Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Songs – Humorous’ Category

KISS ME, I’M IRISH

(c)2018 David Lefkowitz
I come from down in Donegal
My family comes from Cork
My sisters live in Sligo
Though my brother’s in New York

My background is a source of pride
I’m Celtic through and through
And that makes me superior
To you and you and you

Now, Ireland isn’t perfect
We’ve had our little wars
We may have spilled some English blood
When settling old scores

But look around Hibernia
And how can you complain?
The grass is green and gorgeous
`cause there’s so much fecking rain

Kiss me, I’m Irish
Touch me, I’m a Turk
Marry me, I’m Mexican
and don’t believe in work

It doesn’t matter where you’re from
Or what your parents think
So kiss me on the Blarney Stone
And buy me one more drink.

The home of Sean O’Casey
And heavy woolen clothes
There’s Bono and there’s Enya
Apologies for those

The fighting and starvation
They show that we are tough
And when it comes to booze and sex
We never get enough, so

Kiss me, I’m Irish
French me, I’m French
Squeeze me, please, I’m Portuguese
If you can stand the stench

It doesn’t matter where you’re from
Or if you’re straight or queer
Just kiss me on St. Patrick’s Day
And buy me one more beer.

Now, you might call me racist
For mocking what I hate
But bashing Jews and towelheads
Is kind of fucking great!

I know that I’m a drunkard
With a three-inch, flaccid penis
But I feel like a porn star
when I’m guzzling my Guinness

There’s nothing we love better
Than a bonny, red-haired girl
To bring her on a date
where we can drink until we hurl

Sure, girls from other lands are fine
But an Irish female’s finer
`Cause she has fluffy flaming fecking hair
`round her vaginer!

Kiss me, I’m Irish
Lick me, I’m a Swede
Shake my hand, I’m African
And all I do is breed

It doesn’t matter where you’re from
Or if you’re lower class
So kiss me down in Dublin town
And buy me one more glass.

(slower)
It doesn’t matter where you’re from
Or if you’re short or tall
Just kiss me, I’m Irish
And give me alkyhol.

*****
NOTES & BACKSTORY:
With yet another St. Patrick’s Day approaching—and an episode of my radio show, Dave’s Gone By, airing live on that 2018 day, I wanted to do a Saturday Segue of my homegrown Irish tunes. Since all the songs (e.g., “Drink `Til I’m Drunk,” “Cover’d with Crap,” and “Seamus, the Urine Man”) had previously aired on the program, I wanted to concoct a new tune to make the segue special.
The title came first, and I knew I wanted something both lively and offensive. The chorus got things rolling, as did the idea of making the narrator gleefully racist about other cultures. The more ballad-y bits came a day later, and the whole piece was finished on March 7 in a piano practice room at my university. After returning from a short trip to Cincinnati, I grabbed my Yamaha keyboard and recorded the tune, which can be heard here: http://davesgoneby.net/?p=11986 or on youtube: https://youtu.be/CMXWtOvUUCk.
My favorite things about the song? A couple of lines still make me laugh (even though I know they’re coming), and I’m proud of having two time signatures (3/4 and 4/4) and three very different sections of the song that somehow really fit together musically.

Read Full Post »

AROUND THE OOSTERUIS

 

Around and around the oosterhuis
Around and around the oosterhuis
Around and around the oosterhuis
Never gonna get me
Never gonna get me

Around and around the oosterhuis
Around and around the oosterhuis
 

Look at that caveman go
Look at that typhoon blow blow blow
Gotta go catch that mouse
Running around the oyster house
 
Around and around the oosterhuis
Around and around the oosterhuis
Around and around the oosterhuis
Never gonna get me
Never gonna get me

Around and around the oosterhuis
Around and around the oosterhuis
 

Gimme a happy day
Gimme a wind to blow my way
Carry me to the sky
Catch that mouse before I die

 

Around and around the oosterhuis
Around and around the oosterhuis
Around and around the oosterhuis
Never gonna get me
Never gonna get me
Around and around the oosterhuis
Around and around the oosterhuis

 

We can’t ooster like we useter
But we do, sir, when we chooseter

In the house
And down the hall
Little mouse
You’re bound to fall
 

Around and around the oosterhuis
Around and around the oosterhuis
Around and around the oosterhuis
Never gonna get me
Never gonna get me

Around and around the oosterhuis
Around and around the oosterhuis
Around and around the oosterhuis
Around and around the oosterhuis.

 

©2017 David Lefkowitz

Read Full Post »

SEX WITH A CHICKEN

©2017 David Lefkowitz

I’d rather have sex with a chicken

Than not have any sex at all

I’d rather get fucked

By an eiderdown duck

Than not have a partner to ball.

