POETRY: COLORADO LIMERICKS OF THE DAMNED
COLORADO LIMERICKS OF THE DAMNED
Place index:
Aetna Estates, Akron, Alamosa, Alma, Ames, Animas Forks, Antonito, Arboles, Arriba, Arvada, Aspen, Ault, Auraria, Aurora, Austin, Avon, Avondale, Baca, Bailey, Basalt, Battlement Mesa, Bayfield, Bedrock, Bennett, Bent County, Berthoud, Bethune, Beulah Valley, Black Hawk, Blanca, Bonanza, Bond, Boone, Boulder, Bountiful, Bow Mar, Brandon, Branson, Breckenridge, Brighton, Broomfield, Brush, Buena Vista, Byers, Cahone, Carr, Cascade, Castle Pines, Castle Rock, Centennial, Center, Chaffee, Chama, Cheraw, Cheyenne Wells, Cimarron, Clifton, Climax, Coal Creek, Colorado, Colorado Springs, Columbine, Como, Cortez, Costilla, Cotopaxi, Craig, Creede, Crested Butte, Cripple Creek, Crook, Crowley, Crystola, Custer, Dacono, De Beque, Deckers, Deer Trail, Del Norte, Delhi, Delta, Denver, Dillon, Dinosaur, Divide, Dolores, Dotsero, Douglas, Drake, Durango, Eads, Eagle, Eaton, Eckley, El Jebel, Elizabeth, Ellicott, Erie, Estes, Evans, Evergreen, Fairplay, Federal Heights, Firestone, Fleming, Florence, Fort Carson, Fort Collins, Fort Lupton, Fort Morgan, Fountain, Fowler, Foxfield, Fraser, Frederick, Frisco, Fruita, Garfield, Gateway, Genesee, Genoa, Glendevey, Goodrich, Gould, Granada, Granby, Grand Junction, Grand Lake, Granite, Green Mountain Falls, Grover, Guffey, Gunnison, Gypsum, Hasty, Hayden, Hermosa, Hiawatha, Highlands Ranch, Hillside, Hoehne, Holden, Holly, Holyoke, Hooper, Hotchkiss, Hoyt, Hugo, Hygiene, Idaho Springs, Idalia, Ignacio, Iliff, Indian Hills, Jackson, Jefferson, Joes, Karval, Keeley, Ken Caryl, Kersey, Kim, La Garita, La Junta, La Plata, La Veta, Lafayette, Laird, Lake City, Lakeside, Lakewood, Laporte, Last Chance, Lay, Leyner, Lincoln, Littleton, Lochbuie, Loma, Lone Tree, Longmont, Loveland, Lyons, Mack, Manassa, Marble, Marino, Maybell, McCoy, Mead, Meeker, Milliken, Minturn, Model, Montezuma, Mosca, Mountain Village, New Castle, Niwot, Norrie, Northglenn, Norwood, Nunn, Otis, Ouray, Ovid, Palisade, Paonia, Parker, Parlin, Peetz, Penrose, Pierce, Pine, Pritchett, Prowers, Punkin Center, Radium, Ramah, Rand, Rangely, Red Cliff, Rico, Rifle, Rocky Ford, Routt, Rye, Saguache, St. Mary’s, Salida, San Luis, Security Widefield, Sedalia, Seibert, Severance, Silt, Silver Plume, Simla, Snowmass Village, Snyder, South Fork, Sterling, Stonewall, Stratton, Summit, Superior, Swink, Teller, Thatcher, Timnath, Towaoc, Towner, Trinidad, Tyrone, Vail, Vernon, Victor, Vilas, Virginia Dale, Vona, Ward, Weldona, Westminster, Weston, Wetmore, White River City, Whitewater, Wiggins, Wiley, Windsor, Wolcott, Woodland Park, Wray, Yampa, Yellow Jacket, Yuma.
A pervert who roamed Colorado
Showboated with shameless bravado
He said, “I take all,
Whether tiny or tall.”
I said, “What goes with me?” He said, “Sodo.”
A poet from Aetna Estates
Explained his good fortune on dates:
“When you read a sonnet
A girl jumps right on it,
And cums when you plagiarize Yeats.”
An old diabetic from Akron
was hungry and went on a snack run
While buying his breadsticks
He spied two well-fed chicks
And said, “You look sweeter than sacc’run!”
*
At a Japanese restaurant in Alamosa
A girl with anorexia nervosa
Was swallowing oodles
Of pukeable noodles
But choked to death on a gyoza
*
I know a young hooker in Alma
So nervous that nothing can calm `er
If you use your finger
You’ll frighten and sting her
So don’t use your finger, just palm `er
*
A vicious young psycho from Ames
Keeps lists of his poor victims’ names
The girls who are dead
He highlights in red
And circles the ones he just maims
*
Don’t bother with Animas Forks
A town that’s just teeming with dorks
Those tedious nerds
Use five-dollar words
And plug up their assholes with corks
*
While traveling through Antonito
I met a strange fella named Vito
His extra-large foreskin
Kept adding on more skin
And looked like a giant burrito
*
The sweet little town of Arboles
Has 200 perverts—and no less
They sit in the shade
and drink lemonade
and shove dildos in their cornholes.
