Archive for the ‘Poems – Humorous’ Category


A pervert from East Colorado
Was bursting with shameless bravado
He said, “I take all,
Whether tiny or tall.”
I said, “What goes with me?” He said, “Sodo.”

An old diabetic from Akron
was hungry and went on a snack run
While buying his breadsticks
He spied two well-fed chicks
And said, “You look sweeter than sacc’run!”

At a Japanese restaurant in Alamosa
A girl with anorexia nervosa
Was swallowing oodles
Of pukeable noodles
But choked to death on a gyoza

A vicious young psycho from Ames 
Keeps lists of his poor victims’ names
The girls who are dead
He highlights in red
And circles the ones he just maims

While traveling through Antonito
I met a strange fella named Vito
His extra-large foreskin
Kept adding on more skin
And looked like a giant burrito

The sweet little town of Arboles
Has 200 perverts—and no less
They sit in the shade
and drink lemonade
and shove dildos in their cornholes.

A handsome young man from Arriba
Was hung like a baby amoeba
Despite his small cock
The girls would still flock:
He told them he was Justin Bieba

A virginal child in Arvada
Woke up one fine day with stigmata
She bled from her fists
Her tits and her wrists;
She looked like a squashed enchilada

A wizened old floozy from Aspen
Whose voice is all throaty and raspin’
Blames African guys
And their punishing size
For leaving her gaggin’ and gaspin’

A creepy eccentric named Walt
Once murdered a waitress in Ault
He sautéed her brains
And all her remains
In garlic, cilantro, and salt

A troubled young Jewess named Norah
Attended a shul in Aurora
She tied up the Rabbi
The Cantor and Gabbai
And sodomized them with a torah

An unlucky farmgirl from Avon
Was humming her favorite song, “Rave On”
She fell in a pit
Of animal shit
And that’s what the town built her grave on

There is a young woman in Baca
Who shits and then eats her own caca
What she can’t digest
She drools down her chest
Till excrement covers each knocka

There was a young man from Basalt
Who kept jars of pee in a vault
And when he’d feel tender
He’d whip out a blender
And drink all his piss in a malt

A gifted soul singer from Bayfield
Was beaten to death in a hayfield
His gasping and groans
His hollers and moans
Made me think of a young Curtis Mayfield

A brutal young rapist from Bedrock
Tried putting a girl in a headlock
She broke from his grip
And bit off the tip
He lived, but he now has a deadcock

A fat politician from Bennett
Was fucking his labrador when it
Jumped up with a shriek
And bit off his cheek
And made him the talk of the Senate

There was a young girl from Bent County
Who fucked a Canadian mountie
When they’d kiss and pet
He’d get her so wet
She needed to mop up with Bounty.

There’s a casket in a graveyard in Berthoud
And I asked two young men to unearth it
For inside that chest
Lay the girl I loved best
Wasn’t easy to fuck her, but worth it.

A bawdy old bitch from Bethune
Would rise from her mattress at noon
“My husband,” she’d grin,
“is ugly as sin.
Thank goodness, he’s hung like a coon.”

A randy young Negro from Black Hawk
Would shock all the girls with his smack talk
They thought him deranged
but their attitude changed
When he filled them all up with his black-cawk

I had an ex-girlfriend in Blanca
Who’d bathe in a tub full of Sanka
When she would emerge
I’d get a strong urge
To bend her ass over and spanca

A husky young man from Bonanza
Has muscles just like Tony Danza
But half of his face
Is being replaced
`Cause he’s got malignant skin canza

There was a young lady from Bond
of whom all the bachelors were fond
For when she would flirt
She’d pull up her skirt
and prove she was truly a blonde

There was a young lady from Boone
Who kept Cheerios in her poon
When she wasn’t fucking
She’d spend her time plucking
The cereal out with a spoon

A brutal young fella from Boulder
Once tied up his girlfriend and told her
“I’ll spread your legs wide
Push my fist inside
and slide my arm up to the shoulder.”

