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Archive for the ‘Songs – Parodies’ Category

SONG: Aleph Bais

©2017 David Lefkowitz & Rabbi Sol Solomon
(Sung to the melody of Meghan Trainor’s “All About That Bass”)

In Hebrew school
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, bais, bais, bais

Yeah, it’s pretty clear, I’m just an old Yid
But I can teach the alphabet just like my zayde did
Bar Mitzvah boys come to learn to be a man
Their heads are full of junk, but I do the best I can.

If Hebrew’s too tough, I do phonetic
Whatever gets them in a mode that’s alphabetic
Each letter has a vowel; each vowel has a note
You know that some words have a “chuch” in them, and phlegm goes through your throat

Yeah, I tell all my students, “Don’t worry if you cannot sing.
You’ll still get the gifts and the checks that your relatives bring.
And if you just get the words right, it’s fine if you’re hard on the ears.
You’re a 12-year-old kid, and no one’s expecting Jan Peerce.”

And so I’m
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, oy!

Well, kametz aleph ahh.
And follow that with kametz beis for bah.
And all the way to kametz taf for tah.
I’m here to teach them:

How to be a big sensation
When you’re doing cantillation

You know, I tell all my students they’ve got to sing loud, high, and strong
Because the Haftorah’s short, but the Torah is so frigging long.
You can prove to your peers that you’re clearly a mensch and a smarty
While your mom and your dad, they spend 85 grand on a party

And so I’m
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais

Unroll the scroll,
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais

Phylacteries!
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel . . . (fade)

 

**********************

NOTES & BACKSTORY:

This one’s cute and light and, in a rarity, doesn’t touch the darker places the Rabbi usually goes. As soon as we wrote it, I could imagine actual Jewish bands like Six13 doing it. In fact, I’m afraid to check if they already have…

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I’M TOO SEXY (FOR MY PROSTATE)

©2017 David Lefkowitz & Rabbi Sol Solomon

(sung to the melody of “I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred’s Fred Fairbrass, Richard Fairbrass, and Rob Manzoli)

I’m too Jewish to be healthy
Too Jewish to be healthy
And damn,
I’m not even wealthy.

I’m too sexy for my prostate
Too sexy for my prostate
It hurts
It hurts
IT HURTS

I’m too hot for high blood pressure
Too hot for high blood pressure
But do I
have it?
Yessir.

 

I’m too cute to have arthritis
Too cute to have arthritis
And chronic
Bursitis

I’m a Rabbi with a distended spleen
And I moan in discomfort at the doctor
Yeah, at the doctor
At the doctor
Who’s not even on my HMO (the bastard!)

 

I’m too sexy for glaucoma
Too sexy for glaucoma
And yet
I’ve got
Glaucoma

I’m too sexy for skin cancer
Too sexy for skin cancer
And yet
There’s me-
lanoma

I got GERD, which is a reflux disease
And I suffer burning diarrhea
Yeah, diarrhea
Diarrhea
Yeah I shake my aching tush with diarrhea
I’m too sensual for strep
Too sensual for strep
But do I
Have it?
Yep.

I got gout, and my foot’s turning green
And I’m paying extra for a CAT scan
Yeah, a CAT scan
Oy, a CAT scan
I’m gonna take another turn under the CAT scan.

 

Still, my doctor says I’m fine
The doctor says I’m fine
I say, the quack
Is lyin’

Every day I’m feeling worse
My body is a curse
You’ll find me lying in Baron Hirsch

I’m too Jewish to survive!

*********************

NOTES & BACKSTORY:

Like many people, I’d remembered the Right Said Fred song, “I’m Too Sexy,” with a jokey fondness and then renewed my affection for it when Taylor Swift sampled its beat for her 2017 tune, “Look What You Made Me Do.” The weekend after she released her song, the Rabbi and I youtubed the original and found ourselves immediately chanting, “I’m too sexy for my prostate.” A day later, we had the entire parody done.
We remain especially pleased with our direct references to RSF, including the tush-shaking bit and turning catwalk into CAT scan.
Don’t worry, there will not be an eight-minute club mix of this. There is, however, a recording of the Rabbi sprechtstimming it: https://youtu.be/6sR0nm0SVS0

