JOHN SMITH UNIVERSITY
(c)1984 David Lefkowitz
JOHN SMITH UNIVERSITY
Bulletin
a private person in the public service
The birth of JOHN SMITH in 1940 was an event generally overlooked by the world at large. His founders, Joseph and Jane Smith, intended to create a well-rounded individual who would eventually grow to make his mark upon society.
What significance, if any, Mr. Smith has had in this regard is subject to ongoing debate and study. This university is committed to the challenge of understanding this man via the facts and factors of his life. It is in this way, and in this way only, that we may hope to have some small insight into the phenomenon that was JOHN SMITH.
CALENDAR
1939: Joseph Smith and wife Jane copulate, resulting in
1940: Birth of John Smith. Staten Island, NY.
1941: First word: “mommy.”
1943: Party for third birthday. Eats too much cake and is sick.
1944: Enrolls in P.S. 146.
1947: Transfers to William Henry Harrison Elementary, a private school.
1951: Two-month quarantine for hepatitis.
1953: Family moves to Queens, NY. Enrolls in Queens Junior High School.
1954: First date. Wins class Math Bee. Fails Spanish.
1955: Passes Spanish. Fails geometry. Second date.
1956: Enrolls in Queens High School North. Part-time job in local candy store.
1957: Caught stealing candy bar from store. Reprimanded but not fired.
1958: First car. Wins award for excellence in Spanish.
1959: Satisfactorily completes high school course of study. Enrolls in University of Florida. Majors in Liberal Arts.
1961: Changes major to Communications with a minor in Languages. First sexual experience.
1962: Graduates from University of Florida. Gains weight. Takes minor position at small company in New Jersey.
1965: Gets engaged to Mary Williams.
1966: Marries Mary Williams. Major promotion. Suffers hernia.
1969: Death of mother.
1971: Takes important position at small company in Boston. Tests show wife Mary to be infertile.
1973: John and Mary separate. Gains weight.
1974: John and Mary reunited.
1975: Becomes Vice-President of Housewares, Inc.
1979: Listed in Massachusetts Who’s Who.
1981: Death of brother in car accident. First grey hair.
1982. Second honeymoon in Bahamas.
1984: Brief affair with unmarried lawyer. Death of father.
1987: IRS investigates back taxes of Housewares, Inc. Stock plummets but slowly recovers.
1988: Undergoes root canal.
1990: Undergoes minor depression. Stops smoking. Gains weight.
1991: Housewares, Inc. featured in article in business section of the New York Times. Stock takes off.
1992: Purchases land in Florida.
1993: Heart attack. Death of John Smith.
COURSE OFFERINGS
JS39-0001: INTRODUCTION TO JOHN SMITH
General survey of pre-birth family history and conditions. Embryonic-fetal period. Birth.
Christening. Fundamental sensory and motor development. Genetic makeup.
Midterm and Final.
JS39-0002: JOHN SMITH: THE BEGINNING
In-depth analysis of conception, gestation through birth. Problems posed: Why Caesarean? Was conception intentional or due to laziness or a subconscious mix of both? What was John Smith like as a fetus? Breastfeeding: did it lead to strength or weakness of character?
There will be several required screenings.
JS40-0003: JOHN SMITH: THE EARLY YEARS
(pre-requisite: JS39-0001 or JS39-0002 or the equivalent) Attempts to trace early patterns and traits to their subsequent fruition later in life: weight problem, ease with the tactile, need for affection, onslaught of words, contact with peer group.
Required reading: Mother Goose, My First ABC Book.
JS41-0004: FUNDAMENTAL OF LANGUAGE
Covers the first five hundred words understood and enunciated by John Smith. Special emphasis on syllables, guttural sounds, and short vowels. Words include: mommy, daddy, no!, hot, stop, don’t, please, TV.
JS41-0004B: SEMINAR: LANGUAGE ARTS
One-day seminar in conjunction with JS-0004. Deals with John Smith’s first use of the word “fuck” and its consequences. Selected readings from the work of David Mamet.
JS44-0005: EDUCATION I
Overview of the William Henry Harrison years, including the following: nap time, the Pledge of Allegiance, constant disappearance of chalk, papier mache, fire drills, crush on Mrs. Merrow.
Special guests will include: Mr. Wurtner, the yeller; Nice Mrs. Pegner, Mr. Connelly, the mean gym teacher.
Field Trip (optional) to Gimbels in Staten Island (constructed in 1968 after the school was torn down).
JS45-0006: BLONDES, BULLIES, AND BATHROOMS
Freeform class discussing Smith’s first heartthrobs and nemeses. Also covered: Smith’s fear of public bathrooms and embarrassing incidents in class.
JS51-0007: INTRODUCTION TO DISEASE
Visiting Doctor Saul Cohen will cover in depth Smith’s weight problem and bout with hepatitis, and how they may have taken their physical toll much later in life.
Required reading: A collection of “Get Well” cards from Mrs. McCollom’s class.
JS55-0008: THE LEARNING PROCESS
(open only to juniors and seniors)
Cursory overview of Math, American History, Spanish, English, Industrial Arts, Biology, and other subjects studied by Smith.
Preparatory work before the first day of class is recommended.
JS56-0009: CRIME – RING AROUND THE WHITE COLLAR
The sociological causes that led John Smith to steal six Hershey Bars in 1957. Was the punishment too lenient? Did it lead to a later erosion of values? Why Hershey Bars and not the more expensive Charleston Chews?
Midterm and Final. Failure will result in criminal prosecution.
JS56-0010: EDUCATION II
Overview of the Queens High School North years, including: free mods, Advanced Pledge of Allegiance, overhead projectors, report cards, green macaroni with grey cheese.
Special guests will include: Tom Kelloran – bully, now member of United States Senate; Loretta Salroy – cute redhead. Mr. Feltonblau – the mean gym teacher.
JS61-0011: SEX EDUCATION I
In-depth probes: first kiss, masturbatory guilt, erections during European History, casual touching of female breasts.
Some questions asked: Why not? Can I use my tongue? Your parents won’t be back until when? Couldn’t you just, like, touch it? What’s wrong with the couch? W-H-E-N???
Screenings and photo exhibition.
Note: Early registration advised as this course is usually filled quickly.
JS62-0012: BUSINESS I
Survey of Smith’s career as secretary at Palomo, Inc., New Jersey, manufacturer of shoe and sneaker laces. Concentrates on Smith’s development because of and despite such colleagues as: the boss, the boss’s son, the boss’s nephew, the entire payroll department.
Field trip to Palomo, Inc. for their annual Christmas party.
JS63-0013; COMMITMENT I
Psychological examination of John Smith’s choice to marry Mary Williams. Why did he wait until he was 26 years old? Was living together an option? Did Smith’s parents approve? Was it true about Mary and the school football team?
Short essays, Final.
Relationships helpful but not required.
JS63-0013B: SEMINAR – CEREMONY AND CELEBRATION
Weekend seminar in conjunction with JS63-0013.
Screenings of MOS films covering John Smith’s marriage ceremony and the catered reception that followed.
Topics covered: the undercooked roast beef, sociology and seating arrangements, Uncle Bill’s disgusting jokes. And why was the band so loud?
Refreshments will be served, but students are requested to bring their own cake.
JS69-0014: MORTALITY I
The death of Jane Smith left a profound effect on her son’s life. Special stress on the funeral, the burial, price of the coffin, the mourning process, overcoming grief. Attendance is mandatory.
JS70-0015: JOHN SMITH: THE MIDDLE YEARS
(pre-requsite: JS40-0003 or the equivalent)
Uses 1966-71 as turning-point years in the life of John Smith. His mother’s death is seen as foreshadowing his own, his marriage is compared and contrasted to that of his parents, and his hernia will be carefully examined.
Required reading: Selected works of John O’Hara, Dr. Spock’s Baby Book, Infertility: An Explanation.
JS74-0016: COMMITMENT II
Psychological examination of John Smith’s separation from and subsequent reunion with his wife Mary. Where was the problem and what was its resolution? When did they stop sleeping together? Was it true about Mary and the local Knights of Columbus?
Short essays, oral reports, and extended fights about nothing in particular.
JS75-0017: BUSINESS II
Covers John Smith’s rise through the ranks at Housewares, Inc. The move from New Jersey to Boston was a successful one, but did the marriage suffer because of it? Did John Smith ever actually buy anything from Housewares, Inc.? Was he the prime candidate for the vice-presidency, or was he just in the right place at the right time?
Required reading: Tax returns for Housewares, Inc., 1971-1987.
JS81-0018: PERSONHOOD
John’s recognition as an S.I.P. (Somewhat Important Person) and the death of his brother Jack were minor events in his life, yet they help define his character and place in society. Professor Gannitz analyzes why John Smith felt the most alone when the most people knew his name.
Field trip to a funeral in Staten Island. Dress optional.
JS84-0019; SEX EDUCATION II
Job stress and infertility are emphasized as major factors leading to the separation of John and Mary Smith.
In-depth probes: halitosis, performance anxiety, lack of desire, weight gain.
