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Click the links for David Lefkowitz’s oeuvre, which he hopes you’ll loeuvre.

FEATURE STORIES:
https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/category/feature-stories/

INTERVIEWS & PROFILES
https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/category/feature-stories/interviews-profiles/

PLAYS: Full Length:
https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/category/full-length-plays/
PLAYS: One-Acts:
https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/category/one-act-plays/

POEMS: Humorous:
https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/category/poems-humorous/

SONGS:
https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/2017/10/05/songs-by-david-lefkowitz/

TABLE OF CONTENTS:
http://wp.me/pzvIo-ac

THEATER REVIEWS:
https://davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com/category/theater-reviews/

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SONGS INDEX

SONGS

Below please find a list of many of my songs — funny, serious, satirical, dark — with links to their lyrics on this website. Many of these songs were performed on my radio program, Dave’s Gone By, or may be heard on my youtube channel.
For more information, including rights and permissions, please contact me at davesgoneby_at_aol.com.

All songs (c) by David Lefkowitz, unless otherwise noted.

*

ALEPH BAIS (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6b
(a fat-free parody tune from a Rabbi’s perspective when he teaches Bar Mitzvah bochers their Haftorah portions)

ALMOST A SONNET (1981): http://wp.me/pzvIo-O
(a lightly serious love song with a nod to the bard)

AMAGANSETT PRINCESS (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-T
(a fairly serious song about a girl looking for all the wrong things in all the wrong ways)

ANAL DREIDEL (2007, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3y
(Thanks to a new medical procedure, Rabbi Sol Solomon discovers a new toy…and talent)

THE ANTLERS ARE BLOWING IN THE WIND (aka “Moose You Around”) (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-2g
(An absurdly romantic waltz)

THE BAGEL BOAT SONG (1985, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-13
(A “Banana Boat Song” parody, kosher-style, which was performed in the stage play, Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon)

THE BALLAD OF PETE TOWNSHEND (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3A
(A tune penned when The Who balladeer was having legal troubles with the interwebs)

THE BALLAD OF TEENY PEENIE (1985, co=author: Scott Rodolitz): http://wp.me/pzvIo-16
(A silly song. Infantile even)

BAXTER HOLVOE’S VOLVO SONG (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8v
(A creepily comic ballad for a sociopathic seducer. Ah, love!)

BEFORE THE GOLDRUSH (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-19
(A semi-serious song about the way rock bands rise and crash.)

BEN GAZZARA (1994): http://wp.me/pzvIo-2d
(A deeply earnest lament about missing this fine actor — written many years before he’d actually died)

BETTER DO IT NOW (1984, auths: Scott Rodolitz, Jay Auerfeld, and Kevin Gerber): http://wp.me/pzvIo-9t
(Wish I’d written this catchy, sharp song about Long Island life, but I didn’t. My bandmates did.)

CAPTAIN LIFLANDER’S MADRIGAL (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3C
(A satirical tune about American exceptionalism and weaponry)

CAUGHT (w.t.c.o.h.c.) (1986): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1f
(A thoroughly reprehensible comic song about a young girl’s evening proclivities)

CHANUKAH WISHES (2008): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3E
(A comic song about a Jewish boy’s true hopes for the Chanukah holiday)

CHERRY ON TOP (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1k
(A satirical tune mocking 1980s Long Island youth culture, such as it was)

COMING AND GOING (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1q
(A downright depressing song about friendship and betrayal)

COMMUTED SENTENCE (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-e2
(A serious number about the, um, joys of commuting to and from NYC

CONSTIPATED (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6T
(A parody song about a poor woman whose stones aren’t rolling)

COVER’D WITH CRAP (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3G
(A comical and aptly disgusting sea shanty)

CRACK OF A WHITE MAN’S ASS (1992): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8t
(A song as anatomical as it is comical)

CRAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN (2008): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3I
(A song parody penned in the midst of the recession)

CRIMINAL JUSTICE (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1u
(A song parody of Joe Cuba’s “Bang Bang” featuring a very bad mother)

DAYENU (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-46
(A Passover parody song that thanks God for…well, something)

DEAD AIR (1985, co-author: Scott Rodolitz): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1A
(A fairly serious tune about the ills of American radio)

DEAD BLOWFISH (2015): http://wp.me/pzvIo-49
(A parody of “Dead Puppies” dedicated, with apologies, to Miley Cyrus’s departed pet)

