NON-FICTION – ESSAY – HUMOROUS: Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection #187 (6/15/2024): TONY AWARDS 2024

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #187 (6/15/2024): Tony Awards 2024

airs June 15, 2024 on Dave’s Gone By.  

Shalom, Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for June 16—Tony Night—2024.

Oh, my friends, the time has come as it does every year (except the year of the pandemic) to celebrate and honor excellence in the Broadway theater. The Tonys are named for Antoinette “Tony” Perry, an actress and early female stage director who founded the American Theater Wing, which brought shows to our servicemen in World War II. In 1947, Tony Perry and producer Brock Pemberton cooked up the idea of giving out prizes at the end of the season. Here we are, 77 events later, and the Tonys are a ritual, a commercial for Broadway, and an excuse to complain when musical numbers all sound the same or a performer we love gets egregiously overlooked. 

For me, the Tonys are also a time to remember, with pride, just how crucial Jewish people were in creating Broadway, and how they are still—even in this age of trannies and Sudanis and Kardashian fannies—a theatrical force to be reckoned with. For example, “Mary Jane” may be the most goyische name for a character ever, but Mary Jane the Tony-nominated play is by Amy Herzog. She’s half-Jewish on her mother’s side and comes from a long line of Marxist, far-left socialist, and other politically wrongheaded but super-Jewish beliefs.

Speaking of 50/50 Jewesses, Paula Vogel is back on the Tony roster with Mother Play, about a mama who smokes and drinks gin. Okay, not Jewish, but we don’t want her to be. Plus, last decade, Vogel wrote Indecent, that lovely play about Yiddish theater and lesbians, two subjects I can’t think about without reaching for a box of tissues, albeit for different reasons. 

Now, another nominated playwright, David Adjmi, is American-Syrian. (worried pause) Syrian-Jewish! (happy dance) Adjmi’s play Stereophonic, about a rock band in crisis, looks to be the one to beat for the Tony statuette. The competition is Jaja’s African Hair Braiding, by schvartze-shickseh playwright Jocelyn Bioh—hey, Jews can’t hog every nomination—and also a new play by Joshua Harmon, who wrote a comedy years ago called “Bad Jews!” 

Well, Harmon’s Prayer for the French Republic is a three-hour Jewfest, a heartfelt exploration of why Jews never feel safe anywhere for very long. If you can believe it, the play was written two years before the latest cataclysm and before every putz walking a college campus turned into a billboard for Hamas. One of the show’s characters is a progressive Jewish chick who rails against Israel because she doesn’t understand that without Israel, Holocaust II is just a sequel waiting to happen. For making that case alone, Joshua Harmon deserves an award—not from the Tonys but from the B’nai B’rith.

But before we get too serious, let’s find some other Yids in the Tony tally. Songwriter Shaina Taub, the shayna maidel who wrote the musical Suffs, has said that the Jewish idea of tikkun olam, repairing the world, is a vital part of her ideology. Half-Jewish Liev Schreiber just played Anne Frank’s father in a TV miniseries,and Michael Stuhlbarg, raised as a Reform Jew, was the Rabbinically cursed Larry Gopnik in the Coen Brothers’ film, A Serious Man.

Now, this does bring us to actress Quincy Tyler Bernstine. She’s black. And I have no idea if… (mouths) Bernstine? However, both her parents were lawyers, and she went to Brown University, so even if Bernstine is not a Bernstein, she’s fine. The same goes for special Tony winner Abe Jacob, a legendary sound designer who’s probably Jewish, but I can’t prove it, and Alex Edelman, whose one-man show, Just for Us, brings us back to—you got it—anti-Semitism as an American pastime. Edelman, raised Orthodox, talks about assimilating and wanting to be like everyone else but still feeling unsure how he fits in. He also recounts attending a meeting of Neo-Nazis just to study their mindset. Actually, I could have saved him a trip; just go to your nearest university student government and watch them vote on divestment.

But Mazel Tov to Alex Edelman, Featured Actress nominee Shoshana Bean, Featured Actor Steven Skybell (whose last big role was a Yiddish Tevye!), and let’s not forget half-Jewish Daniel Radcliffe! Yes, Harry Potter’s magic wand is circumcised.

Not surprisingly, we see many landslayt in the Best Musical Revival category—remember when all musicals were Jewish even when they weren’t Jewish? (sighs) Anyhoo, there’s Cabaret, Gutenberg! The Musical!, Merrily We Roll Along, and The Who’s Tommy—all with some Jewish connection. Cabaret covers the rise of Nazi Germany and its effect on Jews and Gentiles alike. Well, not alike: Jews suffered worse. But the score was co-written by John Kander—Jewish, and still alive at 97!—and Fred Ebb—no longer alive but Jewish when he was!

Gutenberg! The Musical! was written by two shaygitzes, but the name “Gutenberg” sounds Jewish, and, hey, he printed the Bible, so he gets a pass. Pete Townshend, who wrote the music for Tommy, has always looked Jewish, so thumbs up for that. And how can we leave out the melech malchei hamlachim, Stephen Sondheim, whose Merrily We Roll Along finally became a Broadway smash? That musical shows how youthful idealism corrodes into cynicism, disappointment, and schadenfreude. What could be more Jewish?

