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Archive for the ‘Songs – Parodies’ Category

© 2020 David Lefkowitz. Sung to the melody of Amilcare Ponchielli’s “Dance of the Hours” and Allan Sherman’s “Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh (A Letter from Camp).” The song debuted on the Aug. 29, 2020 episode of the long-running radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By.

To hear Dave perform the song:  http://davesgoneby.net/?p=24510

HELLO COVID (A Letter from Cramps)

Hello Muddah
Hello Fadduh
Things are weird at
Camp Grenada

It is quite a
strange community
As we try to give each other herd immunity

Different cultures
different races
spitting into
each other’s faces

Every time that
someone sneezes
We get close so we can catch all their diseases

In the mess hall
they serve taters
which are kept near
ventilators

Sharing napkins
and toothbrushes
and the paper that we use to wipe our tushes

Now the kitchen
was inspected
To make sure the
food’s infected

You remember
Andy Cyrus
He went home and killed his grandma with the virus

Make me sick
Oh muddah fadduh
Do it quick
So notanotha day goes by
where I am in this place
of kids all coughing in my face

Say you will
Oh muddah fadduh
Make me ill
At Camp Grenada
Life’s so cruel cuz if my head stays cool
That means I’ll have to go to school.

Now my bunkmate
thinks he’s wiser
He’s been drinking
sanitizer

“Safe than sorry!”
is his credo
So we drool into the cheese in his burrito

Now he’s leaning
on a railing
cause his organs
are all failing

If we lose him
to infection
Maybe I can take his baseball card collection.

All the girls are weaving baskets
to hold onto
In their caskets

They’re such pretty
basket weavers
When their little cheeks turn red from spiking fevers

Wait a minute
no one’s crying
No one’s coughing
No one’s dying

Muddah Fadduh
Soon I’ll see ya
By the way, I got the herp and gonorrhea.

(c)2020 David Lefkowitz

NOTES & BACKSTORY:

[Aug. 2020] Arguably the most known and loved song parody of all time, Allan Sherman’s “Hello Muddah, Hello Fadduh” has been a staple of the Dr. Demento radio show since I was in my pre-teens. In fact, I’m pretty sure I once called in on Dr. D’s request line to have it played. Forty-five-plus years later, I penned these lyrics, put them to a karaoke version of the Sherman classic, and sent it off to Dr. Demento (fingers crossed). Here’s the audio: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=24510

If the story makes no sense taken out of context 20 years from now (fingers again crossed), my song was written during the coronavirus pandemic. News stories, probably apocryphal, had parents intentionally bringing their kids together in parties and camps so that they’d transmit a mild version of the disease to each other and thus develop immunity—kind of like what parents did with chicken pox two generations earlier. Since I hated going to camp as a child and camping as an adult, it was hard to resist updating this ode to Camp Grenada. 

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I FEEL BAD

(c)2020 David Lefkowitz & Rabbi Sol Solomon. Sung to the melody of James Brown’s “I Got You (I Feel Good).”

(Oy!)
I don’t feel good
At least, not like I should
I feel bad
It’s driving me mad
no good
no good
`cause I’m a Jew

I’m in hell
Because I’m unwell
It’s not cool
There’s blood in my stool
So sick
Septic
This ain’t flu

When I visit
Dr. Black
He calls me a hypochondriac
Then I holler
and I cry
“Better take a fresh MRI!”

I feel off
I got a bad cough (CHEHH!)
I’m in pain
My sinus won’t drain
I itch
I twitch
What can I do?

When it rains
I get migraines
When it’s hot
I’m dripping with snot
Oy vey
I pray
I’m a Jew

On the sidewalk
I tripped
And now I need a new hip
I was drinking
herbal tea
Till it put yeast in my pee

I feel meh
and borderline bleh
Makes me cry
I hope I don’t die
So ill
I’ve still
Got the flu

Oh no
Oh no
I’ve no HMO!

CHHEH!

 

***************
NOTES & BACKSTORY:
[April 2020] Just a fun ditty, penned April 6, 2020, that I thought I’d dash off quickly but took a few weeks to finally be satisfied with. Weirdly enough, I put the finishing touches on it at the height of the 2020 coronavirus pandemic but had started it before anyone had even heard of the disease.

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TOILET PLUME

(song parody sung to the 1867 tune of “The Flying Trapeze” by lyricist George Leybourne & composer Alfred Lee.)

It flies through the air with the greatest of ease
A big toilet plume of your tainted feces
When you squeeze a poopie from deep in your tush
It reaches the world when you flush

The dinner you ate in your kitchen last night
Is hanging around in the room
Whoever inhales will be swallowing down
The doo-doo you left in your plume

It flies through the air like a great bird of prey
The morsels of stool that explode in your spray
So when you make doody just keep it well hid
And make sure you lower the lid.

The droplets of dookie get aeorosolized
And easily passed to the lungs
If you leave your seat up, then please be advised
that strangers are tasting your dungs

That fly through the air from an open latrine
Dispersing the microbes of COVID-19
So kindly remember when you’re making slop
To reach down and lower the top.

© 2020 David Lefkowitz

*******************************

NOTES & BACKSTORY:
[April 2020] This was written, April 3, 2020, to be performed as part of the “Greeley Crimes & Old Times” segment of my weekly radio show/podcast, Dave’s Gone By the following morning. In the segment, we often go “elsewhere” for odd stories in the news. I found one (in the New York Post, natch) reminding folks that some researchers advise closing the lids on toilets when you flush so that microscopic particles don’t go in the air.
The recommendation itself was not new—I’d heard it years earlier regarding the downside of hand dryers recycling air in public rest rooms—but this story came during the height of the Coronavirus pandemic (aka COVID-19), which was America’s latest bubonic/polio/swine flu nightmare (for those of you still alive and reading this 20 years from now).

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OFF COLOUR

(c)2018 David Lefkowitz

(Sung to the melody of Donovan’s “Colours”)

Yellow is the color of my grandma’s pants
When I change them, twice a day
Yes, I change them, but it’s okay
`Cause in time
`Cause in time
I’ll get what’s mine

Green is the color of my grandma’s teeth
In the evening, in a glass
When I wipe her bony ass
There’ll come a time
There’ll come a time
When I won’t mind

Blue is the color of the bruise on her arm
When I make her take her pill
When I make her sign her will
There’ll be time
There’ll be time
I’ll get what’s mine

Brown is the color of her casket lid
in the graveyard where she lies
Hey, it’s normal, everyone dies
So I’m fine
Yeah, I’m just fine
It was her time

Black is the color of the ink on her will
That the lawyer stamps and signs
That the lawyer stamps and signs
It’s all fine
On the dotted line
And now it’s mine

Green is the color of my bank account
Thank you, grandma!

********************
NOTES & BACKSTORY:

This came to me, for absolutely no reason, when I was sitting in my car at a traffic light. I’ve known the Donovan song for 40 odd years, but suddenly the idea of colors being applied to a wizened senior struck me as a can’t-miss opportunity. In fact, the first line that occurred to me—“blue is the color of my grandma’s hair”—never made it into the final song. After a couple of days’ thought, on Feb. 26, 2018, I found the song’s story (a grandson copes with tending to nana’s wretched needs by keeping his eyes on the prize), and the lyrics were finished off in about half an hour. An hour or so later, I even had the video up: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=11941.

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SONG: AR-15

AR-15

©2018 David Lefkowitz

(Sung to the melody of Richard M. Sherman & Robert Sherman’s “You’re Sixteen”)
I’ll walk into the school
Feeling so cool
Everything’s gonna be fine
AR-15, you’re deadly, and you’re mine

I’m all ready to kill
Fire at will
Shoot some kids in the spine
AR-15, you’re deadly, and you’re mine

You’re my rifle
You’re my gun
I’m gonna point you at everyone
The graceful girls
The popular jocks
I wish I had some more bump stocks

I’ll walk out of the school
And into the yard
Join the other kids in a line
AR-15, you’re deadly, and you’re mine.

Get revenge with lethal force
Tell my lawyer I’m feelin’ remorse
Democrats scream
Republicans pray
God, how I love the N.R.A.

`Cause I’m Nikolas Cruz
All over the news
Sure wish I had a TEC-9
AR-15, you’re deadly, and you’re mine
AR-15, you’re deadly, and you’re mine
AR-15, you’re brutal, and you’re fine

All die, all die, all die
all die, all die, all die, all die, all die
All die, all die, all die, seventeen times.

************
NOTES & BACKSTORY:
On Valentine’s Day 2018, 19-year-old Nikolas Cruz returned to the high school from which he was expelled and, carrying an AR-15 semi-automatic rifle, shot 32 people, wounding 15 and killing 17. This was immediately followed by the usual cacophony of liberals calling for gun control and Republicans saying that would be politicizing a tragedy and that we should all pray for the victims instead. As someone who doesn’t think reasonable gun control contradicts the second amendment, and, more importantly, as someone who loves pushing the envelope with sick songs, I thought it would be fun to pen a ditty from Cruz’s perspective. As a kid, I loved Ringo Starr’s version of the Sherman Brothers’ “Your Sixteen,” and somehow, a day after the slaughter, the song popped into my mind (especially thanks to the sixteen/fifteen similarity).
It wasn’t until I started putting a homemade rendition of the song (using a karaoke backing track) on Audacity a day later that I thought of including sound bytes. Those, with interjections by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, President Donald Trump, House Speaker Paul Ryan, and Lori Alhadeff, the mother of one of the victims, ended up turning the finished song into a more serious plea for gun control than the lyrics alone show. And if you’re keeping score, this adds to my roster of compositions whose protagonists are murdering psychos (“Killing the Candidates,” “Psycho Blues,” “Bad, Bad Man,” “Sugar, Spice, and a Very Sharp Axe,” “A Day in the Life (of a Psychopath),” etcetera, etcetera, and so forth.

To hear my rendition of “AR-15,” here’s the youtube link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QMQ9mutrCuc&feature=youtu.be

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HE’S GOT THE SHITHOLE WORLD (IN HIS HANDS)

©2018 David Lefkowitz

(sung to the melody of the traditional spiritual, “He’s Got the Whole World In his Hands”)

He’s got the shithole world in his hands
He’s got the shithole world in his hands
He’s got the shithole world in his hands
He’s got the whole shithole in his hands

He’s got Pakistan and Haiti in his hands
He’s got the Cuban and Kuwaiti in his hands
He’s got Ned and Warren Beatty in his hands
He’s got the whole shithole in his hands

He’s got Suriname and China in his hands
He’s got Chad and Argentina in his hands
He’s got the Faso that’s Burkina in his hands
He’s got the whole shithole in his hands

He’s got Cameroon and Cuba in his hands
He’s got murder in Aruba in his hands
He’s got boys who play the tuba in his hands
He’s got the whole shithole in his hands

He’s got Syria and Thailand in his hands
He’s got each Marshall Island in his hands
This land ain’t your land or my land, in his hands
He’s got the whole shithole in his hands

If you aren’t a Caucasian in this land
If you’re of African persuasion in this land
We’re gonna stop your invasion of this land
`Cause our shithole’s bigger than yours

So if you’re standing in the doorway of our land
Turn around and go back your way from our land
Unless you are from Norway to our land
He’s got the whole shithole in his hands

He’s got the shithole world in his hands
He’s got the shithole world in his hands
He’s got the shithole world in his hands
He’s got the whole shithole in his hands

 

*****

NOTES & BACKSTORY:
Penned Jan. 12, 2018 specifically for performance on my weekly radio show, Dave’s Gone By, this tune was a fun reaction to reports of a meeting about immigration with congressional lawmakers in which President Trump allegedly asked the assembled, “Why are we having all these people from shithole countries come here?” Trump detractors saw this as the culmination of his history of racially insensitive remarks, while defenders noted that if these countries weren’t shitholes, why were all these immigrants so desperate to jump ship? For me, the whole tempest was just an excuse to revel in the sight—and sound—of all these serious newscasters endlessly repeating the word “shithole” with a straight face (that means you, CNN’s Don Lemon!).
Oh, and speaking of keeping score, this is my second song parody of “He’s Got the Whole World in his Hands.” The first was 2017’s “In his Ass.” Shitholes, indeed.

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SONG: In his Ass

IN HIS ASS

©2017 David Lefkowitz

(Sung to the melody of the traditional spiritual, “He’s Got the Whole World in his Hands”)

He’s got the whole world in his ass
He’s got the whole wide world in his ass
He’s got the whole world in his ass
He’s got the whole wide world in his ass

He’s got an $80 wristwatch
in his ass
He’s got a pair of salad tongs
in his ass
He’s got a live baby octopus
in his ass
He’s got the whole world in his ass

He’s got a can of Coca Cola
in his ass
He’s got a 40-watt lightbulb
in his ass
He’s got a Valencia orange
in his ass
He’s got the whole wide world in his ass

He’s got an old, broken Trojan
in his ass
He’s got three human fingernails
in his ass
He’s got my high school ring!
in his ass
He’s got the whole wide world in his ass

(Note: in concert, do one more verse with the audience shouting out suggestions)

So if you’re gonna put something in your ass
Make sure it’s something that will pass
Or else you’ll be in the ER, with blood and gas
And the whole wide world in your ass.

We’ve got the whole world in our ass
We’ve got the whole wide world in our ass
We’ve got the whole world in our ass
We’ve got the whole wide world in our ass!

NOTES & BACKSTORY:
This is one of those songs where the idea and the finished song were less than a half hour apart. Many years ago, an old schoolmate who’d become a doctor shared stories of items he’d found—and had to extract—from patients when he was a resident. I don’t remember most them, though I do recall a light bulb being in there somewhere. Staggeringly enough, this is not the first song about household items finding their way into intimate places. Even before South Park’s beloved Lemmiwinks, William Finn’s great musical, Falsettoland, featured a nurse singing about her run-of-the-mill day and recalling, “Heart attacks and gallstones, light bulbs up the ass.”
I proudly contribute to this sub-sub-genre and am grateful to several websites which not only list rectally sequestered items but show the x-rays as proof. What a wonderful world! 
Just a year later, I would write another parody of the same traditional song, “He’s Got the Shithole World (In his Hands)” as a playfully political riff on Donald Trump’s views on America.

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A BAD, BAD MAN

©2018 David Lefkowitz

(sung to the melody of Irving Berlin’s “I’m a Bad, Bad Man”)

I’m rugged, I’m hairy
I’m dangerous and scary
I should be locked up when I go off my meds

They say I’m from Hades
When I get with ladies
They’re playing with fire . . . and they’re losing their heads.

There’s a girl in Omaha
fucked her ma, killed her pa
can’t go back to Omaha
I’m a bad, bad man

There’s a girl in Stowe, Vermont
Couldn’t give me what I want
Aimed a shotgun at her cunt
I’m a bad, bad man

There’s a girl in Sedona
Who gives me a bona
So is it such a sin
To slice off all her skin?

There’s a girl I almost wed
You can find her in my shed
can’t believe how much she bled
I’m a bad, bad man

There’s a judge in San Antone
he would not leave me alone
I just boiled his femur bone
I’m a bad, bad man

What I find erotic
The world calls psychotic
I go completely ape
When I maim and kill and rape

There’s a man in Kalamazoo
He said things that weren’t true
Bits of him are in my poo
I’m a bad, bad man.

So I go from door to door
Looking for the perfect whore
Better not say any more . . . (ding dong sound effect)
I’m a bad, bad man.

**************
NOTES & BACKSTORY:

As with so many of my songs, the first verse comes to me in a flash, and then decades pass before I can find my way through to the end. In this case, the Omaha stanza came to me the first time I heard Annie Get Your Gun, and I’d sing my demented version, to anyone who’d listen, for years. It wasn’t until November 2017 that I took another crack at the rest of the tune and was able to add the “wed,” “judge,” and “Kalamazoo” verses. I also penned some other lines that, upon reflection weeks later, I found less than satisfying (see below). Finally, Jan. 21, 2018 saw the completion of the song, including the pre-amble, the bridges, and the Stowe stanza.
If nothing else, this song proves that Nick Cave doesn’t have the monopoly on songs about sociopaths. In fact, my oeuvre has long been littered with murder ballads concerning animal abuse (“Fun in the Kitchen”), child abuse (“The Rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald,” “The Kosher Hot Dog Picnic”), and plain-old human abuse (“Killing the Candidates,” “A Day in the Life (of a Psychopath),” “Sniper’s Lullaby,” “Psycho Blues”). If I ever do become a mass murderer, court-appointed psychiatrists could indict me on my lyrics alone. (Hopefully, the jurors would have a sense of humor; I wouldn’t want to have to kill them, too.)
For posterity’s sake, here are the 2017 verses—including the preamble—that were then replaced in 2018. I admit, I miss the “Dover” bit.

Hello folks,
You know, folks,
Most people are slowpokes
They natter and very little gets done

I’m stronger
I’m stranger
I’m quite the game-changer
I’m dangerous when I am out having fun . . .

There’s a lady from Dover
Been missing since October
But she cannot be saved
My stomach is her grave

The marshals they hunt me
But women still want me
As long as they are willing
I’ll never stop killing.

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©2017 David Lefkowitz & Rabbi Sol Solomon
(Sung to the melody of Meghan Trainor’s “All About That Bass”)

In Hebrew school
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, bais, bais, bais

Yeah, it’s pretty clear, I’m just an old Yid
But I can teach the alphabet just like my zayde did
Bar Mitzvah boys come to learn to be a man
Their heads are full of junk, but I do the best I can.

If Hebrew’s too tough, I do phonetic
Whatever gets them in a mode that’s alphabetic
Each letter has a vowel; each vowel has a note
You know that some words have a “chuch” in them, and phlegm goes through your throat

Yeah, I tell all my students, “Don’t worry if you cannot sing.
You’ll still get the gifts and the checks that your relatives bring.
And if you just get the words right, it’s fine if you’re hard on the ears.
You’re a 12-year-old kid, and no one’s expecting Jan Peerce.”

And so I’m
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, oy!

Well, kametz aleph ahh.
And follow that with kametz beis for bah.
And all the way to kametz taf for tah.
I’m here to teach them:

How to be a big sensation
When you’re doing cantillation

You know, I tell all my students they’ve got to sing loud, high, and strong
Because the Haftorah’s short, but the Torah is so frigging long.
You can prove to your peers that you’re clearly a mensch and a smarty
While your mom and your dad, they spend 85 grand on a party

And so I’m
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais

Unroll the scroll,
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais

Phylacteries!
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel . . . (fade)

 

**********************

NOTES & BACKSTORY:

This one’s cute and light and, in a rarity, doesn’t touch the darker places the Rabbi usually goes. As soon as we wrote it (on May 16, 2017), I could imagine actual Jewish bands like Six13 doing it. In fact, I’m afraid to check if they already have…

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I’M TOO SEXY (FOR MY PROSTATE)

©2017 David Lefkowitz & Rabbi Sol Solomon

(sung to the melody of “I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred’s Fred Fairbrass, Richard Fairbrass, and Rob Manzoli)

I’m too Jewish to be healthy
Too Jewish to be healthy
And damn,
I’m not even wealthy.

I’m too sexy for my prostate
Too sexy for my prostate
It hurts
It hurts
IT HURTS

I’m too hot for high blood pressure
Too hot for high blood pressure
But do I
have it?
Yessir.

 

I’m too cute to have arthritis
Too cute to have arthritis
And chronic
Bursitis

I’m a Rabbi with a distended spleen
And I moan in discomfort at the doctor
Yeah, at the doctor
At the doctor
Who’s not even on my HMO (the bastard!)

 

I’m too sexy for glaucoma
Too sexy for glaucoma
And yet
I’ve got
Glaucoma

I’m too sexy for skin cancer
Too sexy for skin cancer
And yet
There’s me-
lanoma

I got GERD, which is a reflux disease
And I suffer burning diarrhea
Yeah, diarrhea
Diarrhea
Yeah I shake my aching tush with diarrhea
I’m too sensual for strep
Too sensual for strep
But do I
Have it?
Yep.

I got gout, and my foot’s turning green
And I’m paying extra for a CAT scan
Yeah, a CAT scan
Oy, a CAT scan
I’m gonna take another turn under the CAT scan.

 

Still, my doctor says I’m fine
The doctor says I’m fine
I say, the quack
Is lyin’

Every day I’m feeling worse
My body is a curse
You’ll find me lying in Baron Hirsch

I’m too Jewish to survive!

*********************

NOTES & BACKSTORY:

Like many people, I’d remembered the Right Said Fred song, “I’m Too Sexy,” with a jokey fondness and then renewed my affection for it when Taylor Swift sampled its beat for her 2017 tune, “Look What You Made Me Do.” The weekend after she released her song, the Rabbi and I youtubed the original and found ourselves immediately chanting, “I’m too sexy for my prostate.” A day later, we had the entire parody done.
We remain especially pleased with our direct references to RSF, including the tush-shaking bit and turning catwalk into CAT scan.
Don’t worry, there will not be an eight-minute club mix of this. There is, however, a recording of the Rabbi sprechtstimming it: https://youtu.be/6sR0nm0SVS0

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