DEEP IN THE HEART OF DALLAS (2016): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4d
(In response to the Black Lives Matter movement, a darkly satirical song parody of “Deep in the Heart of Texas”)

A DINGO ATE MY BABY (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3t
(A darkly comical number, to be bellowed in a thick Aussie accent)

DO THE ONION (2008): http://wp.me/pzvIo-9f
(A slow, gloomy dance for people who have no interest in dancing)

DO THE PHOENIX (1994): http://wp.me/pzvIo-2j
(A darkly satirical song instructing lucky teens on how they can die just like River Phoenix)

DON’T MESS WITH US (2003, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4h
(A plucky tune, loosely based on an old Yiddish melody, about Jews’ resiliency)

DON’T THINK TWICE, JUST GO (2009): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4m
(A song parody of Bob Dylan’s “Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright,” dedicated to GWB)

DRINK TILL I’M DRUNK (2010): http://wp.me/pzvIo-2F
(A jolly Irish song about Irish activities)

ELEPHANT WOMAN WANT GO HOME (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8H
(An a cappella, call-and-response tune perfect for hauling…stuff)

ENEMA BLUES (1978): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5o
(A happily Elvis-ish tune about going with the flow)

EVERY DAY ON THE 5:09 (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1N
(A fairly serious song about enduring life on the Long Island Rail Road)

FLOWERS WEREN’T MEANT TO LAST (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4p
(The plaintive complaint of a singer-songwriter)

FRONTAL LOBOTOMY BLUES (1979 co-author: Scott Rodolitz, revised 2006): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1J
(With apologies to “Mannish Boy,” a sick tune about a sick tot)

FUN IN THE KITCHEN (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5r
(A sick calypso ditty that will not be a hit with PETA)

(I’M HAVING A) GAY CHRISTMAS (2004, co-author: Peter Fitzgerald): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4u
(A pervy nod to alternative holiday celebrations)

GO CIALIS (2014): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4A
(To the tune of “White Rabbit,” this pharmaceutical tribute rocks, um, harder)

HAPPY FOOT SONG
(see listing under MY FOOT)

HERE’S TO THE HIGH SCHOOL (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5t
(A bitter alma mater for bitter alma martyrs)

I KNOW WHAT GOYS LIKE (2012): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4G
(A parody tune, co-written with Rabbi Sol Solomon for his stage show, Shalom, Dammit!)

I THOUGHT ABOUT YOU (author: Scott Rodolitz, 1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-dU
(A catchy tune about finding the right girl at the wrong time)

I WANNA HOLD YOUR STUMP (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5H
(Look ma, a Beatles song parody with no hands!)

I’M ME (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8K
(A jaunty tune celebrating the self)

I’M TOO SEXY (FOR MY PROSTATE) (2017, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-cN
(A parodic disco ditty about the Rabbi’s various ailments)

IN HIS ASS (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-ea
(A spirited spiritual about items actually inserted by people into their interstices)

IS IT GOOD FOR THE JEWS (2004, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4J
(A Yiddishy ditty that asks the age-old question)

IT WAS AN ALL RIGHT DAY (2017, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-70
(a parody of Ice Cube’s “It was a Good Day” from a Jewish perspective.)

IT’S A STIFF (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4M
(a dark song parody, to “Let it Snow,” about a true New York story)

JEOPARDY KEN (2004): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4P
(A song parody, to the Beatles’ “The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill,” written to celebrate “Jeopardy” celeb Ken Jennings)

JERREE (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-dx
(Jerry Lewis is no longer with us, but don’t tell that to the retarded boy who loves him…)

THE JERRY LEWIS TELETHON HOP (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-dv
(Penned by Scott Rodolitz and Kevin Gerber, a mostly instrumental tribute to the nutty telethon host)

JOEY, THE SPASTIC KANGAROO (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4R
(A bouncy comic tune about an Aussie animal that bounces too freely)

KENNEDY CAR CAR (fka Song for Ted Kennedy) (1980): http://wp.me/pzvIo-de
(A folkie number about the chap acquitted)

KILLIN’ THE CANDIDATES (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5J
(A darkly comic look at the trigger happy)

THE KOSHER HOT DOG PICNIC (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-as
(A children’s folk song about–what else?–depravity)

LA-LA LAND (1988): http://wp.me/pzvIo-J
(A song parody of John Denver’s “Leaving on a Jet Plane” written specifically for a “Howard Stern Show” contest)

LADY LIBERTY (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5L
(A playful number about a statuesque lady)

LAMENT #9 (1982): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5P
(If John Lennon heard this song parody, he’d primal scream)

LOOK WHAT THEY DONE TO MY HEAD, MA (2004): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4U
(With apologies to Melanie, a dark song parody for the age of terrorism)

M-O-T-H-E-R (2003): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4Z
(Inspired by moms and Theodore Morse & Howard Johnson’s alphabetical tribute to them)

MADE IN THE USA (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5X
(With apologies to The Boss, a parody song of planned obsolescence)

MAKIN’ POOPIES (2004): http://wp.me/pzvIo-4W
(A song parody for when you’re in the dumps)

THE MARRIAGE SONG (All You Do is Bitch) (2013): http://wp.me/pzvIo-3w
(A marital song parody of Lennon-McCartney’s “All You Need is Love”)

ME (1988): http://wp.me/pzvIo-20
(A joyfully comical-egocentrical tune)

MEM’RIES OF SCRANTON (1988): http://wp.me/pzvIo-9h
(A country-tinged, comical tune about family travels)

MICHAEL, ROW (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-65
(An environmentally conscious song parody)

MONSTERS OF THE WORLD (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-67
(A political song, both serious and ambivalent. Oh joy.)

MOOSE YOU AROUND (1985):
(see listed under The Antlers are Blowing in the Wind)

THE MOST OFFENSIVE SONG EVER WRITTEN (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-7G
(No, really, it’s vile. I dare you…)

MY DOGGY’S CHRISTMAS GIFT (2004): http://wp.me/pzvIo-51
(A comical tune about how to keep your pet happy during the holidays)

MY FOOT (aka Happy Foot Song) (1990): http://wp.me/pzvIo-7C
(A comical marching tune about our neglected tootsies)

NADINE (written by Scott Rodolitz, Jay Auerfeld & Kevin Gerber; 1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-dA
(A doo-wop number about teenage love…from behind)

NAPERVILLE (1989): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1V
(A comical tribute to a somewhat underrated Chicago suburb)

THE NIPPLE SONG (1980): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6s
(A celebration of all things nipular)

NIRVANITY (2002): http://wp.me/pzvIo-54
(A parody with all apologies to the late Kurt Cobain)

NOT A FRIEND (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6y
(A serious tune about the limits of platonics)

NOT THE CLAM BAR (1983): http://wp.me/pzvIo-da
(A Clash parody that chooses pastrami over prawns)

NOTHING IN THIS WORLD (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6C
(A seriously depressing song about about muddling through the mundane)

OH CUM ALL YOU FAITHFUL
(see listing under THE TWELVE PERVERSIONS OF CHRISTMAS)

OH DAT BEN (2015): http://wp.me/pzvIo-56
(A wry tribute to the early years of presidential candidate Ben Carson)

OH, MY LOVE (1984): http://wp.me/pzvIo-61
(A serious love song from a long time back)

ORGY BOY (1987): http://wp.me/pzvIo-22
(A joyfully depraved comic tune about naughty activities)

OY OY (2015, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-58
(A not-so-traditional Jewish hand-clapping song)

PISHES SWEETER THAN WINE (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5a
(A parody song about the fountain of aging)

THE PITY ME I’M POLISH POLKA (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5d
(Well, at least it’s not an oberek)

PSYCHO BLUES (2006): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1C
(A darkly comic tune about the activities of a psychopath. Not autobiographical)

PUBIC HAIR (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8M
(An ode to our nether feathers)

RABBI PEARL’S LAMENT (aka “The Schvartze Rubbed My Shmekel”) (1987, co-author Jeff Rothstein): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6G
(A comical cautionary tale for a man of soiled cloth)

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTIONS THEME (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5h
(How the good Rabbi opens his sermons)

RAIN ON THE BORDERLINE (1986): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6K
(A bit of unhappiness, in serious song form)

THE RECTUM OF EDMUND FITZGERALD (2004): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5l
(With apologies to Gordon Lightfoot and a lot of dead sailors, a dark parody tune inspired by a true Long Island travesty)

RING MY BELL (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-94
(A joyful number in Wild Man Fischer style)

SANDY DUNCAN’S EYE (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5x
(a rhythmic and visionary tribute)

SANTA QUITS (2012): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6h
(a mashup piece, in Buchanan & Goodman style, using short samples from other artists).

SANTASIA (2004): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6m
(a not-safe-for-the-north-pole holiday poem about Santa’s depravity)

SEAMUS THE URINE MAN (1998): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6p
(An Irish tune, based on the true story of a Dublin shop owner with a unique bouquet)

SEW BUTTONS (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8Y
(A bit of pure absurdist whimsy, with sprinkle of Wild Man Fischer)

SEX WITH A CHICKEN (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-9R
(A comical song for the bestial years of our lives)

SHAKING LIKE A MONKEY (1992): http://wp.me/pzvIo-1Q
(an absurdly happy comic tune about, well, doing the title)

SHEEP ARE MOIST (1982): http://wp.me/pzvIo-7J
(A comical, country-folk number that became the anthem of the band I was in at the time, The Moist Sheep)

THE SHIT SONG (2012, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6X
(A comic ditty about world religions penned for the stage play, Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon)

SNIPER’S LULLABY (2002): http://wp.me/pzvIo-aE
(Written for my radio show, a song–to the tune of “Hobo’s Lullaby”–to celebrate the capture of the Beltway snipers)

SUGAR, SPICE, AND A VERY SHARP AXE (co-author, Scott Rodolitz; 1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-dh
(Lizzie Borden has nothing on this girl)

SWIMAWAY (2005): http://wp.me/pzvIo-ax
(A parody song inspired by the 2004 Indonesian tsunami, yet another iteration of “Mbube/Wimoweh/The Lion Sleeps Tonight)”

TAKE YOUR UNDEROOS DOWN (The Rolf Harris Song) (2014): http://wp.me/pzvIo-7w
(A Rolf Harris parody…and pillory)

TEN MORAY EELS (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8B
(A strange poetic chant for those who find the little Indians too un-P.C.)

THE SCHVARTZE RUBBED MY SHMEKEL
(see listing under RABBI PEARL’S LAMENT)

THEN YOU’RE JEWISH (2012, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-73
(A comic ditty about modern Jewish life. The song is performed in the first act of the stage play, Shalom Dammit! An Evening with Rabbi Sol Solomon)

THIS ONE’S FOR YOU (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5j
(The second — yes, second — song I wrote about enemas…and hopefully not the last)

THE TRICKLE-DOWN LULLABY (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-2a
(A darkly satirical number about a desperate man. The piece was written with stage directions and can be performed as a brief one-act solo)

THE TWELVE PERVERSIONS OF CHRISTMAS (aka “Oh Cum All Ye Faithful”) (1979, co-author: Scott Rodolitz): http://wp.me/pzvIo-6O
(The melody is traditional the exploits are not)

TUMOR IN MY HEAD (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8a
(A jaunty, non-autobiographical tune)

VEGETABLES ARE BAD FOR YOU (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-7L
(A comical country song about mercy killin’. Yee haw)

WAKKA WAKKA BOOM BOOM PIG (2001): http://wp.me/pzvIo-9o
(Penned in Italy and dedicated to the man selling splat pigs there)

WALK ON THE WEIRD SIDE (1980): http://wp.me/pzvIo-do
(And you thought Lou Reed was kinky?)

WHAT AM I? (1991): http://wp.me/pzvIo-8j
(A joyful song of the self)

WHEN I’M NINETY-THREE (1979): http://wp.me/pzvIo-dq
(A parodic ode to decrepitude)

THE WHITE JEW BLUES (1985): http://wp.me/pzvIo-7S
(Kind of an “oy is me” song for members of the tribe)

THE WORST SONG EVER WRITTEN (2017): http://wp.me/pzvIo-7y
(A love song utilizing every possible cliche and groaner rhyme. Someone should sing it through a megaphone)

YESHIVA BOY (2011, co-author: Rabbi Sol Solomon): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5U
(A bouncy Bob Seger parody that served as the opening number of Shalom Dammit!)

YOUR MEAT’S TOO BIG (2008): http://wp.me/pzvIo-5A
(In Fats Waller parodies, size matters)

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POEM: Lech Mipo

2016 LECH MIPO

©2016 Rabbi Sol Solomon & David Lefkowitz

It’s the first night of Chanukah
From Tampa to Tulsa
The candles are burning
Just like my ulcer

The dreidels are spinning
The latkes are frying
The Muslims are killing
The people are dying

The year has been tough
That couldn’t be clearer
So Twenty-Sixteen
Here’s your rear-view mirror

The campaign for president took a dark journey
As Democrat dummies picked Hil and screwed Bernie

Huckabee, Kasich, Rubio, Paul
The louder they got, the harder they’d fall

Jindal and Christie, Carson and Cruz
But then Donald Trump bubbled up from the ooze

He battered Ms. Clinton for being a female
She stumbled and fumbled and mishandled email

Trump lied and insulted and mocked with each Tweet
But then he fell in with the party elite

And lo and behold, as he, alone, expected
The con-artist clown is the guy we elected

If that’s not enough to make us all wretch
There’s plenty more reasons about which I’ll kvetch

There’s Brexit and Brussels and murder in Mosul
While Syria looks like a garbage disposal

All across Europe, security sucks
Who’s teaching these young Arab men to drive trucks?

The Istanbul bomber ignited our fears
Another putz shot up a club full of queers

Mosquitoes with zika came in for the kill
While lyin’ Ryan Lochte shamed us in Brazil

Hurricane Matthew brought death and disaster
A wild Turkish cop shot the Russian ambass’dor

An EgyptAir plane crashed into the sea
And North Carolina won’t let trannies pee

All over the world, ISIS steps up attacks
While our police fire at black people’s backs

If that’s not enough to make you all wince
2016 took Bowie and Prince

Gene Wilder, George Martin, and Elie Wiesel
Scalia and Castro — well, they went to hell

So long, Leonard Cohen
Farewell, Harper Lee
Goodbye, Abe Vigoda . . . finally

We lost Garry Shandling, who wasn’t a sick man
We lost Alan Thicke, and Alan Rickman

Muhammad Ali is no longer standing
And hero John Glenn came in for a landing

Merle Haggard, Ed Albee, and Zsa Zsa Gabor
And Fyvush and Blowfly and too many more

But okay, let’s admit the pipeline was stalled
The Cubs and the Indians played ball in the fall

The stock market zoomed to new heights every day
And Hamilton swept all the Tonys away

Manatees moved from endangered to threatened
And a new subway line was built in Manhetten.

So though it was harsh, absurdist, and mean
Shalom to the year 2016

The lesson it taught us with every new curse:
As bad as things are, they’re bound to get worse.

Happy American Rosh Hashanah everyone! See you in 5778!

*************

NOTES & BACKSTORY:

Written specifically to be performed on Rabbi Sol Solomon’s “Rabbinical Reflections” segment on the New Year’s Eve special edition of my radio program, Dave’s Gone By, this poem bids farewell to 2016 and, with much trepidation, ushers in the new year. You’ll notice that 2016 was notable for a lot of famous deaths and the shocking emergence of Donald Trump as the 45th president of the United States of America. As such, the idiomatic translation of “Lech Mipo” from Hebrew is, “get the hell away from here.”

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Dear Readers,

Dear Readers,

I’m starting this blog as a way of sharing my creative work in a new and very open way.  I’ve been a playwright since my college years, going way back to the mid-1980s, when cassette decks and Super 8 cameras roamed the earth.

Over the years, I’ve written a couple of full-length plays, a couple of one-acts, a bunch of skits and radio bits, and hundreds of theater reviews and feature stories.  The latter stuff you can read on my main website, TotalTheater.com, or in clusters at places like theaternewsonline.com, LIPulse.com and my former place of employ, playbill.com.

A few of my comedy-themed plays were published in a book, “Marriage, Babies and the End of the World,” many years ago by a Russian educational outlet in St. Petersburg. The anthology (which is in English), came out great, people who read it really enjoy it, and I have about 500 copies in my parents’ garage.  Such is the nature of art (ha!) and publishing.

But this is a new way and a new world.  At a recent fellowship in Los Angeles sponsored by USC and the National Endowment for the Arts, we lucky fellows were exhorted that the thing to do in this insanely open new millennium is to get the work “out there” and then worry about money and rights later.  Suuuuuuure…

But you know what?  It’s not like I’m A.R. Gurney getting produced all over the universe or Theresa Rebeck making a pile off “Law & Order” residuals, or Tony Kushner living off the laurels of being lucky/genius/right-play-right-time.  I’m so far on the fringe it’s a wonder I’m still on the tablecloth.  And no, I have no idea what that means.

But I DO like my plays.  I think they’re funny, thoughtful, readable.  I think they have something to say without pushing, pandering or pedagogy.  I also want to see them DONE, so here’s the deal: if you find a play on this website, go `head and read it.  Print it out, share it with your friends, send a dozen copies to your town supervisor.  Have a ball.

You can even put the play on in a reading or staged-reading format, FREE, for up to three performances.  I swear, I don’t want your money.  Actually, I do, but I’ll settle for getting produced.  All I ask is that you TELL me you’re doing it.  Send me a flyer or a listing with the info so I can add it to my cv.

If you want to actually do one of my plays as a full-production thingie – may God bless and keep you and fill your garden with tasty artichokes.  All I ask in that case is:

ONE ACTS:
1-5 performances: $3 per play per performance.

6th-10th performance: $4 per play performance.

11th-infinity performance: $5 per play per performance.

FULL-LENGTH:

1-5 performances: $8 per play per performance.

6th-10th performance: $9 per play performance.

11th-infinity performance: $10 per play per performance.

So let’s say you want to include my comedy, “King Solomon the Wise,” as part of an evening of one-acts, and you’re doing two weekends, with a total of 8 total performances.  My royalties would be $27;  that’s about a quarter the cost of a ticket to some Broadway shyte with Journey songs piled in it.

Let’s say you’re a college prof and you think your students will find “The Triple Wedding” just hilarious (because they’re just THAT bright and wonderful).  So you make it part of your season, slating  four performances. The production ends up going over so well (and why wouldn’t it?), you add another two performances to the schedule. My royalties would be a whopping $49 ($40 for the first five nights, $9 for the sixth).  You can send me a check or even paypal me (holvoe_at_aol.com), I’m easy that way. A few extra cupcakes at the bake sale, and you’re all set.

So there’s my rationale for creating davelefkowitzwriting.wordpress.com.  I’m putting my stuff “out there” (once I learn how to do that on this bloggy thing), and I hope you’ll enjoy it, share it, produce it, and give it your unabashed, unconditional love. Write to me or post comments on here, and if you have questions about stagings (some of these have been produced over the years), characters or a particular nuance, well, I’ll do my best to answer. Hopefully, though, the works will speak for themselves – especially now that they can be heard.

Welcome!

Dave Lefkowitz (7/5/09)

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FLOWERS (Weren’t Meant to Last)

©1985 David Lefkowitz
(Chords: F, Eb, Gm, F7, Bb, G, Cm)

What a nice crowd,
Did you get here all right?
Hello, New York
It’s great to be here tonight

Got my guitar
And you’ve got your bottles of beer
Any requests?
What would you people like to hear?

Well, come on, folks!
This ain’t “remember when”
Don’t make me play those chords again
New songs are written every day
You don’t wanna hear, “Sugar Mountain”
Any more than I wanna play it.

How are your drinks?
Are the waitresses nice?
It’s not my fault that everything’s overpriced
Food is cold, bland and nothing new.
Do you want your music that way, too?

Maybe I’m right
I could be wrong
I think you wanna hear a new song
Pre-electric Dylan is passé
And those jingle-jangle Sixties are so far away
Don’t believe in yesterday

Try and give a listen to something less well-known
You can play your old folk records when you get home
Dylan and The Beatles and The Kinks and The Rolling Stones
I got some words and music of my own.

That’s about all that I’ve got to say
Hope you’re all with me and planning to stay
And maybe someday if you hear me again
You can point to me, say, “I saw him when.”

Days of rage have all blown over
Twenty years, we’re stone-cold sober
Can’t go on living in the past
Where have all the flowers gone?
I don’t care
Flowers weren’t meant to last.

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BEFORE THE GOLD RUSH

©1984 David Lefkowitz

Well, Bill went out and he bought a guitar
Didn’t think he’d get very far with it
He’d strum strings till he got bored
Even taught himself three or four chords

Met up with a guy named Dwight
Looked messed up but he played all right
Hundred pock marks on his face
A Peavey amp and a Rickenbacker bass
His cousin was a drummer
His best friend sang
Called themselves, “The Metal Gang.”