And so, chaverim, we await Broadway’s big night: the teary-eyed speeches, black actresses thanking the Lord, gay directors thanking their husbands, viewers at home thanking God that Jo Koy isn’t hosting. My hope for the Tonys is that anyone wearing a Gaza pin on their dress accidentally sits on it, and that we are spared acceptance speeches that sneak in brainless homilies on ceasefire and two-state solutions and other subjects pampered Broadway snowflakes know less than nothing about. Stick to art, stick to entertainment! I just wish they’d stop sticking it to consumers by charging $200 for orchestra seats. (Go figure how all these socialists don’t mind a little free-market capitalism when it comes to their paychecks.)

But I can get only so angry at the theater, which has given me so much nachas over the years. May creativity and beauty always be replenished, and may Broadway, that Fabulous Invalid, which has survived world wars, assassinations, Covid, and even TikTok, forever go on with the show.

This has beena Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York. Curtain up!

(c)2024 TotalTheater. All rights reserved.

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NON-FICTION – ESSAY – HUMOROUS: Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection #148 (8/6/2017): Roger Waters

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #148 (8/6/2017): Roger Waters

(aired Aug. 5, 2017 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C60YhWtS73Y)

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of August 6, 2017.

Today, my friends, I go swimming in foul waters. Brackish waters. Roger Waters! The former head of Pink Floyd is now a solo artist with delusions of relevance.

Waters has long been critical of Israel’s position vis-à-vis the Palestinians. According to Mr. Stink Floyd, Israel is always the bad guy: occupying land, denying Palis of their rights, existing. And Waters has made no attempt to hide his contempt for the only democracy—and sometimes the only civilized society—in the Middle East.

Who can forget the 2010 Waters concert, where his animated set design included B-1 bombers dropping mogen davids? Or, worse, the 2013 concerts, where, instead of launching beachballs and t-shirts into the crowd, he sent an inflatable pig with a Jewish star on it hovering over bewildered baby boomers, who just wanted him to shut up and play “The Wall.” And that’s the problem in a nutshell—or a nutcase. People still want to hear his old music, so that gives Waters a huge platform for his babble.

I’ll even grant that he thinks he means well. To Roger Waters, Israel is a torture state, an oppressive regime that doesn’t let a bunch of poor, bedraggled Arabs blow themselves up in peace. He’s not against Israel, he says; he doesn’t hate Jews; he’s merely a rabid anti-fascist. Except for someone who supposedly has nothing against Hebes, Waters takes every opportunity to savage our homeland. He equates Benjamin Netanyahu’s acceptance of Jewish settlements on Jewish land with South Africa’s apartheid and feels both should be countered the same way. As such, Waters has become the poster boy for BDS. You know BDS: Bondage, Domination, and Stupidity. Or more officially: Boycott, Divestment, Sanctions against Israel. In other words, hurt Israel financially, and the Jews will just slink off into the Red Sea and let the Palestinians take over land that they’ll just turn back into desert.

At least BDS isn’t the usual Moslem protest. Instead of flying planes into office walls, they just want to build a commerce wall around Israel. As part of his responsibilities being the BDS butt boy, Roger Waters has called on other musicians to avoid Eretz Yisroel and cancel any concerts they have planned there. In response, Thom Yorke and Radiohead, bless their hearts, went to Tel Aviv and played their longest concert in eleven years. Now granted, even they equivocated: “Playing in a country isn’t the same as endorsing its government,” Yorke said in a statement. “We don’t endorse Netanyahu any more than Trump, but we still play in America.”

Well, okay, I’ll accept Radiohead’s defensive half over Pink Floyd’s ass whole. And lest we think Roger Waters is anything other than a Goebbels with a guitar, look no further than his interview with the blatantly anti-Israel CounterPunch magazine. Waters complained about the “extraordinarily powerful” Jewish lobby in America, which he says makes it hard for other musicians to back him in his fulminating foolishness. Waters also bitched about Israel’s “right-wing rabbinate” supposedly causing, quote “the ethnic cleansing and systematic racist apartheid Israeli regime.” Ethnic cleansing. Right. Because Arabs are systematically murdered by the Israeli government for no other reason than the towels on their heads. Sure. That they start riots, kill soldiers, and blow themselves to pieces in cafes has nothing to do with Israel’s distrust of their breed.

I’m not saying Israel is perfect, or that the Prime Minister is right about everything. After all, a couple of weeks ago I, myself, blasted Netanyahu for reneging on a plan to make a small bit of the Wailing Wall co-ed. But I also understand what Israel is up against: ongoing hostility from the very neighbors who should take in the miserable Palestinians but won’t. For 80 years, little Israel has made the best of a situation that the Arabs have consistently made worse.

And Roger Waters? He won’t play Milk and Honey City? Let’s take a look at the schedule for his 2002 world tour, shall we? We shall. Let’s see, he started in South Africa in February. Well, there’s a country with a glorious history of justice. Oh, and then he moved on to Chile—no problems there. Argentina, which at the time was run by that bastion of morality, Carlos Menem. Let’s see…Brazil (where I’m sure Waters felt at home with the other Nazis), Venezuela (ditto), Mexico (because drugs and rock and roll do mix), Japan—because hegemonic nationalism was never an issue there. Oh, and then it was off to Beirut. Uh huh. And Moscow and Warsaw and Munich and Frankfurt and Stuttgart and Oberhausen and Vienna. Because when have Germany and Austria ever had a race problem?