One thing I would never have reckoned is
How weird is that geezer in Breckenridge
He hides his wife’s hair
In an old Frigidaire
And keeps both her legs in a second fridge

A pedophile vicar from Brighton
Found altar boys very excitin’
It felt so intense
When they’d swing their incense
The rim of his asshole would tighten

A tender young lady from Brush
Would turn all the men into mush
They’d start in one hole
But then lose control
And slide halfway into her tush

For raping a girl and her sista
A pedophile from Buena Vista
Was thrown into Rikers
With big, hairy bikers
And now he takes dicks up his keesta

Although she’s a homely old crone
I still see this girl from Cahone
She’s wild and she’s flexible
utterly sexable
bouncing like mad on my bone

The orchestra in Castle Rock
Plays naked, but please, do not mock
The drummer is cute
And the guy on the flute
plays first xylophone with his cock

Don’t pity that pervy millennial
Who’s now doing time in Centennial
`Cause he stuck his noodle
Into his pet poodle
And sodomized his cocker spenniel

A frustrated fellow from Center
Whose girlfriend would not let him enter
One day with a grin
Just bashed her face in
And laughed at her just to torment `er

How sad was that man from Cheraw
Whose left hand was merely a claw
His only girlfriend
Met a terrible end;
He hiccuped unhooking her bra

I know a young athlete from Clifton
who damaged herself while weightliftin’
She can’t take a shit
Without pain in her clit
and both of her ovaries shiftin’

Each evening the women of Climax
Who suffer from horribly dry cracks
Will all share a tube
of vaginal lube
and watch Mamma Mia! on Imax

A hooker from Colorado Springs
Was paid to do acrobatic things
But she was so rough
The men screamed, “Enough!”
And most of them left her in slings

Oh how they respect Rabbi Shlomo
Who runs a big temple in Como
He has a nice life
Six kids and a wife
But everyone knows he’s a homo

A curious girl from Cortez
Suspected she might be a lez
She slept with one whore
Then twenty-five more
And now she’s got chronic herpez

A lady in East Cotopaxi
Was raped in the back of a taxi
They tracked down the demon
by finding his semen
Dried up on her pad that was maxi

One morning a fellow from Craig
Found scabies all over his leg
He spent all day long
Inspecting his dong
And checking his foreskin for smeg

Un hombre muy mal en Crystola
Shot poor Pedro with his pistola
The bullet was thick
and lodged in his dick
and made him bleed from his pisshola

How proper, how tender, how cute
Was that damsel from old Crested Butte
Who knew that beneath
Her gold hair and white teeth
Lay the heart of a sick prostitutte?

A pregnant young woman from Cripple Creek
Was attacked by a crow with a triple beak
He pecked at her chest
And gnawed at her breast
Till one of her tits sprang a nipple leak

A kind-hearted whore from Dacono
Would offer her Fridays pro bono
She’d not charge a nickel
To slap, tease, and tickle
Though fucking her ass was a no-no

Oh, how all the boys yearned to neck
With lovely Denise from De Becque
The losers brought candy
and roses and brandy
The winners just gave her a check

Beware the young women of Deckers
For they are a pack of home wreckers
Again and again
They steal married men
who are willingly led by their peckers.

A troubled young girl from Del Norte
Found foreplay was just not her forte
The boy she held dear
left her with a sneer
and a child that she had to aborte

There was a young woman from Delhi
Who kept M&Ms in her belly
The men found it yummy
to eat from her tummy
Who cared that her pussy was smelly?

The last time I visited Delta
I grabbed a young lady and felta
She got so irate
and in such a state
It caused me to haul off and belta

How bittersweet `tis to remember
The girl that I dated in Denver
We met in the spring
And had quite a fling
Too bad she was dead by December

I once had a hooker in Dillon
who said, “Boy, my pussy needs fillin’!
So whip out your dick
and jump on me quick
When I lift my legs, you start drillin’!”