*
A handsome young man from Arriba
Was hung like a baby amoeba
Despite his small cock
The girls would still flock:
He told them he was Justin Bieba
*
A virginal child in Arvada
Woke up one fine day with stigmata
She bled from her fists
Her tits and her wrists;
She looked like a squashed enchilada
*
A wizened old floozy from Aspen
Whose voice is all throaty and raspin’
Blames African guys
And their punishing size
For leaving her gaggin’ and gaspin’
*
A creepy eccentric named Walt
Once murdered a waitress in Ault
He sautéed her brains
And all her remains
In garlic, cilantro, and salt
*
There once was a girl from Auraria
Who suffered through bouts of malaria
You wouldn’t believe her
astonishing fever
and buckets of runny diaria
*
A troubled young Jewess named Norah
Attended a shul in Aurora
She tied up the Rabbi
The Cantor and Gabbai
And sodomized them with a torah
*
If you should ever make your way to Austin
You’ll find a perfect hamlet to get lost in
A girl went there on her spring break
She disappeared, for heaven’s sake
And all they ever found was her lip gloss tin
*
An unlucky farmgirl from Avon
Was humming her favorite song, “Rave On”
She fell in a pit
Of animal shit
And that’s what the town built her grave on
*
A handsome young hoarder from Avondale
Will buy up whatever stores have on sale
And when he can’t pay
He gets put away
Quite often he’s raped by the staff in jail
*
There is a young woman in Baca
Who shits and then eats her own caca
What she can’t digest
She drools down her chest
Till excrement covers each knocka
*
A lusty young woman from Bailey
was tickled to date an Israeli.
He handled her roughly
And spoke to her gruffly
and made her go down on him daily
*
There was a young man from Basalt
Who kept jars of pee in a vault
And when he’d feel tender
He’d whip out a blender
And drink all his piss in a malt
*
A student from Battlement Mesa
Would chew on her pencil erasa
The teacher said, “Jen,
don’t do that again!”
And punched her real hard in the fasa.
*
A gifted soul singer from Bayfield
Was beaten to death in a hayfield
His gasping and groans
His hollers and moans
Made me think of a young Curtis Mayfield
*
A brutal young rapist from Bedrock
Tried putting a girl in a headlock
She broke from his grip
And bit off the tip
He lived, but he now has a deadcock
*
A fat politician from Bennett
Was fucking his labrador when it
Jumped up with a shriek
And bit off his cheek
And made him the talk of the Senate
*
There was a young girl from Bent County
Who fucked a Canadian mountie
When they’d kiss and pet
He’d get her so wet
She needed to mop up with Bounty.
*
There’s a casket in a graveyard in Berthoud
And I asked two young men to unearth it
For inside that chest
Lay the girl I loved best
Wasn’t easy to fuck her, but worth it.
*
A bawdy old bitch from Bethune
Would rise from her mattress at noon
“My husband,” she’d grin,
“is ugly as sin.
Thank goodness, he’s hung like a coon.”
*
A tender young lady named Sally
was sightseeing in Beulah Valley
She hired a guide
Who stayed by her side
Then raped her three times in an alley
*
A randy young Negro from Black Hawk
Would shock all the girls with his smack talk
They thought him deranged
but their attitude changed
When he filled them all up with his black-cawk
*
I had an ex-girlfriend in Blanca
Who’d bathe in a tub full of Sanka
When she would emerge
I’d get a strong urge
To bend her ass over and spanca
*
A husky young man from Bonanza
Has muscles just like Tony Danza
But half of his face
Is being replaced
`Cause he’s got malignant skin canza
*
There was a young lady from Bond
of whom all the bachelors were fond
For when she would flirt
She’d pull up her skirt
and prove she was truly a blonde
*
There was a young lady from Boone
Who kept Cheerios in her poon
When she wasn’t fucking
She’d spend her time plucking
The cereal out with a spoon
*
A brutal young fella from Boulder
Once tied up his girlfriend and told her
“I’ll spread your legs wide
Push my fist inside
and slide my arm up to the shoulder.”
*
A Canadian visiting Bountiful
Bought bale after bale of its county wool
But she felt so sore
`cause two nights before
her pussy was open and Mountie full.
*
A foolish young fellow named Omar
Drinks unfiltered water in Bow Mar
He says he feels great;
he’s even lost weight
but that’s from his cancerous tow mar
*
The sex life of Brenda from Brandon
is simply beyond understandin’
With lines down her bed
and cones by her head
She guides fellas in for a landin’
*
A charming young cowboy from Branson
Would take all his ladyfriends dancin’
And then in his truck
They’d party and fuck
Till he’d cut them up like Charles Manson
*
One thing I would never have reckoned is
How weird is that geezer in Breckenridge
He hides his wife’s hair
In an old Frigidaire
And keeps both her legs in a second fridge
*
A pedophile vicar from Brighton
Found altar boys very excitin’
It felt so intense
When they’d swing their incense
The rim of his asshole would tighten
*
Said a desperate spinster in Broomfield
“All my searching does not a good groom yield.
Now, maybe one night
I will meet Mister Right
But till then I am keeping my womb sealed.”
*
A tender young lady from Brush
Would turn all the men into mush
They’d start in one hole
But then lose control
And slide halfway into her tush
*
For raping a girl and her sista
A pedophile from Buena Vista
Was thrown into Rikers
With big, hairy bikers
And now he takes dicks up his keesta
*
A sick orthodontist from Byers
would tie up his victims with wires
If they dared resist
he’d tighten and twist
And pull all their teeth out with pliers
*
Although she’s a homely old crone
I still see this girl from Cahone
She’s wild and she’s flexible
utterly sexable
bouncing like mad on my bone
*
There was a young actress from Carr
Who dreamt she would be a big star
She wasted ten years
and cried bitter tears
as she twerked in the bottomless bar
*
I know an old whore in Cascade
whose pussy is dank and decayed
To keep men who lick
From getting real sick
she sprays her vajayjay with Glade
*
When partying in Castle Pines
I always come dressed to the nines
For dating is tricky
when women are picky
and won’t let you near their vagines
*
The orchestra in Castle Rock
Plays naked, but please, do not mock
The drummer is cute
And the guy on the flute
plays first xylophone with his cock
*
Don’t pity that pervy millennial
Who’s now doing time in Centennial
`Cause he stuck his noodle
Into his pet poodle
And sodomized his cocker spenniel
*
A frustrated fellow from Center
Whose girlfriend would not let him enter
One day with a grin
Just bashed her face in
And laughed at her just to torment `er
*
I once knew a woman from Chaffee
whose hygienic habits were daffy
For hours she’d scour
her delicate flower
then pull the pudenda like taffy
*
A dirty old pervert from Chama
had sex once a week with a llama
I once asked this loner
how he kept his boner
He said, “I just think of my mama.”