A million times I have said that Israel is a Jewish state, and it is also a teeny-weeny state, so if the Palestinians don’t like living there, they should gas up their camels and move to any other Arab country that would have them. Which is, of course, none. Which is the real tragedy that putzes like Roger Waters, Susan Sarandon, Amy Goodman, and Javier Bardem never acknowledge. There is no occupation. There is a miniscule Jewish country that every Arab wants to level, and when the Jews fight back, or get strategic with blockades, the lefties wring their hankies and blame the good guys.

If I sound especially grim and intolerant, understand that I am writing this only a couple of days after three Israelis were stabbed to death by Palestinians in the West Bank, and a day after Arabs attacked the Israeli embassy in Jordan. Why the violence? The Palis were pissed off because Israel put in metal detectors by the Temple Mount. That started a riot, and three Arabs were shot by Israeli police. Yes, using deadly force against rioters is unfortunate, but over metal detectors? Something designed to keep everybody safe no matter what the religion? When I go in an airport, I’ve gotta take off my coat, my shoes, my belt, my watch. It’s a pain in the ass, but do I riot? No. And let’s not forget the reason we all have to get naked at JFK in the first place: the Arabs!

So Roger Troubled Waters, feel free to stay away from Israel. Plenty of bands who have actually made good music over the past forty years will take your place. And if you want to be the change you hope to see in the world, howsabout looking in the mirror? You were in Pink Floyd where the lead songwriter turned into an insane recluse, and the guy who replaced him can’t get along with you. You’ve been married four times—and divorced four times. And you’re an atheist, so even God has washed his hands of you.

You are the Pooper at the Gates of Dumb. You are the Atom Heartless Motherfucker. You’re the Dark Side of the Moron. The Final Cunt. A More-Than-Momentary Lapse of Reason. All in all, you’re just another Prick in the Wailing Wall, and I wish you weren’t here.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches, in Great Neck, New York.

(c) 2017 TotalTheater. All rights reserved.

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THEATER PLAY: The Blame Game (one-act comedy)

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THE BLAME GAME

a one-act play

by David Lefkowitz

David Lefkowitz

36 Berwick Road

Hewlett, NY 11557

970-405-3077

lefkowitz.dave@gmail.com

davelefkowitz.org

© David Lefkowitz All Rights Reserved

THE BLAME GAME

SETTING: 

Television game show with cheerful backdrop, a host’s rostrum, and three podia for contestants who await the start of the game. A separate area offers another podium and a large red circle on the floor. 

CHARACTERS

HOST (Tariq Al Nazari) – a smooth emcee. 

NOAM CHOMSKY – Elderly professor type run to seed.

AMY GOODMAN – Middle-aged hag. 

ALICE WALKER – Feisty older black woman.

ANNOUNCER’S VOICE (Hassan El-Haddad) – Lively and trippingly off the tongue.

TIME

Current

THE BLAME GAME

(As lights come up on three contestants, bouncy retro theme music plays as a Voice- Over Announcer intones: 

ANNOUNCER

Don’t Think, Don’t Blink… It’s time to play “The Blame Game!” The show where players do their best to assume the worst. And here’s our host: Tariq Al Nazari!

(Applause as host TARIQ AL-NAZARI strolls to his podium) 

HOST

Welcome friends from all over the world, great to have you with us as we play the game that is sweeping the planet. We have three fabulous contestants who will certainly make this a nail-biter.  Hassan, why don’t you tell us who’s playing “The Blame Game?”

ANNOUNCER

Tariq, our first contestant is a writer and behavioral theorist and the author of “Cartesian Linguistics.” Please welcome M.I.T. professor emeritus Noam Chomsky! 

(Applause) 

Contestant number 2 is a media journalist and host of the long-running TV and radio program, “Democracy Now,” Aaaaamy Goodman! 

(Applause)

And last but not least: she’s a Pulitzer Prize and National Book Award winner for her classic novel, The Color Purple. She’s also a poet and political activist. Please welcome Alice Walker! 

(Applause)

Wow, terrific panel!  Quite a battle of the minds tonight. Let’s get right to it.  Round One – the questions are worth 10 points apiece. The first player to reach 50 points advances to the bonus round. 

ANNOUNCER (CONT’D)

Everybody ready? Hands on your Blame Buzzers. First Question: On December 8^th, 1980, John Lennon –

(Alice Walker buzzes in)

ALICE WALKER

Mark David Chapman!

HOST

Is the correct answer, but please wait until I call on you to give your response. 

ALICE WALKER

Sorry.

HOST

It’s fine, but you are correct. 

(Bell rings) 

The blame goes toMark David Chapman who shot and killed John Lennon. Bad luck for him, but 10 points for you Alice Walker. 

