl
And then I’d watch all the peepee stream out of my hole
I got a little older, but still it was nice
Because I’d stand in the men’s room and aim at the ice
Ohh ohh, pishes sweeter than wine.
Mmm mmm, pishes sweeter than wine.

When in my twenties, my courage would grow;
I’d get in a crouch and write my name in the snow.
I chose when to go, and I chose when to stop
And I could cut off the current with nary a drop
I had pishes sweeter than wine.

The years flew by, and I moved past my prime
Soon a trip to the bathroom was taking more time.
I’d have an appointment; I’d be running late
But still, oh Lord, I just had to wait. And wait. And wait.
Ohh ohh, pishes sweeter than wine.

My sixtieth birthday brought trouble and pain
And on the front of my undies, a small yellow stain
My prostate swelled up to the size of an egg
And then my winkle would tinkle and sprinkle my leg
I missed pisses sweeter than wine.

Listen up children, and learn from my past
You gotta value your prostate because it won’t last
The story begins, before you know it, it ends, and then
Oh lord, you’re wearing Depends.
Ohh pishes sweeter than wine.

So now I’m an old man in terrible shape
And I move like a woman who’s just been raped
I still can make pishie, in dribbles and squirts
But now, oh Lord, the catheter hurts
I miss pishes sweeter than wine.
I miss, mmm mmm, pishes sweeter than wine.

DEEP IN THE HEART OF DALLAS

© 2016 David Lefkowitz
Note: New lyrics sung to Don Swander’s music for “Deep in the Heart of Texas”

Oh the moon shone bright on a hot July night
Deep in the heart of Dallas
The crowd turned out to holler and shout
Deep in the heart of Dallas

They came in peace to protest police
Deep in the heart of Dallas
`Cause if you’re brown, you’ll get shot down
Pretty much anywhere, not just Dallas

Baton Rouge’s best shot a black in the chest
Deep in Louisiana
The gun was in his pocket, but the cops just said, “aw, fuck it!”
Deep in Louisiana

A few hours later in St. Paul, Minnesater
A guy and gal were drivin’
A zealous cop made them come to a stop
They thought that he was jivin’

The fuzz did shout, “Your taillight is out!
Let’s see your registration.”
He meant no harm, but he shot up the guy’s arm.
Which caused some consternation.

With two blacks dead all the people said,
“Out in the streets we’ll gather,
We’ll show the fuzz what a movement does:
Hashtag – Black Lives Matter.”

But one lone man had a bigger plan
Deep in the heart of Dallas
His name was Micah
And whites? He no like-ah
Deep in the heart of Dallas

Feelin’ low and mean with a full magazine
Deep in the heart of Dallas
He aimed real well, and the bodies fell
Deep in the heart of Dallas

A robot bomb blew his ass to kingdom come
Deep in the heart of Dallas
But not before he wounded seven more
Deep in the heart of Dallas

Now the cops hate blacks and the blacks hate them back
And nothing’s gonna stop it
And that is what we’re stuck with.
Each one thinks that the other one stinks
And boy, you better not fuck with.

The victims wail when the systems fail
Deep in the heart of America
It’s just another day in the good ol’ USA