And yet, even though I am lonely

And forced to get mates at the zoo

I’d sooner depend on these four-legged friends

Than go on a sex date with you.

Your face and your body disgust me

I honestly wish you were dead

I’d sooner be torn

By a rhino’s great horn

Than lower myself to your bed

And therefore, if given the choice, dear

To sample your physical charms

I’d first stick my dong in a dying dugong

Than spend the night stuck in your arms

I’d rather be blown by a blowfish

Or poked by a porcupine’s prick

Than touch any part of your body

The thought of it makes me so sick, sick, sick, sick, sick

I’d rather give head to a head louse

Be clawed in the face by a toad

I’d rather be gored by a boar, you old whore

Than give you a trace of my load

I’d rather be raped by a rape fish

Or banged by a fat kangaroo

I’d rather be lickin’ a chicken, you wiccan,

Than stickin’ my dick into you.

*************************
NOTES & BACKSTORY:

It took me literally years to finish this song. I had the opening lines, melody, and chicken finale for ages, but everything in between came in dribs and drabs until I finally tied it all together on a summer afternoon in 2017. There’s a little bit of Weird Al Yankovic’s “One More Minute” and Tom Lehrer’s “When You are Old and Gray” in here, but I really can’t blame anyone else for this but myself.

 

 

 

Read Full Post »

THE KOSHER HOT DOG PICNIC

Come all, come one
And let’s all have some fun
At the Sons of Israel Kosher Hot Dog Picnic

There’s games, there’s rides
Balloons and slip `n’ slides
At the Sons of Israel Kosher Hot Dog Picnic

You can run a race
A clown will paint your face
There’s animals to touch
Like billy goats and such

So come and have no fear
Forget about last year
When . . .

Little Jenny Tate was beaten and raped
At the Kosher hot dog picnic

Eliezer Spitz was hacked into bits
At the Kosher hot dog picnic

Lisa and Beth were bludgeoned to death
At the Kosher hot dog picnic

Crystal and Brie were lynched from a tree
At the Kosher hot dog picnic

 

Now, most of these deaths weren’t planned
Things just got out of hand when…

Benjamin Scharf was choked with his scarf
At the Kosher hot dog picnic

Zev and Ari were injected with curare
At the Kosher hot dog picnic

Gail and Mike were impaled on a spike
At the Kosher hot dog picnic

Morris and Dave had to dig a deep grave
At the Kosher hot dog picnic

It’s best not to talk of those times
And the folks who committed the crimes
Like . . .

Old Rabbi Wax who went apeshit with an ax
At the Kosher hot dog picnic

We saw the Rebbetzin with blood on her chin
At the Kosher hot dog picnic

The head of the Sisterhood was chopping up kids like wood
At the Kosher hot dog picnic

Every little child was abused and defiled
At the Kosher hot dog picnic

But that was then
It won’t happen again
At the Sons of Israel Kosher Hot Dog Picnic

Don’t be shy
You’re unlikely to die
At the Sons of Israel Kosher Hot Dog Picnic

So Claire and Freddy
Have your tickets ready

It’s only fifty cents
To go into the tents

Come along and play
on this fine summer day . . .
At the Kosher hot dog picnic.

©2017 David Lefkowitz

*********************
NOTES & BACKSTORY:
In 2016, I received an email from our local shul that they were inviting congregants and friends to a completely innocent “Kosher Hot Dog Picnic.” Immediately, the refrain and Jenny Tate line began running through my disturbed head. However, I didn’t flesh the rest of the song out till a summer later. (By the way, when I lived on Long Island, the local conservative temple was called “Sons of Israel,” but any relation to events, fictional or otherwise, is purely etc. etc.) PS: In 2018, our shul had another KHDP in the local park.
I see this song as a modern cousin to Tom Lehrer’s “Irish Ballad” and “My Hometown” in that the depravities accumulate and worsen one by one—as well they should.

Read Full Post »

SANDY DUNCAN’S EYE

(c)2017 David Lefkowitz

Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Sandy Duncan’s Eye

It fits in
her pocket
When not in
Her socket

Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Sandy Duncan’s Eye

The bad one
The good one
The glass one
The wood one

Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Sandy Duncan’s Eye
The children play “I Spy”
with Sandy Duncan’s Eye

The scalpel
incision
The zero-20 vision

Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Sandy Duncan’s Eye
I’m Rocky Mountain High
on Sandy Duncan’s Eye

The pupil
The iris
Opaque as
papyrus

Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Sandy Duncan’s Eye
You won’t find a stye
in Sandy Duncan’s Eye

The years
Go by
The tears
run dry

Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Milkier than chai
is Sandy Duncan’s Eye

Peeka Boo
She can’t see you

Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Sandy Duncan’s Eye

Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Sandy Duncan’s Eye
Sandy Duncan’s Eye
It’s time to go bye-bye.