A tender young hooker from Dinosaur
Says too much sex makes her vagina sore
Still eager to please
She’ll drop to her knees
For oral, you won’t find a finer whore

One evening while dancing the tango
With Dora, a whore from Durango
She shouted and cried
and clutched at her side
Then squatted and shat out a mango

In the Kiowa County of Eads
Lives a man who adores anal beads
The more he inserts
The harder it hurts
And he bleeds and he bleeds and he bleeds

A horny young pervert from Eagle
was busted for banging a beagle
His lawyer said, “Sure,
the act is impure,
but technically not quite illegal.”

A tender young schoolboy from Eaton
Was raped and then horribly beaten
His bruises are healing
Except that he’s dealing
With blood that he can’t stop excretin’

Said Jane to her Mackintosh, “Siri,
Tell me, what are the men like in Erie?”
Said Siri, “They’re gross,
Obese and morose
And the backs of their Hanes are all smeary.”

There was a young woman from Estes
Who’d never let men touch her brestes
If they’d even try
She’d look in their eye
And kick `em real hard in the testes

A crazy musician from Evans
Was singing a song to the heavens
He started off tender
But then grabbed his Fender
And cranked all his amps to elevens

A weary young soldier from Fleming
Was sick of the war’s Us and Them-ing
So rather than kill
He wrote out a will
and leapt from a cliff like a lemming

There was a young girl from Fort Lupton
Who looked like a twin of Kate Upton
Though she was a virgin
The men kept on urgin’
`Cause that bitch was up for corruptin’

There is a young girl in Fort Morgan
Nice bod, but a face like a gorgon
So what I advise
is aim for her thighs
`Cause you got no eyes in your organ

A chubby young lady in Frisco
Would dance every night at the disco
I kidnapped that ho
And rolled her in dough
I’m frying her slowly in Crisco

I daresay there’s no woman cuta
Than Tillie the trollope of Fruita
When she doffs her top
Your eyes cannot stop
Ping ponging from hoota to hoota

I weep for the virgin of Gould
who by a rogue scoundrel was fooled
She slept with the bloke
and when she awoke
Her vulva was covered with mould.

A tremulous virgin named Blanche
was kidnapped from old Highlands Ranch
No, she was not raped
In fact, she escaped
by massively shitting her panch

An evil white slaver named Holden
Once kidnapped a woman from Golden
He mailed her out quickly
But she was so sickly
She died in the box she was sold in

A pedophile priest from Grand Junction
Would prey on the youth sans compunction
Though it was a sin
He could not get it in
For he had erectile dysfunction

I pay a young model from Grover
To pose naked with my Range Rover
She looks really good
stretched out on the hood
but oh so much better bent over

There was a young woman from Hasty
Whose skin was all pimply and pasty
Yet time and again
She’d please the same men
`cause goddamn, her pussy was tasty

Last weekend I drove up to Hayden
And there I seduced a fair maiden
Although it’s a rental
I’m so sentimental
I’m keeping the car she got laid in

There is a young woman in Holly
Who’s deeply addicted to Molly
If you have a stash
She’ll give you her cash
And suck on your dick like a lolly

A black college student from Hooper
Was stopped on the road by a trooper
Who treated him rough
And put him in cuffs
and jammed a baton in his pooper

They arrested a fellow from Hotchkiss
`cause there was a girl he would watch piss
He thought he was flirting
that time she was squirting
and he pulled her down for a crotch kiss

The wonderful thing about Hoyt is
It’s just as perverse as Detroit is
There’s threesomes, and four
And orgies galore
The place is a cauldron of coitis

If you’re looking for somewhere fun to go
Then why not vacation in Hugo?
There’s golf and martinis
And girls in bikinis
And clubs where they won’t let a Jew go

How gaily the heart in me sings
For Ida of Idaho Springs
So gentle and pure
So sweet and demure;
I make her do terrible things.