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SONG: Constipated

CONSTIPATED

©2017 David Lefkowitz
(sung to the melody of The Rolling Stones’ “Complicated”)

 

(groans) Ahh ahh ahh ahh-ahh-ahh

She’s not feeling well today
Something’s blocked her passageway
She puts on a brave face
But she’s not okay
She’s very constipated
Ahh ahh ahh ahh-ahh-ahh
Ahh ahh ahh ahh-ahh-ahh

She’s been taking Dulcolax
Still she gets these fierce attacks
Sitting on the toilet
Painful to the max
She’s really constipated
Ahh ahh ahh ahh-ahh-ahh
Ahh ahh ahh ahh-ahh-ahh

She can try to play it cool
But her colon is so cruel
She would sell her children
Just to make a stool
She’s very constipated
Ahh ahh ahh ahh-ahh-ahh
Ahh ahh ahh ahh-ahh-ahh

She’s been feeling blue and blah
Give that girl an enema!
Get that feces out of her
Look, she’s turning grey
She’s very constipated
Ahh ahh ahh ahh-ahh-ahh
Ahh ahh ahh ahh-ahh-ahh

Now she’s fin’lly shaking loose
Dropping turds just like a moose
Covering the porcelain
With her lumpy juice
No longer constipated
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-eah-eah!

*******************
NOTES & BACKSTORY:
At some point, the number of my songs that mention enemas will go into the double digits. And that will be a beautiful thing.

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IT WAS AN ALL RIGHT DAY

(NOTE: Rapped to the melody of Ice Cube’s “It was a Good Day”)
©2017 David Lefkowitz & Rabbi Sol Solomon

Just waking up in the morning and I thank God
There are no new liver spots on my bod
Pull myself out of bed with a groan
Hear the creaking, and hope I didn’t break a bone
Go to the toidy where I make a pish
Oy, my nutsack looks like an old knish
Sit on the bowl with a copy of the Jewish Press
Takes ten minutes but I make a little mess
Look in the water to check for any blood
Nope, all I see is corn and mud.
Wipe it up wipe it up wipe it up quickly
Shake my shmeckel `cause it’s still a little trickly
Flush two times to take away the stink
Then I hock some phlegm into the sink
Glance at the mirror, all I see are the grey hairs
But I’m lucky any hair is even there
Stand in the shower and I stumble but I don’t slip
Last month, my Aunt Bessie broke a hip
Two weeks later we’re at her grave, so sad
But today, I have to say, wasn’t bad

Brushing my teeth is always an adventure
One wrong move, and I knock out a denture
Grooming my beard with my ex-wife’s Lady Schick
And there’s still pish dripping from my dick
Wait another minute then I pull on my Hanes
Doesn’t help – I still get the pish stains
Head into the kitchen, grab a bowl of Wheaties
Rather have Froot Loops, but that causes diabetes
I take a little time to daven shachrit
I pray for peace . . . and choclit.
Open up the paper to the local section
Get a paper cut, but hey, no infection!
Pages full of criminals filling up the news
Lots of schvartzes – but no Jews!
Read about a movie where the love scenes are passionate
Go to the garage, and the Prius still has gas in it
Only twenty minutes on the L.I.E.
Make it to the office long before I have to pee
Emptying my in-box, opening my email
Flirt with my office mate, just because she’s female
Take a long lunch of Chinese take-out
Full of MSG, but my skin doesn’t break out
Over to the mailroom, joking with the nerds
Two of them teach me how to play Angry Birds
Boss is out of town so there’s lots of time to play
I’d have to say today was okay.

Spend twenty minutes on a useless phoner
Go to make copies, but, of course, it’s out of toner
I don’t care `cause it’s just about five
Back in the Prius for a forty-minute drive
On goes the TV, scrollin’ through the Netflix
(Even on a good day, I can’t watch the New York Knicks)
Have a little chicken, some non-dairy cake
Read the latest Tikkun while I sit on the bowl and make
Flop on the couch to watch my favorite shows
Talk during commercials to my daughter in the Poconos
Put on my jammies, surf a little Redtube
There’s Gwyneth Paltrow – and her sideboob!
Find a nice shirt to go with my suit
Get my clothes ready for tomorrow’s commute
Found twenty bucks that I didn’t know I had
I’d have to say, today wasn’t half bad.

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RABBI SOL SOLOMON’S RABBINICAL REFLECTION THEME

(c)2017 David Lefkowitz & Rabbi Sol Solomon
(Sung to the tune of a traditional Hebrew blessing)

Hello, it’s me, Rabbi Sol
With Rabbinical Reflections for you all
I come from Temple Sons of Bitches
Here in Great Neck, New York
Shut up and pay attention
to me.

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PISHES SWEETER THAN WINE

©2017 David Lefkowitz
(Note: sung to The Weavers’ “Kisses Sweeter than Wine”)

When I was a baby, as cute as can be
I’d sit around in my diaper, and sometimes I’d pee
I wouldn’t think much about how I would go
I’d just open my bladder, and out it would flow.
I had pishes sweeter than wine.

When I was toddler, I’d sit on the bowl
And then I’d watch all the peepee stream out of my hole
I got a little older, but still it was nice
Because I’d stand in the men’s room and aim at the ice
Ohh ohh, pishes sweeter than wine.
Mmm mmm, pishes sweeter than wine.

When in my twenties, my courage would grow;
I’d get in a crouch and write my name in the snow.
I chose when to go, and I chose when to stop
And I could cut off the current with nary a drop
I had pishes sweeter than wine.

The years flew by, and I moved past my prime
Soon a trip to the bathroom was taking more time.
I’d have an appointment; I’d be running late
But still, oh Lord, I just had to wait. And wait. And wait.
Ohh ohh, pishes sweeter than wine.

My sixtieth birthday brought trouble and pain
And on the front of my undies, a small yellow stain
My prostate swelled up to the size of an egg
And then my winkle would tinkle and sprinkle my leg
I missed pisses sweeter than wine.

Listen up children, and learn from my past
You gotta value your prostate because it won’t last
The story begins, before you know it, it ends, and then
Oh lord, you’re wearing Depends.
Ohh pishes sweeter than wine.

So now I’m an old man in terrible shape
And I move like a woman who’s just been raped
I still can make pishie, in dribbles and squirts
But now, oh Lord, the catheter hurts
I miss pishes sweeter than wine.
I miss, mmm mmm, pishes sweeter than wine.

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DEEP IN THE HEART OF DALLAS

© 2016 David Lefkowitz
Note: New lyrics sung to Don Swander’s music for “Deep in the Heart of Texas”

Oh the moon shone bright on a hot July night
Deep in the heart of Dallas
The crowd turned out to holler and shout
Deep in the heart of Dallas

They came in peace to protest police
Deep in the heart of Dallas
`Cause if you’re brown, you’ll get shot down
Pretty much anywhere, not just Dallas

Baton Rouge’s best shot a black in the chest
Deep in Louisiana
The gun was in his pocket, but the cops just said, “aw, fuck it!”
Deep in Louisiana

A few hours later in St. Paul, Minnesater
A guy and gal were drivin’
A zealous cop made them come to a stop
They thought that he was jivin’

The fuzz did shout, “Your taillight is out!
Let’s see your registration.”
He meant no harm, but he shot up the guy’s arm.
Which caused some consternation.

With two blacks dead all the people said,
“Out in the streets we’ll gather,
We’ll show the fuzz what a movement does:
Hashtag – Black Lives Matter.”

But one lone man had a bigger plan
Deep in the heart of Dallas
His name was Micah
And whites? He no like-ah
Deep in the heart of Dallas

Feelin’ low and mean with a full magazine
Deep in the heart of Dallas
He aimed real well, and the bodies fell
Deep in the heart of Dallas

A robot bomb blew his ass to kingdom come
Deep in the heart of Dallas
But not before he wounded seven more
Deep in the heart of Dallas

Now the cops hate blacks and the blacks hate them back
And nothing’s gonna stop it
And that is what we’re stuck with.
Each one thinks that the other one stinks
And boy, you better not fuck with.

The victims wail when the systems fail
Deep in the heart of America
It’s just another day in the good ol’ USA

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