Read Full Post »

JERREE

(c)2017 David Lefkowitz

(to be sung in the voice of a spastic)

Jerree!
Jerry Lewis!
When you gonna let me in your house?

Jerry!
Jerry Lewis!
I will be as quiet as a mouse.

I just want cookies and pie
You are my favorite guy!

Jerry!
Jerry Lewis!
I just love to watch you on TV

Jerry!
Jerry Lewis!
Maybe you can find a room for me

You said that I was your buddy
Why are you treating me cruddy?

Oh-woe
You have done so much for all the kids
Even ones who flop around like squids
Just because I live inside a chair
Doesn’t mean I can’t go everywhere

When my last treatment is through
Why can’t I come live with you?

Oh-woe
You could sing and do a funny dance
You could teach me how to change my pants
I could be your bestest bestest bro
Like I was when I was on your show

Jerry!
Jerry Lewis!
How come you don’t answer my postcards?

Jerry!
Jerry Lewis!
Maybe you don’t really like retards

Jerry
Jerry
Jerry (fade out)

***********************

NOTES & BACKSTORY:

In a weird way—and even though I was never a big fan—Jerry Lewis has been a running theme in my life. For two years when I was a child, I sat on the front stoop of our apartment building and collected money for Jerry’s MD telethon. To this day, I’m not sure what motivated me to do that other than the cult of Lewis’s personality. (It’s not like I spent any other mornings raising money for cancer or lupus.) And sure, I’d watch his movies, with and without Dean, when they were on afternoon TV.

But Jerry cropped up again when I was in the comedy-rock band, The Moist Sheep. We opened our first (and semi-only) show with a (mostly instrumental) song penned by other members of the band. It was called “The Jerry Lewis Telethon Hop” and was a bouncy number punctuated by occasional yelps of “Nice Lady!” I played keyboard and merrily joined in the yelping.

 Many years later, when “Jerry’s Kids” had long become a meme to envelope not just children with muscular dystrophy but retarded and developmentally disabled tykes of all stripes, the idea of a little retarded boy forlornly calling “Jerreeeee! Jerreeee!” took hold of my demented consciousness. Soon thereafter, I developed the idea for a song about a kid who goes on the telethon and mistakes Jerry Lewis’s kindness and solicitude for a more long-term invitation. The line, “Jerry! Jerry Lewis! When you gonna lemme in your house?”, came to me quickly. The rest of the song lay dormant, I kid you not, for nearly two decades. Spookily enough, I buckled down and finished “Jerry” in the summer of 2017, just a few weeks before Jerry Lewis went to the great Copa in the sky.

Read Full Post »

THE MOST OFFENSIVE SONG EVER WRITTEN

© 2017 David Lefkowitz

I fucked Jesus in the asshole
Asshole asshole
I fucked Jesus in the asshole
And he cried out, “Oh, my God!”

Mary’s suckin’ on his wing-wang
Wing-wang, wing-wang
Mary’s suckin’ on his wing-wang
And he’s fondling her bod.

Don’t call me a blasphemer
Don’t call me a meanie
It’s not my fault if
Jesus Christ has a teeny-weeny weenie

God is fisting mother Mary
Hairy, scary
God is fisting mother Mary
And she cums like she’s possessed.

Matthew fucks just like a retard
Retard, can’t get hard
Matthew fucks just like a retard
And he blows on Joseph’s chest

There ain’t nothing sacred
There ain’t nothing holy
I’d fuck my mom
With the business end of a bottle of Stoli

Hitler’s fingering Anne Frank
What a skank
What a stank!
Hitler’s fingering Anne Frank
While her daddy watches and wanks

Let’s go lynch ourselves a nigger
Nigger, nigger
Let’s go lynch ourselves a nigger
And force her dad to say, “thanks.”

Go `head, be self-righteous
I won’t be defensive
Once you’ve thought it
Any idea isn’t that offensive.

I fucked Jesus in the asshole
Asshole asshole
I fucked Jesus in the asshole
Now you can’t un-hear this song.

Read Full Post »

SONG: Oh Dat Ben

OH DAT BEN

©2015 David Lefkowitz

When I be nine years old, I hit my momma with a hammer.
When I be ten years old, I bashed my brother with a brick.
When I be eleven years old, I went apeshit with a baseball bat.
Oh lawd, I remember.
Vote for me in November.