A plucky young lady named Keeley
Would give up her cherry quite freely
But men that she chose
All quivered and froze
`cause her pussy smelled worse than East Greeley
The twat of a woman from Gunnison
Is tight, but a frightfully runny one.
Her hole is so juicy
you’ll drown in her puicy
So don’t go all up in her cunny, son.

A serial killer from Kersey
Whose victims begged vainly for mersey
Said, “Yes, you will suffer,
but it could be rougher;
at least you don’t live in New Jersey.”

A clever young lady from Kim
Would go every day to the gym
And then for an hour
She’d stand in the shower
To get the stench out of her quim

There was a young hooker from Lakewood
Who wasn’t so cute but could fake good
Why, every last wimp
no matter how limp
would watch her performance and make wood

The best thing about Lafayette
is a musical girl named Babette
She’ll pound on your bum
Like beating a drum
And boy, can she play clarinet

If you ever visit Last Chance
Be sure that you know how to dance
One fellow who stumbled
Was so badly humbled
The dumb S.O.B. shit his pance

There once was a small town named Lay
What else could I possibly say?

Oh, pity that hooker in Lincoln
Whose business is rapidly shrinkin’
Her face is still fair
and she has a nice pair
But her pussy is dried up and stinkin’

Three fine violinists from Littleton
Were having a bit too much fiddle fun
To help with these chores
they hired three whores
And viciously gang-raped the middle one

A plucky coal miner from Loveland
Became quite the pervert above land
He’d stuff lumps of coal
Into his asshole
And jerk himself off with his glove hand

A handsome young fellow named Jack
deflowered a blind girl from Mack
She said, “I’m not sure
if you’re rich or you’re poor,
but judging by that thing, you’re black!”

I know a cute girl from Manassa
So smart that she got into Vassar
She needn’t do work
`Cause she knows how to jerk
And there isn’t a prof who won’t pass `er

A weightlifting wonder from Marble
Put 600 pounds on his barbell
When hoisting that mass
He ruptured his ass
He’s fine, but the cleanup was hor’ble.

A randy old hooker from Mead
Was very proficient indeed
For she could devour
Twelve clients an hour
And swallow a gallon of seed

A cancer researcher from Meeker
Is also the town’s best-known streaker
He keeps his vaccines
At home in his jeans
But guess where he carries his beaker?

A vain Casanova named Nino
Came to a bad end in Marino
One flick of the knife
did not take his life
But was he still able to pee? No.

The jovial mayor of Minturn
Would help the townspeople and, in turn,
they’d vote for the guy
and turn a blind eye
Whenever he’d rape a male intern.

A naughty young singer from Mosca
Tried out for the film role of Tosca
Her acting was tame
Her singing was lame
`Twas blowjobs that won her the Osca.

A sensual hooker from Norwood
Earns more than your commonplace whore would
She hugs and she squeezes
and torments and teases
And gets all the men to make more wood

Oh how all the bachelors would shun
That portly old lady from Nunn
She’d sit on their laps
And take mighty craps
That weighed a proverbial ton

A giddy young pervert from Ouray
Loved watching gay porn on his Blu-ray
He’d sit on his thumb
`til actors would cum
Then wiggle it `round and shout, “Hooray!”

If you’re ever in Palisade
Be warned if you go to get laid
The girls aren’t nice
and they’re crawling with lice
So carry a big can of Raid.

A militant Negro from Parker
Said, “Man, I sure wish I was darker!”
That son of a bitch
Turned darker than pitch
With the help of a black magic marker

There is a young woman from Parlin
That all the men want to call darlin’
But when she gets close
They realize she’s gross:
her pussy smells like a dead marlin

An elegant lady from Peetz
Can do quite remarkable feats
Like strike a long match
On the lips of her snatch
And shoot gasoline from her teats

There is an old woman in Pierce
who likes to be fucked fast and fierce
Although she’s near 80
This dirty old lady
Can still lift her knees past her ears

I’ll never forget the four hours
I spent in the County of Prowers
I hired three whores
to pull down their drawers
and drench me with warm golden showers