(Canned applause) 

Next question: In 1846, American soldiers guarding a border were attacked by –

(Amy Goodman hits the buzzer)

HOST

Yes, Amy Goodman.

AMY GOODMAN

(deadpan, as she’ll be throughout) 

 Mexican soldiers?

(Bell rings) 

HOST

Very good. The Mexican cavalry attacked soldiers on the Rio Grande, leading to the Mexican-American War. Ten points for Amy.

Next Question: In 1982, hundreds of civilians were killed in a Lebanese refugee camp by right-wing Christian Phalangists. Who is to blame for –

(Noam Chomsky buzzes)

HOST

Noam Chomsky, who’s to blame?

NOAM CHOMSKY

Israel. Prime Minister Sharon deliberately stood by and allowed the massacre to happen.

(Bell rings)

HOST

That is correct. Israel was the culprit for 10 points. We have a three-way tie at 10 as we go to our next question: The Palestinian Intifada began as civil disobedience – 

(Amy Goodman buzzes)

HOST

Yes, Amy?

AMY GOODMAN

Israel?

(Bell rings)

HOST

Yes, Israel is correct. The IDF over-reacted to young, innocent Palestinians throwing stones and homemade bombs at them. 10 more points for Amy. 

(Applause)  

Next question: In 2014, hundreds of innocent civilians were killed when this country invaded Gaza on the pretext of a kidnapping –

(Noam Chomsky and Amy Goodman both hit their buzzers)

I think Noam got to the buzzer first. Yes, Noam Chomsky?

NOAM CHOMSKY

Is it Israel?

HOST

Are you asking me or telling me?

NOAM CHOMSKY

It’s Israel, Tariq.

HOST 

It is Israel!

(Bell rings, applause)  

Israel is, of course, to blame for violating the ceasefire and then launching Operation Brother’s Keeper and its ungodly assault on human rights.

ALICE WALKER

Right on, Tariq.

HOST

We’ve got Noam Chomsky and Amy Goodman tied at 20; Alice Walker not far behind with 10, as we move to our next question: On September 11^th, 2001, two commercial airplanes hit the World Trade Center – 

(Alice Walker buzzes)

ALICE WALKER

Israel.

(Bell rings)

HOST

That is correct.

(Applause) 

9/11 was the understandable Arab response to American support for Israel. Next question: The Holocaust –

(Noam Chomsky buzzes)

HOST

Yes, Noam?

NOAM CHOMSKY

Israel.

HOST

I’m afraid you’ll have to be more specific. 

(Noam Chomsky thinks for a moment but then gives up) 

HOST

No. Anyone else?

(Alice Walker buzzes) 

Alice Walker.

ALICE WALKER

The Jews? 

(Bell rings)

HOST

Yes, exactly.  

(Applause) 

The Jews brought German hatred upon themselves by owning banks and so on. Nice try, Noam, but as I’m sure you know, World War II ended in 1945, and Israel wasn’t vomited up until 1948. Good catch by Alice Walker there making the distinction between Israel and the Jews. 

ALICE WALKER

Well, I was married to a Jew once.  

(glowers) 

Once. 

HOST

Careful, Alice, you’re turning purple.

NOAM CHOMSKY

That’s her color, Tariq.

(Canned laughter) 

HOST

Well, we have Alice Walker in the lead with 30 points, Noam Chomsky and Amy Goodman tied for second. Our next question: Jesus Christ was – 

(Amy Goodman buzzes)

Amy Goodman? 

AMY GOODMAN

The Romans.

HOST

The Romans? Really?

AMY GOODMAN

Egged on by the Jews.

HOST

Ah, I don’t know if we can accept that. 

(He listens in his earpiece)

No, our judges say sharing the blame constitutes intellectual cowardice. You should have gone with Jews. Or we would have accepted “murdered by his own kind.”

AMY GOODMAN

Hey, I come from a family of Rabbis. I’ve known enough Jews to fill three ovens.

(Canned laughter) 

HOST

No points there, I’m afraid. But here’s the next question: At the Siege of Fort Pitt in 1763, Shawnee Indians were given blankets infected with smallpox –

(Noam Chomsky buzzes)

Noam?

NOAM CHOMSKY

Jews.

(Bell rings)

HOST

Yes, 10 points there. The Jews invented smallpox. Next question: The massacre of French cartoonists at Charlie Hebdo magazine over the portrayal of Mohammed – 

(Amy Goodman buzzes) 

Yes, Amy?

AMY GOODMAN

That would be Israel, Tariq.

HOST

That would be right for five points. Five more if you tell us why?

AMY GOODMAN

Jews created Superman. Superman’s a cartoon. Charlie Hebdo’s a cartoon. It all fits.

(Bell rings)

Obviously, Jews were a corrupting influence on modern art and design.

NOAM CHOMSKY

And medicine, and literature, and media… 

ALICE WALKER

And husbands.

(Canned laughter)

HOST

And back we are to a three-way tie. Remember that the third-place contestant gets a copy of the Blame Game Home Game, complete with an Israeli flag suitable for burning, and on blu-Ray, the complete works of Mel Gibson.  

(Applause)

HOST 

Ready for the next question: At the 1972 Munich Olympics —

(Amy Goodman buzzes)  

Amy?

AMY GOODMAN

Israel.

HOST  

You’ve done your homework. 

(Bell rings) 

Israel was to blame.

(Applause)

Those Jewish athletes had no business participating in sporting events with other countries that don’t oppress the Palestinians. Amy, you’re one question away from our bonus round.

AMY GOODMAN

This is exciting.

HOST  

Here goes:  Global warming –

(Noam Chomsky buzzes) 

Noam? 

NOAM CHOMSKY

Jews. Their big noses fog up the air and change the climate.

(Bell rings)

HOST 

I can see why you’re a college professor; you know something about everything.

NOAM CHOMSKY

Eat your heart out, Harold Bloom!

ALICE WALKER

If he is, he’s eating it with chopped liver and Russian dressing!

HOST

Now, now, Alice; let’s not be racist. Russian dressing is just a blend of mayonnaise and ketchup that has nothing to do with Russia or the Baltics. No fair stereotyping them. 

HOST (CONT’D)

Anyway, next question: In 2003, American peace activist Rachel Corrie was killed in Gaza – 

(Alice Walker buzzes)

Alice Walker?

ALICE WALKER

Israel.

HOST

No. Anyone else?

(Noam Chomsky buzzes)

Noam?

NOAM CHOMSKY

The Jews.

HOST

Sorry, no. Amy, you want to take a stab?

AMY GOOMDAN

Israeli soldiers?

HOST

No, the correct answer is “bulldozer.” Next one: Known for kidnapping young girls and killings civilians, the Boko Haram organization –

(Alice Walker buzzes)

Alice Walker?

ALICE WALKER

Jews!

HOST

Umm, not sure if I can accept that. We were looking for something a bit stronger.

ALICE WALKER

Jew bastards!

(Bell rings)

HOST

Yes, well done! 

(Applause)

What a game, ladies and gentlemen. All three of our contestants are tied at 40, one question away from the bonus round. Remember that our second-place winner flies to New York to be the guest of honor at a United Nations general assembly. You’ll be there to see Susan Sarandon, Penelope Cruz, and Roger Waters all give speeches asking for the borders of Israel to be moved directly into the Mediterranean. Time for our next question: “Stockbroker Bernard Madoff was convicted –

(Amy Goodman buzzes)

HOST

Amy?

AMY GOODMAN

Jewish greed?

HOST

No, sorry, we were looking for Jewish genetic evil. Close though. Next question: Although abysmal, the Broadway musical Cats ran for 18 years – 

(Alice Walker buzzes)

Alice?

ALICE WALKER

Andrew Lloyd Webber.

HOST

No, let me finish.  The Broadway musical Cats ran for 18 years despite its lack of plot and – 

(Noam Chomsky buzzes)

Noam Chomsky?

NOAM CHOMSKY

T.S. Eliot.

HOST

Sorry, no. This one’s all yours Amy Goodman. Who’s to blame for the unfathomable longevity of Cats?

AMY GOODMAN

The Jews?

HOST

I need a more complete answer.

AMY GOODMAN

The Jews and Israel. 

(Bell rings)

HOST

We have a winner of the first round. Amy Goodman! 

(Applause)

ALICE WALKER

What a surprise. A Jew wins on TV.

NOAM CHOMSKY

Now, Alice, it’s the Israeli government we hate, not the terrible race it represents.

(The host walks Amy Goodman to another part of the set and centers her within the red circle on the floor) 

HOST

Congratulations, Amy. How do you feel?

AMY GOODMAN

I have Bell’s Palsy. I feel as good as I look.

HOST

Well, you answer better than you look because you’re here in the bonus round. This is where you can rack up a whole lot of money for your charity. Hassan, tell us what she’s playing for!

ANNOUNCER

Well, Tariq, Amy Goodman will be raising money for the non-profit organization, Red, White & Red. From Manifest Destiny to its unquestioning support for the Jewish Terror State, the U.S. has been a geo-political nightmare. So star by star, stripe by stripe, Red, White & Red cuts America down to size. Chop chop, Tariq!

(Applause.

While the announcer is speaking, Tariq reaches behind the rostrum and pulls out a helmet with an opaque frontal visor which he helps lift onto Amy Goodman’s head)

HOST 

Thank you, Hassan. All right, Amy, are you ready for the bonus round? 

(Amy Goodman nods)

Great! Amy is wearing our special Blame Game virtual-reality helmet. She’s able to hear me, but what she sees are images projected on a small screen literally before her eyes.

(Tariq goes behind the rostrum and produces a large toy sword) 

Here’s how the bonus round works: I’m going to list some surnames, and pictures of those people will pop up in Amy’s visor. When a Jewish person appears, Amy, you’re gonna take this sword –  

(Hands it to her, and she begins awkwardly testing it) 

and lop off the head of the Yid. For every Jew you decapitate, you get $100 towards your charity. However, if you kill an Irishman, African-American, or any other ethnicity, that’s $50 deducted from your total. How you doin’ with that sword, Amy?

AMY GOODMAN

I told you I had palsy, right? 

(Canned laughter)

HOST

(laughs along)  

No excuses, Amy, this is television. You have 60 seconds.  I wanna see you make some bearded heads roll. Are you ready?

AMY GOODMAN

I think so.

HOST

Start the clock…and…GO!

(Tariq reads names off his index cards as Amy Goodman flails and slices with her sword)

Markowitz! Horowitz! Reznikoff! Jaffe! Lieberman! O’Reilly!

(Amy checks her swing)

Good! Bar-Ilan! Yaron! Guttman! Smith . . . stein.

(Amy Goodman holds off, then swings)

HOST

30 seconds. 

(rapidly)

Levinson! Goldstein! Finebloom! Applebaum! Mohammed!

(Amy Goodman can’t check her 

last swing)

Did she swing? Judges? Ahh, okay, you lost 50 there. Gotta be careful. 20 seconds. Breslau! Abramov! Greenblatt!  Kornbluth! Herzl! Schimmelfarb! 10 seconds!

ALICE WALKER

(calling)  

You get `em, girl!

HOST

Jefferson!

(Amy Goodman holds off)

HOST (CONT’D)

Rosmarin! Shapiro! Weiss! Goodman!

(Amy is caught, suspended between slicing and stopping)

The name’s Goodman.

(Amy Goodman rotates and stumbles, unsure what to do.  This continues through the following dialogue and music)

NOAM CHOMSKY

Interesting conundrum, Tariq.

HOST

Yes, Noam. Would you say it’s a crisis of conscience?

NOAM CHOMSKY

I think it’s more self loathing conflicting with self preservation.

ALICE WALKER

Hell, no. It’s just white people ain’t got no game.

HOST

Well, we’re going to pause the clock just to see how Amy Goodman resolves this quandary.  

(Theme music plays) 

It’s a cliff-hanger, folks, so tune in tomorrow to see what happens. Noam Chomsky, Alice Walker, thanks for playing.

(Music louder, colored lights flash as announcer speaks and Amy Goodman continues her perambulations)

I’m Tariq Mahmoud Al-Nazari saying, Remember: the name of the game is Blame!

ANNOUNCER

(reading quickly)

The Blame Game is a co-production of the Pacifica Foundation and the Al Jazeera satellite network. Any rebroadcast, reproduction, or other use of the pictures and accounts of this game show, without the express written consent of Galliano Enterprises, is prohibited and punishable by stoning. For all of us here at The Blame Game, I’m Hassan el-Haddad reminding you that the fault is not in our stars but in our Semites. Good night!

(Music fades quickly and lights dim, except for a spotlight on Amy Goodman, still meandering with her 

sword. 

Hold on the silence until, suddenly, she cries out and slashes.  Lights out.)

END OF PLAY

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(c)2015 David Lefkowitz

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NON-FICTION – ESSAY – HUMOROUS: Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection #63 (4/14/2013): JEW IN A BOX

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #63 (4/14/2013): Jew in a Box

Aired April 14, 2013 on Dave’s Gone By. Youtube clip: http://youtu.be/r95LRvs7oUk

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of April 14th, 2013.

What’s even creepier than a jack-in-the-box? A Jew-in-a-box. What’s creepier than a Jew-in-a-box? A Jew in a box in a museum in Germany. No, they’re not doing a revival of Man in the Glass Booth – though they should, because I hear Gilbert Gottfried is available. No, instead, the Jewish Museum in Berlin – I know, Berlin is a Jewish Museum, or is that mausoleum? – anyhow, the Jewish Museum of Berlin has an exhibit about Jews called “The Whole Truth.” And they’ve got funny yarmulkes and displays about Kosher cooking and circumcisions – hopefully not the same display.

But the exhibit garnering the most attention and controversy – to the point that the New York Times featured it last week – was of a live Jewish man sitting in a glass box. This young man sits on a little cushion, takes questions, and is just observed by visitors to the museum. Responses to this bit of performance art ranged from whimsical appreciation to scoffs about bad taste. One woman said her ancestors spent enough time in German boxcars, she didn’t need to see a living Jew in a terrarium.

I am mostly on the side of the museum in this. I’m for anything that rubs the Germans’ faces in Forties. But the exhibit also asks a legitimate question: after the Holocaust and the near-annihilation of every Jew in the region, how does the country respond to a new crop of Yiddlach living and working in their midst?

You might ask: Rabbi, aren’t you shocked by the idea of displaying a middle-class Jew in a Lucite case, or, as one might call it, Peasant Under Glass? The answer is no. Every other city has a Holocaust museum now. Pretty soon they’ll have drive-in McDachaus. So to make an impact, you need to do something startling and transgressive. Let’s not forget, the Shoah began in earnest on Kristallnacht – the night of broken glass. So putting a Jew behind glass has a little bit of the “nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah, you can’t get me” about it.

More importantly, though, isolating the Jewish person this way makes a statement about how people of any culture view outsiders. Pass by a bum sleeping on the streets of New York; how do you look at him? Kind of like a tarantula in a zoo exhibit. It’s ugly, unsettling, fascinating from a distance, but you wouldn’t want to find it in your bathroom. Go look at the crowds in San Francisco’s Chinatown. If you’re Chinese, they’re kin; if you’re not Chinese, it’s like watching ants. Well, slant ants. And how do WASPs look at Somalian workers in Colorado? The same way Jews look at shiksehs in Loehmann’s. Aliens among us.

Put another way, we’re all living under someone else’s glass box. Say you’re a stranger knocking on my container, and you say, “Hi. Tell me about yourself.” We might start talking and sharing experiences until – gasp, great revelation – you’re just like me, and I’m just like you – well, maybe not exactly like you because I have a foot fungus thing that my dermatologist is checking into, but other than that . . .

I do think the Jewish Museum in Berlin missed an opportunity with “The Whole Truth” if they’re trying to display an average Jew. For sociological purposes, why not put the Hebrew in his natural habitat? Don’t plunk him in a sterile cube, show him in a delicatessen asking for more coleslaw. Show him at an Orioles game deciding whether to go to the bathroom at the bottom of the sixth or wait till the seventh-inning stretch. 

Show him at a Young Israel mixer deciding whether the girl with the diet Coke is worth dancing with or should he take a run at the skinnier chick who’ll probably shoot him down but just might be on the rebound and therefore needy. These are the true quandaries facing Jews in the modern age.

Should the museum ever ask me, I would be happy to participate in their exhibit, even in the glass box. Just give me a plate of herring, a Dr. Brown’s cream and a five-ounce nasal spray, and let the young Berliners come. If they ask me, “What is it like being a Jew in today’s Germany?” I would just say, “Wouldn’t your great grandparents like to know.”

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

(c) 2013 TotalTheater. All rights reserved.

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NON-FICTION – ESSAY – HUMOROUS: Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection #45 (9/30/2012): SUBWAY SAVAGERY

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #45 (9/30/2012): Subway Savagery

Aired September 29, 2012 on Dave’s Gone By.  Youtube: http://youtu.be/5EnyHNhpAwA. https://davesgoneby.net/?p=29327

Shalom Dammit! This is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of September 30th, 2012.

When was the last time you gave a rat’s tuchas about a subway advertisement?  You’re walking on the platform at 42nd Street or 14th Street, and what do you pass? There’s an ad for a new horror movie that looks horrible. There’s an ad for a new Kevin James film that looks even more horrible than the horror movie. Then you get those ads from the MTA warning you to watch the gap or if you see something, say something.  Which is ridiculous, because if you spoke out every time you saw something weird or scary on the subway, you’d never shut up!

But this past week has put the New York subways in the news in a way they haven’t been since those flash mobs had people climbing aboard wearing no pants. How I missed that, I do not know. I keep hoping I’ll see women with no pants on the M-4 bus, but no luck.  I’ve seen one or two pantsless men, but that was not a political statement, those were homeless guys getting too friendly with my leg.

Anyhoo, this week, an organization called the American Freedom Defense Initiative won the legal right to put up posters in the New York subway system. In big white letters on a black background, they have this quote: “In any war between the civilized man and the savage, support the civilized man,” unquote. Underneath, in blue letters, it says, “Support Israel.” Under that, in red letters, “Defeat Jihad.”

As you might expect, a firestorm of controversy has greeted this ad campaign, with Arabs freaking out, and Jews who are afraid of Arabs freaking out even more.  Now, it’s hard to argue with the basic message: When you have one country that is a friend to the United States and is the only democracy in the middle east, you have to support it.  When you have an ideology that is bent on destroying Western civilization through fear, violence and torture, it’s probably a good idea to oppose it.

First, let’s put the quote in context. It originally comes from novelist Ayn Rand, a Jewish Russian who wrote two great and very, very, very, very, very, very long books called “Atlas Shrugged” and “The Fountainhead.” In 1973, Rand was upset about the Yom Kippur War – you know, the one where the Arabs attacked Israel on the holiest day of the year?  And she made some seriously anti-Arab remarks that went a lot farther than the 18 words paraphrased in the subway ad. Still, considering the circumstances, her anger and racism were, if not excusable, certainly understandable in context.

And it’s hard to argue with the text of the ad. “Jihad” means religious war.  It is the struggle of Muslims against anything remotely threatening to their way of life.  Unfortunately, that could be anything from defending the ancient Byzantine Empire to putting a price on Salman Rushdie’s head. Or worse, cutting off Theo Van Gogh’s head.

And let’s not forget that happy little day in September 2001 when Al Qaida decided to teach America a lesson in religious tolerance and brotherhood.

But okay, I am not immune to the subtleties of language.  If you call one group savages, and then you say “support Israel,” there is a coded message that over-generalizes.  Even though the advertisement doesn’t say all Muslims are savages, there’s still a nasty undertone.  It’s like when people say Midwesterners won’t get a joke because it’s too New York – we know what they really mean.

And so, the call has gone out to take the posters down, Arab-American protesters have been arrested for spray-painting over them, twats are tweeting on their twitters that the ad is just throwing gasoline on the fires of racial intolerance from both sides.

How do I feel about the whole thing?  Thank you for asking. First of all, I agree with the message of the poster 100 percent, but only IF we take Jihad to mean the darkest, worst part of the Muslim credo. Others have pointed out that “holy war” does not have to be violent, and that an Arab rejecting a ham sandwich is obeying Jihad, just the way a Jew rejecting bacon is obeying Kashrut.  Except the Jew has it harder because bacon is soooo good.