When I be twelve years old, I hit my momma with another hammer.
When I be thirteen years old, I stabbed a classmate in the hip.
When I be fourteen years old, somehow I got hold of yet another hammer.
Oh lawd, I remember.
Vote for me in November.

But now I’s a different man, and I gots no anger
I’s got a Yale degree, and I done surgery
So listen, America, from Maine to Alabama
Vote Ben Carson.
And hide yo’ motherfucking hammers.

Read Full Post »

THEN YOU’RE JEWISH

©2012 David Lefkowitz & Rabbi Sol Solomon

 

“If your father and your mother
Barely tolerate each other
Then you’re Jewish
Then you’re Jewish

If your grandma was O’Grady
But you always called her Sadye
Then you’re Jewish
Then you’re Jewish

If you’re sitting at a party
And you’re offered marijuana
And you’re honored to be offered
But deep down you just don’t wanna
‘Cause the brain cells in your head
Are too valuable to lose
If your mom and papa taught you that,
I guarantee: they’re Jews.

If you burp and foof a lot
And you still hate Arafat
Then you’re Jewish
Then you’re Jewish

If you’re miserable at sports
And you don’t look good in shorts
Then you’re Jewish
Then you’re Jewish

If your children get an “A,”
and you make a little fuss
But, you cannot help but say,
“Next time go for…A plus.”
If they grow up to be gay
And you say, “That’s fine by us!”
Then you’re Jewish
Then you’re Jewish

If you’re in the military
And they’re calling you a fairy
`Cause you’re not a Presybtari
And you don’t come from the prairie
And you’re getting dysentery
`Cause you’re eatin’ meat and dairy
Then you’re Jewish
Then you’re Jewish

If you’re always in a hurry
But you still make time to worry
Then you’re Jewish
Then you’re Jewish

If you’re filled with ethnic pride
But you still wish you could hide
Then you’re Jewish
Then you’re Jewish

If you’re making a donation to the local UJA
Of a dozen pants and dresses you’re not wearing anyway
They’re in pretty good condition but a not-impressive brand
But you tell the I.R.S. that they’re worth over a grand
Then you’re Jewish
Then you’re Jewish

If it’s 33 AD
And you’re killed in Galilee
Then you’re Jewish
Then you’re Jewish

If it’s 1492 and you’re on the ocean blue
Then you’re Jewish
Then you’re Jewish

If it’s Germany or Austria in 1945
And your fifty-year old cousin
just turned out to be alive
Then she’s lucky…
If she’s Jewish.

Yes, the world can be forbidding
And you sometimes feel like quitting
Yet you’re joking and your kidding
When your throat you feel like slitting

You can raise an angry fist
Try to be an atheist
You’re cynical and caustic
But you can’t be an agnostic
When you wish you could be Christian
But it’s just out of the quistion
Then you’re Jewish
Then you’re Jewish.
Then you’re Jewish.
Then you’re Jewish.
Then you’re Jewish
Deal with it.”

Read Full Post »

SONG: Santa Quits

©2012 David Lefkowitz
(Note: A mashup piece, in Buchanan & Goodman style, using short samples from other artists. Song titles are in parentheses with sampled quotes following.)

Listen to this song on youtube: https://youtu.be/XUuFe-1CmRQ

 

Y BHEKHIRST (Everytime I): Everytime I think of you, la la la la la la la. . .

ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this record to bring you a special bulletin. Santa Claus is about to announce his retirement. I repeat Santa Claus is giving up the giving of gifts.

WILD MAN FISCHER (I’m a Christmas Tree): Oh, Santa Claus! Oh, Santa Claus!

ANNOUNCER: We switch you now to our on-the-spot reporter on the scene at the North Pole.

LOU REED (Caroline Says II): It’s so cold…

ANNOUNCER: Take it away John Cameron Sleazy.

JOHN CAMERON SLEAZY: This is John Cameron Sleazy at the North Pole. I’m talking to an elf.

RANDY NEWMAN (Short People): Short People…

JCS: Herman the Elf. How long have you worked in Santa’s Toyshop?

ROBYN HITCHCOCK (Sixteen Years): Sixteen years, and all I got was high.

JCS: My goodness. That’s quite a long time.

RUFUS WAINWRIGHT (Poses): No kidding.

JCS: And when did you first hear the news that Santa Claus was hanging up his stocking?

WILD MAN FISCHER (Yesterday): Yesterday.

ANNOUNCER: It must have been a shock. How did you react?

SHERRY VINE (Shit My Pants): Girl, I just shit my pants.