They cheered that young singer from Radium
Last week when she played the Palladium
She did a wild dance
Then whipped off her pants
and fucked everyone in the stadium

I once knew a fellow from Rand
whose sex life was boring and bland
He’d strip to begin it
and pump for a minute
then finish the job with his hand

A miserable sailor from Routt
was riddled with cancer and gout
The last time he sailed
He wept and he wailed
and he flopped on the deck like a trout

A half-blinded hooker from Rye
Let customers cum in her eye
And though it sounds funny
To make extra money
She’d go into sperm banks and cry

I know a young lady named Ida
Who works on a farm in Salida
When she gets done mowing
She’d gives me some blowing
And lets me go halfway insida

A plucky young lady from Severance
Inspires a great deal of reverence
If you have a dick
That’s enormous and thick
She’ll take it all in and she’ll never wince

A succulent lady from Silt
Was physically perfectly built
For even the strongest
The widest and longest
Could stick it in up to the hilt

A slutty young lady from Snyder
Put 31 dildos insider
“I coulda done more,”
Said the talented whore
“If only my cervix were wider.”

I once knew a girl in Superior
whose outlook could not have been drearier
I hooked her on meth
and now she’s near death
But damned if she isn’t much cheerier

There is a young lady in Swink
Whose pussy is perfectly pink
But if you get closer
You best hold your nose, sir,
`cause, boy, does it give off a stink

There is a young lady in Teller
As blind as a young Helen Keller
When she steps in poo
It stays on her shoe
Till half of the county can smell’er.

A lesbian lady from Timnath
Was bicycling home on a dim path
Another young dyke
Came by on a bike
So they gave each other a quim bath

A corpulent tranny from Trinidad
Was desp’rate to look like a skinny lad
She pushed all her fat
Through the folds of her twat
And gathered it up in a minipad

A cheerful young psycho named Dale
Dismembered a woman in Vail
He stifled a grin
As he tore off her skin
And stuffed all her guts in a pail

I met a young lady from Victor
As pretty, she was, as a picter
And though she was cute
Her dad was a brute
Who spat on her twat when he licter

A sexy young lady from Vona
Would give all the fellas a bona
For 25 bucks
She’d ride the old fucks
And let them bust in her vajona

A troubled young woman from Ward
was so unbelievably bored
when she birthed her daughter
she drowned her in water
and ate the umbilical cord

There was a young woman in Wolcott
Who dated the dictator Pol Pot
She said, “He’s a brute
And not at all cute
But powerful men make my hole hot.”

A girl down in old Woodland Park
Had a swim at the zoo after dark
So free and bucolic,
Her dolphin-filled frolic!
That is, till she met Mr. Shark

A born-again Christian from Wray
Would wake up each morning and pray,
“Lord, thanks for my life,
My children, and wife.”
“Oh bullshit,” God told him, “You’re gay!”

A naughty old woman from Yampa
Kept vaginal lube in her hamper
She had to confess
Her clothes were a mess
But she sure fucked the hell outta grampa

A crazy zookeeper from Yuma
Had sex with a three-year-old puma
When he was asked why
He started to cry
And blamed it all on his brain tuma

There was a young woman from the statutory town of Log Lake Village
She died.


©2018-2020 David Lefkowitz

[March 2020] I had lived all my life in New York, but when my wife got a professorial teaching gig in Northern Colorado in 2009, off we went. Colorado’s a pretty great place, and I often miss it. While still living there, and for no particular reason, a couple of limericks came into my head about towns in Colorado. Before I knew it, I kept adding more and more until (as of this writing in March 2020), I had nearly 100 and counting.
Being limericks, they’re as rude and bawdy as possible, and being mine, they’re sick and disgusting whenever possible. Since April 2018, I’ve been reciting one per week on my podcast, Dave’s Gone By, advising listeners to get their children out of the room, or, if necessary, kill them, before their little minds are warped by these per-verses.

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by David Lefkowitz

Sept. 2018: Colorado Limericks of the Damned

Jan. 2016: Lech Mipo

Jan. 2013: Rabbi Lacey

Jan. 1991: JoAnne Worley, Bea Arthur, and Me

POETRY INDEX: https://wp.me/pzvIo-ts

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POEM: Rabbi Lacey


©2013 David Lefkowitz

The sun was bright and brilliant on that Rosh Hashanah day
And all the Jews in Hicksville came to synagogue to pray
They sat upon the benches with their machzors in their laps
The women talked, the children laughed, the babies took their naps

They wished each other health and joy and better months ahead
They talked of recent surgeries and who they knew was dead
But then, a hush did fill the room and quelled the cheery banter
For stepping to the bimah came the Rabbi and the cantor

“Good Yontif!”, said the man of cloth, “We’re glad that you are here
To celebrate this day that marks a brand-new Jewish year.
We hope that God will listen as we send our prayers to heaven.
Now open up your prayer books; we’re on page one-thirty-seven.”

The cantor started chanting, and the Rabbi set the pace
Their chemistry was awesome, and it showed on every face.
For everyone agreed it was the best they’d done so far
The crowd could hardly wait until the time of the shofar

They knew that Rabbi Lacey was a master of the horn
Oh, how he’d fill the air with stellar trumpeting that morn!
In all the tri-state area nobody could compete
With Rabbi Lacey’s thrilling tone, the magic of his bleat

And Jews from other synagogues would come from miles around
To hear the Rabbi blow his horn and make a holy sound.
He wowed them in Passaic, and he rocked in Oyster Bay
It only stood to reason he’d make history that day

And so the service moved ahead, and not a soul was tired
The Torah portion wasn’t long; the sermon was inspired
The Cantor sang a lovely hymn with trills and ululations
The Treasurer stepped up and made his usual fifteen-minute pitch for donations

But then the Mourner’s Kaddish came, and everybody knew
They’d hear Reb Lacey give that horn the best he ever blew
He marched across the carpet, and he gave the crowd a nod
He took the shofar in his hands and waved the tip to God

The time had come for him to blow the first of three big toots
He took a hefty breath that shook his molars to their roots
And then with exhalation grand, he blew a mighty gust
But nothing came from that shofar besides a puff of dust

A gasp went up among the crowd, “He’s faking!” someone said.
Then once again, the Rabbi held the ram’s horn to his head.
The Cantor said, “Be careful!” but the Rebbe waved him off
He wet his lips and swerved his hips and gave a little cough

He leaned against a pillar, and he clenched his belly tight
He popped a vessel in his eye and blew with all his might
But not a sound was heard except a sickly little squeak
And all at once the congregants were too aghast to speak

The Rabbi staggered forward with a wild look in his eye
“I’ll blow that goddamn shofar, or so help me God, I’ll die!”
He clutched that ram’s horn in his hands like Casey at the Bat
He tightened up his abdomen and pushed his belly flat.

His body shook so strongly that it rattled every shelf
“Don’t do it, Moish!” the Cantor cried, “You’re gonna poop yourself!”
“Too late,” the Rabbi whispered back, “though it may mean my death.
I’m blowing!” screamed Reb Lacey as he took one massive breath . . .

Oh somewhere in America the air is bright and clear
Where people order coffee and get bagels with a shmear
And when it comes to shofars, well, most Rabbis, they just do it.
But there is no sound from Hicksville; Rabbi Lacey, oy, he blew it.




I don’t recall whether this parody of Ernest Thayer’s Casey at the Bat was written to be performed by Rabbi Sol Solomon on my radio show, Dave’s Gone By, or as part of a sequel (of sorts) to Rabbi Sol’s stage show, Shalom Dammit!. I just know I love it every time I read it (the eye vessel line gets me every time) and hope it gets to be performed somewhere soon.

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©1991 David Lefkowitz

 I had a dream of sexual bliss
Love never made me feel like this
I was staring at the kitchen floor
When I heard a knock at the unlocked door.

“It’s open!” I shouted.
“Come in, please.”
And there stood Bea Arthur
In a purple chemise.

“May I use your phone?” the golden girl purred.
“No problem,” I said, but I don’t think she heard.
When the phone call was finished,
She yanked the receiver
Then lay on the sofa and showed me her beaver.

“Miss Arthur!” I gasped, “but you’re so famous!”
“Shut up!” she replied. “And finger my anus.”
Just then, the window flew up with a crash,
And into my room stepped another hot gash.
Her skin so pale, her hair so curly,
There she was, in the flesh, “Laugh-In’s” Jo Anne Worley.

Oh, what perfect ecstasy.
Jo Anne Worley, Bea Arthur and me.

Jo Anne stripped off her yellow thong
And snapped a rubber on my dong
And sprang up and said, “Get ready!
I learned this from Estelle Getty.”

She jammed her head between my thighs
Until I grew to massive size.
Jo Anne Worley took her place
With both cheeks resting on my face.

We really put on quite a show
Jo Anne Worley, Bea Arthur y yo.

No woman on earth, from Capetown to Cairo
Could match the snap of Jo Anne’s gyro.
We filled the bathroom with spice and champagne
While Bea Arthur climaxed again and again.
Jo Anne Worley screamed as she tore her brassiere
I only wish Ruth Buzzi were here!

I humped and I pumped till the ladies were sore
But Bea and Jo Anne just cried out for more.
Bea made me grovel and squeal like a pig
Jo Anne bit my neck, so I came in her wig.

We tried French ticklers, we tried Ben-Wa
Jo Anne Worley, Bea Arthur et moi.

Finally, our tryst came to a close
They packed in their boobs,
I tucked in my hose
We rolled up the carpet
`cause it was all sticky
Then Bea and Jo Anne both gave me a hickey.

Bea put the telephone back on the hook
And ran out the door with nary a look
“Hot damn!’ said Jo Anne. “My box is still tight.”
And quick as a flash, she vanished from sight.

I smiled, lay back and tried to recall
The highlights of this spectacular ball
When suddenly, my thighs were covered with cream
And that’s how I awoke from my dream.
Forever, I’ll cherish my fantasy
Jo Anne Worley, Bea Arthur and me.



Every once in awhile, I try to write something so vile, so unspeakably disgusting—just to see if I can (or see if I can top myself in excruciation). Examples of this include such gleefully rancid tunes as, “The Most Offensive Song Ever Written” and “My Doggy’s Christmas Gift.” Admittedly, now being in a post-Farrelly, post-MacFarlane, post-Schumer world (as opposed to being in merely a post-Bruce, post-Python one), shocking people with comedy is almost a hopeless proposition. And yet, like Sisyphus, I push on…


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humorous poem, (c)1986 David Lefkowitz


Higgledy Piggledy

NYU Graduates

Proudly ambitious and hard to avoid

Here they come, there they go


Swelling the ranks of the great unemployed.


Higgledy Piggledy

Johnny DeLorean;

Asked why he did it, he thoughtfully spoke:

“Research has proven that


Things in this country go better with Coke.”


Higgledy Piggledy

Wynton Marsalis went

into the woods and got bit on the phallus.

The snake said, “I acted

with lust, not with malice,

when I bit the phallus of Wynton Marsalis.”


Higgledy Piggledy

David Neil Lefkowitz

Suffers from writer’s block

Wrestles with it.

Never a quitter, he


Turns his attention to this piece of sh-t.



I have no idea why I was mocking poetry forms back in 1986—considering that was my final year getting a master’s in playwriting at NYU. I guess my cylinders were firing whateverwhichway back then.

Oh, and a clerihew is “a short comic or nonsensical verse, typically in two rhyming couplets with lines of unequal length and referring to a famous person.” Even then, I suspected the chances of my actually becoming famous were lessening by the minute. Or the syllable.

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