Some questions asked: Why not? What’s wrong with a little kinky? Do you ever feel like it? Why bother?
JS84-0020: FULFILLMENT
Four major events in John Smith’s life are covered: his second honeymoon, his affair, the death of his father, the tax investigation. Professor Caldwell makes broad generalizations in a vain attempt to tie these events together. Special emphasis given to how cheating on one’s wife and cheating on one’s taxes are essentially the same.
Required: vivid imagination and long attention span.
JS85-0021: COLLOQUIUM: ETHICS
(open only to those who have successfully completed JS75-0017 and have attempted something illegal within the last four years)
What makes a man steal from a candy store? What makes him steal from the government? Was John Smith committing anti-social acts, or was he just getting ahead the best way he knew how?
No attendance taken because we trust you.
JS88-002: HEALTH
(pre-requisite: JS51-0007)
Plagued throughout his life by physical ailments, John Smith, in his later years, confirms the connection between external events and internal ability. Visiting Professor Karsenblatt traces Smith’s rotting tooth to his tax difficulties at Housewares, Inc. Achieving this, he hopes to prove that a harrowing root canal led to Smith’s bout with depression, which in turn led to a generous weight gain, which inevitably let to a fatal heart attack which inevitably killed him.
Note: Students are advised that Professor Karsenblatt will not tolerate any concepts that do not directly support his thesis.
JS91-0023: INTRODUCTION TO JOURNALISM
Twice in his lifetime, John Smith’s career (if not his emotional well-being) received a tremendous boost from the printed medium. A mid-life listing in “Who’s Who: forever removed him from the ranks of utter anonymity, and the famous New York Times article of 1991 allowed him to live his last years in financial security.
Many consider these events to be the ultimate assessment of John Smith’s standing in society. Associate Professor Jenzi goes even further by asserting that Smith never achieved fame or contentment because he never appeared on television.
Required reading: McLuhan, Warhol, TV Guide.
JS93-0024: JOHN SMITH: THE LAST DAY
On May 8, 1993, John Smith woke up, put on his slippers, went to the bathroom, brushed his teeth, took a shower, went downstairs, kissed his wife and ate her scrambled eggs, took several vitamins with his juice, went back upstairs, and got dressed, went back downstairs and kissed his wife again, forgot his lunch, drove to work, paid the toll, typed three memos, dictated two letters, went out to lunch, probably left too big a tip, held a short meeting, made half a dozen phone calls, drank two cups of black coffee, argued with a sales rep, went to the bathroom, paid the toll, drove him, forgot to kiss his wife, ate her spaghetti, opened the mail, wrote three checks, had a snack, watched an hour of television, went upstairs, undressed, went to the bathroom, got into bed and watched another hour of television, fell asleep, and never woke up.
The aim of this course is to examine these events individually and collectively to discover in what ways they not only foreshadow Smith’s death but mirror his entire life. (Course open only to Advanced Seniors.)
JS93-0025: MORTALITY II
The death of John Smith. Who and what was left behind? Did he really die “young?” Was he prepared for the end? Did it really matter in the great scheme of things?
Field trip to the cemetery where John Smith is buried.
(Bring a boxed lunch.)
***********************
ALMA MATER
O, man among men
Unspoken, unspoken
O spirit of mortals
Unbroken, unbroken
One brief, earthly sojourn
A bright shining star
We hail thee, John Smith,
Whoever you are.
O. hero anonymous
Ever forever
Your light cannot die
Never forever
One life in the world
that time can’t undo
Thee still we remember
John Smith,
who are you?
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UNIVERSITY LOGO
John Smith university is open to anybody. Anybody at all.
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NOTES & BACKSTORY:
From my original notes to the piece: “The format of this short story is, quite literally, that of a college catalogue. We learn about the life of John Smith, a run-of-the-mill everyman, in dry, perfunctory detail, from a calendar of major events in his personal history.
The University’s course listings follow, each class examining an aspect of John Smith’s psyche and career. It soon becomes clear that his life has been almost tragically average and empty, despite the outer trappings of success.
The story closes with the school alma mater (where would a college be without one?), a biting send-up of the Latinate dirges we all know and love.
My Synopsis: John Smith University takes an unusual approach to an age-old literary question— the examination of life—and comes up with some funny, sad, all-too-human answers.”
Creepiest thought: Reading this piece, finished on Nov. 18, 1984, in 2019, I realize I have already outlived John Smith.
NOTE: I can’t draw the university’s logo on here, but it’s the Mars symbol with a question mark inside it and an arrow pointing out of it.
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The Collected Writings of... David Lefkowitz 