*
How sad was that man from Cheraw
Whose left hand was merely a claw
His only girlfriend
Met a terrible end;
He hiccuped unhooking her bra
*
The whorehouse in old Cheyenne Wells
Has the loveliest mademoiselles
They’re gracious and hot
But clean they are not
How nauseous I get from their smells!
*
A clean-shaven fellow from Cimarron
Was livid to find his hair trimmer gone
So ugly and weird
was his subsequent beard
he’d hide in his room with the dimmer on
*
I know a young athlete from Clifton
who damaged herself while weightliftin’
She can’t take a shit
Without pain in her clit
and both of her ovaries shiftin’
*
Each evening the women of Climax
Who suffer from horribly dry cracks
Will all share a tube
of vaginal lube
and watch Mamma Mia! on Imax
*
There once was a whore from Coal Creek
Who fell for a horny ol’ freak
He paid for one night
but things went so right
She stayed in his bed a whole week
*
A hooker from Colorado Springs
Was paid to do acrobatic things
But she was so rough
The men screamed, “Enough!”
And most of them left her in slings
*
A skiing instructor from Columbine
Molested each girl in the slalom line
Together they got him
and stabbed him and shot him
He lies in a box made of solemn pine
*
Oh how they respect Rabbi Shlomo
Who runs a big temple in Como
He has a nice life
Six kids and a wife
But everyone knows he’s a homo
*
A curious girl from Cortez
Suspected she might be a lez
She slept with one whore
Then twenty-five more
And now she’s got chronic herpez
*
She’s always so grateful to see ya
that dirty old whore in Costilla
For though she can thrill
with her looks and her skill
She gives every john gonorrhea
*
A lady in East Cotopaxi
Was raped in the back of a taxi
They tracked down the demon
by finding his semen
Dried up on her pad that was maxi
*
One morning a fellow from Craig
Found scabies all over his leg
He spent all day long
Inspecting his dong
And checking his foreskin for smeg
*
A neophyte hooker from Creede
Was very inexpert indeed
She’d shudder and sob
When gobbling a knob
and vomit when swallowing seed
*
How proper, how tender, how cute
Was that damsel from old Crested Butte
Who knew that beneath
Her gold hair and white teeth
Lay the heart of a sick prostitutte?
*
A pregnant young woman from Cripple Creek
Was attacked by a crow with a triple beak
He pecked at her chest
And gnawed at her breast
Till one of her tits sprang a nipple leak
*
A disciplined hooker from Crook
Keeps all of her fees in a book
It’s fifty to spank
A hundred to wank
But only twelve dollars to look
*
There was an old woman from Crowley
Whose tummy was crampy and growly
When seeking the answer
The doctors found cancer
and cut off a third of her bowely
*
Un hombre muy mal en Crystola
Shot poor Pedro with his pistola
The bullet was thick
and lodged in his dick
and made him bleed from his pisshola
*
A popular hooker in Custer
Is losing a bit of her luster
Though far from a hag
She’s starting to sag
And can’t ride a dick like she’uster.
*
A kind-hearted whore from Dacono
Would offer her Fridays pro bono
She’d not charge a nickel
To slap, tease, and tickle
Though fucking her ass was a no-no
*
Oh, how all the boys yearned to neck
With lovely Denise from De Beque
The losers brought candy
and roses and brandy
The winners just gave her a check
*
Beware the young women of Deckers
For they are a pack of home wreckers
Again and again
They steal married men
who are willingly led by their peckers.
*
A horny old fairy from Deer Trail
Would try to pick up every queer male
His odor was musty
His skillset was rusty
But somehow not once did his rear fail
*
A troubled young girl from Del Norte
Found foreplay was just not her forte
The boy she held dear
left her with a sneer
and a child that she had to aborte
*
There was a young woman from Delhi
Who kept M&Ms in her belly
The men found it yummy
to eat from her tummy
Who cared that her pussy was smelly?
*
The last time I visited Delta
I grabbed a young lady and felta
She got so irate
and in such a state
It caused me to haul off and belta
*
How bittersweet `tis to remember
The girl that I dated in Denver
We met in the spring
And had quite a fling
Too bad she was dead by December
*
I once had a hooker in Dillon
who said, “Boy, my pussy needs fillin’!
So whip out your dick
and jump on me quick
When I lift my legs, you start drillin’!”
*
I reckon you won’t find a finer whore
Than Dinah, the floozy of Dinosaur
She’ll lie on her back
And open her crack
And hump till you make her vagina sore
*
I knew an old whore in Divide
Whose manner was surly and snide
I took a big poker
and reamed out that joker
Then came on her face when she died
*
This very strong girl from Dolores
Can pull a truck with her clitoris
The reason is not
the strength of her twat;
Her vulva is limber and porous
*
A corporate VP from Dotsero
Who looked just like Robert DeNiro
Renounced job and wife
For the show business life
And now he’s a bum on welfareo
*
A hooker I hired in Douglas
Was friendly and sweet but not bugless
Her fleas and mosquitoes
chewed on me like Cheetos
I left, and my ding-dong went tugless
*
There is a young fellow from Drake
Whose dick is as long as a snake
It’s all so unsightly
He ties it up nightly
And bashes his balls with a rake
*
One evening while dancing the tango
With Dora, a whore from Durango
She shouted and cried
and clutched at her side
Then squatted and shat out a mango
*
In the Kiowa County of Eads
Lives a man who adores anal beads
The more he inserts
The harder it hurts
And he bleeds and he bleeds and he bleeds
*
A horny young pervert from Eagle
was busted for banging a beagle
His lawyer said, “Sure,
the act is impure,
but technically not quite illegal.”