JCS: Well, that’s understandable. Disgusting but understandable. What will you do now?

THE PRODUCERS (movie excerpt): Gonna crush Poland, then I’m gonna take over France.

JCS: Well, I certainly wish you luck with that. But we have to go over to Mrs. Claus. Santa’s wife has just emerged from a side entrance. Let’s try to catch her.

THE BEATLES (Kansas City/Hey Hey Hey Hey): Hey hey hey hey

JCS: Mrs. Claus! May we have a word?

THE WHO (Who are You): Who are you?

JCS: I’m John Cameron Sleazy from Eyewitless News. May we talk to you?

ROBERT KLEIN (Starting Your Car): Leave me alone!

JCS: We just wanna ask why your husband is quitting his job.

HANK WILLIAMS (Mind Your Own Business): Mind your own business.

JCS: But Madame, it’s the world’s business. If Santa leaves, what will the children get on Christmas?

LEON REDBONE (Ain’t Misbehavin’): What do I care?

JCS: Are you angry with your husband?

CARNIVAL (1961 Broadway cast): I hate him!

JCS: Very sad news here from the North Pole.

FRANK ZAPPA (Sharleena): I’m crying.

DEEJAY: That was the Heinous Anuses: “Crying!”

JCS: This is John Cameron Sleazy watching crowds gather outside Santa’s factory. Oh my goodness, two unemployed elves have broken into the workshop with hunting knives.

ARLO GUTHRIE (Alice’s Restaurant Massacre): Kill kill kill!

JCS: Santa fends them off with a machete!

2LIVECREW (Get the Fuck Out of My House): Get the fuck out my house!

JCS: Santa Claus is climbing up the chimney trying to escape.

ICE CUBE (When Will They Shoot?): They’ll never get me, they’ll never hit me.

JCS: The disturbed elf is giving chase.

ARLO GUTHRIE (Alice’s Restaurant Massacree): Kill kill kill!

JCS: Santa Claus has made it safely up the chimney and is surveying the crowd.

THE DRIFTERS (Up on the Roof): Up on the roof

JCS: Santa Claus! Why have you resigned?

VAN MORRISON (So Complicated): So complicated, just want to blow my horn.

JCS: Your horn? Aren’t you Santa?

SHOOBY TAYLOR (Shooby Records): I’m Shooby Taylor, the human horn. When the fuck you gonna realize that?

JCS: No you are not, sir. And rumor has it that you have been forced to quit because of charges brought against you.

THE MAGNETIC FIELDS (I Don’t Believe You): I don’t believe you.

JCS: Children as young as five have accused you of sexual assault.

MATTHEW SWEET (What Do You Know): What do you know?

JCS: I have a child right here who says you molested him. Isn’t that right, Sonny?

AFROMAN (Colt 45): We fucked on the bed, fucked on the floor.

JCS: Santa, isn’t it true you made this boy push a lump of coal into your ass?

THE DOORS (The End): Son, I want to kill you.
DYLAN (1966 live, Like a Rolling Stone): You’re a liar!

JCS: Little boy, why did Santa make you do this?

LIZ PHAIR (Chopsticks): That way we can fuck and watch TV.

JCS: Santa, explain your behavior to this poor boy!

NEIL YOUNG (Hawks & Doves): Just don’t got nothing to say.

JCS: Why the coal, Santa? Was it to teach him something?

REDD FOXX (Wash Your Ass): You got to wash yo’ ass.

JCS: Oh Santa, is that why Mrs. Claus is abandoning you?

CEE-LO GREEN (Fuck You): Fuck you and fuck her, too.

JCS: Little boy, do you have any advice for other children in your situation?

ICE CUBE (Get Off My Dick and Tell Your Bitch to Come Here): Stay off his dick!

JCS: Santa Claus is climbing into his sleigh, and Rudolph does not look happy.

ELVIS COSTELLO (Oliver’s Army): And I would rather be anywhere else but here today.

JCS: Santa, before you go, do you have a message for the children of the world?

BOB DYLAN (Masters of War): And I hope that you die, and your death will come soon.

JCS: Santa that’s horrible. And where are you going exactly?

WING (Highway to Hell): I’m on the highway to hell.

JCS: And there he goes, the last of Santa and his reindeer.

FAIRPORT CONVENTION (Farewell, Farewell): Farewell, farewell.

JCS: This is John Cameron Sleazy bringing you back to the studio. Bye bye Santa!

FRANK ZAPPA & THE MOTHERS (Happy Together): Goodnight. Goodnight boys and girls.

BEATLES: (A Day in the Life) Final Chord.

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »