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Archive for the ‘Songs – Parodies’ Category

HE’S GOT THE SHITHOLE WORLD (IN HIS HANDS)

©2018 David Lefkowitz

(sung to the melody of the traditional spiritual, “He’s Got the Whole World In his Hands”)

He’s got the shithole world in his hands
He’s got the shithole world in his hands
He’s got the shithole world in his hands
He’s got the whole shithole in his hands

He’s got Pakistan and Haiti in his hands
He’s got the Cuban and Kuwaiti in his hands
He’s got Ned and Warren Beatty in his hands
He’s got the whole shithole in his hands

He’s got Suriname and China in his hands
He’s got Chad and Argentina in his hands
He’s got the Faso that’s Burkina in his hands
He’s got the whole shithole in his hands

He’s got Cameroon and Cuba in his hands
He’s got murder in Aruba in his hands
He’s got boys who play the tuba in his hands
He’s got the whole shithole in his hands

He’s got Syria and Thailand in his hands
He’s got each Marshall Island in his hands
This land ain’t your land or my land, in his hands
He’s got the whole shithole in his hands

If you aren’t a Caucasian in this land
If you’re of African persuasion in this land
We’re gonna stop your invasion of this land
`Cause our shithole’s bigger than yours

So if you’re standing in the doorway of our land
Turn around and go back your way from our land
Unless you are from Norway to our land
He’s got the whole shithole in his hands

He’s got the shithole world in his hands
He’s got the shithole world in his hands
He’s got the shithole world in his hands
He’s got the whole shithole in his hands

 

*****

NOTES & BACKSTORY:
Penned Jan. 12, 2018 specifically for performance on my weekly radio show, Dave’s Gone By, this tune was a fun reaction to reports of a meeting about immigration with congressional lawmakers in which President Trump allegedly asked the assembled, “Why are we having all these people from shithole countries come here?” Trump detractors saw this as the culmination of his history of racially insensitive remarks, while defenders noted that if these countries weren’t shitholes, why were all these immigrants so desperate to jump ship? For me, the whole tempest was just an excuse to revel in the sight—and sound—of all these serious newscasters endlessly repeating the word “shithole” with a straight face (that means you, CNN’s Don Lemon!).
Oh, and speaking of keeping score, this is my second song parody of “He’s Got the Whole World in his Hands.” The first was 2017’s “In his Ass.” Shitholes, indeed.

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SONG: In his Ass

IN HIS ASS

©2017 David Lefkowitz

(Sung to the melody of the traditional spiritual, “He’s Got the Whole World in his Hands”)

He’s got the whole world in his ass
He’s got the whole wide world in his ass
He’s got the whole world in his ass
He’s got the whole wide world in his ass

He’s got an $80 wristwatch
in his ass
He’s got a pair of salad tongs
in his ass
He’s got a live baby octopus
in his ass
He’s got the whole world in his ass

He’s got a can of Coca Cola
in his ass
He’s got a 40-watt lightbulb
in his ass
He’s got a Valencia orange
in his ass
He’s got the whole wide world in his ass

He’s got an old, broken Trojan
in his ass
He’s got three human fingernails
in his ass
He’s got my high school ring!
in his ass
He’s got the whole wide world in his ass

(Note: in concert, do one more verse with the audience shouting out suggestions)

So if you’re gonna put something in your ass
Make sure it’s something that will pass
Or else you’ll be in the ER, with blood and gas
And the whole wide world in your ass.

We’ve got the whole world in our ass
We’ve got the whole wide world in our ass
We’ve got the whole world in our ass
We’ve got the whole wide world in our ass!

NOTES & BACKSTORY:
This is one of those songs where the idea and the finished song were less than a half hour apart. Many years ago, an old schoolmate who’d become a doctor shared stories of items he’d found—and had to extract—from patients when he was a resident. I don’t remember most them, though I do recall a light bulb being in there somewhere. Staggeringly enough, this is not the first song about household items finding their way into intimate places. Even before South Park’s beloved Lemmiwinks, William Finn’s great musical, Falsettoland, featured a nurse singing about her run-of-the-mill day and recalling, “Heart attacks and gallstones, light bulbs up the ass.”
I proudly contribute to this sub-sub-genre and am grateful to several websites which not only list rectally sequestered items but show the x-rays as proof. What a wonderful world!

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A BAD, BAD MAN

©2017 David Lefkowitz

(sung to the melody of Irving Berlin’s “I’m a Bad, Bad Man”)

Hello folks,
You know, folks,
Most people are slowpokes
They natter and very little gets done

I’m stronger
I’m stranger
I’m quite the game-changer
I’m dangerous when I am out having fun

There’s a girl in Omaha
fucked her ma, killed her pa
can’t go back to Omaha
I’m a bad, bad man

There’s a chick I almost wed
You can find her in my shed
can’t believe how much she bled
I’m a bad, bad man

There’s a lady from Dover
Been missing since October
But she cannot be saved
My stomach is her grave

There’s a gal in grammar school
She was just a stubborn mule
Fixed her with a very sharp tool
I’m a bad, bad man

There’s a judge in San Antone
he would not leave me alone
I just boiled his femur bone
I’m a bad, bad man

There’s a maid in Kalamazoo
She said things that weren’t true
Bits of her are in my poo
I’m a bad, bad man

The marshals they hunt me
But women still want me
As long as they are willing
I’ll never stop killing

So I go from door to door
Looking for the perfect whore
Better not say any more . . . (ding dong sound effect)
I’m a bad, bad man.


**************
NOTES & BACKSTORY:

Nick Cave doesn’t have the monopoly on songs about sociopaths. In fact, my oeuvre has long been littered with murder ballads concerning animal abuse (“Fun in the Kitchen”), child abuse (“The Rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald”), and plain-old human abuse (“Killing the Candidates,” “Sniper’s Lullaby,” “Psycho Blues”). If I ever do become a mass murderer, court-appointed psychiatrists could indict me on my lyrics alone. (Hopefully, the jurors would have a sense of humor; I wouldn’t want to have to kill them, too.)
Anyway, this is yet another song (penned Nov. 26, 2017) that started with a single stanza that I carried in my head for many years. I had been listening to the original cast album of Annie Get Your Gun and wondered, what if Frank were a
really bad, bad man? The “Omaha” lyric came instantly; the rest took two-plus decades. I apologize for the false rhymes (Dover/October, want/hunt) but believe they can be amusingly glossed over in the singing—-especially when Adele performs it.

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SONG: Aleph Bais

©2017 David Lefkowitz & Rabbi Sol Solomon
(Sung to the melody of Meghan Trainor’s “All About That Bass”)

In Hebrew school
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, bais, bais, bais

Yeah, it’s pretty clear, I’m just an old Yid
But I can teach the alphabet just like my zayde did
Bar Mitzvah boys come to learn to be a man
Their heads are full of junk, but I do the best I can.

If Hebrew’s too tough, I do phonetic
Whatever gets them in a mode that’s alphabetic
Each letter has a vowel; each vowel has a note
You know that some words have a “chuch” in them, and phlegm goes through your throat

Yeah, I tell all my students, “Don’t worry if you cannot sing.
You’ll still get the gifts and the checks that your relatives bring.
And if you just get the words right, it’s fine if you’re hard on the ears.
You’re a 12-year-old kid, and no one’s expecting Jan Peerce.”

And so I’m
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, oy!

Well, kametz aleph ahh.
And follow that with kametz beis for bah.
And all the way to kametz taf for tah.
I’m here to teach them:

How to be a big sensation
When you’re doing cantillation

You know, I tell all my students they’ve got to sing loud, high, and strong
Because the Haftorah’s short, but the Torah is so frigging long.
You can prove to your peers that you’re clearly a mensch and a smarty
While your mom and your dad, they spend 85 grand on a party

And so I’m
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais

Unroll the scroll,
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais

Phylacteries!
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel
I’m teaching aleph bais, aleph bais, no gimel . . . (fade)

 

**********************

NOTES & BACKSTORY:

This one’s cute and light and, in a rarity, doesn’t touch the darker places the Rabbi usually goes. As soon as we wrote it, I could imagine actual Jewish bands like Six13 doing it. In fact, I’m afraid to check if they already have…

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I’M TOO SEXY (FOR MY PROSTATE)

©2017 David Lefkowitz & Rabbi Sol Solomon

(sung to the melody of “I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred’s Fred Fairbrass, Richard Fairbrass, and Rob Manzoli)

I’m too Jewish to be healthy
Too Jewish to be healthy
And damn,
I’m not even wealthy.

I’m too sexy for my prostate
Too sexy for my prostate
It hurts
It hurts
IT HURTS

I’m too hot for high blood pressure
Too hot for high blood pressure
But do I
have it?
Yessir.

 

I’m too cute to have arthritis
Too cute to have arthritis
And chronic
Bursitis

I’m a Rabbi with a distended spleen
And I moan in discomfort at the doctor
Yeah, at the doctor
At the doctor
Who’s not even on my HMO (the bastard!)

 

I’m too sexy for glaucoma
Too sexy for glaucoma
And yet
I’ve got
Glaucoma

I’m too sexy for skin cancer
Too sexy for skin cancer
And yet
There’s me-
lanoma

I got GERD, which is a reflux disease
And I suffer burning diarrhea
Yeah, diarrhea
Diarrhea
Yeah I shake my aching tush with diarrhea
I’m too sensual for strep
Too sensual for strep
But do I
Have it?
Yep.

I got gout, and my foot’s turning green
And I’m paying extra for a CAT scan
Yeah, a CAT scan
Oy, a CAT scan
I’m gonna take another turn under the CAT scan.

 

Still, my doctor says I’m fine
The doctor says I’m fine
I say, the quack
Is lyin’

Every day I’m feeling worse
My body is a curse
You’ll find me lying in Baron Hirsch

I’m too Jewish to survive!

*********************

NOTES & BACKSTORY:

Like many people, I’d remembered the Right Said Fred song, “I’m Too Sexy,” with a jokey fondness and then renewed my affection for it when Taylor Swift sampled its beat for her 2017 tune, “Look What You Made Me Do.” The weekend after she released her song, the Rabbi and I youtubed the original and found ourselves immediately chanting, “I’m too sexy for my prostate.” A day later, we had the entire parody done.
We remain especially pleased with our direct references to RSF, including the tush-shaking bit and turning catwalk into CAT scan.
Don’t worry, there will not be an eight-minute club mix of this. There is, however, a recording of the Rabbi sprechtstimming it: https://youtu.be/6sR0nm0SVS0

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SONG: Constipated

CONSTIPATED

©2017 David Lefkowitz
(sung to the melody of The Rolling Stones’ “Complicated”)

 

(groans) Ahh ahh ahh ahh-ahh-ahh

She’s not feeling well today
Something’s blocked her passageway
She puts on a brave face
But she’s not okay
She’s very constipated
Ahh ahh ahh ahh-ahh-ahh
Ahh ahh ahh ahh-ahh-ahh

She’s been taking Dulcolax
Still she gets these fierce attacks
Sitting on the toilet
Painful to the max
She’s really constipated
Ahh ahh ahh ahh-ahh-ahh
Ahh ahh ahh ahh-ahh-ahh

She can try to play it cool
But her colon is so cruel
She would sell her children
Just to make a stool
She’s very constipated
Ahh ahh ahh ahh-ahh-ahh
Ahh ahh ahh ahh-ahh-ahh

She’s been feeling blue and blah
Give that girl an enema!
Get that feces out of her
Look, she’s turning grey
She’s very constipated
Ahh ahh ahh ahh-ahh-ahh
Ahh ahh ahh ahh-ahh-ahh

Now she’s fin’lly shaking loose
Dropping turds just like a moose
Covering the porcelain
With her lumpy juice
No longer constipated
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-eah-eah!

*******************
NOTES & BACKSTORY:
At some point, the number of my songs that mention enemas will go into the double digits. And that will be a beautiful thing.

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IT WAS AN ALL RIGHT DAY

(NOTE: Rapped to the melody of Ice Cube’s “It was a Good Day”)
©2017 David Lefkowitz & Rabbi Sol Solomon

Just waking up in the morning and I thank God
There are no new liver spots on my bod
Pull myself out of bed with a groan
Hear the creaking, and hope I didn’t break a bone
Go to the toidy where I make a pish
Oy, my nutsack looks like an old knish
Sit on the bowl with a copy of the Jewish Press
Takes ten minutes but I make a little mess
Look in the water to check for any blood
Nope, all I see is corn and mud.
Wipe it up wipe it up wipe it up quickly
Shake my shmeckel `cause it’s still a little trickly
Flush two times to take away the stink
Then I hock some phlegm into the sink
Glance at the mirror, all I see are the grey hairs
But I’m lucky any hair is even there
Stand in the shower and I stumble but I don’t slip
Last month, my Aunt Bessie broke a hip
Two weeks later we’re at her grave, so sad
But today, I have to say, wasn’t bad

Brushing my teeth is always an adventure
One wrong move, and I knock out a denture
Grooming my beard with my ex-wife’s Lady Schick
And there’s still pish dripping from my dick
Wait another minute then I pull on my Hanes
Doesn’t help – I still get the pish stains
Head into the kitchen, grab a bowl of Wheaties
Rather have Froot Loops, but that causes diabetes
I take a little time to daven shachrit
I pray for peace . . . and choclit.
Open up the paper to the local section
Get a paper cut, but hey, no infection!
Pages full of criminals filling up the news
Lots of schvartzes – but no Jews!
Read about a movie where the love scenes are passionate
Go to the garage, and the Prius still has gas in it
Only twenty minutes on the L.I.E.
Make it to the office long before I have to pee
Emptying my in-box, opening my email
Flirt with my office mate, just because she’s female
Take a long lunch of Chinese take-out
Full of MSG, but my skin doesn’t break out
Over to the mailroom, joking with the nerds
Two of them teach me how to play Angry Birds
Boss is out of town so there’s lots of time to play
I’d have to say today was okay.

Spend twenty minutes on a useless phoner
Go to make copies, but, of course, it’s out of toner
I don’t care `cause it’s just about five
Back in the Prius for a forty-minute drive
On goes the TV, scrollin’ through the Netflix
(Even on a good day, I can’t watch the New York Knicks)
Have a little chicken, some non-dairy cake
Read the latest Tikkun while I sit on the bowl and make
Flop on the couch to watch my favorite shows
Talk during commercials to my daughter in the Poconos
Put on my jammies, surf a little Redtube
There’s Gwyneth Paltrow – and her sideboob!
Find a nice shirt to go with my suit
Get my clothes ready for tomorrow’s commute
Found twenty bucks that I didn’t know I had
I’d have to say, today wasn’t half bad.

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