The wording of the sign is inflammatory, or at least uncomfortable, especially in the subway. It’s an underground, closed-in space, and if I were standing next to a Muslim next to that sign, I’d feel ooky – just as ooky as I do when I’m on the train and some asshole bellows a verse of “Amazing Grace” hoping people will give him money so he won’t sing the second verse.

There are better places and better ways to make the case for defending Israel, and for keeping our guard up against the Ahmadinejads and the Mullahs – and the Bin Ladens and the Arafats and the small number of Arab Muslims who force us to hate and fear the millions of Muslims who are not savages. Well, except when they’re watching soccer.

If only they would change the sign to read, “Support Israel. Stop Terrorism.”  Or, “Support Peace, Ban the Taliban.” Something we can all get behind.  In any war between the subtext and the urtext, be careful with both.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection from Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

(c) 2012 TotalTheater. All rights reserved.

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NON-FICTION – ESSAY – HUMOROUS: Rabbi Sol Solomon’s Rabbinical Reflection #6 (2/26/2011): CHARLIE SHEEN

RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION #6 (2/26/2011): Charlie Sheen 

aired February 26, 2011 on Dave’s Gone By. https://davesgoneby.net/?p=32940.  Youtube: Rabbinical Reflection #006 – Charlie Sheen

Shalom Dammit, this is Rabbi Sol Solomon with a Rabbinical Reflection for the week of February 27th, 2011.

Chaos, turmoil, madness, uncontrolled rebellion – no, I’m not talking about Libya, I’m talking about Charlie Sheen. The handsome but unprincipled actor who makes Lindsey Lohan look like Rebecca of Sunnybrook Shtetl.

After yet another stay in rehab – ooh, that must have been a tough three days – Sheen pronounced himself fit as a fiddle and ready for work.

Just what CBS wanted to hear about their hit show, “Two and a Half Men.” Only Charlie Sheen’s idea of being ready for work is vilifying his boss – the show’s creator – on syndicated radio.

He called producer Chuck Lorre an earthworm, a maggot, and a charlatan – which is pretty strong stuff to call anyone who isn’t a lawyer.

But okay, who among us hasn’t said terrible things about their boss? I once called the chief of the Southeast New England Board of Rabbis a douchebag. Because he was. But I didn’t do it in public. I did it quietly, behind his back, the way you’re supposed to insult people.

More upsetting in the latest Charlie Sheen incident is his migration into Mel Gibson mode. In Sheen’s rant, and apropos of nothing, the actor repeatedly calls Chuck Lorre by his birth name, “Chaim Levine.” Sheen claims he did it as a way of calling out the real man, instead of the guy’s phony Hollywood persona. Too bad it sounded like Sheen saying, “Here’s another Jew using his money and power to abuse poor, underpaid actors.”

Yes, Chuck Lorre did change his name from Chaim Levine. Just like Archie Leach switched his name to Cary Grant, and Arthur Rosenberg magically became Tony Randall.

But in this day and age, what kind of pathetic loser would change his name to make it less ethnic and more saleable in Hollywood? Gee, Carlos Estevez – d’ya think there’s a possibility changing your name to Charlie Sheen got you playing boyfriends and lotharios instead of Mexican drug dealers and auto mechanics? Just ask your brother Emilio how much work his name got him.

Now I’m not in agreement with concealing your heritage, but sometimes you do what you have to do, to get a job. For example, when I first started looking for a job as a rabbi, I had to change my real name. What synagogue would hire Fergus O’Malley?

No, I’m kidding, but seriously; it is not surprising to hear anti-Jewish slurs tumble from the mouth of a Sheen. Charlie’s father, Martin, has been a longtime Palestinian sympathizer. He even appeared at a right-of-return rally alongside Ralph Nader and Susan Sarandon back in 2000. Yeah, let’s give Palestinians right of return – as soon as Americans have right of return to the 93rd floor of the World Trade Center.

Anyway, CBS-TV has finally said, “goodbye Charlie” and halted production on “Two and a Half Men,” which should really be called “A-Man-and-a-Half and a Moron.”

Meanwhile, the moron believes that he has successfully completed rehab – no problem with alcohol, no problem with drugs, no problem with beating the crap out of prostitutes. Come to think of it, no wonder Martin Sheen is pro-Arab: his son would make a great Libyan dictator!

Perhaps I’m being cruel. From watching “Celebrity Rehab,” I know addiction is terrible, and the nasty things Charlie Sheen says are just his disease talking. Then again, if diseases could talk, my hernia would have its own blog.

I do not wish ill on Charlie Sheen. I do not wish well on him, either. We can pretty much stop hoping he’ll ever be a “Two-and-a-Half Mensch,” but at least he could grow up and get some real help. Why, he could even go to the Chabad people – a telethon his own father has pitched for.

And if Charlie feels like calling the Chabadnicks by their Jewish names, I’m sure they won’t mind.

This has been a Rabbinical Reflection by Rabbi Sol Solomon, Temple Sons of Bitches in Great Neck, New York.

(c) 2011 TotalTheater. All rights reserved.

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