*
A tender young schoolboy from Eaton
Was raped and then horribly beaten
His bruises are healing
Except that he’s dealing
With blood that he can’t stop excretin’
*
A vicious young from Eckley
Does not do his job circumspec’ly
To mark the occasion
of each home invasion
He rapes all the women direc’ly
*
A plus-sized young lass from El Jebel
Who fancies herself quite the rebel
Can stuff a grapefruit
into her patoot
and crush it the size of a pebble
*
A dirty old whore from Elizabeth
would give all her suitors the kiss of death
The hag’s diagnosis?
Acute halitosis
brought on by a lifetime of jizm breath
*
A young Chinese lady from Ellicott
Would tell all the boys she was “velly hot”
But when the men tried her
They couldn’t abide her
`Cause that little whore had a smellitwat
*
Said Jane to her Mackintosh, “Siri,
Tell me, what are the men like in Erie?”
Said Siri, “They’re gross,
Obese and morose
And the backs of their Hanes are all smeary.”
*
There was a young woman from Estes
Who’d never let men touch her brestes
If they’d even try
She’d look in their eye
And kick `em real hard in the testes
*
A crazy musician from Evans
Was singing a song to the heavens
He started off tender
But then grabbed his Fender
And cranked all his amps to elevens
*
A sweet college student from Evergreen
whose tits are as fine as you’ve ever seen
can pass all her tests
by flashing her breasts
and fucking our wicked but clever dean
*
A lousy musician from Fairplay
wrote songs that no deejay would dare play
Although quite unlawful
His songs were so awful
He traded free blowjobs for airplay
*
A dissolute lady from Federal Heights
Would screw through her days and fuck through her nights
Her life was so heady
To be at the ready,
She’d smear K-Y lube down the back of her tights
*
A churchgoing lady from Firestone
Can make all the boys in the choir moan
But if they get fresh
She aims for their flesh
and kicks till they sing in a higher tone
*
A weary young soldier from Fleming
Was sick of the war’s Us and Them-ing
So rather than kill
He wrote out a will
and leapt from a cliff like a lemming
*
A wicked old swindler in Florence
Deserves our contempt and abhorrence
With pyramid schemes
He devastates dreams
by feeding on greed and ignorrence
*
A troubled young man from Fort Carson
Developed a passion for arson
He did his research
then kindled a church
And burned up three pews and a parson
*
A woman I know from Fort Collins
Bought tickets to see Sonny Rollins
But while in the stands
She got swollen glands
From the smoke and the weed and the pollens
*
There was a young girl from Fort Lupton
Who looked like a twin of Kate Upton
Though she was a virgin
The men kept on urgin’
`Cause that bitch was up for corruptin’
*
There is a young girl in Fort Morgan
Nice bod, but a face like a gorgon
So what I advise
is aim for her thighs
`Cause you got no eyes in your organ
*
Some daring young fellows from Fountain
went climbing up Mount Evans mountain
Till they lost their grip
and down they did slip
That’s 29 corpses and countin’!
*
An unlucky woman from Fowler
was trapped in her house by a prowler
She begged for her life
But he grabbed a knife
and, oh boy, did he disembowl’er
*
If you pick up women in Foxfield
You’d better be wearing your pox shield
The unlucky souls
Who sampled their holes
caught so much contagion their cocks peeled
*
A nasty old hooker from Fraser
Holds inside her pussy a razor
When men start to thrust
She writhes with disgust
And castrates each fucker who lays her
*
A frisky young fellow from Frederick
Was known for performing a bed trick
He’d tie up his thing
With ribbon and string
And wow all the girls with his red dick
*
A chubby young lady in Frisco
Would dance every night at the disco
I kidnapped that ho
And rolled her in dough
I’m frying her slowly in Crisco
*
I daresay there’s no woman cuta
Than Tillie the trollope of Fruita
When she doffs her top
Your eyes cannot stop
Ping ponging from hoota to hoota
*
Tucked deep in the outskirts of Garfield
You’ll find an immense and bizarre field
`Twas there Jean Paul Sartre
Let out a great fart
So loud that Simone de Beauvoir squealed
*
One morning, a fellow from Gateway
Said, “I’m gonna make this a great day!”
He went back to sleep,
Dreamed he was a sheep,
Then sat on the toilet and ate hay.
*
A troubled young fellow from Genesee
Was quite the vehicular menace, he
once drove down the street
while under his feet
were five empty bottles of Hennessy
*
A ribald young lady from Genoa
Is unknown to women, but men know `er
For if a man begs
She opens her legs
and stuffs in the eggs that are ben-wa.
*
A girl that I know in Glendevey
has gotten so sloppy and heavy
The last time we met
and started to pet
She broke the back seat of my Chevy
*
The thing about living in Goodrich
is that it’s a strange neighborhood which
requires a fellow
to holler and bellow
and order his wife, “Take my wood, bitch!”
*
I weep for the virgin of Gould
who by a rogue scoundrel was fooled
She slept with the bloke
and when she awoke
Her vulva was covered with mould.
*
A nearsighted mohel from Gypsum
Makes all babies yelp when he grips `em
With shaky old hands
He squeezes their glands
And foreskins go kcchhhh! when he rips `em
*
An evil white slaver named Holden
Once kidnapped a woman from Golden
He mailed her out quickly
But she was so sickly
She died in the box she was sold in
*
A boy in a bar in Granada
Said Israel should fear Intifada
We got him real drunk
Then roughed up the punk
and spat in his pina colada
*
A troubled young bishop from Granby
Asked himself, “just how bad can a man be?”
And so on an altar
He raped and killed Walter
And now he’s as evil as can be.
*
[Alternate, for Marvin Heemyer]:
A desperate worker from Granby
Asked himself, “How immoral can man be?”
He rode through the town
and dozed it all down
`Cause he couldn’t think of a Plan B.
*
A strapping young fellow from Grand
with chancres all over his gland
cough
off
The pus drips all over his hand
*
A pedophile priest from Grand Junction
Would prey on the youth sans compunction
Though it was a sin
He could not get it in
For he had erectile dysfunction
[Alternate Grand Junction] A wretched old man from Grand Junction
whose pecker would no longer function
Said, “My dick’s deceased!”
and summoned a priest
who gave his dead schlong extreme unction
*
I once knew a girl from Grand Lake
Whose tits were fantastic but fake
When she’d go out dancing
Her moves were entrancing
She’d shimmy, but they wouldn’t shake
*
A leathery hooker named Janet
Turns tricks in a brothel in Granite
When her shift is done
She sits in the sun
And spreads out her vulva to tan it
*
A faggot from Green Mountain Falls
Wears makeup and long woolen shawls
He douses his bone
with eau de cologne
and rubs Shalimar on his balls
*
I know a young woman in Guffey
whose manner is haughty and huffy
Last week on a whim
I fisted her quim
And now it’s discolored and puffy
*
I pay a young model from Grover
To pose naked with my Range Rover
She looks really good
stretched out on the hood
but oh so much better bent over
*
The twat of a woman from Gunnison
Is tight, but a frightfully runny one.
Her hole is so juicy
you’ll drown in her puicy
So don’t go all up in her cunny, son.
*
There was a young woman from Hasty
Whose skin was all pimply and pasty
Yet time and again
She’d please the same men
`cause goddamn, her pussy was tasty
*
Last weekend I drove up to Hayden
And there I seduced a fair maiden
Although it’s a rental
I’m so sentimental
I’m keeping the car she got laid in
*
A musical girl from Hermosa
Went out with a famous composa
but romance was gone
when he used a baton
to dig out the snot from his nosa
*
The prostitutes in Hiawatha
Are honestly not worth the botha
They get the job done
but aren’t much fun
And all of them look like Bea Artha
*
A tremulous virgin named Blanche
was kidnapped from old Highlands Ranch
No, she was not raped
In fact, she escaped
by massively shitting her panch
*
My friend sees a hooker in Hillrose
He started quite young, but he still goes
She’s tired and slow
Not much of a ho
But, boy, can she do things with dildose
*
There was an old junkie from Hillside
Whose brain was both needle and pill fried
She snorted a drug
and collapsed on the rug
They tried CPR, but she still died
*
A sexy young actress from Hoehne
Was beautiful but quite the phony
She’d talk like a prude
But then she’d get nude
and b.j. her way to a Tony
*
There once was a modest and lowly bloke
who worked as a grocer in Holyoke
Each weekend poor Jack
Would go to the track
And as you’d expect he went slowly broke
*
There is a young woman in Holly
Who’s deeply addicted to Molly
If you have a stash
She’ll give you her cash
And suck on your dick like a lolly
*
A black college student from Hooper
Was stopped on the road by a trooper
Who treated him rough
And put him in cuffs
and jammed a baton in his pooper
*
They arrested a fellow from Hotchkiss
`cause there was a girl he would watch piss
He thought he was flirting
that time she was squirting
and he pulled her down for a crotch kiss
*
The wonderful thing about Hoyt is
It’s just as perverse as Detroit is
There’s threesomes, and four
And orgies galore
The place is a cauldron of coitis
*
If you’re looking for somewhere fun to go
Then why not vacation in Hugo?
There’s golf and martinis
And girls in bikinis
And clubs where they won’t let a Jew go
*
I love a young woman in Hygiene
When she gives a blowjob, she’s my queen
Her magical touch
makes me cum so much
The residue turns her left eye green
*
How gaily the heart in me sings
For Ida of Idaho Springs
So gentle and pure
So sweet and demure;
I make her do terrible things.
*
A troubled young man from Idalia
Was scared of his own genitalia
He tried to detach it
by using a hatchet
His tombstone attests to his failia.
*
There is a young girl in Ignacio
Who fancies herself quite a saucy ho
She tells dirty jokes
to all of her blokes
and bites them when doing fellacio
*
I pity poor Iris of Iliff
Who just wants to jump off a high cliff
With parents so strict
She only gets dicked
But deep down she’s knows she’s a bi quiff
*
When it comes to torture and sickening kills
You can’t beat that fellow from Indian Hills
He kidnapped one victim
and punched him and kicked him
and gouged out his eyeballs with two cordless drills
*
To finish some filin’ and faxin’
I went to a Staples in Jackson
The girl at the counter
implored me to mount `er
A project both hot and relaxin’
*
I know a young woman in Jefferson
Who’s mute, and you won’t find a deafer one
She’s sweet and she’s quiet
Too bad she won’t diet
At 300 pounds, she’s a heifer, son
*
I always vacation in Joes
`Cause all of the girls there are hoes
My favorite by far
Gets into my car
and toots on the horn while she blows
*
When Mary the moth was still larval
She wriggled from Kersey to Karval
And when she got wings
she did other things
That bitch was a whore, but a marvel
*
A plucky young lady named Keeley
Would give up her cherry quite freely
But men that she chose
All quivered and froze
`cause her pussy smelled worse than East Greeley
*
A quirky young man from Ken Caryl
Would take all his shits in a barrel
One terrible minute
He slipped and fell in it
and ruined his finest apparel
*
A serial killer from Kersey
Whose victims begged vainly for mersey
Said, “Yes, you will suffer,
but it could be rougher;
at least you don’t live in New Jersey.”
*
A clever young lady from Kim
Would go every day to the gym
And then for an hour
She’d stand in the shower
To get the stench out of her quim
*
If ever you’re in La Garita
Be sure you spend time with Anita
For although her tush
smells like baba ganoush
Her pussy is shaped like a pita
*
An NFL fan from La Junta
Will do anything that you wanta
She gave her vaginer
to each Forty-Niner
Except for the safety and punta
*
If ever you visit La Plata
Steer clear of a whore named Renata
Her perilous womb
is a penis’s tomb
for she has vagina dentata
*
There was a young girl from La Veta,
Who learned that her man was a cheata
So one night she crept
into bed while he slept
and cut off his nuts and his peeta.
*
The best thing about Lafayette
is a musical girl named Babette
She’ll pound on your bum
Like beating a drum
And boy, can she play clarinet
*
Oh, what a fine evening I shared
With Lena, a lady from Laird
She gave me permission
for every position
and left not an orifice spared
*
There was a young girl in Lake City
Whose shorthand and typing were shitty
However, her boss
Would never get cross
`Cause she’d let him nut on her titty
*
A dirty old pervert from Lakeside
Would pull down his trousers and take pride
in waving his dick
at every cute chick
Until one sad morning, his snake died.
*
There was a young hooker from Lakewood
Who wasn’t so cute but could fake good
Why, every last wimp
no matter how limp
would watch her performance and make wood
*
It’s awfully fun to cavort
with Laura, a whore from Laporte
But when you awaken
you’ll be shocked and shaken
from counting each genital wart
*
If you ever visit Last Chance
Be sure that you know how to dance
One fellow who stumbled
Was so badly humbled
The dumb S.O.B. shit his pance
*
There once was a small town named Lay
What else could I possibly say?
*
A wearying woman from Leyner
Was quite the annoying complainer
“She gave me no rest,”
Her husband confessed,
“So shooting her was a no-brainer.”
*
Oh, pity that hooker in Lincoln
Whose business is rapidly shrinkin’
Her face is still fair
and she has a nice pair
But her pussy is dried up and stinkin’
*
Three fine violinists from Littleton
Were having a bit too much fiddle fun
To help with these chores
they hired three whores
And viciously gang-raped the middle one
*
The twat of a tramp from from Lochbuie
Was deep but disgusting and gluey
She used it quite well
But Jesus, the smell
could make even dead men go, “Pfooey!”
*
There was an old lady from Loma
Who fell and went into a coma
And when she awoke
her tummy was broke
and had to be stopped with a stoma
*
Each evening a fellow from Lone Tree
drinks up a whole pint of his own pee
Then drunk on his piss
He gives me a kiss
But only right after he’s blown me
*
I pity that schoolgirl in Longmont
Who lived with her brutal and strong aunt
when she’d type a paper
her auntie would rape her
then punch her for using the wrong font.
*
A plucky coal miner from Loveland
Became quite the pervert above land
He’d stuff lumps of coal
Into his asshole
And jerk himself off with his glove hand
*
A practical lady from Lyons
donated her pussy to science
And now every week
some nerdy young geek
abuses it with an appliance
*
A handsome young fellow named Jack
deflowered a blind girl from Mack
She said, “I’m not sure
if you’re rich or you’re poor,
but judging by that thing, you’re black!”
*
I know a cute girl from Manassa
So smart that she got into Vassar
She needn’t do work
`Cause she knows how to jerk
And there isn’t a prof who won’t pass `er
*
A weightlifting wonder from Marble
Put 600 pounds on his barbell
When hoisting that mass
He ruptured his ass
He’s fine, but the cleanup was hor’ble.
*
Beware of that fellow from Milliken
For when he is mentally ill, he can
sneak into the zoo
rape a fat kangaroo
and fuck the shit out of a pelican
*
A vain Casanova named Nino
Came to a bad end in Marino
One flick of the knife
did not take his life
But was he still able to pee? No.
*
A girl at the Starbucks in Maybell
Would climb up and pee on the taybell
They’d call her a slag
and a dirty old hag
But I think she’s merely unstaybell
*
A dirty old queer from McCoy
was fucking a 12-year-old boy
The sex was so mad
He injured the lad
By piercing his ass with a toy
*
A randy old hooker from Mead
Was very proficient indeed
For she could devour
Twelve clients an hour
And swallow a gallon of seed
*
A cancer researcher from Meeker
Is also the town’s best-known streaker
He keeps his vaccines
At home in his jeans
But guess where he carries his beaker?
*
The jovial mayor of Minturn
Would help the townspeople and, in turn,
they’d vote for the guy
and turn a blind eye
Whenever he’d rape a male intern.
*
My ten-year-old child wants to throttle
The Amerind mayor of Model
Said he, as emcee
of the town spelling bee,
“Spell Acuecueyotlcihuatl!”
*
A pretty young actress named Uma
Would go out to eat and consume a
huge bucket of chicken
until she would sicken
and suffer revenge Montezuma
I met a girl online from Montezuma
And got my camera up so I could zoom-a
but when we briefly spoke
I told a Polish joke
Some women just don’t have a sense of huma
*
A naughty young singer from Mosca
Tried out for the film role of Tosca
Her acting was tame
Her singing was lame
`Twas blowjobs that won her the Osca.
*
How bandits would plunder and pillage
the townfolk of poor Mountain Village!
These men, so immoral,
forced girls to do oral
and swallow each drop of their spillage
*
A haughty young man from New Castle
got caught in a horrible hassle
Pulled over for speeding
he lost his fine breeding
and called the policeman an assh’le
*
A naughty young woman from Niwot
Said, “I know why boys all find me hot.
My tits are so firm
They make the men squirm
and my cooch is as tight as a flea twat.”
*
Beware of that hooker from Norrie
Whose twat tastes like old calamari
Her price is all right
And she’ll fuck you all night
But trust me on this: you’ll be sorry
*
A virginal girl from Northglenn
was terribly shy around men
But then she met Pete
So kind and so sweet
She fucked him again and again
*
A sensual hooker from Norwood
Earns more than your commonplace whore would
She hugs and she squeezes
and torments and teases
And gets all the men to make more wood
*
Oh how all the bachelors would shun
That portly old lady from Nunn
She’d sit on their laps
And take mighty craps
That weighed a proverbial ton
*
A cheery cheerleader from Otis
Is someone the other girls notice
They call her “the flower”
because in the shower
Her pussy unfolds like a lotus
*
A giddy young pervert from Ouray
Loved watching gay porn on his Blu-ray
He’d sit on his thumb
`til actors would cum
Then wiggle it `round and shout, “Hooray!”
*
When asked how she came down with Covid
A naughty young actress from Ovid
Said, “last Sunday morn
I was shooting some porn
And I took several loads in a blowvid.”
*
If you’re ever in Palisade
Be warned if you go to get laid
The girls aren’t nice
and they’re crawling with lice
So carry a big can of Raid.
*
There is a young girl in Paonia
Who’s ready and willing to bone ya
Best get there today
She’s moving away
Next week she’ll be in Califonia
*
A militant Negro from Parker
Said, “Man, I sure wish I was darker!”
That son of a bitch
Turned darker than pitch
With the help of a black magic marker
*
There is a young woman from Parlin
That all the men want to call darlin’
But when she gets close
They realize she’s gross:
her pussy smells like a dead marlin
*
An elegant lady from Peetz
Can do quite remarkable feats
Like strike a long match
On the lips of her snatch
And shoot gasoline from her teats
*
When horny, my friend now and then goes
to visit sweet Penny in Penrose
She’s not all that pretty
Her makeup is shitty
but she curls each one of his ten toes
*
There is an old woman in Pierce
who likes to be fucked fast and fierce
Although she’s near 80
This dirty old lady
Can still lift her knees past her ears
*
A prim little lady from Pine
went out and had way too much wine
She got in her car
but didn’t drive far
And now she has rods in her spine
*
There was a young lady from Pritchett
And when her vagina would itch it
Would cause her such stress
She’d pull up her dress
and beg for a surgeon to stitch it
*
I’ll never forget the four hours
I spent in the County of Prowers
I hired three whores
to pull down their drawers
and drench me with warm golden showers
*
A cautious whore I know in Punkin Center
Says, “You must wear three condoms when you enter.”
She has so many crazy rules
The men who fuck her feel like fools
But if you’ve got the money you can rent `er.
*
They cheered that young singer from Radium
Last week when she played the Palladium
She did a wild dance
Then whipped off her pants
and fucked everyone in the stadium
*
A woman who married in Ramah
annulled it, and no one can blameah
Her hubby was wealthy
and handsome and healthy
but known as a dick-sucking flameah
*
I once knew a fellow from Rand
whose sex life was boring and bland
He’d strip to begin it
and pump for a minute
then finish the job with his hand
*
I’m dating a woman from Rangely
Who’s constantly trying to change me
Last night in her sleep
I plowed her real deep
And now she’s been eyeing me strangely
*
A husband and wife from Red Cliff
Were having a bit of a tiff
He spied the fine ass
of a curvy young lass
And could not conceal getting stiff
*
A tree-hugging hippie from Rico
Went wild about everything eco
She cursed at a cop
And just wouldn’t stop
He battered her worse than Steve Biko
*
A randy young lady from Rifle
Gives all of her boyfriends an eyeful
For one must confess
When she pulls up her dress
her doo-dah is really delifle
*
A girl I went steady with in Rocky Ford
I thought I admired, I thought I adored!
She filled up my nights
with carnal delights
but gave me the clap as a lifetime reward
*
A miserable sailor from Routt
was riddled with cancer and gout
The last time he sailed
He wept and he wailed
and he flopped on the deck like a trout
*
A half-blinded hooker from Rye
Let customers cum in her eye
And though it sounds funny
To make extra money
She’d go into sperm banks and cry
*
A negligent mohel from Saguache
Consumed half a bottle of scotch
His fingers went wild
while snipping a child
and now the poor kid has no crotch
*
How sad that the men of St. Mary’s
are all such effeminate fairies
It’s really a waste since
the girls aren’t chaste
and willingly give up their cherries
*
I know a young lady named Ida
Who works on a farm in Salida
When she gets done mowing
She’d gives me some blowing
And lets me go halfway insida
*
There is an old shul in San Luis
Where you’ll find a gorgeous young Jewess
Though week after week
She’s prudish and meek,
she fucks like a dog on Shavuis
*
I once had a boss in Sedalia
who called me a fool and a failia
So later that winter
I picked up a printer
and slammed it on his genitalia
*
A saucy young lady from Seibert
Gave blowjobs to Siskel and Ebert
She kneeled on the road
Taking load after load
She would’ve done more, but her knee hurt
*
A plucky young lady from Severance
Inspires a great deal of reverence
If you have a dick
That’s enormous and thick
She’ll take it all in and she’ll never wince
*
A succulent lady from Silt
Was physically perfectly built
For even the strongest
The widest and longest
Could stick it in up to the hilt
*
I dated a lady from near Silver Plume
And laid her right there in her own living room
But when I pulled out
She started to shout
and pulled a dead embryo out of her womb
*
I had an old teacher in Simla
Who wasn’t a Nazi but simila
He managed our school
With methods so cruel
We nicknamed the brute Heinrich Himmla
*
Oh how we defiled Snowmass Village
A town we did plunder and pillage
We found women there
and came in their hair
and forced them to lick up the spillage
*
A slutty young lady from Snyder
Put 31 dildos insider
“I coulda done more,”
Said the talented whore
“If only my cervix were wider.”
*
A dexterous girl from South Fork
got sick after eating bad pork
Since there was no quitting
Once she started shitting
She plugged up her ass with a cork
*
A talented athlete from Sterling
Was hoping to medal in curling
But in his big hour
his stomach went sour
And down he went shitting and hurling
*
A submissive eunuch from Stonewall
Would wait for his mistress’s phone call
Then hammer long pins
Right into his shins
and punch himself hard in his lone ball
*
A corpulent lady from Stratton
Would dirty her bedsheets of satin
They’d wipe her and wipe her
and change out her diaper
But still she could not keep her scat in
*
A creepy old dentist from Summit
would poke his wife’s pussy and gum it
She’d cry out in pain
and beg him in vain,
“At least give me something to numb it!”