They jammed in Brian’s basement
Until his mom and dad freaked out
They couldn’t find a replacement
So they got up some bread
and picked a studio out

All the amps turned up full power
Seven bucks per half an hour
Engineer was a burn-out thug on half a million drugs
Getting shocks from the external jack
Microphones always feeding back
But what the hell, they sounded good
Billy always knew they would

Then Evan found himself a girlfriend
And Brian started work part-time
They cut their practice down to Fridays
Didn’t learn no new stuff
But the old stuff sounded fine

They were gonna be famous, big time
Rock and roll stars
They were gonna have groupies,
World tours, long purple cars
They were gonna make albums,
Movies, and videotapes
They were all so hungry,
Ready for their big break.
They played a couple of high-school dances
But didn’t manage their finances
Brian mentioned this to Dwight
Two of them had a long, loud fight

Bill began to have his doubts
Started cursing Ev’s girl out
Evan basically threw a fit
No one was surprised when he quit

So Billy took on all the vocals
He taught himself to cry and shriek
They played in clubs for all the locals
Cut back rehearsals to every other week

Then followed eight months of stagnation
Even when they tried, nothing gelled
Low on money, short on inspiration
Dwight would get too drunk to play
Bri would bitch and Bill would yell

One day Bri’s family moved to Wisconsin
Packed up his cymbals and was gone
But that week Bill met Wally Johnson
A boy born with drumsticks instead of arms

Then there was Tom who played the keyboards
And even wrote some of his own tunes
Bill and Wally started making phone calls
They were booked solid each weekend that June

Bill started talking `bout a promo
Tom said he knew a soundman cheap
But Dwight turned white and told them, “Oh no,
Things are going good right now,
Let’s not get in too deep.”

They were gonna be the Beatles, Pistols, Rolling Stones
They were gonna be Zeppelin, Halen, Who and Ramones
They were gonna have posters, fan clubs, security guards
They would get gold records, platinum and grammy awards

Well, just when everything got rolling
Dwight’s bass guitar got stolen
“We’ll do our best,” the cop expounded.
Guess what? They never found it.
He asked his father
He asked his mother
They wouldn’t let him buy another
The band’s consolations were unanimous
Just not terribly magnanimous

They phased him out, they had no choice
And they let Evan get back in
They found some bassist in the Village Voice
He was free just once a month
But they fit him right in

Poor ol’ Dwight was never missed
Till the new guy broke his wrist
They asked him back
He told `em, “no.”
He also told `em where to go.

Wally said, “Man, this is jive,”
He left and joined the Punker Five
So no one really took it hard
When Tom when toff to Juilliard

“One day,” Bill says, “We’re gonna do it,
And then the world will know our name.
All you gotta do is stick on to it
And before you even know it
You’ve got fortune and fame.

Yeah, we’re gonna be famous, big-time, rock and roll stars
We’re gonna have groupies, world tours,
And reach for the stars.

Yeah, we’re gonna be famous, big-time, rock and roll stars
We’re gonna have groupies, world tours,
And reach for the stars…”

 

**************************

NOTES & BACKSTORY:

At the time I wrote this song about the rise and fall of a band, I was in a band that rose and just kind of petered out. The song title is, of course, a play on Neil Young’s “After the Gold Rush,” but there’s no other influence of one song on the other.

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ENEMA BLUES

©1978 David Lefkowitz

My baby went and left me
She’s gone without a doubt
But even worse than that, you know,
She really cleaned me out

I got the enema blues
Ever since we been apart
You know she flushed out my whole life
And now she’s trying to flush out my heart

You know that I was good to her
I never treated her mean
I even let her use my bathroom
And now she’s flushed me clean

I got the enema blues
Ever since we been apart
You know she flushed out my whole life
And now she’s trying to flush out my heart

She ran off with my bowling shoes
My car, my house and my kid
I told her, “Blow it out my ass!”
And that’s exactly what she did

I got the enema blues
Ever since we been apart
You know she flushed out my whole life
And now she’s trying to flush out my heart.

 

*************

NOTES & BACKSTORY:

This was the very first song I wrote during the first burst of creativity that ensued when my friends created a comedy-pop band called The Fisch-Heads. Most distressingly, it is not the only song I’ve gone on to write about enemas, so who knows what Freud would make of that? Anyway, it’s a song I thought I remembered verbatim, but I just found the original, handwritten lyrics in red magic marker—which I mailed to myself in March 1979 as proof of copyright!—and discovered that the line I’ve always sung as “my car, my house, and my kid” was actually “my car, my dog, and my kid.” And Joycean scholars think they find revelations!

Oh, and at the top of the lyric sheet are the words “Painful Rectal Itch”—not just a nod to my favorite Saturday Night Live sketch but the name of the band that would back the Fisch-Heads in our few local concerts.

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