SONG: Cover’d With Crap

COVER’D WITH CRAP

©2003 David Lefkowitz

When I was a sailor, I wore a fine cap
And all the young maidens, they sat in me lap
But then they’d jump up, and they’d leave with a slap
`Cause me pants and me undies were covered with crap.

Cover’d with crap
Cover’d with crap
Oh, bring me a dish towel I’m cover’d with crap

I went to the doctor, he gave me a salve
But that only worsened the ailment I have
Me bowels keep churning all night and all day
To drive all the people of Dublin away

“Away!,” they would say
Their arms they would flap
From the stink and the stench of me cover’d with crap

Cover’d with crap
Cover’d with crap
I canna wear white, `cause I’m cover’d with crap

I called up the daughter of old Mrs. Klein
And over the phone, well, she liked me just fine
I hoped that I’d soon get a taste of vagin’
But, alas, first I had to take her out to dine

We entered the restaurant without a mishap
And greeted the maîtr d’ – quite a nice chap
But soon he said, “You there, you’ll not eat a scrap;
You’ll get us closed down, `cause you’re covered with crap!”

Cover’d with crap
Cover’d with crap
Each smear brings a tear when you’re cover’d with crap.

So now I’m an old man
My life has grown thin
I’ve no time for sailin’ or sportin’ or sin
I wait for me heavenly rest to begin
And hope that St. Peter will let this fool in

But I know too well hope is only a trap
And I’m hearing those pearly gates close with a snap
`Cause who wants an angel with poop in his lap,
Brown wings, and a halo all covered with crap?

Cover’d with crap
Cover’d with crap
Eternity beckons all cover’d with crap.

 

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NOTES & BACKSTORY:
Does my work sometimes fixate on feces? Does a bear shit in the—yeah, guilty. This one still makes me laugh out loud, not at the poop itself but at the idea of a guy who won’t (or can’t) clean himself yet still expects to be accepted in polite society.
With its melody lifted mostly from “The Wild Rover,” this song made its debut on the 2004 St. Patrick’s Day episode of my radio show, Dave’s Gone By. Scott Rodolitz sings back-up vocals and provides the guitar: https://youtu.be/s-1E5Zg4pxM