*
I once knew a girl in Superior
whose outlook could not have been drearier
I hooked her on meth
and now she’s near death
But damned if she isn’t much cheerier
*
There is a young lady in Swink
Whose pussy is perfectly pink
But if you get closer
You best hold your nose, sir,
`cause, boy, does it give off a stink
*
There is a young lady in Teller
As blind as a young Helen Keller
When she steps in poo
It stays on her shoe
Till half of the county can smell’er.
*
A limber young lady from Thatcher
moved so fast that no man could catch’er
But one day she fell
Down a 30-foot well
and doctors could not reattach’er
*
A lesbian lady from Timnath
Was bicycling home on a dim path
Another young dyke
Came by on a bike
So they gave each other a quim bath
*
A sheltered old Rabbi from Towaoc
Went trav’ling to get all his joy back
He stopped in Uganda
and said, “What a shondeh!
HaShem has turned every last goy black!”
*
This girl that I dated from Towner
was pretty, but really a downer
One day at the beach
Oh, how she did screech!
It took half the morning to drown`er
*
A corpulent tranny from Trinidad
Was desp’rate to look like a skinny lad
She pushed all her fat
Through the folds of her twat
And gathered it up in a minipad
*
Oh how I enjoy getting blown
By that tender young twat from Tyrone
She drives me quite daft
As she nibbles my shaft
and drains all the goo from my bone
*
A cheerful young psycho named Dale
Dismembered a woman in Vail
He stifled a grin
As he tore off her skin
And stuffed all her guts in a pail
*
Last Thursday I felt a great yearnin’
So I took a hooker in Vernon
She seemed to be clean
if you know what I mean
But now my urethra is burnin’
*
I met a young lady from Victor
As pretty, she was, as a picter
And though she was cute
Her dad was a brute
Who spat on her twat when he licter
*
A music fanatic from Vilas
Was trying to pick out a stylus
He put on The Beatles
Then grabbed two big needles
and jabbed at his face until eyeless
*
In old Virginia Dale
There lives a man so frail
His teeth and his gums
are the color of plums
and his dick curls in like a snail
*
A sexy young lady from Vona
Would give all the fellas a bona
For 25 bucks
She’d ride the old fucks
And let them bust in her vajona
*
A troubled young woman from Ward
was so unbelievably bored
when she birthed her daughter
she drowned her in water
and ate the umbilical cord
*
A courtly young lass from Weldona
Maintains quite a proper persona
She seems oh-so-prim
like there’s ice in her quim
but trust me, that freak is a moana
*
There was a young man in Westminster
Who tried to seduce an old spinster
Though poems and praise
did not change her ways
his 10-inch kielbasa convinced her
*
A filthy old codger from Weston
whose genitals fleas were infestin’
Tried adding flea powder
into his clam chowder
And shot out his lower intestine
*
I wedded a woman from Wetmore
A marriage I could not regret more
She used to be dishy
and didn’t smell fishy
but now she’s a ghastly thickset whore
*
An ob-gyn from White River City
Considered himself rather witty
One girl smelled so heinous
he plugged up her anus
and tattooed a fish on her clitty
*
A handsome psychotic from Whitewater
Committed a foul but polite slaughter
This elegant charmer
Beheaded a farmer
and fucked his surprisingly tight daughter
*
An amorous actor from Wiggins
was eager to play Henry Higgins
His frivolous heart
wasn’t set on the part
But the tits on Eliza were biggins.
*
There is a young woman in Wiley
Of whom I could not think more highly
On front, side, or back
she’s wild in the sack
And yet she does anal so shyly
*
Beware of that wacko from Windsor!
When he kills a woman, he skins her
Then hides the poor hag
in a lawn-and-leaf bag
And heads to the shed where he bins her
*
There was a young woman in Wolcott
Who dated the dictator Pol Pot
She said, “He’s a brute
And not at all cute
But powerful men make my hole hot.”
*
A girl down in old Woodland Park
Had a swim at the zoo after dark
So free and bucolic,
Her dolphin-filled frolic!
That is, till she met Mr. Shark
*
You’ll find lots of women Woodmoor
and think, on a good night, you could score
But most of those bitches
are frigid old witches;
You’re better off paying a good whore
*
A born-again Christian from Wray
Would wake up each morning and pray,
“Lord, thanks for my life,
My children, and wife.”
“Oh bullshit,” God told him, “You’re gay!”
*
A naughty old woman from Yampa
Kept vaginal lube in her hamper
She had to confess
Her clothes were a mess
But she sure fucked the hell outta grampa
*
A pervert in old Yellow Jacket
Devised quite deviant racket
He’d pull down his drawers
And get on all fours
and pay all the children to smack it.
*
A crazy zookeeper from Yuma
Had sex with a three-year-old puma
When he was asked why
He started to cry
And blamed it all on his brain tuma
*
There was a young woman from the unincorporated suburb of Security-Widefield.
She died.
——————————
THE END
©2018-2023 David Lefkowitz
**********
NOTES & BACKSTORY:
[March 2020] I had lived all my life in New York, but when my wife got a professorial teaching gig in Northern Colorado in 2009, off we went. Colorado’s a pretty great place, and I often miss it. While still living there, and for no particular reason, a couple of limericks came into my head about towns in Colorado. Before I knew it, I kept adding more and more until (as of this writing in March 2020), I had nearly 100 and counting.
Being limericks, they’re as rude and bawdy as possible, and being mine, they’re sick and disgusting whenever possible. Since April 2018, I’ve been reciting one per week on my podcast, Dave’s Gone By, advising listeners to get their children out of the room, or, if necessary, kill them, before their little minds are warped by these per-verses.
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